Looking back ....

Well, Honey ...... I'm not sure where to start.

It's been a ride, that's for sure.  And not a ride I chose to get on, or wanted to stay on, but I seem to be strapped in for life.

I started to just write about the year and post pictures from events, but there were way too many to post ..... so many that this entry would've taken several weeks.

     I guess I'll start at the beginning, which ironically, is an ending.

A year ago today.  Around 2:00 a.m., to be more exact.  You were there ...... and then you weren't.

I like to picture you as you are in the above picture .....  up in Heaven, just looking out at everything and taking it all in.  And waiting for me, of course.

Since you left you obviously missed the most amazing memorial service I've ever seen.  I was in awe.  You would have been embarrassed.  You never knew how very well thought of and loved that you were.  I wish you had.  I hope that you do now.

Anyway, you left and then the kids and I left.   We ran away from home, from Christmas, from all things/people familiar.  We took a cruise and skipped Christmas.  I'm glad.  I wish I could've done it again this year, to be truthful.  

So last Christmas did not exist and therefore does not count as our "first" without you.  That is definitely this one.

     We came back home and shuffled forward .... and backward, mostly.  The kids all went back to school.  I decided to let Son #2 stay home that semester, although you and I had planned on sending him to military school in January.  I hoped that an extra semester at home would give him time, and desire, to pull his grades up.  Plus I selfishly didn't want him to leave.  I should've gone with our plan.

     And so we continued shuffling.  Son #3 started track and field and enjoyed that.  

In February I added a kitten to the mix.  You would've been ticked.  But you would've gotten over it.  You wouldn't have gotten over the one I added in March, however.  Ummm, not to mention the one in July ..... all the way from California.

I took the kids to the farm at Easter.  We needed to see your mom, who wasn't doing well.  It was the last time 4 of them saw her.  The next month she joined you and now stands next to you, waiting.  And loving having time with you.  I'm jealous.

     You missed the letter that told Daughter #1 she gained an interview with Harvard.  You missed that beaming face that lit up most of Texas.  (I'd like to think that you didn't really miss it, but I'm not sure where I stand on that.)  She doesn't beam all that much, as you know, so it was a big deal.  And I'm so thankful that I was there when she got the letter.

     You also missed the letter that told her she got accepted to the Harvard program. One of only four people.  We always knew she was intelligent .... too intelligent for me sometimes, but Harvard?  You would have been so very, very proud.  I'd like to think you are.  She left in July and she loves it.  She's even putting up with the cold, knowing that it's only a wee preview of the cold she'll find in Moscow in February.  Our little girl.  Our first baby ..... going off to Russia.  We did a good job, Jim.  She's very much like you.  :)

     You missed seeing Daughers #2 & #3 in "Sing" .... our first one to not see together.  They were amazing, as usual.  I went with several supportive friends and the kids.  We had a good time.  Even though I cried through it all.  Another "first".

I hate "firsts".

   In May there were several of them.  Son #1 graduated from high school.  Our first without you.  He had his 18th birthday.  Daughters #2 & #3 had their 21st.  Big birthdays.  You left a big hole in those days.  

     I took the boys and Daugher #2 to San Diego to visit J, L and S.  We had a great time ... in spite of Daughter #2's broken foot.  Actually, it came quite in handy when getting to board the plane before everyone else.  And .... I'm not gonna lie ..... when getting on the rides in Disneyland.  Yes, we totally took advantage and enjoyed it tremendously.  You would have been ..... hugely embarrassed, again.  But then, you had over 25 years to get used to things, didn't you?  If you saw us from up there I'm sure you just rolled your eyes and told God that you tried to do a better job with me.  :)

     In August I added a horse to the mix.  Well, she's not technically a horse ..... but she may be in about 100 pounds.  You would have loved her.  Not in our bed, of course, but you and she would have bonded.  I named her Gabby, which mean's "God's Strength", because that's all I can live on now.  Although, her strength helps push me out of bed some days.  :)

     In August I took Son #1 to college.  And didn't cry as much as I thought I would.  Of course, that's what I have Xanax for, too.  

I'm sure it's no surprise to you that he's loving it and that he should've been there at the age of 6.  He is so You.  It's unbelievable.  He would've made you proud in the way he's stepped up to take care of me ..... as much as I let him.  I never want him to feel pressured to be You.  Because he can't.  I think I've surprised him with the things I've done on my own.  Heck, I've surprised myself.  I'm sure you haven't been surprised at all.

     I got to visit Daughter #1 in Boston and see her in her element.  She loves it there.  I wonder if she'll stay?  I'd rather her stay there than fall in love with Russia and stay there.  It was my first visit to the city.  Another first.

     At the end of August I took Son #2 to school.  I'm not going to lie, Jim ..... I have shed many tears and have had many angry words with you over this.  This is the ONE thing that makes me the most angry that you're not here.  I should NOT be doing this alone.  I should NOT have to put up with the anger, the frustration, the depression, the hateful and hurtful words  ..... not ANY of it .... alone.  Very, very alone.  I do not pretend to understand God's will in any of this.  I do not pretend to understand why I have to suffer losing you and going through this at the same time.  Sometimes I wonder what I must have done to piss Him off so much.  Or what I'm not learning that makes him keep slamming my heart to the ground.  

And so I shuffle.

Daughters #2 & #3 are heading off to Kenya in a couple of weeks.  No surprise there.  They have such huge hearts, Jim.  You'd still be proud.  

Son #2 seems to be trying to do better these past few weeks.  I wish you had been here to see him in his blues uniform.  You would've cried.  Don't try to deny it .... I've seen you cry over things related to the Marines many times.  You would've been proud .... and proud to have tears in your eyes.  I pray ...... sigh, I'm not sure what I pray for anymore when it comes to him.  I mostly cry and pray with groaning, trusting that God does indeed understand those prayers.  

