What Can You, as a Parent .....

.... as a mother, do to avoid adding to society's pressure on your child .... your daughter .... to look better than she/he does?

This has been floating through my mind quite a bit lately.  A few people have contacted me with that question.
So here are my thoughts.
I am not a professional therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist.

But .... I am a professional mother.
And happen to have a boatload of experience in not accepting myself ..... as I was.  As God made me.

For Moms:
1.  Never, ever, EVER utter ONE. SINGLE. WORD. about your daughter's weight.  Not about it being more than it should, less than it should or ..... just right.  There is only ONE exception to this rule:
2.  If your child, your daughter, expresses dissatisfaction with her weight, her appearance .... tell her ALWAYS that she is perfect the way she is.  We are not all born to be the same size, to look the same, to act the same.  She is beautiful.  Other people have probably told you that so let HER know that, too.
3.  Love your daughter, and show her that you love her, UNCONDITIONALLY.  You don't love her because she's well behaved.  You don't love her because she makes good grades.  You don't love her because she's a violin prodigy.  You love her because she's YOURS.  The way God loves us.  She canNOT make you love her less.  She canNOT make you love her more.  You.  Simply.  Love.  Her.
4.  You canNOT tell her too much how good she looks, whatever she's wearing (unless she's almost naked and then that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER issue!).
5.  Do NOT constantly talk about your body.  At all.  Don't belittle yourself, don't talk about wanting to lose weight, don't talk about plastic surgery, ...... just don't.  Talk about it to yourself in your closet with the door shut and a pillow muffling your voice, if you must.
6.  Do NOT continually go on diets.  Just in case you're not old enough to know this yet ..... diets don't work.  Forever.  If you are eating lots of crap in your house, then make a decision to eat healthier.  And call it that.  The word "diet", as a verb, should be like any other 4 letter word in your home.  It's not permitted.
7.  If your child is overweight try to do family activities that help .... like going on walks.  For instance, if your daughter says, "I really need to lose some weight." then why don't you say, "Actually, we all could be a little healthier around here.  Let's go for a walk!"  Or a bike ride, or off the playground .... whatever would be a physically healthy activity.  Don't make this your child's problem .... join her/him in being healthy.  You're not agreeing that she's overweight, your stating a fact.  We ALL do need to live more healthily.
8.  Make CERTAIN that the FATHER of your daughter tells her VERY, VERY OFTEN how beautiful she is.  Did you get that?  OFTEN!  As our daughters start to enter adolescence, fathers have a tendency to pull back, to hug less, talk less .... push away.  It's not a conscious thing .... it's more of a knee jerk reaction to their daughter starting to look, and act, like a woman ..... to her sexuality.
This is a critical time for her and she needs her father's touch, presence and love more than ever.  This is HUGELY important.  If a girl does not find love, acceptance and encouragement from her father (or another strong male family member/close friend .... for those without fathers) she WILL find it in another male.  Maybe not this year, or the next .... but she will.
9.  Try to phase the junk food slowly out of your home, if that's what you're eating/snacking on.  Always make eating healthier a family decision.
10.  It's never too late.  If you've already had words slip out of your mouth that you wish you could take back, go to your child and apologize.  Always, always apologize.  Be honest with her/him.  Let them know that this parenting thing is hard, no one gives us a manual before we leave the hospital, or take them from the adoption agency.  We don't have to pass any huge test to be a parent, unfortunately.  So admit your vulnerability to your child .... show it to them.  And tell them that you are doing the best you know how, but you can always learn more, especially if they help you and are honest and open with you.  Vulnerability is HUGE .... for everyone.  Our children find out soon enough that we aren't perfect, so it's best to admit it before they see us fall from the tall pedestal first.

And for Dads:
1.  See #8 for Moms.  And DO IT!
2.  Do each of the rest of the numbers, too .... and support your wife in this.  You are a team and together you are strong and a united front.  Together you can arm your daughter with confidence and love and support so that she can hopefully withstand the onslaught that girls receive in school, magazines, TV, movies and yes, books.  Help her see the real her every time she looks in a mirror.

So, that's all I have.  For now.  Maybe.
If anything comes to me I'll try to just add it to this post.
Or if you have any questions that you want to ask, I'll address those, too.

The bottom line?
Love your children.
Love them madly, crazily and unconditionally.
Set boundaries and expectations and then follow through when those boundaries are crossed and expectation are not met.
Unconditional love does not mean no discipline and no consequences.  It's a proven fact that children secretly like, and feel safer, with boundaries and rules (although don't go overboard in that direction, either).

