Thankful For ....

.... my teenage sons.

You know, those human beings who, as a general rule, don't talk a whole lot.
At least not to their moms.

Or is that just mine?

Anyway, yesterday morning Son #3 had to go into work early (he works at our church and sometimes has to go in early, early, early on a Sunday morning to unlock the church and get things ready).  He came home for a little bit and then left again to rehearse some stuff before church started (the teenagers led worship yesterday .... they were great!).

So ..... I'm still on point here, I promise ......
I woke up (after he left the second time) and went into the kitchen to find these:

As you can see, he included a note.
He had also brought fresh bagels home so he told me where to find mine.

Sometimes ..... my teenage sons just bowl me over.

Especially when they say, "I love you, Mom." ...... without saying a word.

He's baaaaaack!

                            I can't believe how handsome he is.

                     Gabby wanted very much to be a lap-dog today.  And so she was.


                                                     Son #3

           It's a short post.  I'm tired and am going to bed.  Son #2 is happily up in his room on his computer, connecting with many friends.  

He's very happy to be here.  It's nice to have him happy.

Oh ...... and he told me that when he returns to school after Thanksgiving he's getting promoted!  He said that his DI said that since his attitude has gotten better he will promote him.

So yay for him!

Because he will TOTALLY love bossing people around!!!

:)

Parents' Weekend

Son #2 and Jim.  One of the "boys" (all 4) all-time favorite past-times.

So, I leave tomorrow for Parents' Weekend.  I really didn't think I'd be going.  Neither did Son #2.  But his DI asked me to re-think it, and so I did.  And then Son #2 called me on Saturday.  And on Sunday.  

And we had 2 good conversations.  

Don't get me wrong, he still hates it, but not with as much venom.  He was calm when we spoke. He was calm when I reiterated what I had been telling him through snail mail --- he's going back next semester.  He was calm .... and I was surprised.  But consistent.   

And when he asked on Saturday if I was coming, I said, "I'll see what I can do."  I'd already bought my ticket.

So when he asked again on Sunday, "Are you coming to Parents' Weekend?, I said "Yes.  I'm coming".  And he said ..............

"I'm glad."

And so was I.

And I told him so.

In other news ..... how pathetic is this?

D and my mom were talking about baseball last night.  And I asked them what they were talking about.  

Them:  "The World Series."

Me:  "What World Series?"

Them:  "This World Series."

Me:  "What?!  The World Series is on NOW?!"

Them:  after a moment of looking at me like I was mentally challenged ..... "Yes."

Me:  "Who's playing?!!!"

How could I not know that the World Series is going on?  Or rather, was going on.  We watched the last game tonight.  Yay Phillies.

Hey .....  at least I'm a few steps ahead of my grandmother.

She doesn't know who's running for president.

Seriously.

I don't know when I'll be posing again, as I won't be home until Sunday.

So I shall have to leave you with a question.  

Let's see .........

Oh ...... here we go .........

What is your favorite Halloween memory?

I don't know what my favorite is .... but I could tell you about the year that I was about 6 and my parents were racists.

Wait ....... no, I can't tell you about it.  But if you send me an e-mail privately, I just might.

:)

Discuss amongst yourselves...........

UPDATE:

OK, My mom is taking great offense that I called her a racist.  WHATEVAH!

Actually, she is not, nor ever was a racist.  I don't know who's idea that Halloween costumes' idea was ...... all I know is that is was NOT mine and I cried a lot.

Tuesday thoughts

                                             Wow .... look at those eyes.  All 4 of them.   That's all I can say .... it leaves me speechless.

     On to my "after" which is also now my "current"---- I decided to work from home today so that I could spend a few hours with Son #1 before he drove back to school.  

I guess maybe I should have asked him to clear his schedule for that, too.  He spent several hours visiting his teachers at the high school.  He had a good time.  I waited for him.  Such is a mother's lot in life.  Sigh.  (Can you hear the violins playing?)

     I did go to lunch at a friend's house.  This is a woman whom I've liked for a while but don't know very well.  She's much younger than I am and has been very good at sending me cards and notes and letting me know that I'm in her thoughts.  A couple of days ago she asked me if I would be her "mentor mom".  I was so honored and surprised.  It stuns me that someone would ask that .... that someone would ---- the only word I can think of is "honor" me with that.

