A Whirlwind ....

.... and nothing less.

G finally got some relief around 1 this morning, after the pain doc's supervisor called him. Isn't it funny how quickly one responds when one's boss shows up? He claimed to have not received the THREE pages. Kind of quirky that they were each entered into the computer system when they were made, doncha think?
The nurse filed a complaint. Formally, which is good because it makes V and I look less radical because we've complained to everyone who walks by. I think I may have complained to a janitor, but hey, everyone wears scrubs around here so .... whatever.

So N and I returned to the hotel, which is connected to the hospital.
Around 6 am the nurse told V, who had slept a few hours in the room, that G's potassium levels were high and the output still wasn't good so they were moving him to ICU. Poor V was alone and understandably scared to death.

She texted me at 7:30 but told me to stay at the hotel because her brother ands in-laws were with her.
I came over at 9 and things were, and are, much better now. They are giving him a unit of blood because he's losing a lot of blood into his drain, but think that should slow down significantly over the next 24 hours. I remember having those 2 icky drains and they do slow down quickly.
They gave him lasiks through his iv and that has done wonders on his output. To put it bluntly, 'He's peeing like a racehorse' and we couldn't be more relieved and proud. :)

He's still quite uncomfortable due to the bloating ---- his stomach is quite distended with all of the air they pumped in. But that is the least of our worries. I told V that she should put him up to her shoulder and start patting him on the back. I don't think G appreciates my sense of humor.

He will be moved back to his room this afternoon if this continues, and all signs point to it continuing.
R just called V and said that he is being released today .... in a couple of hours, no less. V and I are less than thrilled by that news. How is it possible to lose a kidney and in less than 24 hours, be released?!! Men are so stubborn! He said that he's not hooked up to anything so why shouldn't he go. Ummmmm ..... maybe to make sure he rests and doesn't get an infection? And to give V one less thing to worry about!
And yes, staying in a hospital raises the chance of infection, horrible infection, but c'mon! Twenty-four hours from the time of the first scalpel cut??

Anyhooo, I am not his doctor, though may I just say that I might add him to my growing list of ones who need to be fired?

So, here's how it stands at 11:12 a.m.: G is much better and stable. R is a stubborn cuss who will be over here, brcelet-free, in a couple of hours.
I will be back with G shortly so that V can go take a shower and feel a little more normal.
And then hopefully the rest of the day will be fairly quiet.
Hopefully.
Prayerfully hopefully.
Quiet is a very good thing.

Thanks for praying, Peeps.

It Has Been ....

.... a very long day.
But a mostly good one.

I did not fall asleep until 4:00 or so this morning. This has to stop because I'm not sure how much longer I can handle it.

Fortunately, the surgeries were pushed back till noon, so I didn't have to be back to the hospital as early as was originally thought.

I'm now in G's room with V and N, her daughter. R is doing well and is on a pain pump so he's sleeping.
G, however, is not doing as well. He has been in a lot of pain and they can't seem to keep it under control. This is a huge children's hospital ... and yet after 5:00 p.m. there is one dr. in "pain services" to cover this entire hospital. And he's either very busy, or has fallen asleep somewhere.
It's beyond infuriating to watch G in so much pain and know that there's nothing we can do except wait for this guy to answer his stinking page.

G is the second of two patients to receive the type of pain management they've chosen. He received an epidural with narcotics added to it, and then some narcotics through an iv. The intention is that he would need less narcotic, thus would be less likely to suffer nausea. Unfortunately, it's not working. The nurse told us that this happened with the first patient, too, but that once they got the meds figured out, she did amazingly well the next day. G has been out of surgery and in pain since at least 6:30. It is now almost midnight. The pain dr came up here one time, several hours ago. They upped the epidural, which seemed to be wearing off, and then added a pain med to his iv. After about 15 mins G got some relief, though the
pain never went away. Now, for the last hour, the pain has been steadily increasing and this dr. is nowhere to be found. And G has not slept solidly since the surgery. He dozes for 10 - 15 minutes at the most and then is wide awake with the pain.
So much for "keeping n top of it".

