Too Sad to Be Happy ....

.... even though it was a good day.
Especially for V and G.

G was able to eat regular food tonight.
He was able to take a shower.
And best of all, they removed his cath.

Needless to say, there are many smiles in that hospital room in St. Louis.

And I was smiling with/for them .... up until about 20 minutes ago.
That was when my friend S, who's been at M.D. Anderson this past week, texted me.
The friend who is responsible for getting Jim and me together.
The friend whom I still picture as the lovely, fun roomate in college.
The friend who started the path to motherhood before me and was a wonderful example to follow.

And now I am in tears.
My heart is breaking all over again.

She is returning home to Oklahoma tomorrow.
There is nothing that they can do for her here.
She is too weak to have any more treatment.
She is going home on palliative care and hospice.

We continued to text as I cried and asked questions.

I am still crying.
This sucks too much.
Too, too much.

They are controlling her pain.
They think she will be here for 2 to 4 months.
She says she will try to stay longer.

She says that her children are devastated, but they are strong and will be ok.
She is less sure about her mother and her husband.
And I get that.

I told her that her husband is stronger than he thinks he is and that he will one day be ok.
Not for a while.
But one day.

As we texted back and forth, I asked her for a favor.
She said, "Sure."

I asked her if she'd keep an eye on Jim for me .... and tell him that I love him.
Even though I could hardly see the keyboard on my phone.

She replied that she had hoped that's what I was going to ask.
She said that she would be thrilled to remind him, even though he already knows.

T.
A.
N.
More
W.

Except please, please pray for her .... and for him.
And for their family.

Just When You Thought You Were Having Fun ....

.... life comes and smacks you right between the eyes.
And it hurts.

Camp Widow was great. And fun.
And hard. And sad.
And emotional. And physical.
And .... wonderful.

It is an amazing experience to be amongst almost 300 people who understand.
And as amazing as that feels,, it sucks for them.
I love so many of these men and women. It breaks my heart that they have a reason to be in the same room with me, let alone the same hotel .... and conference.

The group of us that have been to all three CWs are a tight-knit bunch. And yet it was wonderful to meet other friends for the first time IRL*.
And wonderful to make brand new friends.

But it was horrible to find out that many of these new friends have been widowed for less than a year.
Much less.
One amazing person was only one month "out".**
There was no way I would've been capable of attending anything, let alone flying across the country to join 300 widows/ers for a weekend.

I had the blessing of meeting a lot of the new "campers" when I co-led the "First Time Campers" workshop. We had a lot of fun, which I think many of them found surprising. We laughed.
We laughed a lot.
I think some of them had not laughed that much in a very long time.
They blessed me.

I slept very little over the weekend, so I felt exhausted a lot of the time, and I only worked a fraction of what the other board members worked.
But by the middle of the afternoon on Saturday, I needed a break.
Desperately.
Or I knew the dam would burst.

And so I left the hotel and walked along the pier for an hour or so. By myself.
I've always been part introvert, so I have always needed to find some time to just "be". And that seems to occur more since Jim died. Probably because I'm alone much more than I'm with other people. Especially 275 or so people.

But the walk did a world of good and when I came back I found a group of friends out by the poolside bar. And we sat and talked.
And talked.
And talked.
Until it was time to go in and get all gussied up for the banquet.
I brought a beautiful red dress that Daughter #1 wore when she was in high school. I wonder if she'll ever find out?!

When I tried it on at home several weeks ago it took a bit of effort to get the back zipper up.
(Another sucky thing about being alone .... there's no one to help with zippers. Or, even worse, bracelets. I kid you not, one morning, not so long ago,  I was going through the McDonald's drive through and I asked the startled woman at the window if she'd clasp my bracelet for me and then stuck my arm out of my window .... and into hers.
She was very gracious.
And I am not proud.

Anyway, it took a whole lot longer to get that dang zipper zipped Saturday night.
But I triumphed over it .... finally, and put on a pair of the fiercest heels I've ever owned (I'll post pics later, but if you're on Facebook you'll be able to see the dress and the shoes.)
They were a hit. :)

And then it was all over. And we were hugging and saying our goodbyes on Sunday morning.

