It's Blog Hop Wednesday ......

        Wednesday night update to Blog Hop list:  a couple of the blogs/authors were mixed up.  Please see the bold font at the bottom of the list to know which 2 have been corrected.
Thanks.  :)



...... which probably means absolutely nothing to most of you.
Except that you're wondering if you have to dance to an Elvis song.
Or the Big Bopper.
If you even know who the Big Bopper was.
(And just as an aside, just so you know ..... he was before my time but my mother did a great job of educating me in "oldies" music.  As I did for my children.  Much to their chagrin.)

So anywhoo ..... back to the topic at hand.  This is a Blog Hop.
Actually, it's a Widowed Blog Hop, to be more specific.
Which means that at the end of my post there will be a list of other blogs ...... written by widowed people who are participating in the Blog Hop.

The hope is that you will "hop" from one blog to the next, thus meeting new writers and maybe making new friends.
We'll be doing this every month ..... on the first Wednesday of each month.

So welcome to the start of something new.
And I hope you enjoy hopping around.
Let me know what you think about it.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled post for today.

"Small Words ......"

............ can add up to one powerful sentence.

Or two.

Monday I went to lunch with several friends.  We decided on Chinese.  The food was good.  The company was better.

At the end of the meal came the traditional passing around of the fortune cookies.  We always open our cookies and then take turns reading the "fortune" out loud to the others.  

This time there was one difference:  I didn't read mine and no one seemed to notice, for which I was glad.

It was a simple strip of paper.  With ten simple words.

Those ten words made two very powerful sentences:

I was stunned when I read those words.
And suddenly felt overwhelmed.
But in a good way.

And that surprised me.

If I had read those words in the first two years of my "after", I most likely would've felt stunned, overwhelmed and very, very grieved.
I could not have dealt with the thought that my happiness was not behind me.
Because behind me is where Jim is.
As is the happiness we had.
And that was all the happiness I would ever have.
Or so I thought.  

But I was wrong.
Back then ...... so fresh in my "after".
And, even if it hurts to read this ...... so are you, if you think that all of your happiness is behind you.
I'd like for those words to give you hope, and not hurt.
But in the beginning ..... which lasts as long as it lasts for each person ...... just about everything hurts.

Even ten small words.

But now ...... now at almost 5 years in my "after", those ten words made me smile ..... not cry.
They reinforced the hope that has been planted in my heart.
Yes, they are only words.
No, I don't truly believe that fortune cookies hold the truth to my future ...... or anyone else's.

But I do believe in the power of those words.  
And I believe there's a reason that they were in the cookie that I opened ...... and not in the eight others that were opened.

But what's more important, at least to me, is that that little slip of paper was powerful ...... but only partly true.
I do have happiness behind me.  
And I treasure it.

But I also believe that I have much happiness before me.  I don't know what that looks like, but I do know that it's my choice.  If I choose to spend all of my time looking behind me, I'll miss out on all that is before me.
That doesn't mean that in order to be happy I have to stop looking behind me completely.  I don't.
I know that I can glance behind me, and yet stretch my hands out in front ..... to catch hold of the happiness that's there.
I can remember what I had, and yet look forward to what is yet to come ...... whatever that is.
I don't have to forget Jim ...... that's just physically impossible.  He's part of me, and will always be.
But I can take him forward with me ....... because he helped make the woman I am today.  And the woman I'll be tomorrow.

I am happy.
Now.
Where I am.

And I'll be happy in the future.
Because of the happiness and love I had in the past.
I know what's possible.

And I know that ten little words can pack a lot of power.
If I choose to believe them.

And I do.


Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)


And speaking of Wednesday, here's the list of the other blogs ...... from which you may hop.  :)

Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog

Rachel of Fresh Widow

Christine of Widow Island

Kiki of Life After Steve

Robin of The Fresh Widow

Ferree of Widow's Christian Place

Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod

Paul of Death is an Imposter

Red's Momma's Money Matters

Becky's Choosing Grace Today

Cindy's Widow's Pursuits

Tim's Diary of a Widower

The Official Site of Abel Keogh

Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo

http://alittlepinkinaworldofcamo.blogspot.com/

A Change of Plans ....

              Jim's brother has been hard a work, turning old family slides
              into new digital photos.  I'm so thankful he's done/is doing this.
              This is, of course, Jim .... my trike-riding cowboy.   :)



.... has occurred with my plans for next week.
For a good reason, that happens to come from a bad reason.

As you hopefully remember, my very dear friend, V and her son G came to visit us last week.  V and I have been friends since we were 17.  We then went to the same college (Go Cowboys!!) and joined the same sorority and became closer.  And closer.
Then we graduated, I married Jim, she was in our wedding, she's the godmother to my daughters, she got married, I was in her wedding ..... and we continued to grow closer.  She is much more than a friend to me.
Much, much more.
If you've read from the beginning of my blog, or at least from the point where Jim died (which was only 3 months after I began it) you know that she came down to stay with me more than once.  She helped me during those first days, weeks and months when I could barely see my hand in front of my face.  She was here to help me make big decisions.
She was here when someone, posed as a friend, hurt me beyond belief by using Jim's death to try to take advantage of me.
She was here to make tough phone calls to a certain university which threatened to drop my daughter from her classes because, the week after Jim died, I wrote a check for tuition but forgot to transfer the funds to that account.