I am not a perfect mother.
Not by a long shot.
But that's OK .... because there's no such thing.
I did my best.
Sometimes I failed.
Many times I failed.
But I didn't give up.
I will never give up.
Especially now that I am an only parent (as opposed to a single parent).
I don't have the luxury of giving up.
But then, no one does .... or should.

I hope this helps somebody out there.  Anybody.

Happy Sunday, Peeps.
:)

Cheers from Cambridge

     I am sitting down, finally, having cheese, bread and wine for dinner w/ Daughter #1, watching The Colbert Report and waiting for Project Runway.  Yes, our entertainment is deep.  I did manage to get her to put it on the US Open for about 20 minutes so yay for that.  And, I might add, as long as it's on Project Runway it won't be on that stupid convention in Denver.

I don't think she was that interested in Joe Biden anyway.  She probably thinks he's WAY to old to listen to.

    I only took a couple of pictures today and I'm too lazy at the moment to walk into the bedroom, pick up my camera, hook it up and download those 2 pictures.  

So I'm dreadfully sorry if you were waiting with baited breath for pictures of Boston. 

OK, I'm not really sorry ..... because if you were waiting with baited breath for that then, #1.  You have no life whatsoever, and #2:  Your breath smells like bait.  That is not a good thing.

     We went to the restaurant today.  I told them I was there to pick up my credit card, which had been turned in on Sunday.  Guess what?  Yep, no credit card.  The manager today had no idea what I was talking about, said he spoke to every manager and there was no credit card.  Interesting, because when I asked him if he had spoken to the manager from last night, OR the manager who had received the card from the waitress, he said he had left messages but not heard back.  Now, where I come from that means that you have NOT spoken to every manager.  Thank you very much, Cheesecake Factory.

On a positive note --- no one has used it.  Oh well, now I get to change all of my info and learn a new cc number.  I had this one memorized.  Yep, memorized.  Guess that says a lot.

What it really says is that I KNOW Jim is behind this!!!  I should've bought a lot more stuff before Sunday.

     I'll be home in 24 hours.  I will be sad to leave Daughter #1, but I made Thanksgiving and Christmas airline reservations for her to come home (BEFORE the credit card disappeared!) so I'll see her again in a few months.  

     It's been a great visit.  I think she's seen more of Boston since I've been here than ever before.  

     OK, I just looked up to see what's going on with Project Runway.  These people are having to design an outfit out of car parts.  No kidding.  Floor mats, seat belts, head lights, windshield wipers, etc.  

Is this a great country or what?!

I may go take 2 Ambien.

Crawling through Boston

 

     Well, we did it again.  We walked and walked and walked.  We must've lost our minds after not having to walk a lot yesterday.

     Rain was predicted for yesterday (though evidently the weather forecasters here are no different than those in any other state) so Daughter #1 and I carried on a long-standing family tradition ...... we went to 2 movies.  

We also walked quite a bit but nothing in comparison to Sunday .... or today.

Last night we went to the Harbor and had dinner.  The day turned out be very nice.  

But not as nice as it was today!!  It was sunny and in the low 70's!  If it were like this all year round I'd move here.  But I know better.

     Here are some of the sites:

     Daughter #1 walking through Boston Commons, yesterday.

     Daughter #1 hat shopping.  The girl loves hats.

            As well she should.  In the T (Boston subway):

     This is a house in her neighborhood.  Note the tree growing under and in the porch.  Its branches also cover the entire length of the porch.  

     These are the donuts we smuggled into the movie theatre -- in an Apple bag.  Who says we aren't spy-material??

     This is proof of what she's doing to me .... and to herself!  She's putting a band aid onto her toe because of all of the walking!
     Here we are in the theatre.  I, too, bought a hat.  Unfortunately I do not pull it off as well as she does.

     The obligatory tennis courts shot (Boston Commons):

     This fine establishment was where we had dinner:

     Boston skyline from the Harbor:
                                     Harbor shot:
     Not sure if you can read this box, but it says East India Tea Company on it.  OK ..... really?!!

I did NOT just fall off of the turnip truck yesterday!

     This morning in the T.  We're getting a bit more tired-looking each day (and, it would appear, less favorable of my picture taking).

     These shots were for me playing around with the camera (on the grounds of Harvard):

     Eating shrimp at the Barking Crab.  They bark?  Who knew?!