She has a 4 year old son and a 6 month old daughter and she's a lovely, lovely woman -- inside and out.  

I said I would be honored and today we had lunch at her house ---  the beginning of what I hope will be a very long and wonderful relationship.  God is good.

     But that doesn't mean I still don't ask Him"why".  Today I saw this and the only thing I could think of is "why"?  Why do You allow some horrible people to be blessed with children while other wonderful people go without?  Why do You allow children to live like this?

Just another "why" to add to the list, I guess.

     My jaw is sore and my face is swollen .... it's quite lovely.  Hopefully I will feel much better by morning.  

Son #3's game went well ..... we tied.  Son #3 made an awesome tackle tonight!!  He did a great job.

And then something happened on the field which I, not being even a little bit knowledgeable about the game, did not notice.  But the coach did.  And then he did something that made me think, "Hold my hoops!" and if he ever does it again he'll be wearing my hoops.

He grabbed my son by the front of his jersey and pulled him off of the field.  Not gently and not constructively, but harshly and angrily.  He grabbed him with one hand and pointed his finger in his face and shook his fist in his face.  Again, I was stunned (as was my mom).  I seem to get stunned a lot lately.  I had been watching him on the field and no idea what he had done, or not done.

I didn't find out until after the game when I asked my son about it.  "Oh," he said, "I stood in the wrong spot."  

What?  Are you kidding me?!  Thankfully, the coach was nowhere near us when he told me and I didn't see him before we left.  I know that if I said what I wanted to say, Son #3 would not play another moment on the team.  Son #3 was also angry at the man's reaction, but wisely did not say what was on his mind at the moment, either.  I told him that there are some times in our lives when we just say, "Yes, sir".  That man had no right to lay a hand on my child and no right to act that way, but he is the man in charge of the team, so I will give him one pass.

But if he ever touches him again ........ hell hath no fury like a mama bear.

     

On the edge

Jim and Son #2.

     I am feeling very edgy.  On the edge of wanting to sometimes yell, sometimes cry, sometimes just go sit in a closet.  

     I am having a difficult time not being able to have any contact with Son #2.  I want to call him and ask how he's doing.  I want to ask him how his hair (or lack thereof) looks.  I want to ask if he's sleeping OK, if he likes his DI, if he likes the boys he's with, etc. etc. etc.

I am not helicopter parent ... not at all.  But this is driving me to the edge for some reason.  I guess because it's not college --- because he's only 16.  And because I didn't get to see where he'll live, sleep, eat, etc.  

So I wait until his "graduation" in 2 weeks.  

And grit my teeth.

And consider taking a Xanax so that I don't bite someone's head off!!

I'll keep you posted.

I had my first holiday event at the lake this weekend since Jim died.  I think there were 16 of us sleeping in the house last night.  It was fun.

Then we had about 16 more people join us today.  It was also fun.

Mostly.

I really, really missed Jim.  

He loved these things.

But I have awesome friends and they helped take care of everything.

Back to work tomorrow.

Hopefully no one will get bitten.

I make no promises.

:)

overwhelmed

sorry for the void --- it's been a hectic and overwhelming couple of days.

I am now sitting in an airport, waiting to go home after taking Son #2 to military school.
I was there less than an hour. We went through registration and then met his Drilll Instructor.
He was very nice and straight forward. He told Son #2 that all it takes to suceed is a good attitude
and doing his homework. Son #2 seemed to like him and listened to him. Guess I should've enlisted the
help of a Sergeant Major a long time ago. Who knew?!
After that he asked Son #2, "You know that hair has to go, Son?"
Son #2 replied, "Yes, Sir." (at least he listened to me this a.m. about the "Sir" & "Ma'am" thing!).
Then the SgtMaj said, "OK, let's go. We'll take good care of him, Ma'am. See you in 2 weeks."
I know I looked at him as if I spoke no English. I was stunned. I had not expected it to be so sudden.
I thought I'd have at least another hour. I was wrong. Son #2 shrugged his shoulders and said "Bye."
I managed to regain my sanity for a moment and asked if I was going to get a hug. I did.
And that was it. They led him away and I resumed my stunned-ness again for a few moments.
And then I came here.

