Actually, I'm not sure that I have any left.
Thoughts, that is.
Today was an OK day.
I went to work and went to dinner with my Bunco group of girlfriends for one's 50th birthday. Mind you, we haven't played Bunco in years, but that's still what most of us call it. It's actually a couples group, but the women get together for each other's birthday. It's a great group of people. I had fun tonight.
And I got a great text from Son #1 (my son who met Quincy Jones two days ago ... the same day that he texted me to tell me that he got a 103 on his Econ test. After texting me about meeting Mr. Jones all he had to say was, "Today has been quite eventful." I would've at least CALLED my mom to announce that meeting! He is SO his father).
Anyway, I digress .... yet again.
He texted me to tell me that he's coming home tomorrow -- a day earlier than planned (he has Fall Break on Mon & Tues).
So YAY!
Oh, and I forgot to tell you about Son #3's football game.
He, of course, did a fabulous job. And, more importantly .... he looked very cute in his uniform. Even if the only part of him I ever saw was his cute backside (he had his back to me most of the time). I hope he reads this. :)
This son should be very proud of me. I think I exercised a great deal of self-control during that game. The coach changed his position to Special Teams (and hey, I totally knew what that meant!) on Friday. Son #3 was less than thrilled. I became that way during the game. The only time my cute uniform-wearing son came onto the field was during a kick-off. I wanted to march across the field during the half-way through the game to go yell at the coach that I didn't come all this way ...... errrrr, I mean, his grandparents didn't come all this way to watch number 26 sit on the bench, dadgummit.
But I refrained. I did, however, manage to scream, "Good job, Son #3!!!" after each kick-off.
And hey, on a positive note ..... he's not number 69 this year. :/
The coach finally put him in on defense in the 3rd (or 4th .... or 5th?) quarter. And once again .... the boy should be proud. I HUGELY refrained again from marching out on the field and punching out the lights of an 8th grader on the other team who hit my child from behind and flattened him. To the ground. For those of you who know what this is ...... all I could say was, "HOLD MY HOOPS!!".
As I said, he should be proud.
OK, that's it. Except for the question I will leave with you.
Not all of you will be able to answer this from first-hand knowledge. But if it strikes a chord, please give me your thoughts.
For those of us who are willing to admit publicly that we take depression meds .... why do we sometimes feel that we shouldn't "have" to take these meds? Why do I know with my brain that it's medically necessary .... as necessary as my cholesterol meds. Actually, these meds are more like insulin in their importance to me. My life is hugely affected with the addition .... or subtraction of these meds. Yet I've told myself that I should be off of them by now That it's been almost 10 months and I shouldn't need a "crutch" anymore. Why does part of me try to sabotage another part of me? And why do I listen??? Especially when this happened before and the outcome was not good. Not at all.
What is the deal?
Or ..... is it just me?
13 comments:
Oh no dear sister, it is not just you! If you can remember not to long ago I mentioned in passing that I decided to go off my meds because I thought I no loger needed them. Why did I need them, I felt fine. BECAUSE I WAS TAKING THEM!!! Thats why! But still to this day not taking them and probably would be better if I was. I'm not sure why we think that way. I know it drives me crazy. But hey...this post has got me to thinkin and maybe I need to go see a DR. Now I just gotta go find one here in IL. I really hate that!!! Dang! I hate that I couldn't sleep and had to come down here and check your post. But hey! I still love ya! Have fun this weekend with son#1. I'm glad he is coming home early. Love you tons and miss you even more!
i can't speak from experience but what you've been through and what you're still going through is huge. monumental. 10 mo is nothing!! (i mean, to feel that you have recovered and don't need a crutch). if you've read my blog you probably know how i feel about meds in general... but i also am not opposed to the use of meds when medically (or psychologicaly?) necessary i just tend to think they're "overused". but the fact that you are even thinking about getting off them seems like a positive thing to me meaning that you probably will not stay on them forever. not that i'm saying that i mean you are "ready" -only you can make that decision! and hopefully if/when you do you'll let people know or at least your close friends so everyone can give you some extra love and support and help at that time!! :) i don't know if this makes any sense and i hope i didnt say anything that upsets or offends! you are a remarkable person and i have no doubt that you will make the right decisions for yourself and with the right timing. xoxo
Dear J,
I'm going for a new record!