V is sleeping in his room tonight, but N and I don't want to leave until things are more in control.
And, to add to all of that, G's kidney output is not what they'd like it to be. It's not enough "to keep the kidney working", which is a mighty scary thing to hear. So his dr. has ordered double the fluids (iv), plus replacing the amount that he does pass, every hour through the night.
It's just a wee bit stressful to watch the foley tube not putting out very much, plus watch his heart rate and bp climb because of the pain.

Everyone is exhausted.
Naturally.
The nurses have been wonderful, but they,too, are frustrated by all of this.

So please continue to pray, Peeps. And thank you for all of the prayers you've been sending up all day.

As for me, the moment that we followed G's bed out of pre-op and said goodbye at the surgery doors .... was more than I could handle. And I cried as I lagged behind, trying to hide the tears. But they would not stop and I couldn't hide them. V turned and saw them, then walked over to me, hugged me, and cried with me. I so did not want that to happen. This day was not about me, and I did not want to turn it that way. But it was hard.
So.
Very.
Hard.

But then it got better.
We spent the next four hours talking, laughing, updating various Facebooks, web sites and Twitter accounts. We went down to eat lunch once we knew that G's surgery was under way, but I don't find hospitals to be very hunger-inducing.

It is now 30 minutes after I started this post and the dr. has still not answered his page. The poor nurse is beyond overwhelmed. She has called his supervisor and the transplant surgeon because she doesn't know what else to do. I'd love to go hunt this man down, but I'd hate to be on the news tomorrow. I've already pushed enough envelopes around here today.
But even I know there's only so much you can demand.

And so we wait.

And pray.

Thanks, Peeps, for praying with us.

So Here I Am ....

.... at the airport .... again.
It feels almost like home .... except for the security maniacs in Terminal B. Good grief .... Our government money at work ... people who love the little power they have.

Anyway, I'm waiting to board the plane to St. Louis. Son #1 brought me and as he was driving it suddenly occurred to me that this will be my first time to wait, seriously wait, in a hospital waiting room for a serious surgery since .... well, you all know since when.
At that moment my heart beat accelerated, kind of like it is now as I'm typing this. I hope I don't hyperventilate tomorrow ... or any tme really (it doesn't sounnd like much fun).
Hopefully I'll feel peace. Hopefully I'll feel it soon .... like before I board this plane.

That's all, Peeps.

I'll keep you posted.

And happy Wednesday.
:)

U

A Change of Plans ....

              Jim's brother has been hard a work, turning old family slides
              into new digital photos.  I'm so thankful he's done/is doing this.
              This is, of course, Jim .... my trike-riding cowboy.   :)



.... has occurred with my plans for next week.
For a good reason, that happens to come from a bad reason.

As you hopefully remember, my very dear friend, V and her son G came to visit us last week.  V and I have been friends since we were 17.  We then went to the same college (Go Cowboys!!) and joined the same sorority and became closer.  And closer.
Then we graduated, I married Jim, she was in our wedding, she's the godmother to my daughters, she got married, I was in her wedding ..... and we continued to grow closer.  She is much more than a friend to me.
Much, much more.
If you've read from the beginning of my blog, or at least from the point where Jim died (which was only 3 months after I began it) you know that she came down to stay with me more than once.  She helped me during those first days, weeks and months when I could barely see my hand in front of my face.  She was here to help me make big decisions.
She was here when someone, posed as a friend, hurt me beyond belief by using Jim's death to try to take advantage of me.
She was here to make tough phone calls to a certain university which threatened to drop my daughter from her classes because, the week after Jim died, I wrote a check for tuition but forgot to transfer the funds to that account.