But he also makes me smile.  And he can make me laugh.  He has a great sense of humor and a deep and faithful heart.  He is going to do something big some day.  God has a firm grasp on that one, Jim.  I just wonder if I'll be around to see it.

And then there's Son #3.  You missed his football season this year.  His undefeated, District-winning football season.  He did a great job.  He's done a good job of helping, loving and protecting me this year.  He takes his job as "only child" quite seriously.  He certainly was God's gift to us, wasn't he?  

The house is much quieter.  After all, last year there were 6 of us living in it.  Now there are two.

So it's been a year.  A year of many, many "firsts".  Some horrible, some easier, all lonely.

Some days I can't imagine feeling any worse and then I get up the next day and .... I do.  

Some days I can't imagine feeling anything good and then I get up the next day and .... I do.

I have learned many things.  First, never expect things.  Just take each day as it comes.

And appreciate the time I have with our children.  And our wonderful, supportive friends.  Their acts of love, kindness and support would also have made you cry.  And you'd be proud.

I've learned what an awesome man you were.  I mean, I always knew that, but not to the extent that it goes.  

There are people from all over the world sending notes to me to tell me what you meant to them.  To tell me how you impacted their lives.  One of your accounting professors even called me at home the other day to tell me what you meant ..... way back then.

And tomorrow there will be a dedication in your memory.  A building here has your name on it.  Go figure!  You will go on impacting our school district, its teachers and its children for many more years.

I thank God for you every day.  I did it when you were alive (I'm so thankful that I always knew how blessed I was to have you)...... I do it still.  

There are no words to express my love for you, for our children and for the life we had together.  You were my heart, my soul and half of me.  I'm so thankful to God for putting us in that Speech class together 28 years ago.  I'm so thankful for the time we had, for the children we have, for the fun, laughs, tears, joys, frustrations, travels, love we had.  And for the love the kids and I still have for you.

And will always have.

And that, my Love, will carry me on into the next year.  God is still doing mighty things through you, Jim Eggers, and He is using the loss of you to do good.  

I love you.  I miss you.  I cry for you.  I smile and laugh at the memories of you.

And I can NOT wait to be with you again, hand in hand.

Give your mom a hug for me.

All of me,

Janine

Happy Birthday! And Happy Thanksgiving

                        Daughter #1's first birthday:

                                   And her 24th:

                 Our yearly Thanksgiving traditions --- watching the Macy's Parade:

                    And cooking our brains out:





  These are the best pies in the world -- my mom made them.       Chocolate:
                       Pumpkin --- note the little leaves on top (and please comment about them.  The   woman is extremely pleased with her leaves).
           And one of my favorites, cherry:
          

           Can life get any better than pie and an empty glass of red wine?  I think not.

     So the food has been eaten --- well, maybe less then half of it was eaten.  My family is not known for eating large quantities of food.  In fact, we're more known for eating ridiculously small amounts of food, but that is for another post on another day.

Anyway, the leftovers have been stored and the dishes washed and put away.  The girls did the cooking, the boys did the cleaning.  That was something that Jim always did.  Every family holiday he'd grab his brothers and his sons and they'd do the dishes.  He'd also do the dishes at friends' houses after we'd have get-togethers.  Which reminds me that I wanted to thank my friend RS for cleaning up the other night.  He made me think of Jim .... and I smiled.

     So we are stuffed.  Mom and D. are heading home.  We have friends coming over tonight to watch the UT-A&M game (cuz we're neutral territory).

     And I am thankful.  

Don't get me wrong ..... I'm incredibly sad, too.  I miss him SO much that it makes me cry to even type those words.  There shouldn't be a huge hole in my heart, or in my children's.  There shouldn't be a huge hole in our home.  

But there is.

And we continue to live.  With holes.  And with hope.

I am thankful for my God and His grace.  And His presence and comfort.  

I am thankful for my children, who each remind me of their wonderful father.

I am thankful for my family -- all of them, the ones who are related to me by blood and the ones who are related to me through love -- Jim's family.

I am thankful that my Mom and D moved down here to be close for help and support and love.

I am thankful for my friends.  I would not be here if not for so very many of them.

I am thankful for Jim and the time we had together.  

I am thankful for his love for me that will last a lifetime.

I am thankful for his provision for our family.

I am thankful for our health.

I am thankful for my church.

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful that I have tennis.

I am thankful, most days, that I am here.

And I am thankful that so many people care about me and support me and are there for me... and here for me.

Oh, and most of all .... I am SO thankful that Daughter #3 brought her dog, Miley, with her to visit because it made me realize that I in no way whatsoever want a second dog.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.

Ask Me Wednesday

---- I'm actually rolling up my sleeves as I start to type this!

OK --- and here we go:

anonymous said...
Are all your children coming home for Thanksgiving? Including daughter #1? What will you prepare in your new kitchen? What are you thankful for?

Wow, anon .... you ask a lot of questions!  :)

Yes, all of the kids are coming home .... yay!  Son #2 comes home in 2 days.  Son #1 and Daughters #2 & #3 come home on Tuesday and Daughter #1 comes home on Wednesday.  Thanksgiving day is her birthday so we will have an extra reason to enjoy being together.

As for what I will prepare ...... I have ordered a deep-fried canjun turkey (can't wait!) so we will do the sides.  My mom will make her delicious pies.  I will be doing mashed potatoes, a wonderful green bean recipe Daughter #1 and I made last year, stuffing ...... that should do it.  Oh, and the traditional Mac & Cheese.  Traditional for my family anyway.

And what am I thankful for?

Oh, so many things.  For my God.  For my children, my family, my friends, our health.

And for having had Jim for almost 27 years.  And all that that entails.

monike said...

HAHA! I knew I was going to love C from the moment I saw him for a reason. That's something more diabolical than I could have ever thought of, but you have to give him credit.

PS. Is K closest to you and L on her left in the picture? I am trying to hone my twin-telling-apart skills.