Maybe that's the best way to do it - like removing a bandaid - very quick so that you're too stunned to
feel the pain.
For just a moment.
Only a moment.

His work continues ....

This is Jim and Son #1. He was a great dad. Really.

He made each one of his daughters feel so so special and so loved. Each one knows that she is someone truly unique and wonderful. They won't be looking for another man to make them feel loved. They already know they are.

And he taught each of the boys how to be a man. A real man.
My goal for my sons has always been to grow up to be terrific husbands (I hope that my daughters-in-law rise up and call me blessed!!). I probably harped on that. Jim taught it.

While we were out shopping yesterday .... me and the three boys, remember? ..... one of the sons actually said this to me:
I was looking at a top that was a Medium ..... it had "medium" taped down the front of it. This son said, "Mom, you can't get a medium. That would totally be huge on you!".
Wow. What an awesome husband this boy will become!!!!! Jim (and maybe me, a little) taught him oh, so well. :)

Sons #1 & #2 put together a kitchen set today for one of J & L's neighbors. J helped them do it. The neighbor is a neurosurgeon and has been on call all week so he hasn't had time to put it together. He asked the sons if they'd be willing to do it. They were and they did. And they did a great job.
Here are some pics:

              These are the two sons taking the set out of the car after it was put together and loaded                up for delivery:
                                

              This is J taking part of it in:
         

            These are the 3 stooges, I mean, guys, drilling a hole in the wall to anchor the fridge:
                          

                              This is Son #2 with a drill.  Scary, isn't it?!
          

                                  This is the "stud" himself ...... happy with his work:
           

          This is Son #1, playing with the 2 little girls who were surprised once it was all set up:
                             

                                 This is Son #3 and S, enjoying pizza tonight:

The two sons went to Lego Land today and fun was had by all.  

Daughter #2 and I sat by the pool and read for a couple of hours.  The weather was awesome ..... again.

So can I just tell you that I do NOT want to go home?!  Really.  The weather here is so great --- it's like heaven.  I don't want to go home to the heat (in the 90's) and humidity (also in the 90's) and to the wreck of my kitchen.  My stomach turns at the thought of it.  Even the wrath of my mother might not stop me.

So, here's my plan:

We get in Thursday night.  I'll sleep (most likely drug-induced since I'll be on California time).  Then I have a meeting on Friday and then pick up V at the airport and then we're heading to the lake for the weekend.  I'm having some girlfriends join us.

      Did I mention the boys?  NO!!!  MOY ---- nominate me now!!!

I've already told the boys that this is my plan and they seem totally fine with it.  Of course, Son #1 goes to camp on Sunday so he'll be getting ready for that.

I think they're ready to get rid of me.  

      I'm just hoping to not have a nervous breakdown when I see the house looking pretty much the way I left it ..... like a nuclear weapon went off in the kitchen.  

      Maybe I need some friends waiting for me at my house Thursday night (around 9:00) with alcohol in hand!

I'm not saying you have to ...................  but if you love me .....................

That's all I'm saying ........  :)

It took my breath away .....

..... how much he looks like Jim.
I did not cry. I couldn't breathe for a moment, but I did not cry. So yay for not embarrassing him on his prom night.
That's about it ..... tomorrow is the 18th. Five months. Sometimes it seems like last night, sometimes it seems like a lifetime.
An already-too-long lifetime.

Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

zonked

This is a picture of Jim that many people have seen --- in their own homes. Usually it was just my family and a holiday. This was at Dad & Carol's house, circa 1984. He continued to use this same position over the years, although at church he'd bow his head (not every Sunday). This is how you knew he was totally comfortable with you -- he'd pass out cold. So --- c'mon -- admit it ---- how many of you have seen this in real life?

I don't think you can get mad in heaven, but if you can --- he is. :)

I need to make a clarification on yesterday's post. Son #1 did not do ALL of the things on the list -- just the porch. He used the power washer on the porch but didn't do the rest of the house. So don't give him a halo just yet. He did a great job, no doubt, but he didn't go overboard and do the entire list!!

I'm taking the boys and Daughter #1 and heading to the lake tomorrow. We need some time away. Even if we ALL don't think so and aren't talking to some of us.

Five are going .... four may come back. Alive.

'Nuff said.