She's been here to guide me, hug me, listen to me, not listen to me .... to just be .... with me.
She's worried about me from afar, not knowing what to do or say, but just praying.
She's seen me go through a sobbing haze, through a crushing depression that threatened to be the end of me, to a place where I began to smile, to a place where she knew the depression did not get the best of me, to a person who has held on, grown stronger, moved forward and found joy again.

And now, it is my turn to be there for her.

We have known since G was two or so, that he would one day need a kidney transplant.
It was only a matter of time.  A matter of waiting for his kidneys to let everyone know that they are done and can do no more.
That time is now.

The plan was always that, hopefully, V's husband would be able to donate one of his kidneys.  All signs and tests pointed in that direction.
The last few months have been full of tests on both G, and his dad, R.
They have also been full of many ups .... and downs.  Of tests done .... and passed.  Of more tests done .... and failed.  And stress.  And prayers.  And hope.  And dashed hope.  A few weeks ago hope was almost given up.  But, surprisingly, I demanded that it not be given up.  Me, of all people.

Then two days ago, a miracle happened.
R was given the all clear sign and told that he could, indeed, be G's donor.
And the date of the surgery was set.
To next week.

Tears of happiness, thankfulness and relief have been shed in the last two days.  And those were just by me, so I can only imagine how many have been shed up in Oklahoma.  :)

G's surgery will be next Thursday, in another state with a wonderful children's hospital, where a wonderful doctor who specializes in healing children of this type of problem has been treating G since he was very, very small.

So now it's my turn to fly to be with a friend who is much more than a friend.
It's my turn to sit with her, to hug her, to listen to her .... or to not listen to her.
It's my turn to just be .... with her.

Yes, the situations are different, but the friendship is the same.  Very, very deep.
I never really thought about being there with her when the time came, until she told me that the time had come.  And then I knew.  I knew with certainty that there was no question .... I would be there.
I cannot repay her (or any of my other amazing friends) for all that she has done for me.
But thankfully, that's not what friends expect.

But I can be with her.
I can pray for, and with, her.
I can make her laugh.
I can help her wait.
And I can celebrate with her when both surgeries are over and both of the men in her life are awake and doing well ..... one with the blood .... and kidney, of the other giving him health .... and life.

So ironically .... or not .... I asked you several days ago to discuss prayer .... not knowing that the doctors would very soon be giving R the awesome opportunity to show his son how very much he loves him.  Not knowing that G's surgery would be scheduled so quickly.
Not knowing that I'd be coming to you within a matter of days .... to ask you, once again, for your prayers.

Thank you so much to those of you who commented, who told us your thoughts and beliefs about prayer.  I appreciate your openness very, very much.  I love hearing/reading what other people think about things, even if ..... no ..... especially if I don't agree with those thoughts/beliefs.  We don't have to agree with each other about things to learn from each other.
We don't have to agree in order to love someone and care for them.
We just have to be open to listening .... open to learning .... open to knowing more about another person.
So thank you again.  I'll have to come up with an even better topic next time.  :)

Everything has been great in San Diego.  It's been a quiet, relaxing visit with my loved ones.  The weather has been amazing.  I really can only describe it as .... perfect.
So perfect that I am perusing real estate magazines and newspapers.  In a couple of years I will be at a point where I can stop, take time to re-think things, and decide what I'd like to experience next in my life.  I have a list.
It's a list of places I'd like to live .... for a year or so, just to experience the vast differences in these places.
And San Diego is definitely on the list.
:)

Tomorrow I move over to the hotel to work with the other board members to get things ready for Camp Widow to begin on Friday.
While I'm sad to be leaving J. L and S, I'm very excited to see some wonderful friends .... and to make new ones.
It's been a great week .... and will continue to be a great week.
A week for which I am very thankful, and still feeling good on my meds.

And I'm thankful for you, and for knowing that I can come to you and ask for prayers for V, R, G and the rest of their family.  And prayers for the doctors, nurses and surgeons.
And for peace .... peace to fill their hearts.

