I'm Not Sure I Can Do This ....

.... in fact, 30 minutes into this program .... I'm sure that I can't.

This was supposed to be a humorous post about some things I did this week .... things that I would never have attempted to do 4 years ago.  But I now seem to constantly be up for a challenge .... come hell or high water.
More on that at another time.

Son #3 informed me that he planned to watch a show on National Geographic tonight at 9:00, and he intended to record it.
It's an interview with Pres. George W. Bush .... about September 11, 2001.

And I know, thirty minutes into it,  that I am not going to be able to deal with all of coverage of the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day.
My stomach is churning and I feel nauseous.
My eyes are brimming with tears that I'm trying very hard to hold back.

I cannot watch those buildings fall one more time.
I cannot re-live that day.

And yet, I can't help myself.

Everything about that morning is engraved into my brain.
Jim stayed late that morning, for some unknown reason.
I had sent the kids off to school and was reading the paper and watching "Good Morning America", when ABC News broke in.
I watched the report and wondered what the heck had happened .... what kind of plane had hit the building?  Was it a small plane and the pilot had had a heart attack?  It seemed so surreal.

Jim was out in the garage.  I think he may have been getting ready to leave, but I went out and told him that something was going wrong in NYC .... the city that we had just retuned from one week earlier, the city that has always held a special place in my heart.   I told him that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  He followed me back into the kitchen and we stood there, side by side, as we watched that second plane fly into the camera shot .... and into the second building.

I'll never forget that day.

I remember going to the boys' elementary school when I knew they'd be heading to lunch.  I had no idea what they knew or did not know.  I had no idea what kind of emotional state my children would be in.
I walked into the lunch room and saw Son #3 sitting happily at his table, laughing and having fun with his classmates.
He did not know.
None of the kids knew anything.  Thankfully.
The administrators and teachers had decided to make the day as normal as the day before.
At least until their parents picked them up.

I went to sit beside him and it was all I could do to not grab him up and hug him fiercely to my chest.  I watched him for a while and then I looked up .... and caught the glance of another mom two tables over.  We looked at each other with hearts full of relief and sorrow .... and eyes full of tears.  And then I started looking around the cafeteria and saw that there were many moms sitting in there, watching their children and looking as shell shocked as I felt.  We caught each other's eyes .... and nodded that, yes .... it was a terrible day and we could think of no other place to be.

I cannot go back to that morning.
I cannot go back to watching those planes hit .... over and over and over and over again.
I cannot watch those buildings burn, those people jump .... those buildings fall.
Buildings that Daughter #1 and I had just had dinner in months before ..... at the Top of the World.  We watched the sun set.  We enjoyed the service.  I could only picture all of those people who worked at that restaurant .... and imagine what their families were going through that day.

I cannot go back to those dark days that followed.  Days when the only thing on TV was the crashing of those planes, the falling of those buildings, .... the horror of the people on the streets of NYC, watching .... crying .... running .... in terror.

No, I did not suffer nearly as much as thousands of other wives, mothers, sisters, husbands, fathers, sons .... the list goes on and on.
No, I did not suffer one iota of the amount that a widow I know did.  Her husband died that day, in those buildings.
I cannot imagine having to re-live my husband's death every time a television was turned on.
I cannot imagine having to share such a horrific moment in my life .... with the rest of the world.

I am still as full or sorrow about those attacks as I was that day.
And I wish that I could adequately say something that would honor all of those people, and all of their loved ones who will again be reminded, as if they had to be reminded, of the horror of that day .... and the days that followed.

I don't know if I feel this way because of Jim's death, but I don't really think so.
Maybe his death intensifies what I feel.
Maybe I feel his absence in the sorrow of those memories.
Maybe.

So, in knowing that I can't go through that again .... I will not be watching any of it.
I hope that I'm not dismissing anyone else's emotions, feelings, memories .... or losses of that day.
I don't mean to do that.
I just know myself a little better now .... 10 years later.
And I have grown older .... in many, many ways since then.

My heart breaks for all of the loved ones who will be remembering that day .... and feeling the waves that such an "anniversary" brings.
I send them love, strength and peace through my thoughts of them.
And that's all I can do.

I wish it were enough.

Here Comes The ....

..... pain, do do do doooo  .......
The "do do's" are to indicate that "here comes the pain" is being sung (NOT to talk about intestinal issues, for those of you who were going there).
Two points to the first Peep who knows what song keeps running through my mind, with those words.

This post should probably be entitled "Whine #3", but hopefully I won't whine that much.

Last night was rough.
Really, really rough.

