Monday Moments ....

.... of thankfulness.

I had a wonderful, peaceful weekend at the lake.
It was just right.
I am so thankful that I have that quiet, peaceful place to escape to.
I am blessed and I am very aware of it.  I don't take it for granted.

I take very few of my blessings for granted.
Thankfully, I always knew that Jim was the biggest blessing in my life .... and I never, ever took that for granted.

The house is quiet tonight.
Son #3 was at a retreat all weekend with a church group that he loves to be with.
He was asleep when I got home from the lake, around 5:30.
It's now 10:00 p.m. and he's still asleep.
I'm assuming that means he did not sleep this weekend.
Which probably means he had a great time.
:)

Son #2 was here when I got home, with his girlfriend and her little sister.
He had to finish cleaning the dishes so that he could leave.
He was supposed to have them done before I got home.
Girlfriends.
Sigh.

He must've been pretty entertaining while he was unloading and then loading the dishwasher.
The two of them sat nearby and couldn't seem to take their eyes off of him.
Really.
Ah, young love.

I'm thankful for my children .... for each one of them.
Even during the difficult times.
Sometimes .... especially during the difficult times.

I remember reading an article by Ann Landers (Dear Abby's sister) in the paper many, many years ago.
Jim and I were married, but we did not have children .... yet.
It seems that Ms. Landers took a poll of her readers and asked them this question:
"If you were able to live your life over again, would you still decide to have your children?"
I was stunned to read the answer.
It was an overwhelming, "No."

The majority of the people (mostly women) who wrote in said that they wished they'd never had their children and would not do it all over again.
I think that may have been the first time I really thought about our assumption that we'd have children.
That article bothered me a lot and has stayed with me to this day.  I wondered if all of the moms I knew then would've answered the same way.
I wondered if my own mother would've answered the same way.
I wondered if I would answer the same way .... years down the road.

It was beyond my comprehension that a woman could have a child and then wish that he/she had never been born.
Of course, I was only 23 at the time so a lot of things were beyond my comprehension.
Thankfully.

I love my children.
I don't regret having them.
Any of them.

Now I'd be lying if I said I've never thought differently, because I have.
But that's just what it was .... a thought.
A thought during a tough time.
A thought ensnared by overwhelming emotion.
A thought.
One that came into my head.
And then left.

And I believe that any mother who denies ever having had one of those "thoughts", is wearing a very large, very heavy and sometimes very painful mask.

Raising a child in the way that he/she should go .... is the hardest thing I've ever done, aside from grieving Jim's death.
#1:  Jim's death
#2 - #7:  Raising our children.

But in raising them, they have also raised me.
In teaching them, they have taught me.
And as I have made mistakes, they, and God, have taught me humility.
And I am so thankful for that teaching.

We are not a perfect family.
We never were.
We never will be.
And that's a relief.

Because how incredibly boring would perfection be .... after a couple of days?

But we are family, and we're all ours.
And for that .... I am thankful.

Jim's quiver was/is full.
My heart is full.

Of way too many blessings to count.
And of 6 amazing blessings .... who count very much.

Count your blessings, Peeps.
And Happy Tuesday.
:)


"Like arrows in the hands of a warrior 
   are children born in one’s youth. 
 Blessed is the man 
   whose quiver is full of them. 
They will not be put to shame 
   when they contend with their opponents in court."
Psalms 127:4-5

The Best Part of Me ....

.... the very best part of me ......
are these 6 people:

They are the best part of me.
And the best part of Jim.
And of our love.

As these 6 people grow older they are starting to amaze me.
Not that they haven't each amazed me before, but it's something different now.
It's deeper.
It's on a more frequent basis.
And it is very, very humbling.

I have done nothing in my life to deserve the gift that each one of these individuals has been.
Just as I knew .... and still know, that I had never done anything to deserve Jim.
And his love.
And our life together.

I am amazed.
And blessed beyond words.
How can God love me .... that much?

I have a child who has awed me since the day she was born.  She awed both of us.
She was the first miracle in our life.
She was the first person to show us how a heart can grow by leaps and bounds in one instant.
She was the person who forever changed our lives.

She was the first person to receive our parenting.
She was the first to receive our love.
She was the first to receive our mistakes.
And I made many, many mistakes.