PPS. Judging by your current appearance and the picture of you that you have there, here's to praying that I age as well as you do. What a hottie! :)

First I have to tell everyone that Monike is my daughters' room mate, so she's a bit biased.  And I also call her Daughter #4.  And she can't see all that well.

Anyway, yes, Daughter #2 is closest to me.  Good twin-telling-apart skills!!!!  Kudos, Daughter #4!

My Mom asks:
Do you need any moral support on Friday?  Let us know if you do.  We'll be glad to come in.

I will need all of the moral support I can get, but don't worry about coming down.  Maybe we'll have some good bonding time.  Here's hoping anyway.

And thank you.

nat said...
My question for this Wednesday is pretty deep. I liked what you had to say in an earlier post about "The Shack" and your closeness to God at this point in your life and your words really touched me. You spoke about being with God all day long and feeling his presence in your life daily and throughout your day. I have always had a tough time with my prayer life. I can do devotions and read the Bible and gain more knowledge from these things but when it comes to prayer, mine always seem very repetitive. We pray as a family before our meals and when I pray on my own I seem to ask God for healing and comfort for other people and thank him for all that he blesses me with but I feel I need to pray on a much deeper level. Thoughts? You said to dig deep-is this deep enough?

OK, Nat .... I'm rolling up my sleeves again!  

     I think that we often times make our relationship with God too difficult.  

We do.  

He doesn't.

     We have certain expectations of what our prayer life and quiet time should "look like". 

 We do.

He doesn't.

     My expectations "before" were very different.  In every aspect of my life, but especially this one.

Jim's death changed my entire life.  All of it.  Every corner.

I would like to think it could've changed without that, but I don't know.  And it doesn't do any good to think about it.

But I hope that it doesn't take anything as drastic as that for those I love.

     The main difference in my relationship with God/Christ is that those expectations are gone.

I don't think I have to sit down with my Bible for a certain amount of time.  I don't think I have to sit and pray a certain way.

But mostly, I don't beat myself up anymore for not meeting my expectations.  

Mine.  

Not His.

     I talk to Him all day.  I don't pray "formally" .... unless before a meal, really or with a group of people.  But I talk to Him throughout the day .... as if He were standing next to me.  

And He is.  

     I talk to Him as I would a friend who is standing next to me.  I talked to Him today while having my teeth cleaned!  I talk to Him in the car.  I talk to Him while I'm getting ready in the mornings.  I just talk.

     I don't sit down every day and have my "devotion/quiet time".  And guess what?  He's great with that.  

And now, so am I.

So I guess my thoughts for you are, "Maybe you're looking too deep.  Maybe you should try just having a conversation with Him.  OK, this will sound really stupid and not very "religious", but it's kind of like the way you should talk to someone who's in a coma.  Stop laughing.  Really.  You should talk to them, a lot.  Tell them about your day, what's going on around them, what you think about things, etc.  Right?  It's like a one-sided conversation.  But the other person/God can hear you.  You just can't hear what He is thinking.  So you just talk."

There.  Those are my thoughts.

I hope I was able to explain it a bit clearer than I think I did!

anonymous said...
Did you ever want to tell your kids "That's it. Nobody is going to do anything but school. I'm tired of spending all evening as a taxi driver"? My kids only do one activity each and I'm driving 6 days a week.

Oh my goodness, YES!!  In fact, I did do that one year.  We were about 3 months into the school year and I was in the car every day.  I wasn't getting home in time to get a good dinner on the table.  I was headed for a nervous breakdown.  Seriously.  So I finally told Jim that I couldn't do it any more.  I was not the "supermom" that I wanted to be.  I felt like a failure.  He was behind me all the way.  He had seen how much stress I was under (as well as the lack of dinner!).  He knew that I wasn't a failure but that our schedule was just too much.

The hardest job was telling the kids.  I cried.  I told them that I was sorry but I just couldn't do it anymore.  And that it wasn't fair to them that were 6 of them, but that's the way it was.

They were wonderful.  Kids usually are when you're up front with them.  So we pared down the activities .... by a lot.  

And I did not have a nervous breakdown.

Not then anyway.

Good luck!

your sister said...
Ok, my questions for you is really coming from Kristine. Taylor is wantiing to wear make-up and I told her that she had to wait unitl she was 12 but only then could she wear light eye make-up and a little mascara but very light. I think Kris disagrees with me on this. What are your thoughts and when did you start letting my lovely nieces start wearing make-up??? Love you!

Well, my darling sister, the girls started wearing makeup when they went into middle school, 6th grade.  And it was also light.  I think it's still pretty light, but then, so is mine.

I think a lot of girls start in 4th or 5th, but we didn't.  They need to be little girls for a bit longer than our society thinks, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...
help! how do I help my children become responsible spenders???My son (whom I love, but not so much today) just spent his book fair money on a book on how to cheat on electronic games (gameboy, psp, etc.), none of which he owns because "someday I might" ...meanwhile he's been trying to save up to buy himself a nintendo ds but now has that much less money to make the purchase. I'm trying to let them have freedom to spend their money however they want, but am totally frustrated with their choices. susan

Oh, Susan, I wish I had the magic answer for this.  I have a few children who will hold on to their money until the day they die and it has to pried out of their hands.  Then I have a few who will spend it as soon as they have it.  There is no magic pill or answer for this question.  Either they are savers or they aren't.  And M probably isn't.  I am guessing that my "spenders" will discover, once they are on their own, that Jim and I really knew what we were talking about.  If not, they will be in debt and will have to figure it out.  

I try not to control their spending, so I think you're doing well on this part.  All you can do is remind them why they are saving their money, and bemoan with them when they can't buy what they want because they spent part of it earlier.  

Sometimes it helps if they have a sibling who doesn't do this and so can save up to buy something really great.  Is B like that?