So maybe I pray a bit more specifically than I thought I did.
And I'm ok with that.
:)

Thanks, Peeps ..... and happy Wednesday/Thursday.
:)

Life Is ....

..... good.
Mostly.

In fact, today I not only thought that, I bought the t-shirt.

Yep.
Seriously.
Which is the t-shirt I was wearing when I bought the new one.

I know that since December 18th of 2007, I have mostly felt .... and asked, "Seriously?!"
Many times.
Many, many times.
Too many to count.

But today, even though I wore that shirt, I thought that my life is mostly good.
My joints still hurt, but I am not flaring.
Not now anyway.
Hopefully not again, but I've learned to not look too far ahead and to be happy with right now.

I took my last steroid pill on Friday.
We shall see.
I also am trying, WITH my doctor's consent, to see if the statin I've been taking for a year has anything to do with the joint pain.
Thankfully statins are not something you have to wean yourself off of.
So the last one I took was last Wednesday.
So far I have not noticed a difference, but time will tell.  I hope.

My shoulder is great.
So great, in fact, that I played tennis yesterday.
I KNOW!!
It felt .... absolutely great.
For the first time in 5 or so years I played tennis with no pain in my shoulder.
None.
Zero.
Zilch.

I only played for an hour or so, since my team mates didn't want me to push it.
Dad-gummit.
It felt so good to be out on the courts again.
And to be with my friends.
: )

Then I came home and started working on stuff for Camp Widow, and continued organizing all around the house.
I managed to clean out and organize the game room and the laundry room.
It took me until 5:00 A.M. ---- yes, as in THE MORNING, but I got it done.
I had to stop at 8:30 last night for our monthly board meeting (we Skype them since we're all over the U.S.).  We finished the meeting around 10:30 p.m.   I then finished up some work for that and then went back to the organizing.
Yes, I should have gone to bed, but I didn't feel tired.  Or sleepy.
And so I organized.
And am very happy with the results.
Even if I'm not happy with the lack of sleep.
:)

I got up at 10:00 and then ran errands until 3:30.
Both boys are home.
The grocery store takes longer than I remembered it taking at the beginning of the summer.
After that I went back to work on CW stuff.
It's in 3 weeks.
I.  Can.  Not.  Wait!
I SO look forward to seeing very good friends again .... and meeting other very good friends face-to-face, for the first time.
And just in case you doubt .... it's TOTALLY and 100% possible to develop a very, very good friend without even meeting them.
That's what widowed people do.
And I have found that ability to be very amazing.

I also get to spend time with Jim's brother and his family in San Diego that week .... and of course I'm looking forward to that.
I love spending time with them.  I wish we could see each other more often.
But .... there you go.
So I enjoy the time when I have it.

And speaking of someone I love ......
My sister sent me this today:

She painted it herself.
I KNOW!!!
I love it!!
And her.
:)
And in case you're wondering, the sign behind the glass reads, "Real love stories never have endings ..."
Someone special gave it to me after Jim died.
I love it, too.
:)

So there ya go .... my past day or so.
And now you'll have to excuse me.
I'm being crafty.  Literally.
I KNOW!!!!
That is SO not me, and I am currently understanding why.
I'm trying to turn a piece of "wood" (not real wood but I don't know exactly what it is.  See how crafty I am NOT?) into a magnetic chalkboard.
I have sprayed an entire can of magnetic paint on it.
I am less than thrilled with it's power to attract.
Way less.

But I've used up the whole can and I have no intention of getting another one, so .....
it's time to use up the chalkboard paint.
Which will most likely lead me back to my starting point .... an unmagnetized chalkboard.
What. Ev. Er.

Wait ..... it just occurred to me .....
It just may be .... that life is good ......
Because I'm spraying cans of flammable,  mood-altering vapors in my family room.
All by myself.
Well, me and the cat.
But his mood seems to be unaltered.
Always.

