The Missing of Him ......

...... may not bring me to my knees in that cold, dark place anymore ...... but it still brings tears.  Multiple tears that fall down my face and get my computer wet.
I wonder if the missing of him will always bring such tears?

Tonight I am missing him.
A lot.

And yesterday was Valentine's Day and I did really well.
Go figure.

Actually, I know exactly why I'm missing him tonight.  It wasn't just one thing that triggered my tears, but several things that happened today.
Happenstance, really.

I went to my tennis drill this morning and I worked my butt off.
Well, it's actually still there, but you know what I mean.  Our coach is amazing.  She's young and she looks younger than she is.
And she thinks that we are all just as young.
Or maybe not as young, but as fit.
You could bounce a quarter off of her body.
Mine?  Ummmmm .... not so much.
So she drills us hard.  And by hard I mean that after only 10 minutes she has most of us sucking air.
And me thinking that I may keel over after 30 minutes.
This goes on for an hour and a half (even though all four of us were praying that the drill was only an hour today ...... it was not.)
Now, this is almost a weekly event and it never causes me to feel the missing of him more keenly.  So that wasn't it.
But it was one thing.
I was tired.

Then a friend stopped me in the parking lot and asked me to join her and another friend in going to a movie.
I was sweaty and my clothes were more than damp.
Did I mention that I was tired?
So I did what all sensible, tired, sweaty people would do.
I jumped into her car and went to the movie.

The movie we saw?
"Safe Haven".

First things things first.
If you have been widowed for less than four years ...... I would suggest that you bypass this movie.
Now, I'm no expert on grief (other than my own), and we all travel this road at our own pace, so you may decide to pooh-pooh my advice and go see it.  And you have every right to do that.
Let me just say this about that:  You have been warned.

When the movie ended I could not get up fast enough to get to the restroom so that I could compose myself.  Well, that ...... and I had half of a large soda so my bladder was very angry with me.
But ...... it was more that I needed to go hide for a moment.  The ending of that movie had me doing the ugly cry.  And you should know that even a little crying makes me ugly so when I say "the ugly cry" ...... it was bad.

Now, it's true that I had no idea that the topic of being widowed would be broached in that movie.  But I did know, upon arrival at the theater, that it was ...... much to my loathing ...... a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Before you start throwing things at your computer in disgust at me ...... let me say that I used to like his stuff.
I loved "The Notebook".  Truly.
And then Jim died.
And I hated "The Notebook".  Truly.
And still do.

So I'm not a fan of the smarmy stuff any longer.
But ...... to be fair ...... even if someone had told me that the topic of widowhood would be in this movie, I wouldn't have thought too much about it.
That no longer stops me from seeing a movie, or reading a book.  It used to, but five years later ...... I'm ok with the topic.
Well, usually.

But I think the fact that I was tired helped me get to "the ugly cry" a little easier.

But I composed myself, came home, took a shower, changed into more tennis clothes, and then went back to join in the Friday night mixed doubles group.  This was my first time to join this group, and I had a partner lined up (though we didn't meet until tonight).
Most of the partners are married couples.  Most, not all.
I had fun, though the temperature dropped drastically tonight before I got there, and continued to drop.  The wind also picked up quite a bit and so it was very, very cold out.

I played well for 2 sets.  But towards the end of the second set my joints started to ache.  And I began to start feeling pretty crappy.
Did I mention it was cold?
The cold, the tiredness, and having worn myself out at drills today all kicked in to make me start feeling miserable.
But we finished the second set and shook hands all around.
It had also started to mist/sprinkle half way through the second set.

Then someone said, "Do you want to play a third set?"
And here's where I made an error in judgement.
I should've said, "Though it would be oh, so much fun to play a third set with the three of you, I must decline.  I'm a bit tired from a busy day, but thanks anyway!"
That's what I should've said.
Or something less candy-coated than that.

But I did not.
The other two players said, "Sure, if everyone is OK with that."
So what could I do?  Three of the four of us wanted to keep playing.  And I didn't want to be the party popper, so I agreed.
Big mistake.
Huge.