I tried to make sure that I apologized to her when I failed to be the best mom I could.
But I know that I didn't always say, "I'm sorry."
I tried to let her know that she was our "first" and so we were bound to screw up a few things.
I told her that parenting her was like making the first pancake in a batch.
It doesn't always turn out right and many times you just throw it away.
My parenting was like that.
I didn't always do it well with her, no matter how much I wanted to.
But in spite of being my first, of receiving my first attempt at parenting, of always having things a bit tougher than the others .... she is an amazing young woman.
And I am still in awe of her.
In awe of her independence, her intellect, her talents, her ability to love .... and forgive ..... for being raised as the first pancake.

I have a child who has made me smile consistently since the day she was born.  The day she quietly arrived and lay in a bassinet looking at everything in the room, without making a peep, for over an hour and a half .... waiting for her sister to come out and join her.
She has continued to look all around her, to take in some things in this world that others do not see. She seeks out people who need love, people who hurt, people who need to know they are each deserving of dignity, respect, love and life.
This child sees with her heart.
She sees others through her Father's eyes.
And that amazes me.

I have a child who was not in a hurry to enter this world, who enjoyed having the extra room so much she decided to stay there .... for a whole lot longer than anyone wanted her to stay there.
She has continued to stay in moments longer than most people would be comfortable in.
She has a passion for human beings most others would label, for people most people would declare not "normal".
She has no definition of what a "normal" person is.
She loves others through her Father's heart.
And that amazes me.

I have a child who has always walked closely with his Dad.
Even today, he is never far from Jim's footsteps.
He is secure in who he is and knows what he wants from life.
And he knows what he wants to give .... in his life.
He wants to help those who have been marginalized, threatened, treated inhumanely .... just for being human.
He plans, and proceeds, with his Father's guidance.
And that amazes me.

I have a child who was born kicking and screaming at the injustice of having to be born.
And he has continued to kick and scream at injustice.  Of all kinds.
This child is perhaps my most important child .... to me .... because of what he has taught me.
He taught me that, even after four children, I did not know as much as I thought I did.
He taught me to be a better mother.
He taught me to be a more intentional mother.
He taught me to be a more compassionate woman to other mothers.
He instilled a passion in me for young moms .... to let them know that it's ok to sometimes want to quit being a mother.  To let them know that they don't have to pretend to be wonderful, in control and joyful mothers 365 days a year.  And to encourage them through this, the hardest job that a person can have .... raising a human being, without the ability to be perfect.
This child taught me to be humble.
Very, very humble.
And thankful.
He taught me how to love fiercely.
And to never give up.
This child showed me, at the tender age of 3, that God has His finger on this young man's heart.  And that he will be and do something very important.
And that amazes me.

I have a child who has blessed me since the day he was born ... with the gift of slowing down and taking in "the lasts".
He taught me to sit back and watch, more than to rush and lead.
This child has taught me that we can keep moving forward, even while missing so much.
He has taught me that it doesn't take a couple of decades to impact a life, to be placed deeply and permanently in someone's heart.
This child has taught me to take something that was horrific, and choose to turn it into something that will help others.
This child seeks to help heal others .... to hopefully prevent the kind of suffering that he has experienced in his short, but so very wanted, life.
He continues to learn from the Great Physician ... to help others live because of his loss.
And that amazes me.

These wonderful people .... are the best part of me.
They are beyond the best part of me.
Of us.
These six, unique and loving human beings are 6 of the seven best gifts God ever gave me.
Gifts that were actually just loaned to me.
In spite of me.
In spite of not being worthy to be held responsible for such awesome gifts.

God loves me that much.
And that .... amazes me.

Happy Sunday/Monday, Peeps.
And please be thankful for your gifts.
:)

This Post Was Supposed to Be Titled ....

.... When Will Enough Be Enough?!

I was going to rant and rave, the way I did as I prayer journaled to God last night (which is the only way I can pray and keep on topic for more than one nano second.  I kid you not).  When will it be enough, God?
It wasn't enough to lose Jim.  It wasn't enough to know that I will die someday never knowing if my kids will die of the same thing that Jim did (and yes, no parent dies knowing their kids will be ok, but some may have drawn the "lucky" straw to add to that unknown).  Was the tumor and surgery and the hell of that year not enough?  And now this .... a "chronic disease".  When WILL enough be enough?  Will it be the day I turn my back on everything I've known and believed?  Will that do it?  What will it take, God, for You to let me just live .... happy, content, at peace, and pain free?  For at least a stinking 6 months or maybe, just maybe .... a year?!