But mine?  It's pretty dang good.
I'd better start spraying again before it alters.
:)

Happy Tuesday/Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

Thank You ......

.... is not enough.

I am overwhelmed.

I was stunned today when I finally turned on my computer.
Because you were here.
You had been here.
And you continued to be here for the rest of the day .... and into the night.

I have received phone calls, texts, e-mails and comments.
Too many to count.

And out of the too many to count?
Only one that I "expected".
And it did not come through this blog.

Only one person seemed to not see the words, "three years", "prayer", "God and I", "therapist", "long time", "working on it", "healing", etc.
Only one person felt the need to point out to me how much "more healing" I really had in front of me, of more things than I guess even I know of.
Only one person seemed to think this was a brand new idea for me and something that just occurred to me overnight, I suppose.
Only one person seemed negative to me, while cloaking "truth" under the veil of "friendship".

I smile at the irony.
:)

Two years ago I would not have smiled.
But I know more now.
I know that we are all human.
We are all full of faults.
We all have things from our past that we are less than proud of.
And we are all .... mostly all ..... loving, encouraging and supportive beings.

And the more we reveal our true selves to each other, the more "reachable" we become.
I.
Am.
Not.
Perfect.

But then, I wouldn't choose to be, even if I could.
Because who among us can relate to a perfect human being?
And I very much want people to be able to relate with me, to find support and understanding in me.
Because that's what I've received.

I have received it from you.
I have received it from my wonderful, amazing, loving family.
I have received it from friends from my teenage years, my young adult years and my present life.

And most of all, I have received it from my Father.
He alone knows my heart.  Even the parts I don't yet know.
He loves me, encourages me and keeps on loving me.
In spite of .... me.

He has led me here.
He has walked this path with me.
He.
Has.
Healed.
Me.
In spite of .... me.

He continues to walk with me.
He continues to lead me.
He continues to heal me.
In all kinds of ways.

He continues to encourage me.

Just the way you have today.
In spite of .... me, and us, and our .... faults.

This was not an "over night" healing.
This has taken a lot of work.
A whole lotta work.  :)
But it's the best work I've ever done.
And the hardest.

I am not brave.
I am not courageous.
I am not stronger than anyone else.
I am not .... amazing.

All I am .... is tired of living a lie.
And tired of being controlled by something that is itself .... a lie.
And ready to tell everyone .... to keep moving forward and to leave this behind.
I've worked very, very hard to get to this point .... to be this tired .... to be this ready.
To be able to tell.

God's timing is amazing.
He alone knew how long this would take.
He alone knew when I'd be ready .... to be healed ..... and then, to tell my family, my friends, and you.
He alone has been working with, and in, me .... for a long time.
He alone led me to the people who could help Him, help me.
He alone was the reason that I was able to admit how incredibly faulted I am.

I am a work in progress.
And I choose .... to progress.

And.
That.
Is.
Something.

Good night, Peeps.
And happy ...... well, that's all.
Just ..... happy.
:)

Thank you ....

.... to each of you who came out (some out of lurkdom) to post helpful suggestions and tons of support.
I really, really needed that.
Last night was a bad night.
A very bad night.

I struggled to stay up until 8:00 or so before going back to bed.
Those 3 - 4 hours were very dark.
I hate the dark.

I think that my body is now telling me that it's time to rest.  I've been going and going and going, trying to not think about what I may, or may not, have going on inside of me.
I know that part of having R.A. is needing to rest .... a lot.
And I am not good at resting.
And I abhor the thought of "having to rest" .... especially on a regular basis.  It makes me feel like I'm 105 or quite sickly .... and I'm neither.

But yesterday my body took control of my mind and would not let me intercede.  I could not control it for one more hour.
And that was very, very depressing.

This was not how I saw my life going.
Even after Jim's death.
I am sick and tired of the things that seem to have been thrown at me since then, because I guess that having my husband die was just not enough.