     I love the churches in Boston:

     Daughter #1 buying some herb plants at an outdoor market downtown:

     This ends the pictorial tour.  

     And as for my Visa ..... we kind of know where it is.  I figured out that I had left it at a restaurant on Sunday.  The waitress did not work yesterday and the manager said it wasn't there.  I called tonight and yes, she did have it and she turned it in to another manager, who then turned it over to a 3rd member to put into the safe.  This he did not do.  And he was not at work today.  The first manager has left a message for him to see what he did with it.  He feels bad about it, but I'll give him a huge hug if I can get it tomorrow.  So far no one is using it --- unless manager #3 has run off to Rio with it and the charge hasn't gone through yet.

  So please keep praying.

     My mom seems to be hanging in there.  Nat took her to lunch yesterday.  I think K was taking them out to dinner tonight.  

She and Gabby are getting on well.  Although she told me that Gabby and Rigby have gotten into the paint.  I wonder if they did it to each other?

So all in all this has been a great trip.  I'm drinking in all of the time with Daughter #1.

But I've been dealing with some strange stuff.  Well, I think it's strange, but again .... I've never walked through this valley before.

I keep having flashbacks from the hospital.  From the time spent with Jim, the time in the waiting room with friends and the kids, waiting for the doctors .... to the worst flashback ..... going to see him when it was all over.  It's like a movie when a character flashes back to some war scene or something and everything around him in the present fades away.  

I was sitting on the subway this afternoon and suddenly everything faded and there I was .... looking at him again.  Wishing he would open his eyes.  Wishing I had stayed longer with him ... before and after.  

Wishing .........

I don't believe in wishes anymore.

Add it to the list.

P.S.  OMG, it's time for an Ambien.  She's making me watch Hilary.

HELP ME!!!

Fun and melancholy

This is daughter #1 with her daddy and her favorite stuffed animal --- Grover.
Oh for the days of Grover.
     

     

     Today we slept in.  No surprise there (though I did do my motherly duty last night and asked her what church she had joined so I'd know where we would be going.  I'll leave the response to your imagination).

     We left around noon because I had gone on line and discovered that there is a Cambridge Galleria.  Who knew?!

     We spent the day there.



      We shopped for winter clothes for her (while I laughed on the inside because I don't really have a "winter" and she's going to freak out from the first cold front.   And then she'll go to Moscow in February.  Her poor body.

     We ate an early dinner.  I got my hair cut because it was driving me crazy.  We came home and are now watching the end and the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

We've had fun.

And yet, I was also sad.

Sad because Jim will never experience this with her.  With me, with her.

And sad because I had another first today.  This wave of sadness surprised me as it broke over me.  I don't know why .... they usually do.  I'm not sure why God allows these waves .... right about the time when I think I'm doing O.K.  

I try to not think that but sometimes I just do.  I should know better.

Anyway, back to this wave.

I bought myself some jewelry today.  And that made me sad.  Not at first, but then, as I said, it was a wave.  It crashed down on me while I was checking out.  It took a lot out of me to not cry. I did not want to terrify the poor sales girl.

I've never really bought myself jewelry, really.  I didn't have to.  Jim learned (after a bit) to have great taste in jewelry and he loved giving it to me.  Our local shop knew him well.  THEY should have sent me a sympathy card!

The wave hit as I was checking out.  I was so sad that I was having to do this myself and not requesting something for Christmas.  Don't get me wrong .... it's not that I miss getting jewelry from him (OK, maybe a bit) ..... I just miss him.  And this was just another instance that slammed into my head and heart.  

My heart hurts.  

I wish it could be fixed.  But it never will.  It will always be missing him.  Missing my other half.

     



Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

She's killing me

It is now a little past 8:00 p.m., Boston time.  I cannot move.  I cannot fathom getting out of bed in the morning.  I think my hips, knees and feet are done.  Kaput.  Over and out.  They are very, very angry with me.  You'd never know I was a tennis player.  It's pathetic.

   OK, so let's begin with the trip from hell .... I mean the airplane ride.  

There was a crying baby behind me.  Wait, did I say "crying"?  No .... that was the baby in front of me.  The baby behind me was screaming.

Then there was the 12 yr old boy in my row, at the window (I had the aisle) who talked constantly to his dad, the middle passenger, but his dad was too busy reading "Solitary Wicka" to answer his questions.  Guess his wife and 2 sons did not care to practice witchcraft.  His son made several comments about the two necklaces dad wore and his practice.  