So that's what this post was going to be about.
That, and the fact that so many people think that I have so many friends around all of the time when, in actuality, I don't.  Only one has contacted me this week (other than those of you through this blog).  And that has felt very lonely.  I hate it when people assume that you already have a lot of friends so you must be busy, thus they don't want to intrude.
Busy, I have not been.
Lonely ... I have been ... very much.

But again, that's not what this post is about ..... now.

You see my mornings start off quite painful.  Every joint hurts and it takes an hour or two for that to stop.  Thankfully, very, very thankfully, it is stopping after an hour or so, thanks to the steroids, I guess.  Because before, it didn't stop.  Mostly ever.

And then the evenings start to get bad again and the joints start hurting.
Thankfully, very, very thankfully, they are not hurting as bad as they were a week ago.  Yes, they hurt, but I can deal with this hurt.

So I am choosing to be thankful.
And I am choosing to try, very, very hard .... to let my anger go with God.  I'm not going to lie .... it's not easy and I can't just .... Poof! ..... do it.  It takes time.
But I am thankful for more things than the steroids.

And it took a call from Son #1 to help me realize how thankful I am and how blessed I am.
Have I told you before that I have 6 great children?  Because I do.
And I love them more than life itself, as do all of you parents out there.
And I miss 5 of them right now, very, very much.

But I digress.
Son #1 and I talked for about an hour.  It was great.
We talked about his plans for the future and how excited he is about his life and his decisions right now.
I love that.

We talked about my health and how that should never, EVER come before my children, and their desire to call me, but to not want me to be too tired.  Or to add to my struggling.
Hopefully we cleared that one up.  I think we did.  :)
He asked me if I'm at the point now where I just look up at God and say, "OK, give me what you've got.  I can take whatever you want to dish out."
I chuckled a bit .... and then cried .... and then told him what I really have been saying to God this week.
(See paragraph #1).

We talked about politics and our views of things in this nation that need to change and the fact that Christians .... Christians who know that God is love and grace and holds no hate for any person He has created .... these Christians need to stand up against the "Christians" who spew forth hate to select parts of our population, those who claim God hates certain people .... not the sin, but the person committing the sin.
We both agreed that we haven't read those words in our Bible.

We talked about the cost of living and college and money needed to attend/finish college (!) and the cost of living all over the U.S.

And then he told me about a young man he graduated with.  Not a person he knows well, but a student who shared quite a few classes with him.
This young man, aged 20 or 21, I guess .... has a horrifying brain tumor.  A devastating, non-operative, worst case scenario brain tumor.  And I cried for that young man.  And for his parents.  And for what was .... and what could have been.  I cried for their struggle to keep him alive, but yet in keeping him alive, wondering how to balance the length of time against the pain, ravaging destruction and illness that it takes to keep him alive.  Alive for maybe .... maybe .... a year.
I'm still crying for him.  And for them.
And I wonder, as his parents fervently pray and hope for a miracle .... do they, too, wonder .... "When will enough be enough?"

And in crying for them .... and for what will most likely not be ..... I had to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I have to pick myself up and keep moving forward.
Not that I believe (anymore ..... not for the last 3 1/2 years) that everyone is ALWAYS able to do that.  Because sometimes, as I can very well attest, it's just not physically or emotionally possible.  When you are fighting to decide to stay here on earth, or to stop the pain because you can't take it for one more minute, it is not possible to pull yourself up.
I know.  I was there.

Was.
But now I am here.
Still feeling crappy about this auto immune thing .... whichever one it turns out to be.
Still wishing that it weren't true and that I'd wake up from a nightmare.  Again.
Still wishing ..... when wishes don't often come true.
Sometimes, yes.  Often?  No.

So rather than wishing for what will not be, rather than focusing on what was and what should have been, I'm focusing on now.
And on my children.
And on my job.
And on continuing to do all I kind to look outside of my pitiful self, remember how very blessed I am, and try to keep encouraging and helping those who are widowed.
Because that's one reason that I'm still here.

And ultimately, my "head knowledge" of God will bring my heart back to him.  Ultimately.
It did before .... in a much darker, colder, lonelier place than this.
This, my friends .... is cake.

My heart hurts and feels far from the God who loves me and wants the best for me, but my head knows that He's there.
And that He hurts when I hurt.
And that life is ..... well, it's just what it is.

And damnit, I'm going to continue to make the best of it.
Because I have been, I am .... and I will continue to be .... blessed beyond measure.

Happy Thursday, Peeps.
:)


UPDATE:
I heard this song less than an hour after I posted this.
T.
A.
N.
W.