My partner and I won the first two games.  And though it felt like my racquet now weighed at least 20 lbs, I won my serve.
The other two won the third game.
And then we started the fourth.
Lord.
Have.
Mercy.

I think that we went to deuce at least 12 times.
The mist was getting heavier, the wind was blowing harder and the temps were falling lower.
Every joint in my body was screaming at me.  I could tell that I now had a fever, which tends to happen any time I over do it or get really exhausted.
After about the 10th deuce (the other team was serving) I told my partner, "We're going to have to declare a draw in a second."
He laughed.
I wasn't joking.

Two deuces later, the husband on the other side of the net said, kind of kiddingly, "You guys wanna keep this up?  This could last all night!".
I walked up to the net and said, "No.  No, I do not."  He looked surprised and said, "Really?"  I said yes.
And then I said, "Somebody has to be the adult here and put an end to this."  I think his wife, the one who was serving all of these deuces, was relieved.  As the two of us walked off of the court she told me that her knee, which had a heavy brace on it, was killing her in this cold weather.
I then told her that my joints were killing me because I have R.A. and the cold always makes them hurt.
It turns out that she has osteoarthritis in her knee.
Small world.
Of old people.
Sigh ......

All of the couples were gathering around a table, talking about going to get something to eat, but I was done.  I needed to get home and take something for the pain and fever ASAP.
As I got into my car I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of the couples walking out into the parking lot.

And the missing of him hit.
It hit hard.

So there you go.
A really long post to convey a very short sentence:
I miss Jim.
A lot.

I'm exhausted.
My body feels like crap.
And I endured Nicholas Sparks today.

Add it all up ...... and you get me, sitting at my computer writing and crying.
Actually, I was crying when I started this post, but I'm not now.
Because writing about it ...... gets it out.
Mostly.

And now I think that I shall go to bed.
It's exhausting to write a really long and totally boring post for you guys.
Hopefully it helped some of you feel ready to go to bed, too.
Unless of course it's the middle of the day.
And then ...... all I can say is ...... "I'm sorry."
Now go take a nap.

Happy Friday/Saturday, Peeps.
:)

Three Days Later ....

.... the side effects are starting to rumble.
I don't feel horrible, but I don't feel as good as I've felt before now.
I just took a dose of Immodium to see if that would help.

I'm guessing that all of the stress of the past couple of days has not helped.

This is how hot it was in the house before we left:

This was how hot it was, according to my car,  5 minutes after we left:

And that, my friends, was after it had dropped from 111 degrees.
The lowest it got on the one hour drive home was 106.
Yowza.

Yes, we came home to a cooler house.
Until yesterday, when one of our AC units here broke down.
And then, ironically, the thermostat here read this:

Yes, it's the same pic from the lake.  I didn't take a pic of the one here, but the number was the same.
Sauna much?
Not me.
I live in the hot, humid, blazing, humid, miserable, humid area of south Texas.
Did I mention that it's humid here?
Just walking to the car is enough sauna time for me.

So yes, another broken AC unit.
Which evidently is leaking freon in a big way.
Huge way.
The guy had to put 5 lbs back in.
Major leakage.
But he could not tell where the leak was nor how bad it was because by the time this poor guy arrived it was 9:00 and dark.  So he replaced 2 parts that were fried, and filled it with freon.
And then said that if it were him, which I always appreciate, he'd just run it and see how long it takes before it stops cooling and then call them back.  It could be a very slow leak so it might work for another year.  Let's all just hope that that's the case, shall we?
:)

When it rains, it pours.
Does it not?

And then the pouring turned into a deluge.