So, today I feel better.  I made it, barely, to my 9:00 PT appointment.  I didn't want to, but I did.
Then I got a couple of things done around the house.
And now I am ready for another nap.

On the up side .... I think that the steroids are starting to help.
On the down side ..... that means that I definitely have this disease.
And that sucks.
And is depressing.

Because it's hard enough to be 51 and have the hope of ever meeting another man who will love me hugely, but to have to add to the baggage of RA in there ...... that hope seems to be dying.

Yes, I know that there are some great meds out there, so that gives me hope.
And I know my doctor won't keep me on the steroids for very long.  He just wanted to do this for 2 weeks as a test to see if they have any effect.  Because if they do then that will tell him that the disease is there, even if I tested false negative, as some of the population does.
Only 2% of the people out there get this disease.
How.
Did.
I.
Get.
To.
Be.
So.
Lucky?

OK, enough of this pity party post.  I hate these, which is why I rarely tell anyone what's really going on.
I am SO sick of things "going on" and being the person that other people feel sorry for.  I am not that person .... I don't like it and I don't handle it well.  So when I finally break down and say that I'm not feeling well, it's because it's been going on so long that I have to finally let it out.

Now I will end this on the UP, UP, UP side.
I asked the dr., "If it turns out that I do have RA, what kind of exercise can I do?  Can I still play tennis?"
He said, "Certainly.  I know it's important to you since you've already mentioned it 3 times and yes you'll be able to play.  You won't be able to play if you're having a flare up (like right now) because it's not good on your joints to play when they're swollen.  But yes, you can play.  I play tennis also and know how much it means to you.  So that's my job .... to get you back on the courts."
I think I almost fell in love with him at that moment.
And I tried very hard to not cry in front of him .... again.
:)

So there you go, Peeps.
My life today.
Could be worse.
Could be better.

It is what it is.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

A Face ....

.... even a "cat person" can love:

This is Sarge.
He's my brother's dog and he is THE coolest dog ever.

He and my brother love each other ..... a lot.

Sarge always seems to understand everything my brother says to him.  Seriously.
He understands and follows directions better than most children!  I think they need to Google "cloning a cool dog" and see how they accomplish that (since they don't have the option of using him to make puppies anymore).

Anyway .... things are going pretty well up here in the "higher 1".  I'm guessing that's how everyone here describes Alaska (even though I've never heard anyone say it .... and I think I just made it up), because they always say "the lower 48" for anywhere else.
Get it?  Higher 1?
Alright, so that was pathetic.
Whatever.

The surgery went well yesterday, according to the dr.  We got to the hospital at 7:30.  They called him (and me) back around 8:00 to start getting him prepped.  The surgery was scheduled to begin at 9:30, but they didn't take him back until 10:00.
Once they had possession of him I went to the cafeteria to get something to eat and then settled in with lots of wholesome reading material (this week's People magazine .... which surprised me with a small piece on Matt's book in the "books" section!!) for what I was told would be an hour long, to an hour and a half, surgery.
Noon came .... and went.
Two o'clock came .... and went.
And then I couldn't read.
I couldn't concentrate.
And, however hard I tried .... I couldn't stop my mind from .... "going there".
I wondered what the hell was going on back there, what might have "gone wrong" ..... and what would I do if something had.
I knew that nothing had "gone wrong".
But then, I knew that 3 1/2 years ago, too ..... while waiting for another surgery to end ..... hours after it was supposed to.
And ..... I was wrong then.

Three o'clock came .... and went.
And then finally .... at 3:15 or so,  someone came out and called my name .... kind of.  I was never so happy to have my name mispronounced!
I followed the person through a maze of hallways (knowing for certain that, left on my own, I'd never find my way out of that hospital!).
He pointed to a curtained bay and I went in and found my brother sleeping peacefully.  His nurse came in and said hi and told me that he was doing well.
He heard us talking and opened his eyes and said hi .... and seemed very, very alert for someone who had just come out of surgery.
Interestingly enough ..... he had NOT just come out.  He had been out of surgery for over 3 hours.
Yes.  Three.  Tres.  Trois.  Tre.  Drei.  Tribus (yes, that's Latin).
Use whatever language you'd like .... it's still THREE stinkin' hours that I sat in the waiting room, not knowing the surgery was over.  One FULL hour of trying not to imagine the horribleness of "what if".