Picture post

    UPDATE (and Saturday's post --- yes, I'm kind of cheating):

Thanks for all of the compliments on the kitchen.  Of course I love it, but it's good to hear that others think it looks good, too!  The beautiful stained glass has been there for a couple of years --- my tennis partner and very good friend, M, made it for my birthday.  Please check out her website --- she is very talented!

The kitchen table was purchased at either Foley's or Dillard's, many years ago so I'm afraid that's of no help.  It has a leaf that goes into it to make it 60x60x60x60 so it easily seats 8 people.  The down side?  Trying to find a decent table cloth for that size (and decently priced).

OK.  That's the end of today's update. Oh, Son #3 and I went to a friend's house to watch the OU/TX game.  Very good game (well, if you're not from OU, I guess).  I am going watch the OSU/Missouri game -- GO POKES!!!

Son #3 is having a "movie night" with about 10 friends.  They're going to watch "The Shining" (I shudder even typing the name!).  

Son #3 and his friends are very disturbed.   

Case in point (other than their love for getting together regularly to watch scary movies): the squealing of the girls over every picture in our home that Son #3 is in (and there are quite a few) is quite disturbing.  I forgot how high little teenage girls can squeal!!

I need wine.

 Son #1 will be here at any moment so I decided to go ahead and post now.  I took pictures of the remodel (still have to repaint some of the kitchen a deeper color, but it's close).

Here's the crazy part of all of this .... I had to vacuum the floor before I took pictures.  

Don't ask .... it's just the way I am.

     Today was a good day.  I was able to spend time at home today, which is rare.  I also went to a birthday lunch with friends (so many birthdays and meals!).  

I then started reading through some of my "grief books".  I have a large stack of them.  All of them were gifts.  I just kept putting them in a stack.  I did not appreciate them in the beginning of my "after".  But now, at almost 10 months, I do.  

     Today was a day that made me think of my blessings.  And there are many.

It was a good day.

Anyway ..... here are the pictures, with a few thrown in of Son #3 and Gabby:

    







There ya go.  I am very happy with it.  I should've added a picture of the half bath.  Actually, the sink and cabinet have been ripped out so that leaves only half of the half bath, which I guess makes it a quarter bath.  Oooooh, math ...... I'm getting dizzy now.

     OK, I'm better.  That happens every time.

Son #3 is now on the B team.  Before you get sad .... he volunteered (why is the song, "Billy Don't Be a Hero" running through my head at the mention of "volunteered"??).  

The coaches came in the day after the game and said they needed a few people to move to B team.  No one's hand was 'up in a moment' (there's that dang song again!) so the coaches added the wonderful words .... "You'll get to play for a least half the game."  And so #3's hand shot up.  Yay for him.  So it's not because they demoted him ... but because he's a football-hog.  

I couldn't be more proud.

Thank you .... yet again.

     So .... it's been very interesting to see the comments regarding friends. I guess we can all define "friend" in different ways. But I think we need to be careful when we're so stringent with our definition that we limit our blessings.

     I have many friends. Actually, too many to count. They are not acquaintances, they are not just people I wave to once in a while, they are true friends.

     My definition of a friend is someone I care about- a lot (so of course it's someone one I know). A friend is someone on whom I can call --- for anything -- and know that this person will help me, willingly and without keeping an account of how many times I've asked.

A friend is someone for whom I would do the same. A friend is someone I support and encourage and who does the same --- no matter how far apart we are, how many times a month we talk with each other, how much we share -- or don't share -- our feelings.

No. Matter.

     I have friends whom I don't get to see very often, but when we do see each other we pick right up. And if I ever needed anything, I could call these friends and they'd be there for me. They don't "require" huge investments of my time, deeds or stated feelings. They are my friends because we care about each other --- even with my shortcomings and lack of ability to emote unselfishly. They like me because I'm me.

     And now I need to thank many of these friends. Because they've done some great things for me lately.

     I had 2 wonderful friends go with me to visit Son #2, because they knew it would be a difficult weekend and wanted to be there for me.

     

     I had several friends come to my house after Ike hit and they trimmed my tree, removed it from the hole, patched the hole in my roof, raked my yard, cut up all of the huge branches all over my yard, stacked the new logs on my corner, bagged up every thing that had fallen ..... and put the bags on my corner. It was a lot of work on a Sunday afternoon. And my yard was full of people. People who knew I had a mess and that I was upset and who wanted to help. I didn't ask a single one of them to come ..... but they did.