I found out that there's a leak in my shower, behind the wall, at the lake.
So a plumber is going out today to cut a hole in my bedroom wall so he can get in there and replace what needs to be replaced.
Of course.
He shall then install a plastic access door which he says will "not look too bad".  I cannot tell you how much comfort this does not feel me with.
Because I'm thinking that his idea of what will "not look too bad" and my idea of what will "not look too bad" or perhaps miles apart.
But then again .... perhaps not.
:)

On a better note ..... I received a message yesterday from that jerky guy's (the one who ran into my car) insurance company, telling me that they did, indeed, accept 100% liability for their client and would like to talk to me about repairing my car.
It took every fiber of strength in my being to not call him up and shout, "HA!!!" into his ear.
Seriously.
Especially since I had just realized the AC unit was not working and just heard about the shower problem.
But I refrained.
For now.
:)

My brother and his family will be arriving at the lake tonight.  So I will hosting without being there to host.  Not my favorite position to be in, but they'll be fine.
Of course, we may not be using the boat, which is a huge bummer for his kids, as well as mine.  We shall see.
And I think it will take all the strength I have (good thing I'm pretty dang strong!) to keep my brother from trying to fix my "new" boat.  Yes, he might be quite capable.  But if there's one thing I learned from Jim (and I think there's probably more than just one), it's to leave some things to be fixed by people who fix those things for a living.  Because you're more likely to pay less money if you don't attempt to fix it first, thereby making it worse.  Or at least that's been my/our experience.  : )

Son #1 came home yesterday and as always, I was happy to see him and happier to have him here.
Daughter #2 will join us at the lake on Friday.
Yay!
And then on Sunday, I head to San Diego.  For a visit to my brother-in-law and his family.
Double Yay!
And then, on Thursday I head to Camp Widow.
Yay to infinity and beyond!!!
:)

OK, that's it for now.  Sorry that all of my posts are always so dang long.  I think I need to work on that and make them a bit more brief.
Thoughts?

I'm planning on writing a post soon that I hope you will all, or most, comment on.  It's to be a discussion post on a topic that usually gets a lot of discussion amongst people.  And everyone will be free to put exactly what they think, whether others agree or not.
Whether I agree or not.
I love hearing divergent view points and trying to see things through the eyes of others.  It's something that too little people do and it takes work.  I need more work on it, but I'm learning.  I'm stretching, which isn't always comfortable, but I think in the end, it's a good thing.

Intrigued?
Good.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

Thirty Hours Later ....

.... and all is well.
As of now.

Well, physically anyway.

We are no longer at the lake.
One of the AC units died.
Dead.
Not to be resuscitated .... but replaced.
Of course.
Since I replaced the other one last month.

So .... it was way too hot in the house to stay.
So we came back home.
Where it's much cooler.
At least in the house.

And I have felt good all day.
Tired, from not much sleep, but good.

Hopefully I'll keep feeling good.
:)

Thanks for the prayers.
Keep 'em coming.

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Peeps.
:)

Now Is The Time For All Good ....

.... men Peeps/Prayer Warriors to come to the aide of their country Blogger.
And pray.
 :)

Here is my day, in pictures.
Enjoy.

                     This is the view from under the Bimini top on our boat.  If you look closely, I think you can see a wasp, eating a spider.  Yep, that's pretty disgusting, but the first thing I said to Son #3 was, "Take a picture!"  See, I'm always thinking of you, Peeps.  :)  Disgusting or not.  I also thought it was quite interesting.

         Son #3 and G.  Son #3 trying to be all "GQ" .... or something.  WhatEv.

                                  We tried to drown them .....

         We tried to break them .....

      And still they did did "show-offy" things.  Guys.  Sheesh.

                  We anchored the boat at an island and enjoyed some relaxing time, on the boat and in the         water .....

               .... in spite of the fact that it was so dang hot out that we could not put out feet down on anything black .... or, even worse, anything metal! Yes, I know that it looks like our feet are down on the black part of the deck, but they were not.  They were tucked up on the end of our seats, hanging over the black part.  Trust me, we would have blisters now if we'd kept them there.

                             The water was like glass .....

                     So the boys got back on the tube ....

                 and continued to show off .....

                  Which led to this .....

                            And this .....

And a whole lot of laughing by the two moms in the boat.