I don't think there can be a time table for grief. It's not like losing weight where you set a goal and if you do this and this (which I never do) you will be x lbs lighter in 6 weeks. Don't be hard on yourself and don't rush yourself.
It could be because the days are getting shorter and things are cooling down (relatively speaking) that I feel like a year is rushing up. I don't like winter anyway. I found myself crying and googling different phrases like "miss my mom" and "sad" just to see what came up. I've googled Jim often. I like reading about him even if it's just that he gave some seminar a few years back. Anyway...
Love you,
A
Wendee -- you've never offended me by giving me your opinion or thoughts. Keep 'em coming!
And to my lovely A --- I love you. And appreciate the comments and thoughts and opinions. A lot. I like that we're connected in this way. Please stay.
So, "reading about his seminars"?? I think we have to get you out more!!!
:)
When I was first diagnosed with Clinical Depression, I was about 25 years old. However, I have no doubt whatsoever that I'd had it at LEAST since I was about 13. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and I was mortified. I didn't want to take them and kept asking how LONG until I was "normal". Over the years, I tried several times to stop taking them, but I finally came to realize that my only "normal" is when I'm taking them daily. The doctor has tried a couple of different kinds, (one of which made me completely looney and suicidal) but we eventually found Lexapro, which has been a God-send for me. I'm very even-keeled, not anxious or depressed and I handle life really well. I'm generally quite happy. I do have Fibromyalgia as well and am a terrible insomniac, so I also take a very low dose of Ambien each night to sleep. As long as I get my sleep and take my anti-depressants, I'm great! If I go off of those meds, look out!
I wouldn't get hung up on trying to get yourself off of them, or feeling like you shouldn't be taking them. They aren't addictive, so when and if your mind and body is ready, you'll be able to stop. If needed, you'll just keep taking them. I STRONGLY believe that grief, trauma, etc...can trigger a chemical imbalance in the brain. That's all that Depression is...a chemical imbalance. It's not something to be ashamed of because you can't fix it. It's like being diabetic...you just exercise and take your medicine so you stay well. For me, it doesn't ever go away completely. I've learned to recognize the symptoms and I know when I need to "tweak" my meds or reduce my stress levels. I don't know whether is a genetic thing, or if it's caused from childhood trauma. It just IS what it is....and I deal with it. While I hate it and wish I didn't have it...there are many worse things that I could have. At least I can successfully treat this!
I'm glad you had a good evening. I've been going to Savannah's volleyball games and I can totally relate to the parental restraint needed! (Stupid Refs...arggghhh!;)
Give the kids a hug for me...I love you tons and tons!
(Hey, do you remember the joke you used to tell about Herbert the worm???)I do!
Lis
Yes, anti-depressants are like insulin to the user. Very necessary. I will try to find the article I read a few years back regarding this very topic. The result of reading it put me at peace with what a Dr. told we around the same time "maybe I need to accept that this is a medication I will always need".
Hey, J - you don't need me to tell you that our grief path is as long as it needs to be - for each and every one of us.
As far as the meds go - I can relate this only to the blood pressure pills I take. And yeah, I feel fine NOT taking them. But wise? Naaah... I know there is a reason that I'm on them (as you also know about yours), and that unless I am willing to exercise skaty-eight hours a week (after a 12-hour day, including commuting), this is where I have to be right now... so I take 'em. And then I try to eat right (sorta) and keep poppin' those pills that were prescribed for me.
Peace and consolation to you. And hugs.