And then I came home.
To life.
The Sons were all fine and the house was in good shape.
Son #1 and I talked while I started the dreaded act of unpacking.
Then Son #2 came home and sat with us.
He was shortly followed by Son #3.
I was happy to see each of them.
I had missed them. A lot.

Then it was time to go to bed.
Since it was after midnight.
And so I did.
But as exhausted as I was, sleep did not come.
I finally gave up at 4:30 and took a sleep med to help.

And it did.
I slept until noon.
Which would have been really great, had I not forgotten that I was supposed to play tennis at 9:00 a.m. Meaning that I left 7 people in the lurch. I felt beyond horrible when I figured it out. I sent all 7 an apology email, asking for forgiveness. Three have answered to assure me that it was ok and to not worry about it. Which hopefully doesn't mean that the other four are too mad to email back.

After I sent that email I went to my Facebook page.
And saw I had a private message.
And that's when life slapped me.
Hard.
I found out that a dear friend, whom I love very much, is here in Houston.
At MD Anderson..
This friend is one of the reasons that Son #1 is named what he's named. She was responsible for setting Jim and me up for our first date.

She fought breast cancer very, very hard over 10 years ago.
And she beat it.
And remained cancer-free for enough years to be called "well".
Almost.
She was just months shy of that magical 10 year mark when she found out that it was back.
With a vengeance.
And that it would take her life, but hopefully that wouldn't be for some time.
This was a year or so after Jim died.

And now, she's here.
Fighting again.
And I cried when life slapped me with that.
Fortunately the friend who told me was also able to give me her cell number (thank you, H!). I emailed, texted and called, not knowing if she'd get the message at all, or if her husband would, or if it was too late to send a message.

A few hours later my cell phone beeped with a text message.
From her.
And I cried again ... with relief.
I had begged to come see her and she said yes. But I have to wait. She is going to have her lungs drained tonight, and is not able to talk.
She said she'd love to see me and will let me know when she's stable and can talk again.

I told her that I am praying.
And she said thank you .... and that she needs prayers, very badly.

And so I return to you, my Peeps, and beg you to join me in praying for her, her husband and their children.
I don't know if I'll be able to see her before I head to St. Louis for the transplant (I leave Wed and the surgeries will be on Thursday morning). But I hope to be able to see her after I get back on Saturday.

So I'm asking you for a lot of prayers this week.
For V, her son G and her husband R, as R's kidney is placed into his son's body.

And for my dear friend S, who's fighting for her life.

This all puts my achey joints at the bottom of any list. And makes me feel ashamed for even complaining about them and the lack of reief I'm getting from the new meds (which thankfully aren't making me sick at all).

I am blessed.
I love my children.
I love my family.
I love my friends, both old and new .... married and widowed.
And for each of you, who are not just Peeps, but are friends .... and loved ones.

Thank you, again.
And again and again.
You mean more to me than you will ever know.
You ... bless me.
Very, very much.

Thanks, Peeps, and happy Tuesday.
:)



*in real life
**the word "out" is used by widowed people to indicate how long ago their partner died. No one is ever told this,or taught it, it just seems to become part of your vocabulary when your widowed. Kind of strange, but interesting.

Stepping Out ....

.... and not too sure where I'll land.
Or if I'll crash.

Or really .... if I'll actually, really take that step.

I joined eHarmony.

And now I feel so .... unsure about it.

I tried before.  A couple of years ago.  But I never made it past the first stage.  Every time a "match" wanted to communicate, I backed off .... I closed the "match", which is a nice way of saying I didn't even let the guy get out of the box.  I ended something that really wasn't "something" because it never stood a chance.  Kind of like every guy I "dated" in college.  Until I met Jim.
I wasn't ready.

I felt ready this time.
And then the "matches" started coming.
And now my stomach is lurching.
And I'm very, very teary.