     I have a friend who had a generator and so made coffee for me and my mom and brought it to us in the mornings.

     I had a friend come and rescue us in the middle of the storm Saturday morning and take my mom, my son and me to his house where we could enjoy light and the news with their generator.

  

     I had friends invite me over just so that I could leave the house and be distracted.

     I had friends who froze water (in what seemed to be all of their available containers (they had power) ) and brought it to me daily. She also made me chocolate chip muffins. And took some of my freezer stuff so that I wouldn't lose everything.

     I have friends from all over the country who called to check in on me and see if we were OK or if we needed anything. They also volunteered to let us stay with them.

     I have a friend who volunteered to bring me a generator --- from Oklahoma.

     I have friends who bought food, batteries, water, ice, coffee, etc. for me.

     I have friends who came over to help me celebrate Son #3's birthday when he was depressed that his dad wasn't here.

     I have friends who celebrated (and still do) with me when the power came back on.

     I could go on and on. I'm sure I'm leaving out hundreds of deeds and people.

I don't know what your many definitions of "friend" are. All I know is that I have more than one person should have.

And that God has blessed me abundantly with them.

And that I need them --- He knew I would need them --- and I hope that I can give back to them even a quarter of what they've given to me.

     Here are some pictures of a few of my friends (if I had carried my camera around more over the years I would have hundreds of these):

    

Wee Wednesday Post

Cute, huh?

OK, very short post just to update you all:

The retreat was great.  Have I told you how much I love the people I work with?  Of course I have!

Gabby has doubled her weight in 4 weeks.  Forty pounds and growing!  Vet said she looks great.

Son #2's "graduation" ceremony has been cancelled this weekend due to some jerk named "Ike".

I spoke with a lovely woman named Janette at Continental this morning and she let me cancel all 5 reservations (for the kids and me) and waived the change fee.  She's keeping them in the system so that I can change the date when I find out when the academy has rescheduled graduation.

My kitchen is not done, my grandmother is coming this weekend, along with an uncle and various aunts and maybe cousins.  I sent a text to my contractor early this morning asking if she could "PLEASE get this kitchen done".  We shall see.

On the positive front, the TV is in, the pulls and knobs are on the cabinets, the glass is in the cabinets and ........ oh, wait, that's it.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That was me, screaming for a bit.

I'm better now.

Not really, but now I'm going out to slam some tennis balls around the court.  

Hope I don't hit anybody.

A good day at the lake

Jim and Son #2, at Disney World -- note the matching shirts.  Gotta love it.
Son #2's self-photo with Gabby.  She looks so much bigger and it's only 4 days later!

     All is calm here at the lake.  J and her sister's family came to visit for the day.  We hung out and visited and went out on the boat.  Her daughter, brother-in-law and niece went out on the jet skis with Son #2.  It was a good day on the lake.

     Tonight we went out for barbeque with Mom and D.  It was very good.  

Tomorrow K and her kids are coming to hang for the weekend.  Gabby will have a blast.

     It's good to be here but it's also difficult.  He should be here with us.  He should be driving the boat.  He should be puttering around the house.  He should have had a lot more time to enjoy this place.  A lot.

     But he didn't.  So we put one foot in front of the other and take one breath at a time.

And enjoy the good days.

Whenever and wherever they come.  

Bandages and wounds

This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day, 2006.  I think it was the last whole family picture we took.  That makes me sadder than I can say.

     Well,  we did not blow away.  I hate to be the one who says, "I told you so." but ...... wait, who the heck am I kidding?!!  I LOVE to be the one who says that!!!  Ha to all of the panicking people out there!

     We did absolutely nothing today.  It rained all day and I stayed in my jammies until 4:00.  

Yay for tropical storms that just peter out during the day.

     Tonight I went to dinner with my new group of friends.  There were 4 of us and next week there may be more.  Four women who like each other's company and are all members of the same sucky club.  We hate this club.  We like each other very much.

  R came, of course.  This was our 3rd time together.  S came with me, this was her first time. And then K came.  She's brand new.  To us and to this sucky club.  Her husband died 3 weeks ago.  She's 28.  Twenty-freaking-eight.  sigh

     We talked a lot.  We listened a lot.  I am so glad we have found each other.  We hate that we had to find each other but we're glad that we did.  Hard to explain .... unless you're a member.  I hope you never become a member.

    

      I know this is getting redundant, but I miss Jim.  It never goes away.  It never gets better.  My outside looks great, though.  I bet there are quite a few people who look at me and think, "She seems to be doing pretty well."   Well, that and about $20,000 (back in the 80's) would get you a BA in Theatre.  As they used to say on SNL in the "old days", "ACTING!!!"

