I really, really needed that.
Last night was a bad night.
A very bad night.
I struggled to stay up until 8:00 or so before going back to bed.
Those 3 - 4 hours were very dark.
I hate the dark.
I think that my body is now telling me that it's time to rest. I've been going and going and going, trying to not think about what I may, or may not, have going on inside of me.
I know that part of having R.A. is needing to rest .... a lot.
And I am not good at resting.
And I abhor the thought of "having to rest" .... especially on a regular basis. It makes me feel like I'm 105 or quite sickly .... and I'm neither.
But yesterday my body took control of my mind and would not let me intercede. I could not control it for one more hour.
And that was very, very depressing.
This was not how I saw my life going.
Even after Jim's death.
I am sick and tired of the things that seem to have been thrown at me since then, because I guess that having my husband die was just not enough.
So, today I feel better. I made it, barely, to my 9:00 PT appointment. I didn't want to, but I did.
Then I got a couple of things done around the house.
And now I am ready for another nap.
On the up side .... I think that the steroids are starting to help.
On the down side ..... that means that I definitely have this disease.
And that sucks.
And is depressing.
Because it's hard enough to be 51 and have the hope of ever meeting another man who will love me hugely, but to have to add to the baggage of RA in there ...... that hope seems to be dying.
Yes, I know that there are some great meds out there, so that gives me hope.
And I know my doctor won't keep me on the steroids for very long. He just wanted to do this for 2 weeks as a test to see if they have any effect. Because if they do then that will tell him that the disease is there, even if I tested false negative, as some of the population does.
Only 2% of the people out there get this disease.
How.
Did.
I.
Get.
To.
Be.
So.
Lucky?
OK, enough of this pity party post. I hate these, which is why I rarely tell anyone what's really going on.
I am SO sick of things "going on" and being the person that other people feel sorry for. I am not that person .... I don't like it and I don't handle it well. So when I finally break down and say that I'm not feeling well, it's because it's been going on so long that I have to finally let it out.
Now I will end this on the UP, UP, UP side.
I asked the dr., "If it turns out that I do have RA, what kind of exercise can I do? Can I still play tennis?"
He said, "Certainly. I know it's important to you since you've already mentioned it 3 times and yes you'll be able to play. You won't be able to play if you're having a flare up (like right now) because it's not good on your joints to play when they're swollen. But yes, you can play. I play tennis also and know how much it means to you. So that's my job .... to get you back on the courts."
I think I almost fell in love with him at that moment.
And I tried very hard to not cry in front of him .... again.
:)
So there you go, Peeps.
My life today.
Could be worse.
Could be better.
It is what it is.
Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)