Yes, V and I took our turn on the tube.  And we busted out on that thing and topped out at the amazing speed of 15 mph.
Don't judge.
The older you get, the harder it is to recoop from those spills.
Especially with one shoulder not all the back to perfect health yet.
We.
Are.
Not.
Stupid.

And so we stayed tubing at around 11 mph.
I bet many people whizzing past us thought that these two young men were rescuing us .... or something to that effect.
It was a bit pathetic.
But fun.
And not painful.

The only unplanned thing that happened (well, unplanned by the two of us) was that Son #3 tried to drown us when he slowed the boat down so much that the tube was forced under the water, thus dumping out its two occupants.
The boys that it was hysterical.
Us .... not so much.

But we got back in and went out for a bit longer, under dire threats of making everyone go home if we happened to get dunked again.
Yes, I'm mean like that.
But it worked.
;-)

After we brought the boat in and cleaned up, it was time to finally do the deed.

Methotrexate.  Four pills once a week for 4 weeks.
Then back in to have blood drawn and chest x-rays.
To make sure my kidneys, liver, blood count and lungs are A-OK.
Sounds fun, no?
No.
But hopefully, this will work.
And hopefully it will work without the horrible side effects.

I took the 4 pills at 6:00.
We had dinner at 7:30.
Steak.  Corn on the cob.
All good.
All I wanted to enjoy tonight, just in case I can't enjoy them tomorrow, or the next few days.

It is now 2:00 a.m. and I feel fine.
I know enough about this med to know what the side effects are, or can be.
But I haven't researched it enough to know when they can hit, though I think it's the first couple of days after taking them.
I didn't want to read too much about it.
Not to be in denial.  But just to not focus on the "what ifs".
Because sometimes, though you might not know it from reading this blog for the past 3+ years, .... sometimes ..... the "what ifs" don't happen.

And that's the hope I'm going with tonight/this morning.
Again, all prayers are appreciated.
Very much. :)

Night, Peeps.
I hope to post to you sooner, rather than later.
Happy Monday.
Happy August.
:)

Hanging At The Lake ...

.... with Son #3, my wonderful-long-time-friend, V and her son G.  A time to relax.  For me.  For V.  For G.  And for Son #3.
Hopefully Son #2 will be joining us soon.

Today the boys went out on the boat .... and had fun.  Then G went out on a jet ski for a while.  Then he returned to pick up V and take her out.
A good day was had by all.
In spite of a pot of boiling pasta .... left to boil.  Forgotten.
And when remembered .... void of water.

It is the lake.
And we are flexible.
And relaxed.
So .... who cares?

So we started all over.
And the second batch of pasta?
Came out fine.

And the relaxing continued.
And I had, what may be, my last glass of wine for a very long time.

Tomorrow, or rather .... today, since it's 1:30 a.m., I start a new med.
Tomorrow night.
One hour before dinner.
To be exact.

An RA med, that ... in larger doses ... is a chemo treatment for cancer patients.
I was told to expect nausea, vomiting, sores in my mouth .... and a general not-feeling-so-hot experience.
I.
Am.
Beyond.
Thrilled.

Way beyond.

But .... I am hopeful.
(My word for the year.)
I hope that my body accepts this drug easier than we think it will.
I hope that the nausea isn't as bad as it could be.
I hope that I don't spend the following few days feeling miserable, and not able to be more than 5 feet away from a toilet.
I hope that my body will adjust to this drug easily and quickly.
I hope that my hair does not start falling out.
I hope, that in spite of all the "what-ifs", this medicine helps the pain I am currently feeling to go away.
And to stay away.

I tried a "more natural approach".  And I hoped that it would work.  And that I would notice a difference.
I did not.
Bummer.
So .... I admitted defeat.  I got off of the river of Denial, and I went back to the doctor.
Who said that it appears that I am one of the very-so-rare-humans who is "zero positive RA".  Meaning that non of my clinical tests, blood & x-rays, show that I have RA.  But clinically, I present as having RA.
And, after being treated with steroids, I do indeed have some sort of inflammatory disease.  That, after a week of being on steroids, seemed to have disappeared.  Completely.
And once the steroids were taken away, reappeared within 48 hours.  And, for over a week I lived with the pain, thinking that it was "do-able".  That pain .... I could live with.
And then the next week came .... and with it came a new level of pain.
And I knew, that I could not live with that.
And it grew worse, day by day.
And so I gave in.
I threw in the towel.
I admitted what I did not want to admit.
I let go of the hope that the pain I had experienced in May, and June, was just a fluke.  I let go of the hope that I would not feel that pain again.
And I called the doctor.

