Too Sad to Be Happy ....

.... even though it was a good day.
Especially for V and G.

G was able to eat regular food tonight.
He was able to take a shower.
And best of all, they removed his cath.

Needless to say, there are many smiles in that hospital room in St. Louis.

And I was smiling with/for them .... up until about 20 minutes ago.
That was when my friend S, who's been at M.D. Anderson this past week, texted me.
The friend who is responsible for getting Jim and me together.
The friend whom I still picture as the lovely, fun roomate in college.
The friend who started the path to motherhood before me and was a wonderful example to follow.

And now I am in tears.
My heart is breaking all over again.

She is returning home to Oklahoma tomorrow.
There is nothing that they can do for her here.
She is too weak to have any more treatment.
She is going home on palliative care and hospice.

We continued to text as I cried and asked questions.

I am still crying.
This sucks too much.
Too, too much.

They are controlling her pain.
They think she will be here for 2 to 4 months.
She says she will try to stay longer.

She says that her children are devastated, but they are strong and will be ok.
She is less sure about her mother and her husband.
And I get that.

I told her that her husband is stronger than he thinks he is and that he will one day be ok.
Not for a while.
But one day.

As we texted back and forth, I asked her for a favor.
She said, "Sure."

I asked her if she'd keep an eye on Jim for me .... and tell him that I love him.
Even though I could hardly see the keyboard on my phone.

She replied that she had hoped that's what I was going to ask.
She said that she would be thrilled to remind him, even though he already knows.

T.
A.
N.
More
W.

Except please, please pray for her .... and for him.
And for their family.

Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

Fifty two times a day

     This picture is from April 2005, Jim's dad's 80th birthday.  This is his family -- his parents and his siblings.  

It's a great family.

     Before I get into the depressing part of this post (you've been warned -- turn back while you can.  I wish I could.) I thought I'd ask a question.  This is for all of you cat owners (or former cat owners) out there:  Is it just my cats or do they all poop FIFTY TWO TIMES A DAY??????  OK, so I exaggerate, it's really only 47.  But oh my gosh, what the heck is with that?!!!  I clean out that litter box AT LEAST 3 times a day (yes, if they poop 47 times then only 3 cleanings IS totally disgusting).  And here's the thing that tops that in their quest to drive me crazy (and no, I'm not paranoid ..... the kids have enlisted the cats in this quest!) ------ every single time I clean out that box (EVERY-SINGLE-TIME) they climb right in and poop.  EVERYSINGLETIME!!!!!

They hear me cleaning it, run in, sit and wait and almost before I can get out of the way they are in there taking a dump!!!  I know this is so crude, but I'm going nuts.  Now I clean it and just stand there with the bag and wait.  And then clean it again.  

So .... is it just my "not the brightest crayons in the box" cats, or do they all do that.

Oh, and another thing --- George is losing his hair.  He has a bald spot on his head and it seems to be getting bigger.  Ever heard of that?  Does this warrant a trip to the vet?  I have warned him that if he loses all of his hair he's out of here.  I cannot have a bald cat.  Especially one named after you-know-who.  That will NOT make me smile.

Yes, my love is conditional.  Just be glad you're not one of my kids.

    Now back on to the roller coaster of my life.  I may jump off of it on the next loop-de-loop.  My mother in law has continued to go down hill.  So we, as a family, spoke to her doctor on Wednesday and decided that we are going to let her go.  Which means that she will be sedated and the respirator turned off.  There were many phone calls to make and many questions to ask.  We had decided to set the date this weekend, which would give my brother in law, his family, and me time to get to Oklahoma "before".  

     Some have expressed disagreement with my decision to go.  But it's my decision.  I want to see her "before".  I want to talk to her and tell her how hard to hug Jim for me when she sees him.  I want to tell her that I'm so excited for her and for him.  I won't tell her how horribly jealous I am of her.  Horribly.  And then I want to be there until the "after".  I want to be with Jim's siblings and their dad.  I've done this before --- with a very good friend.  It's not the same, I know, but I want to do this.  And then I want to come home.  I do not plan to stay for the funeral.  I want to be there for her and for them and then leave.  There will be plenty of people after that.  Most of my children want to stay home .... and so they will.  Daughters #2 & #3 want to go, so we're trying to see how it works with their finals.  