The son got up to go to the bathroom SEVERAL times during the flight.  He must have had a bladder the size of a pea. 

I got in to Boston around 9:00 p.m.  Daughter #1 met me at the airport.  She took the subway to get me.  It took her well over an hour.  Mom's in town.  We took a taxi.

   We just hung out last night and talked.  Finally went to bed around 2:00 a.m.

     This morning we got up and hit the town.  I'm not sure if Boston feels as "hit" as I do, but we did our best.

      This was our first stop off of the subway from Cambridge.  I can't remember what it's called.  But there she is:
     

            This is part of Harvard.  It's a very pretty campus.  At least the part that I saw.  It's a very large campus.  

                            Also Harvard:
This is Daughter #1 sitting in a pew in the Old North Church.  Their pews were actually boxes.  There were a few chairs in each box and they made up the whole church.  Very interesting .... I'd never seen this configuration before.  I thought it would've been great (and still might be, it still has services) for people with small children because they had room to play in the box without bothering other worshippers.  Yes, as a mom this is what I would notice.  I'm guessing that back in "the day" they didn't let their children play much in the box at church.  A pity.
     

       The pew that we were in just happened (OK, not really, Daughter #1 knew it was there) to be a pew where Theodore Roosevelt sat and worshipped.  I wonder if HIS kids played on the floor in the box?

This is Paul Revere's house.  Well, one of his houses.  This is where he and his wife (not sure if it was #1 or #2 --- #1 died shortly after giving birth to his 8th child ..... #2 took on those 8 and then had 8 more.  What a woman!!) lived and where he was a silversmith.
 

    This was the Farmers' Market.  Oh my gosh, it was so crowded and loud and cheap!  And huge!!  We bought some great fruit.  A pound of strawberries for a dollar.  No kidding.  

         This is Paul Revere's grave.  
     

      This is the same cemetery.  It was very pretty.  The pyramid in the picture is Benjamin Franklin's grave.  Well, I say "grave", but evidently they just buried everyone in a mass grave in the middle and then put up markers.  Go figure!

      

      This is Sam Adam's grave. Evidently it's the only place where you can sit in a bar (across the street) and drink Sam Adams while you look at Sam Adams. Bad joke that a tour guide told Daughter #1.
   

     This is a Holocaust memorial.  There were 5 of these towers, all etched with the numbers of each prisoner.  Each represented a death camp.  It was very sobering.

                        No explanation necessary!  We went inside the bar.  Very large and very crowded.

Sam was not there.  

     This is "Frog Pond" in Boston Commons.  It's a wading pool for children.  It's a very large wading pool.
     

     That's all of the pics for today.  We had lunch in Little Italy, shopped on Newberry Street --though mostly just window shopped.  That was our last visit of the day and we were getting too tired to even lift a credit card.  Believe it or not.

     We are now sitting at the huge 60" TV, watching "The Last Samurai" and eating delivery Chinese food.  Oh .... and more importantly, drinking wine.  

     Lisa B. --- thank you so much for your last comment.  It meant a lot to me and really touched me.  I loved being involved with MOPS and all of you.  You all mean so much to me.

     Hi to my mom --- stay strong!! --- and to all of my friends.  Hopefully I'll make it back without having to use a walker.

I am making no promises.

His work continues ....

This is Jim and Son #1. He was a great dad. Really.

He made each one of his daughters feel so so special and so loved. Each one knows that she is someone truly unique and wonderful. They won't be looking for another man to make them feel loved. They already know they are.

And he taught each of the boys how to be a man. A real man.
My goal for my sons has always been to grow up to be terrific husbands (I hope that my daughters-in-law rise up and call me blessed!!). I probably harped on that. Jim taught it.

While we were out shopping yesterday .... me and the three boys, remember? ..... one of the sons actually said this to me:
I was looking at a top that was a Medium ..... it had "medium" taped down the front of it. This son said, "Mom, you can't get a medium. That would totally be huge on you!".
Wow. What an awesome husband this boy will become!!!!! Jim (and maybe me, a little) taught him oh, so well. :)

Sons #1 & #2 put together a kitchen set today for one of J & L's neighbors. J helped them do it. The neighbor is a neurosurgeon and has been on call all week so he hasn't had time to put it together. He asked the sons if they'd be willing to do it. They were and they did. And they did a great job.
Here are some pics:

              These are the two sons taking the set out of the car after it was put together and loaded                up for delivery:
                                

              This is J taking part of it in:
         

            These are the 3 stooges, I mean, guys, drilling a hole in the wall to anchor the fridge:
                          

                              This is Son #2 with a drill.  Scary, isn't it?!
          