And so I start this new med tomorrow.
Why tomorrow?
Because he would rather I (and all patients) start it on a Sunday night, so that if I experience serious side effects, I can see him on Monday .... rather than go to an ER on Saturday.
Wow.

So I am hoping .... and praying.
And we all know (or hopefully know .... go back to Dec. 18, 2007 if you don't know) my thoughts on prayer.
And yet .... I pray.
And hope.

And ask you to hope with me.
And pray for me.
In spite of ..... well, you know.
Just .... in spite of.

Thanks, Peeps.
And Happy Sunday.
:)

Life Is ....

..... good.
Mostly.

In fact, today I not only thought that, I bought the t-shirt.

Yep.
Seriously.
Which is the t-shirt I was wearing when I bought the new one.

I know that since December 18th of 2007, I have mostly felt .... and asked, "Seriously?!"
Many times.
Many, many times.
Too many to count.

But today, even though I wore that shirt, I thought that my life is mostly good.
My joints still hurt, but I am not flaring.
Not now anyway.
Hopefully not again, but I've learned to not look too far ahead and to be happy with right now.

I took my last steroid pill on Friday.
We shall see.
I also am trying, WITH my doctor's consent, to see if the statin I've been taking for a year has anything to do with the joint pain.
Thankfully statins are not something you have to wean yourself off of.
So the last one I took was last Wednesday.
So far I have not noticed a difference, but time will tell.  I hope.

My shoulder is great.
So great, in fact, that I played tennis yesterday.
I KNOW!!
It felt .... absolutely great.
For the first time in 5 or so years I played tennis with no pain in my shoulder.
None.
Zero.
Zilch.

I only played for an hour or so, since my team mates didn't want me to push it.
Dad-gummit.
It felt so good to be out on the courts again.
And to be with my friends.
: )

Then I came home and started working on stuff for Camp Widow, and continued organizing all around the house.
I managed to clean out and organize the game room and the laundry room.
It took me until 5:00 A.M. ---- yes, as in THE MORNING, but I got it done.
I had to stop at 8:30 last night for our monthly board meeting (we Skype them since we're all over the U.S.).  We finished the meeting around 10:30 p.m.   I then finished up some work for that and then went back to the organizing.
Yes, I should have gone to bed, but I didn't feel tired.  Or sleepy.
And so I organized.
And am very happy with the results.
Even if I'm not happy with the lack of sleep.
:)

I got up at 10:00 and then ran errands until 3:30.
Both boys are home.
The grocery store takes longer than I remembered it taking at the beginning of the summer.
After that I went back to work on CW stuff.
It's in 3 weeks.
I.  Can.  Not.  Wait!
I SO look forward to seeing very good friends again .... and meeting other very good friends face-to-face, for the first time.
And just in case you doubt .... it's TOTALLY and 100% possible to develop a very, very good friend without even meeting them.
That's what widowed people do.
And I have found that ability to be very amazing.

I also get to spend time with Jim's brother and his family in San Diego that week .... and of course I'm looking forward to that.
I love spending time with them.  I wish we could see each other more often.
But .... there you go.
So I enjoy the time when I have it.

And speaking of someone I love ......
My sister sent me this today:

She painted it herself.
I KNOW!!!
I love it!!
And her.
:)
And in case you're wondering, the sign behind the glass reads, "Real love stories never have endings ..."
Someone special gave it to me after Jim died.
I love it, too.
:)

So there ya go .... my past day or so.
And now you'll have to excuse me.
I'm being crafty.  Literally.
I KNOW!!!!
That is SO not me, and I am currently understanding why.
I'm trying to turn a piece of "wood" (not real wood but I don't know exactly what it is.  See how crafty I am NOT?) into a magnetic chalkboard.
I have sprayed an entire can of magnetic paint on it.
I am less than thrilled with it's power to attract.
Way less.