I've been taking the pain meds regularly, every 5 hours, like candy clockwork to try to stay "on top of the pain".
Wait one darn second!!!
Holy smokes!  I just checked the label .... it says to take it every FOUR hours.  DANG!!!!  I've been cheating myself out of an hour this whole time!!!!
..... deep breathing here ......

OK, I'm back.  I can't believe I didn't know that.  And yes, I really DID just now see it and write about it at the same time.
I think I'm a totally weird unique writer.

Hold on ..... Roger's getting ready to win the first set .....
Dang.  His drop shot was out.

OK, where was I?
Ahhh yes, pain meds.
And last night.

So I've been taking them at what I THOUGHT was the prescribed recommended basis, but last night the pain slammed into my body at around 6:30.
--Crap!  Nadal just held his serve.  Now it's 5-3---
I don't know what happened.  I was just sitting on my bed and all of a sudden I was moaning and doing Lamaze breathing.  Ironically, I was doing the Lamaze breathing pretty much the way I did it during labor (yeah, when you go through 5 labors you tend to remember these things).
Way too fast.  Which sometimes leads to hyperventilating, as Jim tried to tell me when I was in labor with Daughter #1.  I think that when he mentioned that fact for about the third or eleventh time I may or may not have uttered the words, "Shut up!"  Which he immediately did.  At that moment the nurse walked in, looked at me and said, "She needs to slow her breathing down or she's going to hyperventilate."
I refused look up to see what I know was the look of triumph on his face.

I digress again.
And now Nadal has won another game and it's 5-4.
Sigh.
At least it's proving to be a great match.

And yes, I did take a pain pill an hour ago.  Why do you ask?

So, the pain was a true bitch last night.
After about 2 hours I gave in and took another pain pill.  At the time I thought it was way too early, though I did it anyway.
Now I know it wasn't THAT early.  (I really can't get over that!)

I may or may have not added some Baileys into the scenario.
And yes, I know that's a huge no no.
I was desperate.
And it worked.
Or maybe I just didn't care at that point .... it's difficult to remember.
:)

So, rough night.
But after that I did manage to sleep better than the night before.

And I got what I think may be good news:  I don't think I'll have to use the sling after tomorrow!
The hospital called to check on me (wasn't that sweet?) and the very perky lady said something about my doctor not wanting me to let my shoulder get stiff ..... meaning, in my mind, that I should be using my right arm.
----Wow!  Great 'get' on Roger's drop shot by Nadal!  He may break Roger's serve here .... CRAP!  Roger just hit it into the net!  Nadal is up 6-5------

So I am typing with two hands at the moment.  Yay!
I see the doc tomorrow at 2:00.
I had a dream last night that my shoulder was almost feeling normal today.  Meaning that it still gave me pain but not the I-just-had-surgery-on-it pain that I'm having in real life.
Hopefully that's a prophecy and the pain will be less today.
Or I'm going to need some more Baileys.
:)

I have to end the post here, Peeps.
I'm sorry, I know you want more (which is always how one should leave people) but Roger needs me.
He just lost the first set.
I need to save my strength to cheer him on and telepathically send him loads and loads of encouragement.
I'll check in with you all later .... unless I'm too weak.

P.S.  Beth .... I love you!!!  Thank you so much!!!!  It's perfect.  :)

Whiney WHIIINE #2

....  It's midnight, the nerve block wore off an hour ago and I am not happy.

My shoulder hurts, the incision site hurts every time I move  ..... even with a deep breath, as does my neck where he went in for the block ("hurts" isn't a strong enough word, but I can't think of another one at the moment).  The strong pain meds are not strong enough.  I probably won't be making you smile for a while.

Sorry ........

And now it is almost 8a.m.  I think I MAY have slept an hour .... after I finally caved and took an Ambien at 2:30 a.m.

I'm ready to do bodily harm ..... I'm just sayin'....

Especially if the player I like doesn't win the French Open, which I am getting ready to watch in my kind-of-stoned-visually way, but not-medically way.  Or rather .... not-medically-good-enough way.

Twenty Eight Years Ago Today ....

.... we looked like this:

T.
A.
N.
W.*


*There Are No Words

Weirdly emotional

                           This is one of those pictures that doesn't need any words about love.  It's there.

     OK, let me just warn you upfront.  This is going to be a weird post.  I'm going to try to explain something that I felt yesterday but I don't really know how to explain it, and I wonder how many people are just going to think I some weirdo.  I've already told you that I have difficulty stating my emotions, so this post is huge.  Well, for me.  Probably not  for you.