                                  This is the "stud" himself ...... happy with his work:
           

          This is Son #1, playing with the 2 little girls who were surprised once it was all set up:
                             

                                 This is Son #3 and S, enjoying pizza tonight:

The two sons went to Lego Land today and fun was had by all.  

Daughter #2 and I sat by the pool and read for a couple of hours.  The weather was awesome ..... again.

So can I just tell you that I do NOT want to go home?!  Really.  The weather here is so great --- it's like heaven.  I don't want to go home to the heat (in the 90's) and humidity (also in the 90's) and to the wreck of my kitchen.  My stomach turns at the thought of it.  Even the wrath of my mother might not stop me.

So, here's my plan:

We get in Thursday night.  I'll sleep (most likely drug-induced since I'll be on California time).  Then I have a meeting on Friday and then pick up V at the airport and then we're heading to the lake for the weekend.  I'm having some girlfriends join us.

      Did I mention the boys?  NO!!!  MOY ---- nominate me now!!!

I've already told the boys that this is my plan and they seem totally fine with it.  Of course, Son #1 goes to camp on Sunday so he'll be getting ready for that.

I think they're ready to get rid of me.  

      I'm just hoping to not have a nervous breakdown when I see the house looking pretty much the way I left it ..... like a nuclear weapon went off in the kitchen.  

      Maybe I need some friends waiting for me at my house Thursday night (around 9:00) with alcohol in hand!

I'm not saying you have to ...................  but if you love me .....................

That's all I'm saying ........  :)

Then .....

And now .....


She's now in Boston -- I just got off of the phone.
This was a difficult day. I think that's putting it mildly.
I did well on the way to the airport (note: she just noticed last night that it was the "far away" airport!). So I did well for a long drive. She did well, too.
Then I went in with her to help her check in her two 50 pound bags and help her get to security with her 150 lb carry on. No kidding, I know that smaller bag weighed a lot more than either of the two huge ones. I'm sure her back and arms will be aching from that!
Anyway, I did very well ---- right up to the point when we had to say good-bye at security. When I had to let her go. To really let her go. Not like back at the first of college, or like Rome, but to know that this is probably it .... the last time she'll be leaving "home".
And I needed Jim.
I cried all of the way home. Another day to say, "This sucks". Totally and 100%. I hate it and I hate being here and doing all of these "events" alone. Not totally alone ..... after all, Daughter #2 and Son #1 were with me today, but ....... you know....... or do you? No, most of you don't. And I'm glad that you don't.
The ride home was very, very quiet.


Here are the afore-mentioned children:


Here is the girl teddy bear that Daughter #2 made (another great job, if I do say so myself):


And here's the pathetic little patient with the huge blue cast, which she hates:


I'm packed and ready to go. I guess. I feel like I'm just racing from one thing to another lately. With a very cruddy, torn up house that will look just the same when I get back. I am less than thrilled with that. Way less. But there ya go.

One very positive thing happened today. God spoke to me.
Tonight we went out with friends for dinner. I noticed a woman sitting at a table nearby and I suddenly recognized her from the grief group. The younger woman who's husband died the month after Jim.
I decided to go up and introduce myself -- we'd never met. I've only been to the group twice.
I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the other younger women in our area who have lost their husbands in the last few years --- there are several. I want to get these women together for support. I don't know any of them, but I'd like to meet them. I think I need that kind of group, rather than the other.
So it was like God put her right in front of me. I did go over and talk to her. And she took my breath away. I asked her how her husband had died. It was the same thing that killed Jim. Exactly. And it happened so soon afterwards. I had "heard" of her. News gets around in our small community. I knew that there was a woman out there who this had happened to, I just didn't know who it was. Until tonight. When she told me all I could say was, "It's you." Kind of a stupid thing to say, but I couldn't believe it. And then I told her why I said that--- and took her breath away.
I pulled my chair over and we talked. For quite a while. And hurt for each other.
She also knew about me and knew about my blog, but didn't know who I was. And she also wants support with women "our age".
So I hope that I've made a new friend and that we can help each other. And other women. Because she, and they, know how terribly much this sucks.