Ask Me Wednesday

---- I'm actually rolling up my sleeves as I start to type this!

OK --- and here we go:

anonymous said...
Are all your children coming home for Thanksgiving? Including daughter #1? What will you prepare in your new kitchen? What are you thankful for?

Wow, anon .... you ask a lot of questions!  :)

Yes, all of the kids are coming home .... yay!  Son #2 comes home in 2 days.  Son #1 and Daughters #2 & #3 come home on Tuesday and Daughter #1 comes home on Wednesday.  Thanksgiving day is her birthday so we will have an extra reason to enjoy being together.

As for what I will prepare ...... I have ordered a deep-fried canjun turkey (can't wait!) so we will do the sides.  My mom will make her delicious pies.  I will be doing mashed potatoes, a wonderful green bean recipe Daughter #1 and I made last year, stuffing ...... that should do it.  Oh, and the traditional Mac & Cheese.  Traditional for my family anyway.

And what am I thankful for?

Oh, so many things.  For my God.  For my children, my family, my friends, our health.

And for having had Jim for almost 27 years.  And all that that entails.

monike said...

HAHA! I knew I was going to love C from the moment I saw him for a reason. That's something more diabolical than I could have ever thought of, but you have to give him credit.

PS. Is K closest to you and L on her left in the picture? I am trying to hone my twin-telling-apart skills.

PPS. Judging by your current appearance and the picture of you that you have there, here's to praying that I age as well as you do. What a hottie! :)

First I have to tell everyone that Monike is my daughters' room mate, so she's a bit biased.  And I also call her Daughter #4.  And she can't see all that well.

Anyway, yes, Daughter #2 is closest to me.  Good twin-telling-apart skills!!!!  Kudos, Daughter #4!

My Mom asks:
Do you need any moral support on Friday?  Let us know if you do.  We'll be glad to come in.

I will need all of the moral support I can get, but don't worry about coming down.  Maybe we'll have some good bonding time.  Here's hoping anyway.

And thank you.

nat said...
My question for this Wednesday is pretty deep. I liked what you had to say in an earlier post about "The Shack" and your closeness to God at this point in your life and your words really touched me. You spoke about being with God all day long and feeling his presence in your life daily and throughout your day. I have always had a tough time with my prayer life. I can do devotions and read the Bible and gain more knowledge from these things but when it comes to prayer, mine always seem very repetitive. We pray as a family before our meals and when I pray on my own I seem to ask God for healing and comfort for other people and thank him for all that he blesses me with but I feel I need to pray on a much deeper level. Thoughts? You said to dig deep-is this deep enough?

OK, Nat .... I'm rolling up my sleeves again!  

     I think that we often times make our relationship with God too difficult.  

We do.  

He doesn't.

     We have certain expectations of what our prayer life and quiet time should "look like". 

 We do.

He doesn't.

     My expectations "before" were very different.  In every aspect of my life, but especially this one.

Jim's death changed my entire life.  All of it.  Every corner.

I would like to think it could've changed without that, but I don't know.  And it doesn't do any good to think about it.

But I hope that it doesn't take anything as drastic as that for those I love.

     The main difference in my relationship with God/Christ is that those expectations are gone.

I don't think I have to sit down with my Bible for a certain amount of time.  I don't think I have to sit and pray a certain way.

But mostly, I don't beat myself up anymore for not meeting my expectations.  

Mine.  

Not His.

     I talk to Him all day.  I don't pray "formally" .... unless before a meal, really or with a group of people.  But I talk to Him throughout the day .... as if He were standing next to me.  

And He is.  

     I talk to Him as I would a friend who is standing next to me.  I talked to Him today while having my teeth cleaned!  I talk to Him in the car.  I talk to Him while I'm getting ready in the mornings.  I just talk.

     I don't sit down every day and have my "devotion/quiet time".  And guess what?  He's great with that.  

And now, so am I.