All you can do is remind them that they want to save up to get "whatever" .... if they choose to buy some little crappy thing, then the consequence is that they can't buy the bigger "whatever".  I firmly believe in consequences, and will not bail them out to accomplish their goal.  

Stay strong.  You're doing the right thing, even if M isn't learning the lesson .... yet.  Be prepared that this may be a life-long lesson for him.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  

Melanie asked me about Gabby's leg:

She seems to be doing a bit better.  She's not limping as much, though it's still there.  So I hope that whatever it is it's now healing.  And thanks for the positive words about getting two.  I keep going back and forth and wonder if I can handle it.  I think Gabby definitely needs a playmate and I certainly love her temperament and how good she is.  I wonder if 2 will be too much for me.  

Oh well, at least I have a little time to decide!  Good luck on getting A to agree to another one!  I'm glad that Huck is doing so well!!

OK, I think that's it for the Q & A.  Kudos to all of you who put forth such good questions.  I am enjoying the "Ask Me Wednesdays".  I hope you are, too.

Until tomorrow .......

No freakin' way

UPDATE:
I'm in Okla (after a 2 hour flight delay)-- had fun with 3 of my kids and V's family walking all over campus.
Saw my dad today and he felt better after seeing the pulmanologist. The dr thnks he can't breathe due to an infection, but didnt
put him on antibiotics and is waiting a week to do a biopsy. But I felt better getting to see him.
You all have done a great job with your answers and opinions. I'm proud of you!
I didn't give you my thoughts,which are not far from most of yours. After 10 months I believe it is what it is.
The world is full of crap and it spills over onto us. It's not God's will but it happens. And who am I to think it should
happen to someone else, but not me? I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone, so I deal with it. And maybe that's the test -- how I choose to deal with it. Some days better than others.
Anyway, please keep giving me your thoughts.
Tomorrow we go to the OSU/Baylor game.
GO COWBOYS!!





..... I am tired.

I'm not sure what to write ..... 

I had a great evening with some of the ladies from my "Circle".  It's so nice to talk to one another and know that we are "sane", whatever that means.  One of the women has to work with people who think she's crazy.  All because she'd rather not be here.  If given a choice, she would choose to be with her husband.  Well, lock me up.  Lock the rest of us up, too.  All I can say is that it's a good thing we're not given a choice.  I will never fear death the way I used to.  Probably the way most people do.  I look forward to it.  That doesn't mean I'm going to off myself.  I'm not.  But please don't shed one single tear for me the day that it does happen.  OK, be sad for my children, but don't ever waste one breath being sad for me.  I will NOT be sad.  And that's where my friend is .... only she's only been at this for 3 months, so she's now out of the numb part and into the "this really IS my life now and it sucks" part.  I can see that the days get better.  She cannot.  But she will not hurt herself either.  She just welcomes the idea of death.

And that's perfectly OK and normal.  I may have to go to her work place and slap some people around.

So that part of my evening was good.  That part of my week is always good.

But while I was on my way to dinner I found out that someone I love very much is sick.  Maybe seriously sick.

And I am too mentally exhausted to write anything else here.  I just found out.  I called the person in charge of our prayer team and that's all I had time for.  

I won't go into any more details because I simply cannot.  Just pray.  Please.

And I'm going to seriously consider moving to Iceland, where I know no one, nor love anyone so that maybe God will leave the people in my life alone.

Son #3 and I are flying to Tulsa tomorrow.  OSU plays in their 100th Homecoming on Saturday against the Baylor Bears.

Two of my darling daughters are also coming for the game.  It's a weekend that I've been looking forward to for quite some time.

I guess God doesn't really want me looking forward to anything .... at the moment.  At most moments for the last 10 months.

The 18th is Saturday.  I probably won't be posting.

I'm going to think of a question to leave you all ....... and because of my mood, it's probably going to be dark ...... and deep.

 

............... OK, be bold and brave.  I can take it.  Heck, I can take anything now:

So what's the deal?  What's your opionion?  Is God trying to teach me something?  Because I'm thinking that I'm mentally challenged in a HUGE way and I must not be getting the lesson!

Or do you think it's just a roll of the dice and I'm just overly-lucky this year?

Or could He be trying to reach someone else through me?  Cuz if that's it I may have to find out who that is and go slap them.  And tell them to wake up and pay attention!

Or is it just what it is?

Good grief, I'm not sure which choice is more depressing!  If you have a different opinion, please give it.

I'm done.  Stick a fork in me.

Please.

I have met the most amazing people

     Well, it's another late night so I have no idea where this will go.  I don't have the energy (?) to find a picture of Jim to put here so I'm just going to "emote".

Note:  any time you see the word "emote" on my blog you should immediately run away.  If you have a Mac you should go to the top left corner and click on the X.  If you own a PC you should exit from this page (is it the top right side?  I can't remember).  

Anyway, you have been warned.  "Emote" = run away.  Proceed at your own risk.

     OK, here are some of the thoughts I've been thinking.  

First, I can NOT believe that it's been almost a year now in my "after".  A year.  Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five (six with Leap Year) days.  A milestone.  A marker.  An anniversary.  An incredibly horrible amount of time to commemorate an incredibly horrible day. 

Incredible.  Horrible.

     I know it's only been almost 10 months, but 10 months is incredibly, horribly close to 12 months.

     It seems that it's been only a moment in time.  I blinked and now it's October.  Ten months later.  I need to stop blinking.

     The next thought is about my "new normal".  I know, in my head, that I have a new "normal".  But my heart has been waiting for the old normal to show up.  My heart has been waiting for things to get better.  My heart has been wanting life to carry on in the "before" way.

And now my mind is telling my heart, "Face the facts.  Life will never, ever again be "normal".  This will never, ever get better.  Your life will never, ever be the same and you won't feel the same.  You now have to adjust to the new "after".  And one day, the "after" will become "normal".  

No matter how much I don't want that.  

