Thank You ......

.... is not enough.

I am overwhelmed.

I was stunned today when I finally turned on my computer.
Because you were here.
You had been here.
And you continued to be here for the rest of the day .... and into the night.

I have received phone calls, texts, e-mails and comments.
Too many to count.

And out of the too many to count?
Only one that I "expected".
And it did not come through this blog.

Only one person seemed to not see the words, "three years", "prayer", "God and I", "therapist", "long time", "working on it", "healing", etc.
Only one person felt the need to point out to me how much "more healing" I really had in front of me, of more things than I guess even I know of.
Only one person seemed to think this was a brand new idea for me and something that just occurred to me overnight, I suppose.
Only one person seemed negative to me, while cloaking "truth" under the veil of "friendship".

I smile at the irony.
:)

Two years ago I would not have smiled.
But I know more now.
I know that we are all human.
We are all full of faults.
We all have things from our past that we are less than proud of.
And we are all .... mostly all ..... loving, encouraging and supportive beings.

And the more we reveal our true selves to each other, the more "reachable" we become.
I.
Am.
Not.
Perfect.

But then, I wouldn't choose to be, even if I could.
Because who among us can relate to a perfect human being?
And I very much want people to be able to relate with me, to find support and understanding in me.
Because that's what I've received.

I have received it from you.
I have received it from my wonderful, amazing, loving family.
I have received it from friends from my teenage years, my young adult years and my present life.

And most of all, I have received it from my Father.
He alone knows my heart.  Even the parts I don't yet know.
He loves me, encourages me and keeps on loving me.
In spite of .... me.

He has led me here.
He has walked this path with me.
He.
Has.
Healed.
Me.
In spite of .... me.

He continues to walk with me.
He continues to lead me.
He continues to heal me.
In all kinds of ways.

He continues to encourage me.

Just the way you have today.
In spite of .... me, and us, and our .... faults.

This was not an "over night" healing.
This has taken a lot of work.
A whole lotta work.  :)
But it's the best work I've ever done.
And the hardest.

I am not brave.
I am not courageous.
I am not stronger than anyone else.
I am not .... amazing.

All I am .... is tired of living a lie.
And tired of being controlled by something that is itself .... a lie.
And ready to tell everyone .... to keep moving forward and to leave this behind.
I've worked very, very hard to get to this point .... to be this tired .... to be this ready.
To be able to tell.

God's timing is amazing.
He alone knew how long this would take.
He alone knew when I'd be ready .... to be healed ..... and then, to tell my family, my friends, and you.
He alone has been working with, and in, me .... for a long time.
He alone led me to the people who could help Him, help me.
He alone was the reason that I was able to admit how incredibly faulted I am.

I am a work in progress.
And I choose .... to progress.

And.
That.
Is.
Something.

Good night, Peeps.
And happy ...... well, that's all.
Just ..... happy.
:)

Thank you ....

.... to each of you who came out (some out of lurkdom) to post helpful suggestions and tons of support.
I really, really needed that.
Last night was a bad night.
A very bad night.

I struggled to stay up until 8:00 or so before going back to bed.
Those 3 - 4 hours were very dark.
I hate the dark.

I think that my body is now telling me that it's time to rest.  I've been going and going and going, trying to not think about what I may, or may not, have going on inside of me.
I know that part of having R.A. is needing to rest .... a lot.
And I am not good at resting.
And I abhor the thought of "having to rest" .... especially on a regular basis.  It makes me feel like I'm 105 or quite sickly .... and I'm neither.

But yesterday my body took control of my mind and would not let me intercede.  I could not control it for one more hour.
And that was very, very depressing.

This was not how I saw my life going.
Even after Jim's death.
I am sick and tired of the things that seem to have been thrown at me since then, because I guess that having my husband die was just not enough.

So, today I feel better.  I made it, barely, to my 9:00 PT appointment.  I didn't want to, but I did.
Then I got a couple of things done around the house.
And now I am ready for another nap.

On the up side .... I think that the steroids are starting to help.
On the down side ..... that means that I definitely have this disease.
And that sucks.
And is depressing.

Because it's hard enough to be 51 and have the hope of ever meeting another man who will love me hugely, but to have to add to the baggage of RA in there ...... that hope seems to be dying.

Yes, I know that there are some great meds out there, so that gives me hope.
And I know my doctor won't keep me on the steroids for very long.  He just wanted to do this for 2 weeks as a test to see if they have any effect.  Because if they do then that will tell him that the disease is there, even if I tested false negative, as some of the population does.
Only 2% of the people out there get this disease.
How.
Did.
I.
Get.
To.
Be.
So.
Lucky?

OK, enough of this pity party post.  I hate these, which is why I rarely tell anyone what's really going on.
I am SO sick of things "going on" and being the person that other people feel sorry for.  I am not that person .... I don't like it and I don't handle it well.  So when I finally break down and say that I'm not feeling well, it's because it's been going on so long that I have to finally let it out.

Now I will end this on the UP, UP, UP side.
I asked the dr., "If it turns out that I do have RA, what kind of exercise can I do?  Can I still play tennis?"
He said, "Certainly.  I know it's important to you since you've already mentioned it 3 times and yes you'll be able to play.  You won't be able to play if you're having a flare up (like right now) because it's not good on your joints to play when they're swollen.  But yes, you can play.  I play tennis also and know how much it means to you.  So that's my job .... to get you back on the courts."
I think I almost fell in love with him at that moment.
And I tried very hard to not cry in front of him .... again.
:)

So there you go, Peeps.
My life today.
Could be worse.
Could be better.

It is what it is.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

I'm Home ....

.... and very, very woozy/fuzzy.
Make of that what you will.

I think it went ok.  The dr. didn't come back to talk to me afterwards but I'm going in on Monday to see him.
The good thing is that, for now, my arm is completely numb.  Dead.  My fingers, hand, shoulder and the right side of my neck and chest, which makes breathing a little difficult, but I prefer that over pain.
They gave me a nerve block through my neck before they put me out.  Now THAT was fun.   :-(
But at least I'll be pain free for the day.

OK, that's all .... I need a nap and Federer is playing Djokovic, so I'm tired, yet torn because it's a great match and I like both of them.

Thanks for the comments, please keep them coming.  p, thanks for the cat hint, I'll definitely try it.
Phyllis, I have those floss stick things .... thanks for reminding me.
Beth ... too funny!  I think Id have to smack him, though.  :)
H2 .... can't wait! And no, I've never played the banjo.   ;-)
Dawn .... I LOVE you!!
Patty ... I laughed out loud at the cussing joke!!  Thank you!!
Kathy ....thank you!

Well, this left handed pecking took me so long that the match is over (yay for Roger, sad face for Novak).
Time for a nap.
Please keep up the prayers .... when the pain hits it's supposed to hit hard.

Thanks, Peeps.
:)