So I guess my thoughts for you are, "Maybe you're looking too deep.  Maybe you should try just having a conversation with Him.  OK, this will sound really stupid and not very "religious", but it's kind of like the way you should talk to someone who's in a coma.  Stop laughing.  Really.  You should talk to them, a lot.  Tell them about your day, what's going on around them, what you think about things, etc.  Right?  It's like a one-sided conversation.  But the other person/God can hear you.  You just can't hear what He is thinking.  So you just talk."

There.  Those are my thoughts.

I hope I was able to explain it a bit clearer than I think I did!

anonymous said...
Did you ever want to tell your kids "That's it. Nobody is going to do anything but school. I'm tired of spending all evening as a taxi driver"? My kids only do one activity each and I'm driving 6 days a week.

Oh my goodness, YES!!  In fact, I did do that one year.  We were about 3 months into the school year and I was in the car every day.  I wasn't getting home in time to get a good dinner on the table.  I was headed for a nervous breakdown.  Seriously.  So I finally told Jim that I couldn't do it any more.  I was not the "supermom" that I wanted to be.  I felt like a failure.  He was behind me all the way.  He had seen how much stress I was under (as well as the lack of dinner!).  He knew that I wasn't a failure but that our schedule was just too much.

The hardest job was telling the kids.  I cried.  I told them that I was sorry but I just couldn't do it anymore.  And that it wasn't fair to them that were 6 of them, but that's the way it was.

They were wonderful.  Kids usually are when you're up front with them.  So we pared down the activities .... by a lot.  

And I did not have a nervous breakdown.

Not then anyway.

Good luck!

your sister said...
Ok, my questions for you is really coming from Kristine. Taylor is wantiing to wear make-up and I told her that she had to wait unitl she was 12 but only then could she wear light eye make-up and a little mascara but very light. I think Kris disagrees with me on this. What are your thoughts and when did you start letting my lovely nieces start wearing make-up??? Love you!

Well, my darling sister, the girls started wearing makeup when they went into middle school, 6th grade.  And it was also light.  I think it's still pretty light, but then, so is mine.

I think a lot of girls start in 4th or 5th, but we didn't.  They need to be little girls for a bit longer than our society thinks, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...
help! how do I help my children become responsible spenders???My son (whom I love, but not so much today) just spent his book fair money on a book on how to cheat on electronic games (gameboy, psp, etc.), none of which he owns because "someday I might" ...meanwhile he's been trying to save up to buy himself a nintendo ds but now has that much less money to make the purchase. I'm trying to let them have freedom to spend their money however they want, but am totally frustrated with their choices. susan

Oh, Susan, I wish I had the magic answer for this.  I have a few children who will hold on to their money until the day they die and it has to pried out of their hands.  Then I have a few who will spend it as soon as they have it.  There is no magic pill or answer for this question.  Either they are savers or they aren't.  And M probably isn't.  I am guessing that my "spenders" will discover, once they are on their own, that Jim and I really knew what we were talking about.  If not, they will be in debt and will have to figure it out.  

I try not to control their spending, so I think you're doing well on this part.  All you can do is remind them why they are saving their money, and bemoan with them when they can't buy what they want because they spent part of it earlier.  

Sometimes it helps if they have a sibling who doesn't do this and so can save up to buy something really great.  Is B like that?

All you can do is remind them that they want to save up to get "whatever" .... if they choose to buy some little crappy thing, then the consequence is that they can't buy the bigger "whatever".  I firmly believe in consequences, and will not bail them out to accomplish their goal.  

Stay strong.  You're doing the right thing, even if M isn't learning the lesson .... yet.  Be prepared that this may be a life-long lesson for him.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  

Melanie asked me about Gabby's leg:

She seems to be doing a bit better.  She's not limping as much, though it's still there.  So I hope that whatever it is it's now healing.  And thanks for the positive words about getting two.  I keep going back and forth and wonder if I can handle it.  I think Gabby definitely needs a playmate and I certainly love her temperament and how good she is.  I wonder if 2 will be too much for me.  

Oh well, at least I have a little time to decide!  Good luck on getting A to agree to another one!  I'm glad that Huck is doing so well!!

OK, I think that's it for the Q & A.  Kudos to all of you who put forth such good questions.  I am enjoying the "Ask Me Wednesdays".  I hope you are, too.