     On a side note, many of you have asked about Son #2 and why I haven't posted anything for a while.  I'd love to tell you that he's doing well and is now on the right track.  I'd love to tell you that I had SO much faith that God answered my prayer and now he's doing great.

But alas, none of that is true.  

He's about the same.  Horrible.  Unhappy.  Accusing.  Blaming.  Emotional.  Regretful.  Fearful.  Un-accepting.  Un-compromsing;  

       

     Here's the next thought (if you haven't run away by now I'm giving you one last warning.  It only gets worse):

     I really, REALLY hate it when people say, "So-and-so was healed because your prayers worked."  Or "God answers prayer".  Or "If you have enough faith God will answer your prayer" or "So many people prayed for him/her that God healed him/her."

     To all of those trite and incredibly naive statements I want to answer, "Really?!?!?!!  Are you freakin' kidding me?!!".  Why is it that some peoples' prayers "work" and some don't?   Don't tell me it's the number of prayers because that has NOTHING to do with it.  I know this from personal experience.  And do NOT tell me that I did not have enough faith and so Jim died .... because that's EXACTLY what you say when you say that thing about having enough.  I had nothing but faith.  Nothing.  I had no doubt .... none, zero, zilch .... that Jim would come through that surgery with flying colors.  Not for one second.  

I.  Never.  Doubted.

And look what happened.

     If I learned anything through all of this it is this:  God is not Santa Claus.  Not even close.

We cannot give him a list of what we want or do not want and expect that He will grant our wants.  Even if that want is for physical healing of someone.  No matter how hard you pray.  No matter how many people pray.  No matter how much faith you have.

No matter.

Prayer is for you and you alone.  Prayer is for you to get closer to God.  Prayer is for you to learn to rely on God.  Prayer is for you to turn to God.  Prayer is for your relationship with God.  

Prayer is not to get your wish list.

God knows what's going to happen and what's not going to happen.  Who are we to think that we're so vital to His plan that we can change His mind?   Don't get me wrong .... I know that He loves me.  I know that He wants only good for me.  But I also know that if I weren't here He would use someone else.  

Cynical?  Maybe.  But then, all I have to go on is experience.

I love Him no less that I loved Him on December 17th, 2007.  In fact, I love Him more.  In spite.

He has been here.  Even when I don't feel Him, He's here.  He's carried me, he's wiped my tears, He's cried with me.  He is here.  

But he didn't allow Jim to live.  In spite of the prayers.  

In spite of .....

I'll never understand why and I'll never see the "good" in allowing him to die.

I can see Him using my "after" to help others.  I can see Him using my "after" for good.  But I can't see him letting Jim die so that I can see good.  I cannot believe in that kind of god.

And I can't/don't believe in a god who says, "OK, you prayed hard enough for this person....I will let him live."   Or "Hmmmm, it's too bad that you didn't pray hard enough, or get more people to pray.  Now I'm not going to let him live."

The God I believe is is not an egocentric, punitive God.  He is a God who loves me so much that He uses the horrible to do something good.  He loves me so much that He continues to bless me.  I may not see the blessings every day, but that doesn't mean they're not there.  They are.  Always.

So enough of what I believe and don't believe.

Here's what I know:  I have met the most amazing people in my "after".  The women who are on this path next to me are incredible.  It's difficult to explain to the people who are not on this path.  And I pray that you never have to get on it.  But if you do, I hope that I can walk beside you.  I hope that I can be just a fraction of the support that these women have been for me.

These are both women I've met and women I have yet to meet in person.  

My Circle of friends is such a healing group of women.  They get me.  They support me.  They listen to me without thinking I need serious psychological help.  I can say anything I feel ... and they get it.  I love being with them and miss them when we're don't get together.

And that goes for certain friends that I've "met", but haven't met.  The women who share their walk with me by encouraging me with their comments.  We've never met but we've connected.

They share their lives and their experiences on their blogs and with their comments.  They are a blessing to me.

Neo, thank you so much for calling me tonight to just check on me.  For being a concerned friend.  For giving me your time.  For caring.  

I appreciate you.  And can't wait to spend some time with you!!

     

And now it is after 11:30 at night and I can't keep my eyes 0pen.

Literally.

Have a good Thursday and thank you to those amazing women on this path who have commented.  

Good night.

Thank you .... yet again.

     So .... it's been very interesting to see the comments regarding friends. I guess we can all define "friend" in different ways. But I think we need to be careful when we're so stringent with our definition that we limit our blessings.

     I have many friends. Actually, too many to count. They are not acquaintances, they are not just people I wave to once in a while, they are true friends.

     My definition of a friend is someone I care about- a lot (so of course it's someone one I know). A friend is someone on whom I can call --- for anything -- and know that this person will help me, willingly and without keeping an account of how many times I've asked.

A friend is someone for whom I would do the same. A friend is someone I support and encourage and who does the same --- no matter how far apart we are, how many times a month we talk with each other, how much we share -- or don't share -- our feelings.

No. Matter.

     I have friends whom I don't get to see very often, but when we do see each other we pick right up. And if I ever needed anything, I could call these friends and they'd be there for me. They don't "require" huge investments of my time, deeds or stated feelings. They are my friends because we care about each other --- even with my shortcomings and lack of ability to emote unselfishly. They like me because I'm me.

     And now I need to thank many of these friends. Because they've done some great things for me lately.

     I had 2 wonderful friends go with me to visit Son #2, because they knew it would be a difficult weekend and wanted to be there for me.

     

     I had several friends come to my house after Ike hit and they trimmed my tree, removed it from the hole, patched the hole in my roof, raked my yard, cut up all of the huge branches all over my yard, stacked the new logs on my corner, bagged up every thing that had fallen ..... and put the bags on my corner. It was a lot of work on a Sunday afternoon. And my yard was full of people. People who knew I had a mess and that I was upset and who wanted to help. I didn't ask a single one of them to come ..... but they did.