She's been here to guide me, hug me, listen to me, not listen to me .... to just be .... with me.
She's worried about me from afar, not knowing what to do or say, but just praying.
She's seen me go through a sobbing haze, through a crushing depression that threatened to be the end of me, to a place where I began to smile, to a place where she knew the depression did not get the best of me, to a person who has held on, grown stronger, moved forward and found joy again.

And now, it is my turn to be there for her.

We have known since G was two or so, that he would one day need a kidney transplant.
It was only a matter of time.  A matter of waiting for his kidneys to let everyone know that they are done and can do no more.
That time is now.

The plan was always that, hopefully, V's husband would be able to donate one of his kidneys.  All signs and tests pointed in that direction.
The last few months have been full of tests on both G, and his dad, R.
They have also been full of many ups .... and downs.  Of tests done .... and passed.  Of more tests done .... and failed.  And stress.  And prayers.  And hope.  And dashed hope.  A few weeks ago hope was almost given up.  But, surprisingly, I demanded that it not be given up.  Me, of all people.

Then two days ago, a miracle happened.
R was given the all clear sign and told that he could, indeed, be G's donor.
And the date of the surgery was set.
To next week.

Tears of happiness, thankfulness and relief have been shed in the last two days.  And those were just by me, so I can only imagine how many have been shed up in Oklahoma.  :)

G's surgery will be next Thursday, in another state with a wonderful children's hospital, where a wonderful doctor who specializes in healing children of this type of problem has been treating G since he was very, very small.

So now it's my turn to fly to be with a friend who is much more than a friend.
It's my turn to sit with her, to hug her, to listen to her .... or to not listen to her.
It's my turn to just be .... with her.

Yes, the situations are different, but the friendship is the same.  Very, very deep.
I never really thought about being there with her when the time came, until she told me that the time had come.  And then I knew.  I knew with certainty that there was no question .... I would be there.
I cannot repay her (or any of my other amazing friends) for all that she has done for me.
But thankfully, that's not what friends expect.

But I can be with her.
I can pray for, and with, her.
I can make her laugh.
I can help her wait.
And I can celebrate with her when both surgeries are over and both of the men in her life are awake and doing well ..... one with the blood .... and kidney, of the other giving him health .... and life.

So ironically .... or not .... I asked you several days ago to discuss prayer .... not knowing that the doctors would very soon be giving R the awesome opportunity to show his son how very much he loves him.  Not knowing that G's surgery would be scheduled so quickly.
Not knowing that I'd be coming to you within a matter of days .... to ask you, once again, for your prayers.

Thank you so much to those of you who commented, who told us your thoughts and beliefs about prayer.  I appreciate your openness very, very much.  I love hearing/reading what other people think about things, even if ..... no ..... especially if I don't agree with those thoughts/beliefs.  We don't have to agree with each other about things to learn from each other.
We don't have to agree in order to love someone and care for them.
We just have to be open to listening .... open to learning .... open to knowing more about another person.
So thank you again.  I'll have to come up with an even better topic next time.  :)

Everything has been great in San Diego.  It's been a quiet, relaxing visit with my loved ones.  The weather has been amazing.  I really can only describe it as .... perfect.
So perfect that I am perusing real estate magazines and newspapers.  In a couple of years I will be at a point where I can stop, take time to re-think things, and decide what I'd like to experience next in my life.  I have a list.
It's a list of places I'd like to live .... for a year or so, just to experience the vast differences in these places.
And San Diego is definitely on the list.
:)

Tomorrow I move over to the hotel to work with the other board members to get things ready for Camp Widow to begin on Friday.
While I'm sad to be leaving J. L and S, I'm very excited to see some wonderful friends .... and to make new ones.
It's been a great week .... and will continue to be a great week.
A week for which I am very thankful, and still feeling good on my meds.

And I'm thankful for you, and for knowing that I can come to you and ask for prayers for V, R, G and the rest of their family.  And prayers for the doctors, nurses and surgeons.
And for peace .... peace to fill their hearts.

So maybe I pray a bit more specifically than I thought I did.
And I'm ok with that.
:)

Thanks, Peeps ..... and happy Wednesday/Thursday.
:)

Nineteen Years ....

.... is almost too many to be fathomable.

Son #2 turned 19 on Wednesday.