But I've used up the whole can and I have no intention of getting another one, so .....
it's time to use up the chalkboard paint.
Which will most likely lead me back to my starting point .... an unmagnetized chalkboard.
What. Ev. Er.

Wait ..... it just occurred to me .....
It just may be .... that life is good ......
Because I'm spraying cans of flammable,  mood-altering vapors in my family room.
All by myself.
Well, me and the cat.
But his mood seems to be unaltered.
Always.

But mine?  It's pretty dang good.
I'd better start spraying again before it alters.
:)

Happy Tuesday/Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

So, a Lady Walks Into A Bar ..

.... or rather, a doctor's office.
Sorry, but "A lady walks into a bar..." sounds much funnier than "A lady walks into a doctor's office ....".
Doesn't it?

OK, since you asked .... even though you didn't .... yes, this is a biographical post.
And yes, it really is 2:00 a.m.

Let's see .... where was I?  Other than not sleeping?

Oh yeah ..... so, I walked into my doctor's office yesterday.
And when I walked out .... I knew no more than when I walked in.
Don't you just love it?
Me, neither.

Yes, 7 (SEVEN) tubes of blood, a boat load of tests,  and 2 weeks later .... we got nothin'.
Except for this:  I am feeling as close to great as I have in a long time.
Or rather ... I was feeling that way.
Right now?
Not so much.

It would seem that out of the 1 to 2 percent of the population (again ..... lucky, lucky me!) that has R.A. (or something quite close) .... I fall into the 20 percent who test negative.  Something about negative serum.
I should totally go out and buy a lottery ticket.

My doctor wasn't surprised ..... or at least, not stunned.
I was.
I asked him if he had seen this before .... the symptoms, signs and physical characteristics of R.A./Inflammatory Arthritis but no blood indicators.
That's when he told me about the lucky 20%.

His gut tells him that I have it.
But he, and I, are not so thrilled with moving forward with treatment, based on his gut.
And so we went to plan B.
Which involves me tapering off of the steroids.
And waiting to see what happens.
If anything happens.

So yesterday morning I took a pill.
This morning I did not.
And sometime in the afternoon, during the agony that will henceforth be known as, "Transformers 3: You'll Be Begging it to End", I noticed that my toes were aching.
No, not the whole toe, just the joints.
All twenty .... both feet.

I ignored it.
And told myself that I was imagining it because I knew that my body was off of the steroids today and was a bit worried about this happening.
That worked for a while.
Until my ankles started to disappear under the swelling of my feet this evening.
So.
Much.
Fun.

And now, here I am ..... not benefiting from the relief that the steroids gave me, yet not benefitting from the relief of sleep that they have also deprived me of.
For 2 (TWO) weeks.
And my knees are aching, as are my fingers and wrists.

God seems to have a really crappy sense of humor lately.



The morning after:

So I finally fell asleep around 3:00, got up at 9:00, went to physical therapy at 10:00.
And now I feel great.  Well, emotionally great, but not all that bad physically.  I get to take a steroid pill today so that helps a bit.  But the aching wasn't too bad this morning and I've worked most of it out now.

The reason I feel great?
I told the PT that I had an appointment with my ortho, either next week or the week after .... wasn't sure which (the week after).  He told me that I would was doing great and would be discharged at that visit.
YES!!!!  Which means that I'll be cleared to start playing tennis.  And you ALL know what that means to me!  So yes, I'm grinning from ear to ear right now.
See?

Yes, I have no makeup on.
Oh well.

And now I must turn my attention back to the USA women's soccer team.  DANG!!!  France just scored, making 1-1.  See what happens when I'm not actively cheering????
Bye, Peeps.

And Happy Wednesday.
:)

Thank you ....