His nurse was horrified that no one had updated me.  At all.
She had called the desk and told them when he came out of surgery.
But I guess they didn't think it was necessary to pass that info on.
Yes, she was horrified.
My brother .... was horrified x 100.
Or maybe even x 1 million.
Because he knew.
Instantly.
He knew that I would have "gone there" .... without me having to say a word.

Oh well.
Crap happens.
But I was so relieved that he was alive and healthy and had a good-sized incision in his back that I just let it go.  After being a wee bit angry for a few minutes.  :)

After another two hours or so we were cut free from the hospital and came home.
He's doing remarkably well .... as long as we keep him on top of the pain meds.  Which is sometimes easier said than done.

And in spite of the surgery, the pain and the second hand smoke .... we're having a great time.
It's been wonderful to just sit (he's living every man's dream .... the doctor said he had to spend most of his awake time in a recliner for the next two weeks.  Now, if only he could drink alcohol we'd have a cooler next to the recliner!) and talk.
And laugh.
We do a lot of laughing.  We always have (well .... as adults anyway).  When he, my sister and I are together ..... someone always comes close to wetting their pants from laughing.  I won't say who ..... but I am the oldest.  If my mom is with us .... it's totally her.  :)

So we're talking, and laughing.
And remembering, and laughing.
And comparing, and laughing.
And dreaming .... and laughing.
I think that all of this laughter is a little hard on his back, but I don't think he minds too much.  And he can't say he didn't know it would happen.

As for my care-taking .... it hasn't been too bad.
He tried to tell me .... right away .... that this is how he would let me know he needed something:

Yeah .... that didn't go over.
At all.

I did manage to feed the dog.  Don't roll your eyes .... he's huge and the dish is very heavy!
We had take out Chinese for dinner last night .... I took it out of the sacks and put it all on the table.
Oh .... and I drove to get it!

Tonight I made dinner .... I re-heated the left over Chinese.
Don't judge me.

I did offer to do laundry, but he said he had none.
I've offered a couple of other things, but he always says no.
Last night, when I started cleaning up the Chinese and putting things away he said, "I feel bad that you're doing that."
I turned and looked at him like he had three heads.
What?  Why??
He said he just did.
I reminded him that I was here to help him out.  But I guess he doesn't really want help.  He just wants to laugh.
I can do that.

Oh .... he did tell me that if I really wanted to help I could go wash his car.
Yeah.
Ummmmm ..... I'll get right on it.

Right after I make some homemade bread, sheer the sheep, spin some wool into thread ..... and go work in the garden.
Right.
On.
It.

I may have to go buy some Depends.

Happy Thursday/Friday, Peeps.
:)

Thank you .... yet again.

     So .... it's been very interesting to see the comments regarding friends. I guess we can all define "friend" in different ways. But I think we need to be careful when we're so stringent with our definition that we limit our blessings.

     I have many friends. Actually, too many to count. They are not acquaintances, they are not just people I wave to once in a while, they are true friends.

     My definition of a friend is someone I care about- a lot (so of course it's someone one I know). A friend is someone on whom I can call --- for anything -- and know that this person will help me, willingly and without keeping an account of how many times I've asked.

A friend is someone for whom I would do the same. A friend is someone I support and encourage and who does the same --- no matter how far apart we are, how many times a month we talk with each other, how much we share -- or don't share -- our feelings.

No. Matter.