     I have a friend who had a generator and so made coffee for me and my mom and brought it to us in the mornings.

     I had a friend come and rescue us in the middle of the storm Saturday morning and take my mom, my son and me to his house where we could enjoy light and the news with their generator.

  

     I had friends invite me over just so that I could leave the house and be distracted.

     I had friends who froze water (in what seemed to be all of their available containers (they had power) ) and brought it to me daily. She also made me chocolate chip muffins. And took some of my freezer stuff so that I wouldn't lose everything.

     I have friends from all over the country who called to check in on me and see if we were OK or if we needed anything. They also volunteered to let us stay with them.

     I have a friend who volunteered to bring me a generator --- from Oklahoma.

     I have friends who bought food, batteries, water, ice, coffee, etc. for me.

     I have friends who came over to help me celebrate Son #3's birthday when he was depressed that his dad wasn't here.

     I have friends who celebrated (and still do) with me when the power came back on.

     I could go on and on. I'm sure I'm leaving out hundreds of deeds and people.

I don't know what your many definitions of "friend" are. All I know is that I have more than one person should have.

And that God has blessed me abundantly with them.

And that I need them --- He knew I would need them --- and I hope that I can give back to them even a quarter of what they've given to me.

     Here are some pictures of a few of my friends (if I had carried my camera around more over the years I would have hundreds of these):

    

Feelings

   Jim with Daughter #2 and Son #2, Rome, Christmas 2005.

     The title of this post has nothing to do with the song, which I hate, except for the fact that it totally reminds me of Carol Burnett, as Eunice, in a "Family" sketch on her CBS show (man, those were the days .... CBS on Saturday night --- The Bob Newhart Show ("Hi Bob!"), The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and the Carol Burnett Show).... when Eunice went on "The Gong Show" and sang "Feelings" ---- the only time I liked that song.

But I digress .... 

     Tonight I had my first training session to be a Stephen Minister at our church.  I totally lack the energy to describe what that is at the moment so if you don't know, please feel free to google it.

      Anyway, we talked about feelings tonight and how important it is to validate them, in ourselves and in others, and to let them out.

Which made me think and really realize something about myself ...... I absolutely hate to talk about my feelings.  I mean .... really.  This may come as a surprise to those readers who don't really know me, since I seem to have no problem at all vomiting up my feelings here.  It's very easy for me to write about them here.  But I cannot do it easily face-to-face with anyone.  

I will usually turn the subject 180 degrees when someone asks me what I feel about something, how how I'm feeling or some equally emotionally-loaded question.

     I wonder why that is?

I think that sometimes it's a self-preservation move.  I mean, if I have to give one more second of thought to what's really going on in my life, I might just go over the edge.  So I'd much rather change the topic and be distracted.

     Here's a perfect example:

Back in November '01 (a year I always considered to be particularly "sucky" until I experienced the end of '07) Jim had a gun accident and lost an eye.  He was in the hospital for a few horrible days and I stayed with him the entire time .... I would not leave his room.  We were in Oklahoma at the time (it was Thanksgiving) and I had many, many phone calls.  Our pastor was out on the middle of nowhere, camping with his son for a few days,  so he could not be contacted until a day or so after the accident.  As soon as he found out he called me.  It was around 10:30 at night and the phone woke me up.  He, of course, sounded horrible since he had just found out and was upset and concerned about Jim and about me.  He asked me how I was doing and I said something like, "I'm OK.  So ..... how was your camping trip?"  I kid you not.

I think he was a little stunned and then let me know that he didn't want to talk about that, but about Jim ..... and me.   

I, of course, did not.  I wanted to talk about something completely different.

     I've always hated those "therapy" questions .... you know, like "So how did that make you feel?" or "So what you're saying is .....".   

Jim and I went to several marriage seminars or classes through our churches over the years.  He always found great humor in saying, "So how does that make you feel?" or mirroring back something I just said.  A lot of humor.

I'm not saying those questions don't work or that mirroring doesn't work .... it just doesn't work for me.   I immediately pull back and inward.

Still wondering why that is?

My mother reads this blog so I evidently can't blame it on anything in my childhood (although I'm sure she scarred and wounded me at least once!).

My dad reads it, too, so I can't list anything on that end, either.

Dang .... so much for blog therapy.

A penny for your thoughts.

UPDATE ON "FEELINGS"

This is what I get when I bring this crap up ---

it's 1 a.m. and I cannot sleep.  I was almost asleep and then, BAM!!!  my gut was hit by something really hard and I couldn't stop crying.  And missing him.  

Some moments I just think, "What the hell?  This life has made me way too tired."

Way.  I'd give anything to have him back.  Any-thing.

Sigh.

A nickel for your thoughts now.

Happy, Happy Birthday, CB!

            UPDATE AT 7:30 p.m.:

                     WE HAVE POWER AND JUST GOT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!         The washer is going and the vacuum is getting ready to get plugged in!!!!  ALLELUIA!!!      

    Fourteen years ago today ---- we got a great surprise!

      Well, Jim got a surprise ..... I knew all along it was a boy, but didn't let on.  He wanted to be surprised.

     I'm not sure why ..... he was surprised speechless when I told him we were having a 6th.

Literally.  For about a month or two.  I would've thought that would've been a big enough surprise to last several years.  

  

   God definitely was in charge and knew what He was doing and how much I would need this Son.  

So much.

Happy Birthday, CB.  Dad and I love you very much and are BOTH so very proud of you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

oooooooooooooo

A good day at the lake

Jim and Son #2, at Disney World -- note the matching shirts.  Gotta love it.
Son #2's self-photo with Gabby.  She looks so much bigger and it's only 4 days later!

     All is calm here at the lake.  J and her sister's family came to visit for the day.  We hung out and visited and went out on the boat.  Her daughter, brother-in-law and niece went out on the jet skis with Son #2.  It was a good day on the lake.