Until tomorrow .......

The Dish guy made me cry (and more Q & A)

Yes, the Dish guy did indeed make me cry today.  This was the 3rd or 4th time in less than a month that I've called Dish.  The first time was because I needed one of the receivers switched out for an HD for the new TV.  The second time was because when the first guy came out he told me I already had an HD receiver.  He proved to be wrong.  

The 2nd guy came out to, again, switch to an HD receiver.  He came quite late in the day, took one look around, and informed me that my house was not able to get HD from the satellite.  And then he left.  I think he just wanted to go home.

The next guy came out after I called for a 2nd opinion.  He gave me an HD receiver and, surprise to no one, I get HD.  

Today I called them to upgrade to the HD package that INCLUDES ESPN.  Can you believe it?  I have to pay extra so that my football-loving son #3 can watch ESPN in HD.  He shall pay the difference.

Anyway, every -- single -- time that I called DISH, this was the first question they asked me, "Did you know that your husband's name is on the account so he has to authorize this?"

I informed DISH person #1 that my husband had died.  She was very sorry.  Here's the conversation that ensued:

Her: " I'm so sorry for your loss." (note to readers:  I have realized, over the past 10 months, that this is the standard line for any person to whom you pay money.  It must be something they include during the training week).

Me:  "Thank you.  As you can see, he's not here now to authorize anything .... besides, I'm the one who started this DISH account and I'm the one who's had things changed "before" .... ALWAYS without someone asking me to have my husband authorize things."

Her:  "Well, you must have put the account in his name, so he's the one in charge."

Me:  "Well, it's a bit hard for him to be in charge now."

Her:  "Yes, ma'am, I understand."

Me:  "So I guess I need to have his name removed from the account and mine put on?"

Her:  "We can't do that."

Me:  "What?!"

Her:  "We can't change names on accounts."

Me:  "Even though he's DEAD?!"

Her:  "Yes, Ma'am."

Me:  ..... after a very long pause .... "Sooooooo, what do I do to get my name on this account?"

Her:  "Well, we can change the name on the billing, but we can't change the name on the account.  If you want it to be in your name then you need to close this account and open a new one."

Me:  "Are you kidding?  Rather than just delete a name on your computer, it would be easier for you to open a new account?!"

Her:  "Yes, ma'am.  That's how we do it."

Me:  "Never mind.  Just put the billing in my name.  But please do me a favor and put a note on the account that he's no longer living, so he can't authorize anything, OK?"

Her:  "Yes, ma'am, I can do that."

And so the next time I called .... the same thing happened.

And the next time.

And the next time.

Late today I called to ask about the upgrade.  The DISH guy said, "Can I get your husband to authorize this please?"

Well, he was the DISH person to break the camel's back ..... poor, unsuspecting man.

Me:  "NO, you canNOT get him to authorize this because he's been DEAD for almost a year!!  This is the 4th time I've called you people and you're supposed to know NOT to ask me about my husband!!!  Is there any way to get this taken care of so I don't have to discuss my husband with you anymore?!" ---- and all of this was said through tears.

Him:  "Ummmmm, well, ma'am ............."

Me:  "I have made quite a few changes to our account, several in the past month, so I'M the one who as the authority on this account.  He canNOT!"

Him:  "Well, ma'am .... it's his name on the account."

Me:  "Yes, I know that.  That's because your company won't change the name when someone dies and I didn't want to go through the trouble of opening a brand new account.  I just want someone to make a note on my file or whatever that says, "STOP asking her about her deceased husband!"

Him:  "Yes, ma'am, I see that you have made some changes to the account.  I guess I can go ahead and change this."

And so he did.  And when he was done he asked:

"Have I done everything to your satisfaction, ma'am?"

Me:  "Can you please put a note on my account so that this doesn't happen again?"

Him:  "Ummmm, I don't think I can, ma'am."

Me:  "Really?  So I just have to go through this every time I call?"

Him:  "I guess so."

I might add that he never once said, "I'm sorry for your loss" .... or "I'm sorry for ........" anything.

I can't believe the DISH guy made me cry.  