So this post is dedicated to him, how much he's changed, how much he's grown and how much he's matured over the last few years.
I will try to post a "normal-ish" post soon to update you on other things, like my joints, my tennis (!), Camp Widow, the SUPREME ass (it's ok, it's in the Bible) who ran into my car yesterday, etc.
But today belongs to Son #2.
:)

                                              Happy Daddy, happy baby:

                              A very common pose amongst the males on Jim's side of the family:

             He's kind of hard to see here, but this was on a visit to Tulsa, the day before we drove back home.  We didn't know it then (he looks VERY happy in this picture) but the day after we were to get home Son #2 would end up in the hospital with pneumonia.  Even sick, he was happy.  For a brief moment in time anyway.  :)

                           On the Oregon coast the week he turned 1:

                                  In NYC, getting ready to go ride the ferris wheel inside Toys R Us:

                        In Italy, showing off his first euro:

                 Looking very dapper at dinner on a cruise:

                                    A birthday pic:

                         In Italy, sucking down what-would-not-be-his-last glass of wine.  Sigh .....

                 In Venice ..... wearing really ugly rats with wings, otherwise known as pigeons:

          In San Diego, after a hat-buying-trip to Disneyland, feeding his cousin:

                Trying to show me how "hot" he really is.  He. Will. Croak. When. He. Sees. This. Picture.
                             Seriously:

          Spring break, 3 months after Jim died (and the "Dead Husband Diet" had hit with a vengeance:  

                               Showing some brotherly love with Son #3:

            On Jim's parents' farm, back when he was around 3. Jim was teaching him out to target shoot with a bb gun, one of their favorite pastimes on the farm:

         Passed out cold at Thanksgiving dinner.  Must've OD'd on the tryptophan.

      Still learning to shoot at an Indian Guides campout (before the YMCA got all "politically correct").  This appears to have been a family campout because I'm on the other side of them, holding Son #3.

Another Indian Guides campout (without moms, their favorite kind).  Yes, he does have a marshmallow on the end of that log.  Overkill much?

     Him, reading a bedtime story to Jim after he had tucked Him into the rocking chair all snuggly.

                            Ummmm, yeah.  There used to be much wrestling in our house:

                                   Pre-K graduation:

                      Thanksgiving in Oklahoma, holding the same cousin he was feeding in an earlier pic:

     I have no earthly idea.  But if I had to make a guess I'd say that "somebody" was getting a good "talking-to" for doing something "somebody" should not have done (on a cruise):

                                  Brotherly bonding in the pool:

                      Hanging out with the family in Anchorage.  Hanging with .... not listening to:

                        Half-way up a mountain on our last day in Alaska (which would turn out to be our last vacation together.  Jim died 6 months later so the Alaska pics are bittersweet).

        Christmas Day, when both guys evidently received awesome hats (?!).  Jim is showing him out to put a toy together.   I'm not sure if the goggles helped with that, or hindered.  But the tool belt and gloves made EVERYTHING work.  :)

         One of many fishing trips at a pond (the locals who don't know better call it a lake. LMBO!) across the street from our house:

     Salmon fishing outside of Anchorage:

    With D#2 and Jim at the Forum in Rome:

                    Our first trip to Disneyland (in California):

           One of our trips to Disney World (in Florida).  Note the happy-go-lucky face on Son #2.  This kind of picture was a staple on every single one of our vacation.  SER.I.OUS.LY.

                          The proud cousin with the aforementioned cousin.  Son #2 has always loved children and is amazing with them.  He will be a wonderful father someday.

                       Ummmmm, I think this is one of those "I'm less than thrilled that you want to take my picture, even if it is my 14th birthday!" pictures:

      See?  Much easier in the years before teenage-hood:

             Christmas morning .... with a spy camera:

    Parent's Weekend at the Marine military academy:

          Time with Mom, away from the school:

                  Showing the parents how much work it is:

                   Relaxing at the hotel:

                He looks amazing in a uniform:

          ESPECIALLY this one:

                One of his favorite pastimes at the lake .... with one of his biggest catches:

                                    Basketball days:

                     Parents' Weekend:

                            His "post-cruise" look.  I love it!

                               Another favorite pastime at the lake:  jet skiing:

                                Learning the bongos at Disney World:

                     Going off of our rope swing at the lake:

                                       "Working attire" at the lake:

          
                    And these are from this birthday.  It took a bit of pleading, but the smile was worth it.

I cannot believe that he is 19 now.  Part of me is stunned at the thought of 19 years.
Part of me cannot believe that we've lived here for over 20 years.

It seems that it was only yesterday when he he informed me, at the ripe old age of 7, that he, as a citizen of the United States, had the right to be free, and in being "free" he should not "have" to attend school and all of the cumbersome classes, homework and projects that would entail.  Of course one part of me agreed with him, and felt badly that he had to endure so much that he didn't give two cents about.  But the rest of me knew that no 7 year old is as "free" as he thinks he is, and that as a mother .... as this boy's mother .... I was in for a very long, very wild roller coaster ride!
And boy has it ever been long and wild.

There were many times when I didn't know if he'd make it to his 19th birthday.
There were many times when I didn't know if I'd make it to his 19th birthday.

But here we are.
Both of us.
He and I.
Here.
In spite of him.
In spite of me.
In spite of Jim not being here.
In spite of .... so much.

And here is a pretty great place.
He is a pretty great 19 year old.
He is a wonderful son.
And a wonderful young man.

And he will be a wonderful Marine.
I am so proud of him and so full of love for him.

And so is Jim.
:)