     I have friends whom I don't get to see very often, but when we do see each other we pick right up. And if I ever needed anything, I could call these friends and they'd be there for me. They don't "require" huge investments of my time, deeds or stated feelings. They are my friends because we care about each other --- even with my shortcomings and lack of ability to emote unselfishly. They like me because I'm me.

     And now I need to thank many of these friends. Because they've done some great things for me lately.

     I had 2 wonderful friends go with me to visit Son #2, because they knew it would be a difficult weekend and wanted to be there for me.

     

     I had several friends come to my house after Ike hit and they trimmed my tree, removed it from the hole, patched the hole in my roof, raked my yard, cut up all of the huge branches all over my yard, stacked the new logs on my corner, bagged up every thing that had fallen ..... and put the bags on my corner. It was a lot of work on a Sunday afternoon. And my yard was full of people. People who knew I had a mess and that I was upset and who wanted to help. I didn't ask a single one of them to come ..... but they did.

     I have a friend who had a generator and so made coffee for me and my mom and brought it to us in the mornings.

     I had a friend come and rescue us in the middle of the storm Saturday morning and take my mom, my son and me to his house where we could enjoy light and the news with their generator.

  

     I had friends invite me over just so that I could leave the house and be distracted.

     I had friends who froze water (in what seemed to be all of their available containers (they had power) ) and brought it to me daily. She also made me chocolate chip muffins. And took some of my freezer stuff so that I wouldn't lose everything.

     I have friends from all over the country who called to check in on me and see if we were OK or if we needed anything. They also volunteered to let us stay with them.

     I have a friend who volunteered to bring me a generator --- from Oklahoma.

     I have friends who bought food, batteries, water, ice, coffee, etc. for me.

     I have friends who came over to help me celebrate Son #3's birthday when he was depressed that his dad wasn't here.

     I have friends who celebrated (and still do) with me when the power came back on.

     I could go on and on. I'm sure I'm leaving out hundreds of deeds and people.

I don't know what your many definitions of "friend" are. All I know is that I have more than one person should have.

And that God has blessed me abundantly with them.

And that I need them --- He knew I would need them --- and I hope that I can give back to them even a quarter of what they've given to me.

     Here are some pictures of a few of my friends (if I had carried my camera around more over the years I would have hundreds of these):

    

Not much has changed

I still want to die, sometimes pray for it (although God & I don't seem to be on the best of terms lately. My head knows He was there in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, my heart feels He turned his back on me and my pleas and I don't know why).
Please don't worry -- I'm not going to do anything stupid. What kind of person would do that to the now 6 most important people in their life? Again, these are just my honest feelings. I so want this pain to stop, to at least numb a bit. But it won't. And I so want to be with Jim, the person who's heart beat with mine; the person whom I still look for when I want to share something kind with him; the person who would have done anything possible to make sure I never had to hurt this much.
I have lost my heart.
My children have lost their father.  We each have lost something/someone different.  And the challenge will be to help them grieve as I grieve.  I don't know how to do this.
My friends have been wonderful. I can't thank them enough. I'll never be able to thank them enough. I can only wish that they hold their spouses tightly, never let a day go by without telling them how much they love them, and that they never, ever have to feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on the worst person in the world.
The kids and I have decided that we can't do Christmas this year. I'm not even sure about next year, but we'll take that when it comes. We're leaving in the morning for a week long cruise. My awesome friends and dozens of complete strangers worked for hours this week to make this possible. I don't expect that we'll enjoy the cruise, but I hope that we enjoy our time together and away from here. I know that I'm only postponing reality, but hopefully that will be a good thing.
Thank you to everyone for your support, your comments and most of all, your prayers. Please keep them coming because we are in desperate need of them.
The memorial service today was such an honor to Jim. He would have loved it, though he would have thought it was a bit over the top with the nice comments. But that was Jim. He never really knew what an awesome man he was to so many people.
I thank all of you who came. He would have loved visiting with you.
I hope and pray that some day a bit of humor will return to my heart and to this blog. I'm not so sure. But again, it's one minute at a time.