     Tonight we went out for barbeque with Mom and D.  It was very good.  

Tomorrow K and her kids are coming to hang for the weekend.  Gabby will have a blast.

     It's good to be here but it's also difficult.  He should be here with us.  He should be driving the boat.  He should be puttering around the house.  He should have had a lot more time to enjoy this place.  A lot.

     But he didn't.  So we put one foot in front of the other and take one breath at a time.

And enjoy the good days.

Whenever and wherever they come.  

Olympic fever

     Today was a busy day.  I played tennis this morning and then went shopping with the decorator for lights, knobs, sinks, fixtures.  I had no idea how many knobs are out there.  It's ridiculous!  It made my head spin.  And as for sinks .... don't get me started.

     They put my dishwasher in this morning!  Yay!  Oh, and good news that I forgot to tell you about --- someone dumped shrimp down my garbage disposal last week.  The new disposal.  The new disposal that was not yet connected to power.  You got it ..... gag a maggot, as we used to say in junior high (boy, THAT dates me .... junior high!  Are there any more junior highs left?  My kids all went to the much more politically correct, "middle school").  Anyway, I texted my decorator last night and begged her to make sure the disposal was connected this morning because the shrimp stench was killing me.  

From what I later heard, it didn't do much for the plumber, either.  Hmmmmm, guess that's what he gets for not connecting it when he put it in!

     Gabby and I went to dinner at my friend J's house.  It was Dr. J's birthday and her sister, brother-in-law and niece drove down today from Oklahoma.  Her niece could be a sister to my 2 nieces, K2 and M2.  It made me miss them.  Needless to say, a very cute girl.  :)

     Gabby was great.  Very calm and laid back.  It's so strange how quickly she has become a much-loved and important part of our family.  I can't explain it.  I know many, many people don't "get it", but neither would I ..... "before".  In my "after", it makes perfect sense, but mainly only to me.  And that's OK.

     I am loving catching the Olympics when I can.  And can I just say ..... the swimming .... last night?!!!!!  So much for the trash-talking French guy!!  HA!!!!!!!  En votre facade!!!

     Tomorrow I go to work for the first time in a few months.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and being there.  Mostly.

     And tomorrow night is my weekly dinner with my new circle of friends.  I call it the "Circle".  There will be 2 new women there tomorrow.  I look forward to meeting them and enlarging our circle.

     I'm planning on escaping to the lake this week.  I have 2 aunts, an uncle, a cousin and his wife coming on Friday.  I'm looking forward to seeing them and having them visit, along with my mom and D.  Our family is crazy and we have a blast whenever we're together.  

     OK, that's enough for now.  I hope most of you took the time to watch the Steven Curtis Chapman clip.  What a great family.  They love God and they love each other .... above all else.

They know what's important.  And what's not.

Got to go --- the dog's eating gravel.  I think that's probably a bad thing?

:)

What I believe ....

 ..... is this:
http://abcnews.go.com/search?searchtext=Chapman&type=

     This is an interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family after the death of their 5 year old daughter/sister, Maria, this past May.

I could not explain better how I have my faith and yet have questions and real human feelings.

P.S.  The cats hate the dog.  Well, George and Rigby hate the dog.  Colby seems to be saying, "Whatever." and puts up with her presence.    The dog loves the cats.  The cats stalk the dog.  The dog wants to play with the cats.  Rigby has been pouting since Friday night and won't come near me.  

Gabby is great .... mess and all.  I can't explain it.  Either you get it or you don't.  And either way it's OK.

Bandages and wounds

This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day, 2006.  I think it was the last whole family picture we took.  That makes me sadder than I can say.

     Well,  we did not blow away.  I hate to be the one who says, "I told you so." but ...... wait, who the heck am I kidding?!!  I LOVE to be the one who says that!!!  Ha to all of the panicking people out there!

     We did absolutely nothing today.  It rained all day and I stayed in my jammies until 4:00.  

Yay for tropical storms that just peter out during the day.

     Tonight I went to dinner with my new group of friends.  There were 4 of us and next week there may be more.  Four women who like each other's company and are all members of the same sucky club.  We hate this club.  We like each other very much.

  R came, of course.  This was our 3rd time together.  S came with me, this was her first time. And then K came.  She's brand new.  To us and to this sucky club.  Her husband died 3 weeks ago.  She's 28.  Twenty-freaking-eight.  sigh

     We talked a lot.  We listened a lot.  I am so glad we have found each other.  We hate that we had to find each other but we're glad that we did.  Hard to explain .... unless you're a member.  I hope you never become a member.

    

      I know this is getting redundant, but I miss Jim.  It never goes away.  It never gets better.  My outside looks great, though.  I bet there are quite a few people who look at me and think, "She seems to be doing pretty well."   Well, that and about $20,000 (back in the 80's) would get you a BA in Theatre.  As they used to say on SNL in the "old days", "ACTING!!!"

     This is not to say that my life sucks.  It does not.  I have my children and they are healthy.  They all love God and they are ALL great kids.  I am so thankful that God loaned them to Jim and I.  I hope we've mostly done Him proud.

     I have a home (granted, it looks like it's been through parts of WWII, but it's a great home).  I have wonderful family members --- lots of them, and they love me.   I have lots of wonderful friends.  Lots.  More than one person should have, I think. 

     I had the most wonderful husband in the world .... for a long time.  Not long enough, but it will have to do.  He was not perfect .... not at all.  But he was a good man.  He was a great father and a wonderful husband.  His love will last me for the rest of my life.  It has to.

     I have a God who is The God.  He walks me through this valley..... sometimes He carries me.

     So I am aware of the blessings in my life.  There are more than I can list.  But I am also aware of the gaping wound in me ..... the hole in my life.  The wound that will never heal.  Never.  I may learn to bandage it better, to camouflage it with makeup, but it will never heal.  