.... to each of you who came out (some out of lurkdom) to post helpful suggestions and tons of support.
I really, really needed that.
Last night was a bad night.
A very bad night.

I struggled to stay up until 8:00 or so before going back to bed.
Those 3 - 4 hours were very dark.
I hate the dark.

I think that my body is now telling me that it's time to rest.  I've been going and going and going, trying to not think about what I may, or may not, have going on inside of me.
I know that part of having R.A. is needing to rest .... a lot.
And I am not good at resting.
And I abhor the thought of "having to rest" .... especially on a regular basis.  It makes me feel like I'm 105 or quite sickly .... and I'm neither.

But yesterday my body took control of my mind and would not let me intercede.  I could not control it for one more hour.
And that was very, very depressing.

This was not how I saw my life going.
Even after Jim's death.
I am sick and tired of the things that seem to have been thrown at me since then, because I guess that having my husband die was just not enough.

So, today I feel better.  I made it, barely, to my 9:00 PT appointment.  I didn't want to, but I did.
Then I got a couple of things done around the house.
And now I am ready for another nap.

On the up side .... I think that the steroids are starting to help.
On the down side ..... that means that I definitely have this disease.
And that sucks.
And is depressing.

Because it's hard enough to be 51 and have the hope of ever meeting another man who will love me hugely, but to have to add to the baggage of RA in there ...... that hope seems to be dying.

Yes, I know that there are some great meds out there, so that gives me hope.
And I know my doctor won't keep me on the steroids for very long.  He just wanted to do this for 2 weeks as a test to see if they have any effect.  Because if they do then that will tell him that the disease is there, even if I tested false negative, as some of the population does.
Only 2% of the people out there get this disease.
How.
Did.
I.
Get.
To.
Be.
So.
Lucky?

OK, enough of this pity party post.  I hate these, which is why I rarely tell anyone what's really going on.
I am SO sick of things "going on" and being the person that other people feel sorry for.  I am not that person .... I don't like it and I don't handle it well.  So when I finally break down and say that I'm not feeling well, it's because it's been going on so long that I have to finally let it out.

Now I will end this on the UP, UP, UP side.
I asked the dr., "If it turns out that I do have RA, what kind of exercise can I do?  Can I still play tennis?"
He said, "Certainly.  I know it's important to you since you've already mentioned it 3 times and yes you'll be able to play.  You won't be able to play if you're having a flare up (like right now) because it's not good on your joints to play when they're swollen.  But yes, you can play.  I play tennis also and know how much it means to you.  So that's my job .... to get you back on the courts."
I think I almost fell in love with him at that moment.
And I tried very hard to not cry in front of him .... again.
:)

So there you go, Peeps.
My life today.
Could be worse.
Could be better.

It is what it is.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

I Was Totally Wrong ....

.... about not being any more exhausted than I was yesterday.

Way wrong.

It is now 5:20 p.m. and I just got out of bed.
I am heading back to bed as soon as I can.

I think my body is telling me that it doesn't want any more pain pills.
No, I'm not a dr. but I don't know what else could be responsible for this.
I took 2 steroid pills last night and don't think that's what this is.
I just think my body is tired.
Which makes me very sad that I made my PT appt for tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

Well, that's it.
I'm going back to bed to hopefully sleep through the night.
Being awake just seems to make me tired .... and depressed.
Yuck.

I'm Not Certain .....

.... but I don't think I could be any more exhausted than I am right this very minute.
It is now 11:00 and this is truly the first time I have been able to sit down and relax since I left for the doctor's office at 1:00 today.  I didn't get home until around 10:00.

First off, I had my first physical therapy session this morning.  Not my first time to have PT, but the first one since my shoulder surgery.

Let's just say that I was less happy leaving than I was when I got there.
On the up side .... I was able to watch Venus get her butt kicked lose graciously in only 2 sets.  And on the double-up side .... I was able to watch her sister Serena lose this morning (also in only 2 sets) before I had to leave for PT.
I think those were the high points of my day.