     While we are trying to make sense of this and trying to make some kind of plans, God has thrown a kink into it (what a shock).  Last night one of her lungs collapsed.  So now we're not sure if we still have the time to "plan".  As I told someone recently, I know, better than most people, that my plans don't count for squat.  So we shall tentatively make plans, knowing that they could all blow up at any time.

     I'm leaving for Oklahoma on Monday, to get in at the same time as J & L & S.  I had planned to spend Mother's Day weekend (or really, avoid it) at the lake with the kids.  But now we're staying home, closer to the airport in case I need to leave earlier.

I have no return ticket.  

     I also decided to take a leave of absence from work.  I need to slow down and stop being too busy to think.  It's time to think.  And I only have a month left with Daughter #1 before she heads off so I want to spend as much time as possible with her.  

     And I just need to rest and not feel the need to "perform" or make decisions about things or other people.  

     I guess I just need to "be".  And be there for my kids ..... while we're all together.  

I plan on returning once everyone's back in school in August.  I hope they'll still have me.  I will miss the contact and smiles of the people with whom I work.  They are some of the best people I know and I love them.  But we tend to see less of each other over the summer anyway, so hopefully the timing is good.

     Let's see .... I think that's it.  I think that's enough.  Actually, it's been more than enough for a long time now.  

     I wish I could be someone else for a while.  I'm not sure who.  Maybe I'll look into having one of those "out of body experiences".  

   I wonder if I'd find that in the yellow pages?  Or Google?

I may or may not keep you posted.

Please send up lots and lots of prayers --- for all of us.

And thank you.

Not much has changed

I still want to die, sometimes pray for it (although God & I don't seem to be on the best of terms lately. My head knows He was there in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, my heart feels He turned his back on me and my pleas and I don't know why).
Please don't worry -- I'm not going to do anything stupid. What kind of person would do that to the now 6 most important people in their life? Again, these are just my honest feelings. I so want this pain to stop, to at least numb a bit. But it won't. And I so want to be with Jim, the person who's heart beat with mine; the person whom I still look for when I want to share something kind with him; the person who would have done anything possible to make sure I never had to hurt this much.
I have lost my heart.
My children have lost their father.  We each have lost something/someone different.  And the challenge will be to help them grieve as I grieve.  I don't know how to do this.
My friends have been wonderful. I can't thank them enough. I'll never be able to thank them enough. I can only wish that they hold their spouses tightly, never let a day go by without telling them how much they love them, and that they never, ever have to feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on the worst person in the world.
The kids and I have decided that we can't do Christmas this year. I'm not even sure about next year, but we'll take that when it comes. We're leaving in the morning for a week long cruise. My awesome friends and dozens of complete strangers worked for hours this week to make this possible. I don't expect that we'll enjoy the cruise, but I hope that we enjoy our time together and away from here. I know that I'm only postponing reality, but hopefully that will be a good thing.
Thank you to everyone for your support, your comments and most of all, your prayers. Please keep them coming because we are in desperate need of them.
The memorial service today was such an honor to Jim. He would have loved it, though he would have thought it was a bit over the top with the nice comments. But that was Jim. He never really knew what an awesome man he was to so many people.
I thank all of you who came. He would have loved visiting with you.
I hope and pray that some day a bit of humor will return to my heart and to this blog. I'm not so sure. But again, it's one minute at a time.

I want to die

I know that I won't, but I want to.
To all who have supported me and have enjoyed this blog --- I'm sorry to tell you that my best friend, the best gift God ever gave me, my loving, supportive, Godly husband, died last night. It was sudden and awful and over less than 24 hours after we knew something was wrong.
That's about all I can say. I want to go to sleep and never, ever wake up again.
But I have 6 awesome kids who need me more than ever. So I won't go to sleep forever, but I need to say that I FEEL like I want to. Very, very much.
I, we, need your prayers.
J.