We all have our wounds.

Some have better bandages than others.

I Still Miss You

I Still Miss You 

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this
[I Still Miss You Lyrics Lyrics on http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

-Keith Anderson

Thank you, R!

Healing Rain

Healing Rain

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

-Michael W. Smith

God MUST be bored!

This picture is from my sorority formal our senior year.  We had the world by the tail.  Mainly because, we had each other (that's why we could act stupid for pictures -- we didn't have to impress anyone else!).

     OK, so ...... REALLY???????  Have YOU nothing else to do up there???  Was today such a quiet day that You figured, "Hey, all's quiet over in Iraq at the moment, there's no hurricane brewing any where, the heat in the central and western part of the U.S. is about as high as it's going to get, hell's  not freezing over at the moment ...... let Us just go and poke about in txmomx6's life for a moment.  She hasn't had anything happen in ..... oh ...... 6 days or so.  C'mon .... the CT scan ... that was nothing!!  Let's REALLY freak her out!".

     Yes, be it blasphemous or not (and I choose "not"), that's the speech I imagine happened earlier tonight.  

   Right about the time I was finishing up my lovely dinner with R and we were sharing our feelings about being on this "road" together ..... my phone rings:

Me:  "Hello?"---- because, even though I see it's from "home" so it's one of the boys, I don't want to appear impolite in front of my new friend and say "WHAT?!!!  I'm having a nice dinner.  I've told you not to call unless there's fire or blood!!!"

Son #1:  "Ummmmmm, there's a bat in the house."  And let me just add that he seemed a lot calmer than he should have.

Me:  "I'm sorry .... what did you just say?!"

Son #1:  "There's a bat in the girls' room."  --- still very calm

Me:  "WHAT???  A BAT IN THE HOUSE????"  and pretty much not so calm -- no telling how many people in the restaurant heard that

Son #1:  "Yes.  In the girls' room."

Me:  "How do you know?!  Did you SEE it??!"

Son #1:  "Yes."  --- OK, can I just say that sometimes he is so freaking much like his father that I want to punch something?!  Why do I have to DRAG out information?!!!

Me:  "How did you find it???  What made you go up there and look?????"

Him:  "I was watching TV downstairs in the living room and I heard a really loud squeaking noise.  So I followed the noise up the stairs and into their room."

Me:  "Was it on the ceiling?"

Him:  "No, it was on the floor, next to their closet, flapping it's wings.  It's pretty small --- about the size of my hand."  ---- another question...... do you think it really matters what size the stinking bat is????  I don't care if it's as big as a doberman or as small as a butterfly --- it's still a BAT and it's still IN MY HOUSE!!!

Me:  "How do you think it go in?!!!"

Him:  "I don't know."

This is where his knowledge of the bat population failed him.  Trust me though, it totally came back later.  I instructed him to call JD and have him come up.  I then called another friend, who I knew was out and about, and she and her husband drove over.  I needed some men.  I didn't know what they could do.... I just know that I needed some men.

     So we paid the bill and I hurried home to find my friend and her husband and her eldest son at my home.  JD was not far behind.  Son #1 was now totally clothed with no part of his body showing, except his head.  And he was carrying ---- the pool net.  He was loaded for bear .... or bat.

     We all went up to the bedroom.  THE bedroom.  The bedroom that I cannot bring myself to show people (except my mom a couple of weeks ago .... I thought she'd faint).  The bedroom that will totally expose me as the biggest failure in motherhood there is.  The nuclear waste that is the "girls' room".  If that dang bat hadn't been up there I'd be totally humiliated and probably comatose with shame right now.  But there was a bat to hunt.

Only ..... the bat was nowhere to be seen.  Trust me .... that bat, and it's whole entire family (I'm talking cousins, great grandparents, etc.) could hide in that room for a month and we'd never find them).  I was only hoping it didn't come there to die ..... which wouldn't surprise me.  Elephants do that, right?  Go to the elephant dying grounds to die.  I would not be surprised if there were hundreds of bat carcasses in that room already.

Anyway ..... where was I?  Oh yes ..... we couldn't find the bat.  The guys even stayed in the bedroom with the lights off  ----yes, the guys --- the gals, --- i.e. the more intelligent sex,  stayed outside to listen to the squeaking and screaming.  Alas, there were none.

It was decided to open the window and stuff a towel under the door and leave the room for the night.  I'm not sure if that was to let the rest of the family in or to let the one poor lost soul (and maybe sick and rabid) out of the house.  I was not crazy about that idea ... especially since I didn't know HOW the thing got into that room!

     So we were starting to come down the stairs when Son #1, who had already gone downstairs yelled, "Quick!!!  Bring me the net!!!!!"  So we ran down the stairs and the cats had a bat cornered in the laundry room!  It took 3 males to get that bat into the net.  Then they took it outside and debated on letting it go or keeping it so I could call animal control to come get it and test it.  The latter choice won, and then 2 males tried to get the bat out of the net and into a garbage bag.  That went on for a while before this result was decided upon:

Yep, it's a bat in a net in a bag --- taped up.  I personally think the bat could easily claw his way out of there, but then I'm just a poor weak female who might faint at the sight of a bat.  Whatever.

     So here is the current debate --- was this THE bat or is there a community of bats hanging in my rafters or walls or whatever?!  Personally, my vote goes for the lone-bat theory.  I also think he (or she --- I'm not sexist) is probably sick and rabid.  Healthy bats do not lay on bedroom floors flapping their wings.  They fly ---- outside.

     But the new bat expert here (a.k.a Son #1) thinks it wasn't acting alone.  What the heck does he care?  He can fall alseep in less than 60 seconds and be dead to the world for the rest of the night.  HE won't be the one listening for every squeak and creak all night long!!!  He really does need a good smack one of these days.

So there you go ---- my evening.  Don't you wish you were here?   And don't you agree that God MUST be bored up there?!!  Really??