I am so tired of feeling teary,
Of crying.
Of ..... missing someone that I can't have.
Of ..... wishing he were here so that I wouldn't be looking on a stupid computer for something I once had, and never thought I'd lose.  At least .... not before the age of 90.

Life is full of .... surprises.
Sometimes too full.

I went to church tonight (we have worship services on Sundays and then the same service on the following Wednesday in the summer.  It's nice to able to go on Wednesdays if you were out of town or .... maybe, slept in, on Sunday).  We took prayer requests.  One woman requested prayer for the family of a woman who has lived a long life and will soon leave this world.  She was described as being ready to go, happy to be going where she knows she's going.
And I thought ..... "Yay for her."
Really.
I am happy for that woman.
And a bit .... jealous, I suppose.
I could also feel myself in her place .... being ready, and happy to be going.

Because that's how I feel now.
How I've felt since that horrible, horrible night.

No, I no longer want to rush and get there quickly by doing something to myself.
Nor do I wish for something final to happen to me, like say .... a bus slamming into me as I walk down a sidewalk.
I used to.
Oh, how I used to.
But so did every other widow in my Circle.
So I knew that I was not alone .... or crazy.
Only .... widowed.
Way too soon.

I'm not depressed to be here.
I am living and loving and finding joy.
Most of the time.

But I still feel that, when the time comes for me to leave this world and walk into the next one .... I will not be walking.
I will be flying.
And oh, so happy.
Beyond happy.
Joyful.

And really, I think that's great.

Because I don't just feel that way on "teary" days.
I feel it on good days.
Great days.

So back to where I rambled from .....
I feel teary.
Heck, I am teary.
I miss him.
Still.
Very much.
As ever.
Still.

And I'm sure my aching joints are not helping in any way, but are contributing to the teariness.
And the missing of him.

As is the search for someone new.
Someone nice.
Someone to spend a little time with.
Not a lot.
Just .... enough.

Someone to laugh with.
Someone to be with.
Someone to hold my hand.

But I guess the question is .... do I want that enough?
Or do I just sit and wait for Mr. Wonderful to just walk into my life all on his own?
Ummmmmm, that doesn't seem to be working, by the way.
So I decided to move forward .... to actually, make a move.

And now?
Now, I'm less sure.
But not so much that I'll quit.
Not yet.

I think, way down deep .... I want to at least open the box.

Happy Wednesday/Thursday, Peeps.
:)

Things That Made Me Cry .....

.... like this picture of Jim .... no longer make me cry.
Well, the majority of the time.
There are always "one of those days/weeks", but they are few and far between now.
Mostly.


This realization occurred to me this past weekend.  I was looking for a tote bag to use for my swim suit and towel and various other Fourth of July sundries.  I happened to choose the first one I saw.
It was a bag that Jim purchased on our last vacation.
The vacation we took with the boys to Alaska.
Not knowing, of course, that it would be .... our last.

So, I grabbed the tote, threw my stuff into it ... and then felt something in the inside pocket.  I wondered what could be in there and when I had last used it as I unzipped the pocket and looked inside.

And I discovered that I had not been the last one to use that tote.

I pulled out the items that Jim had left in the pocket and stared at them for a moment.
A highlighter, a couple of paper clips, a pen and some small stick-it notes that are used to note something on a page.

Just a few things .... things that would mean nothing to most people.
But I knew that Jim used to take reading materials with him almost everywhere we went.
He could usually be found sitting somewhere (even on a beach) with a stack of papers in one hand, a highlighter in the other, and a pen clenched in his teeth as he marked sections on a page.

And the picture of him doing just that entered my mind as I stared at those objects.

And I smiled.

It was shortly after that when I realized ..... the things that used to have the power to make me cry, to bring forth gut-wrenching pain and huge sobs of grief .....

.... now have the power to make me smile.

A Trip to the Doc ....

.... and a bit of a surprise.

I've had to keep the dressing on my shoulder since the surgery.  Until I went in to see my doctor.  Today.
He removed it, none too gently I might add.
Doctors.
Hmmmffff.