He probably can't, either.

I had a couple of questions today.  It seems as if the parenting questions are quite popular!

My sister asked another question (a REAL one this time):
I wish I could be more like you! I feel since I am a stay at home mom that it's my duty to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, get the kids up and so on. Am I wrong to feel it's my responsiblity? If so HELP!!!!!!!


D --
I would not say that you're wrong, I'd say that you're most likely normal but falling into the SAHM trap.
Look at it this way ... if you are the only one doing everything ... what are you teaching them? Will they know how to clean, cook, do laundry, etc? It's not your job to be their slave. That is not the role for us as mothers. It's to train them how to do it so that they can be independent, successful adults. Successful, as in being adept at whatever it is they choose to do. If we don't allow them to be responsible and adept around the home, how can we expect they'll just know how to "do it" when they leave?
They can always blame you for NOT teaching them how to do things, but they can't do anything but thank you when you have.

L asks:
If its not too late I have a question from one of the mom's at S's pre school. They have 3 boys......4 1/2, 3 and 10 mos. Yes...they have been busy! Well, son # 1 has always been a good sleeper but son # 2 keeps getting up at 4 - 5 AM and won't go back to sleep. He makes so much noise if they ignore him that he ends up waking the baby and then son # 1 and....then everyone is up. She is exhausted and nothing seems to work. They have even checked their sprinklers to make sure they aren't going off too early. Did you ever have this problem?
L
P.S. I love the parenting tips....we need ALL the help we can get!

Thanks, L.

No, I never had this problem.  God gave each of my children the innate knowledge that Mommy needs her sleep.  Truly .... that's the only way I can account for it. They instinctively knew that if Mommy gets up too early, everyone has a bad day.

When they were old enough to get up quietly on their own .... around 3 or 4, they just went into the living room and turned on Sesame Street.  

This is one area where I'd try the positive reinforcements.  Maybe he gets a sticker for every morning that he stays quietly in his room.  I wouldn't force him to stay in bed, but let him read or play quietly.  Leave him a few books by his bed or a quiet toy, or crayons and paper.  Even a DVD player with headphones might work.  Tell him that he can be awake but he can, under no circumstances, wake up anyone in the house.  Then, as he collects the stickers, give him a reward.  I would start with only 1 or 2 stickers and then extend it over time.  At 3 it would be great if he could do this for 1 morning.  And then 2, etc.

If this doesn't work (and hopefully it will) then I'd try taking away something that he enjoys during the day.  If he always watches a certain TV show I'd tell him that morning, at 5:00 a.m. or whatever ungodly time he awakes, that if he can't stay quietly in his room he can't watch that show later in the day.  Or he can't play with a certain toy or do a certain activity.  Whatever will get his attention and make him think.  But he has to know this ahead of time, too.  Tell him the night before what the consequences will be so that he'll know.  Always let them know ahead of time what the consequences will be.

I have to tell you that I love answering parenting questions.  I wish I had known someone when my children were young who had told me, "Sometimes this motherhood thing is very, very difficult.  Sometimes you will NOT like it.  Heck, sometimes you will NOT like your children!  You'll always love them, but you won't always like them.  And THAT'S OK!!  It's totally normal and it does NOT mean that you are a bad mom.  It means that you're just like every other mom.  Even the ones who pretend to always love it."

This is not to say that I haven't loved it.  I have and I wouldn't trade being a mom, or any of my children (though I'd have to really think about it) for anything.  My children are part of Jim ..... the best parts.  When I see them, I see him.  

OK, I'm crying again.

It must be all of the talk about the DISH guy.

P.S.  George has been in the vet hospital since Monday.  He seems to be a bit better but we still aren't sure what's wrong with him.  He's still sick and they're still running tests.  And so I may be about to have a dilemma ..... how much is a pet worth?  A horrible question for many people, but a very realistic one, I think.

If I could know that, in the end, he will be OK then I can put up with a lot.  But if this continues for a long time with no certainty of how it will end ........

I know ..... I'm a mean mom and a horrible pet owner.  But .... a realistic one.

I have lost a husband ..... need I say more?