Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

Moving forward

     This is another picture from my 40th birthday party.  Jim and a few wonderful friends.  I love these people.

     Today was a very yucky, rainy day.  So Daughter #1 and I stayed home and watched movies together (and did a bit of work, too).  It was nice.  I'm sorry to say that I missed a friend's birthday lunch (I'm sorry CT).  But I wasn't in the mood for a birthday lunch.  So, rather than go and paste on a smile, I decided to stay home with my daughter.  I think it was a good choice.

     I have decided to renovate the kitchen (the entire house, eventually).  Jim and I had decided to do that but we kept putting it off.  I am now ready.  I've chosen a decorator and she and Daughter #1 and I went granite shopping on Friday.  And appliance shopping.  It was good.  I'm looking forward to changing the kitchen and family room area this summer.  As soon as Son #1 graduates we are tearing things up.  

     My children are less enthused.  I can understand that they don't want things to change.  But I need for things to change.  I cannot keep them the way they were, because actually, things will never be the same again.  So I need change.  I need a new look.  I need something different.  And besides, they're all going to leave anyway.  I want to enjoy my home.

      So this gives me something to look forward to.  Something to hopefully make sure that I do wake up on the 28th, though there are no guarantees.  

     Son #3 washed my car yesterday.  He did an awesome job ---- inside and out.  It looks wonderful.

     Have I told you that I have great children?  Because I do ..... just in case you hadn't heard.

     So Son #1 has his senior prom in 2 weeks (I forgot to add his prom to the "event" list).  He has a tux .... yay!!!  But he has yet to order a corsage.  For those of you who have read this blog since September you know that he completely failed to order one for the winter formal.  And so was forced to buy one at twice the price --- on the DAY OF the dance.  So one would think that he would take care of this quite earlier, would one not?  Well, one would be wrong.  He seems to be in no hurry to get this done, in spite of my prodding and pushing.  Or maybe because of my pushing and prodding.  

He has to show that he is in complete control --- whether he is or not.  All I know is that I'm going to throttle him if he doesn't get one ordered in the next day or so.  After all, I'm coming from the female perspective.  The one that says, "You'd better get a nice corsage and not just a stinking cheap carnation because you failed to plan ahead!!

     Daughter #1 is busy apartment-hunting in Cambridge (over the internet).  She is quickly learning that an apartment advertised at 9:00 a.m. is not guaranteed to be around by noon on the same day.  It's a totally different world.  

    And she is now in a world of debt..... also a totally different world.  She sent in all of her student loan apps.  She's on her own for grad school, something she's always known and is doing surprisingly well with.  She is my number 1 cheapskate.  That girls abhors spending her own money.  Always has.  So this should be an interesting year.  All she asks of me is that I come up once a season and take her clothes shopping.  I think I can handle that.  :)

     Well, that's it for tonight.  Thank you for each and every comment.  You don't know how much they mean to me.  

So. Very. Much.