I finished PT and then came home to have a business call ..... yay for Camp Widow getting close!
After our meeting it was time for me to go sit in this new doctor's (new to me) office for over an hour.
I asked 2 other women waiting with me if they were new .... they were not.  And yes, there's always a wait.  Especially on Monday's because that's "infusion day".
No, I didn't ask, but I have a fairly good idea and didn't want to learn any more about it.

So I finally get called back, weighed (ugh!), temperature and BP taken.  No problems there.
I then sat in the exam room and waited again.  This time the wait was much shorter.  He came bustling in, introduced himself, and then managed to bring tears to my eyes by shaking my hand.
Have I said that I seem to hurt all over?
Yeah ...

He sat down, looked at my paper work and then asked who sent me.  I replied that my regular dr. had.  He asked why.  I said that they told me that I needed to see him because my blood work came back positive for R.A.
He looked at the papers again and then said that he wouldn't consider my "number" to be positive.  It was the lower region of positive and he said that doesn't count.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I really did want to hear the words, "There has been a mistake.  You don't have R.A.  Now just go skipping merrily on your way and enjoy the rest of your life."
But.
And this happens to be a rather large "but".
I.
Am.
In.
Pain.

Constant.  Never gone.  24/7.
Sometimes it eases up a bit, but that's only by taking some very strong meds every 4 stinkin' hours, which I don't want to keep doing.  I know that after a while I'll grow accustomed to that med anyway and then it will no longer relieve any of my pain.
It was at about that time that I began to think I may be losing my mind.

Then he started to ask about my symptoms .... when the started, how they progressed and how they limited me.
He then asked what caused me main throughout the day.  "You mean, besides your hand shake?", I asked him.
He smiled and said that his handshake was a test to see how his patients are doing.  He could tell that it had hurt me when he did it.
What a lovely person.
Then he examined me .... every single joint, every swollen appendage, my lungs, my heart and my liver,.

 He concluded that I did, indeed, have R.A.  (don't know if it was the feel of each of my joints, the always-swollen appendages that used to look like legs and feet or the fact that he made me nearly jump out of my skin every time he touched a joint).  But .... he would not give me that diagnosis until he took 7 vials of my blood, put my on steroids for 2 weeks and then had me come back in.
I asked him what the side affects are to steroids and he immediately said, "Weight gain.".  And then my eyes filled with tears again.  He said, "I know.  I hate to have to tell people that but it's true.  But it's only 2 weeks so it'll probably on be a couple of pounds."
He does not know my body.
If I even look at a picture of something fattening I gain 3 pounds.
And here I am, still 5 lbs over where I want to be because of that damn patch.  So great.  Let's just keep adding to that.
And ..... if I find that the steroids help and let me reduce my intake of pain meds, then I do have R.A.  Which also means that I'll continue to be on steroids far longer than 2 weeks.

Poor guy .... he knew I was upset.  He told me again that it would only be a couple of pounds.  I retorted that it wasn't just the weight .... it was also that I didn't want to look like that!!  And I pointed to a picture on his wall of a pair of gnarled, misshapen, frozen hands.

He told me not to worry about it and to not lose any sleep over it (and I told him that the pain was preventing that anyway to no big loss).  He said to just wait and see.  And that it could be worse.  At least it's not cancer.

Well, yes .... let's all do a happy dance for that fact.

I told him that I had already been through "the worst thing" .... and he agreed .... a little sheepishly.

Besides, he didn't seem to been in any pain at all as he was writing all of this stuff down.  Must be nice.  I can't even hold a pen anymore without resembling a cave man.

So papers were signed, prescriptions filled out and orders for more blood work were given.  Seven vials, one appointment set for 2 weeks, and paperwork all about RA  later .... and I was out the door and then in my car, with instructions to research RA and learn every thing I can about it.
I tried vey hard to not cry as I sat in my car.
And I didn't.

I'm going back to my former attitude.  Is it what it is and there's no sense worrying about it right now.
And besides .... after all I've been through, I'm pretty sure I can go through anything.

But I'd really, really like to not have to.

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Peeps.