I was surprised to see that my shoulder looked like this:

And this:

I have three incisions.
I thought I would have one.
I thought wrong.

One in the front of my shoulder, one on the side and one in the back.
No wonder my shoulder hurts so much!!

Actually, other than the surprise of multiple holes in my body, they actually look pretty good.  Gross, but pretty good.

I go in next week to have the stitches removed and will then start physical therapy.
I.
Can.
Hardly.
Wait.

Really, though .... it hasn't been as bad as I had feared.  And, though it's still too early to tell for certain, I think that the pain I was experiencing before (and had been experiencing for the last 3 + years) may be gone.  It's difficult to tell the difference between that pain and the my-shoulder-has-been-cut-into-in-three-separate-places pain.

As I told you yesterday, I slept much better Saturday night.
And then yesterday I took my meds every 4 hours.  All day.
And I felt much better.
In fact, I felt so much better that I over did it.
Sigh.
I decided that I was going to wash my hair.
And then I decided to keep washing.
So I sort of took a semi-shower/sponge bath.  I couldn't take a full-fledged shower because I couldn't get the dressing wet.  If I did get it wet that meant an immediate trip to the ER.  Seriously.
So I semi-showered.
And shaved my legs.
Then dried my hair.
And did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen.
I was on a roll.

Look closely at my forehead if you get the chance.
I think it says S-T-U-P-I-D.

I woke up this morning around 6:30 ..... in a huge wave of pain.
It got me out of bed.  And looking for my meds.
I promptly took a pill and then went back to sleep.
Only to wake up 30 minutes later when my cat decided to crawl up on my shoulder and sit there.
I think I flew out of the bed.
As did he.
And then he went out the door, which was shut firmly behind him.
And I again returned to bed ... and to sleep.

I took it easy this morning, after I got out of bed for the last time.
But I didn't take any more pain pills.  I can't take those things and then drive a car.
Well, I don't know that for sure, but since I seem to lack any semblance of balance once I take one, I figured that driving a huge piece of machinery might not be a great idea.
So I remained drug-free so that I could drive to my appointment at 2:00.

After the appointment I decided that I needed to run an errand to Target.  And then spent about an hour there.  That was because I intended to have the pharmacy fill a prescription for me ..... and then forgot to do it.  Until I was done shopping.  Which meant that after I remembered and dropped it off .... I had to kill time shopping some more.
Needless to say, I left with quite a few things that were not on my list going in.
But that's OK .... because I do love me some Target.

After spending the last 3 days in my bedroom I decided to get a new comforter and curtains .... to lighten things up a bit.
Once I found a comforter I liked, I of course had to find a couple of pillows to match.
And then a rug or two.
And some colorful bins to keep me organized.

It was kind of my version of, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie".
Totally.
Now that I'm back in my room, on doctor/self imposed bed rest .... I'm much happier with the look.
Yes, it doesn't take much to make me happy these days.
Try being imprisoned in your bedroom and see how long it takes for you to decide that you want a new look.

By the time I got home tonight I was in dire need of pain meds.
And so I took them.
And things look rosy again.
:)

The doc said that I could make the trip this weekend to Louisville with Daughters 2 & 3.
Which was nice of him, but not really necessary.
I would've gone with .... or without .... his blessing.
I am SO looking forward to this weekend .... and sharing it with the Daughters.  Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer.  If you're not familiar with 2 amazing women you need to Google them.
And, to top it all off ..... I am going to meet a blog Peep/reader/friend.
I can hardly wait!
It's going to be a great weekend.
Especially if I don't forget to pack my meds.
:)

Well, my internet has gone out .... yet again.
Technology ...... love it/hate it ..... it's a very fine line, is it not?

So even though I started this post on Monday night ..... it looks like it may be sometime on Tuesday before I am able to post it.

Having said that .....

Happy Monday/Tuesday/Whenever Peeps!
:)

Healing Rain

Healing Rain

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

-Michael W. Smith