     This is not to say that my life sucks.  It does not.  I have my children and they are healthy.  They all love God and they are ALL great kids.  I am so thankful that God loaned them to Jim and I.  I hope we've mostly done Him proud.

     I have a home (granted, it looks like it's been through parts of WWII, but it's a great home).  I have wonderful family members --- lots of them, and they love me.   I have lots of wonderful friends.  Lots.  More than one person should have, I think. 

     I had the most wonderful husband in the world .... for a long time.  Not long enough, but it will have to do.  He was not perfect .... not at all.  But he was a good man.  He was a great father and a wonderful husband.  His love will last me for the rest of my life.  It has to.

     I have a God who is The God.  He walks me through this valley..... sometimes He carries me.

     So I am aware of the blessings in my life.  There are more than I can list.  But I am also aware of the gaping wound in me ..... the hole in my life.  The wound that will never heal.  Never.  I may learn to bandage it better, to camouflage it with makeup, but it will never heal.  

We all have our wounds.

Some have better bandages than others.

Twenty five years ago .....

..... today I was married. I had the most wonderful husband I could ask for. God has indeed blessed me. With a godly, awesome husband and father, with six wonderful children and with the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Even today .... 5 1/2 months after Jim died, I can say that I -- am -- blessed.

I started today whispering to Jim, "Happy anniversary. I love you." Then it was just a regular day. Sort of. Well, maybe not, but I tried to make it so.
Then, at 6:00, my friends M, S and L picked me and my mom up to go out tonight. M had told me to be ready at 6:00, but that's all she would say. They picked us up in a limo. And then we went to pick up D, A, K, D and N. They had picked Italian music to play in the limo and they took me to an Italian restaurant (Jim and I had planned to go to Italy this year for our anniversary). I had a wonderful time. I cried a bit and I laughed a lot. We saw a full rainbow on the way. You don't often, if ever, see full rainbows in this part of the country. God, and Jim, seemed to be smiling down on us. I have the best friends in the world and I'm thankful that I recognize that. Even in the valley I can see that I am blessed. I pray that Jim sees that, too.

So that was my 25th anniversary. Not how I planned or expected to celebrate it Not at all. But not the horrible day that I thought or expected it would be, either. Thank you to my wonderful dear friends. And thank you to V for the flowers. They are beautiful. I can't wait to see you.

And in other news ..... George broke up with his girlfriend. Woot!!!!!!!!

Life is messy

This is, yet again, Jim with Son #1. Having our first son was a lot like having a first child -- tons of pictures. And yet again, one of my many, many favorites.

I have heard it said that if you just pray for God to be in control of your life, and then are willing to accept whatever He wills, things will be just fine.

REALLY?!! You really think so? Some people make Christianity sound so easy and simple .... so neat and tidy. Well, I beg to differ. And I should know. When Christians make such trite (though well-meaning, I'm sure) statements, I want to ask "Really?! What the hell has ever happened in your life that would give you the experience to say that?" Because I think I can guarantee you that anyone who has had their life turned completely upside down, anyone who has had their life ripped out from underneath them, anyone who has been knocked to the ground --- no, knocked into a huge, bottomless pit, will never say something like that.

There is nothing neat and tidy about life or about following Christ. And just because we daily TRY (I say "try" because if you've managed to succeed at this then you should definitely write a book to help out the rest of us) to turn everything over to God doesn't mean that everything will turn out "fine". Sometimes you can turn things over and still end up in a pit.

I used to think otherwise .... "before". I thought my life was neat and tidy. It seemed to be, mostly (as neat and tidy as it can by with 6 kids). So I have probably said those trite things. And if any one of you have ever been on the receiving end of those words ...... I'm very sorry.

I didn't know what I was talking about.

I know that I have had a very blessed life ..... "before" and "after". I know that I am still being blessed. Jim was a wonderful husband, father and provider. He did a great job. There are many women in my shoes who aren't as well provided for. I thank God and Jim for that every day. I did lose my best friend and soul-mate and heart, but things could be so, so much worse.

I say this so that you will know that I do see that side of my life. It isn't always as dark as it once was. Not always.

I'm not sure why I wrote this post (heck, I'm mostly never sure why I write anything!). I guess it's just to say, please be careful when you speak. Especially when giving your views on God and life and "why".

Sometimes we will never, ever know why.