You all will probably hate me for saying this but depression is NOT like diabetes and it is not an incurable unchangeable situation, and in many cases both can be treated by things aside from things that make the pharmaceutical industry rich and happy (we are seeing on Wall Street what happens when greed and money come before the actual truth and the common good of the people). When a psychiatrist told me that *same line* about diabetes and depression (It must be a widely touted bunch of propaganda!) when i WAS in a clinical depression after my divorce it made me so mad I said look I can not function NOW but I am going to prove him WRONG and get out of this depression without meds! (i didn't go through the loss of a spouse or child, so my depression was a totally different character, but I'm talking in general about how i feel about the massive overprescription of antidepressants in society). I got the book Change Your Brain Change Your Life, written by a MD, and it did change my life. It recommended B vitamin complex, to get off any hormones (they mess with female brains in particular), take ginseng AND most importantly: in addition to psychotherapy, change the things that you think and replace them with positive thoughts. (Not Pollyana, but the truth of the dignity of you and the hope for your life that is in Christ - though that part is not in the book) Negative Thoughts release depression-inducing chemicals and hormones (he mentions which ones, there's a lot of physiology in there - I don't remember) and when we cycle into the negativity it does cause the chemical imbalance you speak of. But that is not permanent and it can be changed by changing the thoughts - stopping negative thoughts and replacing them with a kind gentle loving thought toward yourself. It did not happen instantly but after about 2 to 3 months I was greatly improved. I had alreday been "Exercising" "Eating well" "Having friend time" "Taking hot baths" and all the rest of the self-care things they recommend. That book changed my life! And I never needed meds. I do believe that they are needed in some cases, and - this is just my personal opinion - we should not always just listen to our doctors!! I have a scientific background and this book is not new agey or garbage - it's solidly based in scientific research.
Wendee,
We will have to agree to disagree. I know that meds aren't needed in all, maybe most, cases. This applies not only to depression but to many other over-prescribed illnesses.
However, I know that there is also scientific proof that sometimes a chemical imbalance happens in the brain, whether it's from the loss of a spouse or something physical. And in some of those cases, meds are indeed needed. It's not just a matter of thinking happy thoughts, it's a matter of life and death. In those cases then I still think it's as important to those patients as insulin is to a diabetic. Again, I'm not saying this is true for every case, and I am in NO way trying to minimize the seriousness of diabetes.
I'm also not saying that your way or this book is wrong. It's just not going to be right for every single person. And I give you a lot of credit for beating this without meds. I'm sure it was difficult and sometimes frustrating. I'm happy for you that you could do it.
I just know what is going on in my body and in my mind and I know the difference that the meds are making.
Well let me begin by saying that I NEVER think that I want to stop taking them or that I'm "OK". Mine's not for depression, but rather for being a MEANY. I CANNOT control my anger when I am not on my meds. My wife and kids can tell EASILY when I haven't taken them. When they DO tell me I need to take them, I quickly agree and go take them.
I was thinking my comment didn't go through and i was thinking whew that was probbaly a good thing... I guess it got through... I was not directing my thoughts baout meds at you because I think what you've gone through is monumental and huge like I said, and I know that you need them right now!! I honestly was not speaking my thoughts toward you but more over-archingly about society in general and that I do feel way more people take them than probably need them. I think that when things are medically necessary, that is ok. And i'm not a doctor and every person has to make their own choices. :)
Wendee,
I know that you weren't, and I agree that society in general is on way too many meds.
You made some valid points .... even if I didn't agree with every single one.
But I value your opinion and will always encourage you to give it!
Thank you, my friend.
:)
Ditto to lisanne's comments! Third time was the charm for me in accepting that my normal was with meds. Just ask Ben!!! It's just the commercials say, "Where does it hurt, everywhere. Who does it hurt, everyone!" And more importantly, it's allows me to be myself! Can't hurt to weine yourself off the meds to see if you're ready. But! If you're not OK, pop the pill immediately and by no means feel guilty or defeated! Better living through chemicals!!! Cindy
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