     Yesterday while I was sitting in that chair, having my roots canaled (or rather, having my canals un-rooted), I suddenly felt very emotional.  It was all I could do to stare at the ceiling very, very hard, so that I wouldn't cry.  And since I spent the rest of my energy trying to keep my palms from sweating, that effort was extremely difficult.

Here's the "hard to describe" part:  the endodontist sat on my right and had to work on the left side of my mouth (strenuously, as I already told you) and so my face was turned in to him.  He had his left arm around my head and it worked from the left side of my mouth.  His right hand, of course, worked on the right side of my mouth.  But the way we were both positioned made my head almost laying against his chest.  Not quite, but only about a millimeter from it.  

And suddenly, I realized how much physical contact I have been missing.  

Before I go any further (and I'm trying not to cry now), get your minds out of the gutter!  I am not talking about sex, I'm talking about just being that close to Jim.  Just resting my head against his chest.  Just having his arm around me.  Just having him hug me.  Or hold my hand.  It was another one of those blows right to the gut. It hit me very quickly -- I never saw it coming.  And there I lay --- his arms wrapped around my head, my mouth pried open and several gadgets protruding from it ..... and trying to keep control of myself so that I didn't scare the poor man and his assistant and make them think they'd done something horribly wrong.

I was very proud of myself for keeping it all together.

But sometimes, when you keep it all together for a while, there comes a time when you suddenly don't.

This is that time.

I miss his touch.

I am a soap opera

Look at those two --- newly married and still very naive.  I had no idea how much more I would love him 25 years later.  

No idea.

     Well, at least I know one thing:  my life never has a dull moment.  I AM a soap opera.  No kidding (and I know that most of you know this, too).

'As hurricanes hit the Gulf ..... so are the days of Txmomx6'.

     My jaw has been aching for a little while (well, I don't know how long because I usually ignore my body) but the last few days it's gotten worse.  The ache has been so bad that I've had bad headaches.  So I called the dentist late this morning and they gave me an appointment today.  My dentist knows that by the time I feel pain it's way late in the game.

He took an x-ray and told me that I have 2 "situations".  The last time I had a "situation" with him I was one day away from him putting me in the hospital - so I'm not so comfortable with that term now.

Here are my "situations":  my back tooth has a hairline fracture through it and the tooth next to that has the beginning of an abscess.  So guess what I'm having done tomorrow?!

If you guessed a root canal then you win the stuffed animal!!  Let me know and I'll send you one.  OK, not really, but I might give you credit!

     So now I'm on antibiotics.  And tomorrow at 3:30 I'll be trying very hard not to have a panic attack in the endodontist's chair.  It takes a lot of time and injections to numb my mouth (no comments, please), so I know my blood pressure shoots up when I have to have anything done.  My palms sweat, my heart rate speeds up and I feel nauseous.  

It's really bad to feel nauseous when you're reclining back in a chair and have an appliance in your mouth to keep it open.  Really.

But hopefully by this time tomorrow night I'll be feeling better.

If I were a character in "All My Children" this would all go horribly wrong, I'd lose my memory, disappear for 3 months and then return with another face and body.

And then get married to Tad Martin.

I think I'm already ahead of the plot with the memory loss.

But I could be wrong.

P.S.  Leslie --- While I do love my puppy --- I think I do not like being told that we look alike!!  Please tell me that you need glasses and that I really don't resemble a Mastiff!!!!

overwhelmed

sorry for the void --- it's been a hectic and overwhelming couple of days.

I am now sitting in an airport, waiting to go home after taking Son #2 to military school.
I was there less than an hour. We went through registration and then met his Drilll Instructor.
He was very nice and straight forward. He told Son #2 that all it takes to suceed is a good attitude
and doing his homework. Son #2 seemed to like him and listened to him. Guess I should've enlisted the
help of a Sergeant Major a long time ago. Who knew?!
After that he asked Son #2, "You know that hair has to go, Son?"
Son #2 replied, "Yes, Sir." (at least he listened to me this a.m. about the "Sir" & "Ma'am" thing!).
Then the SgtMaj said, "OK, let's go. We'll take good care of him, Ma'am. See you in 2 weeks."
I know I looked at him as if I spoke no English. I was stunned. I had not expected it to be so sudden.
I thought I'd have at least another hour. I was wrong. Son #2 shrugged his shoulders and said "Bye."
I managed to regain my sanity for a moment and asked if I was going to get a hug. I did.
And that was it. They led him away and I resumed my stunned-ness again for a few moments.
And then I came here.

Maybe that's the best way to do it - like removing a bandaid - very quick so that you're too stunned to
feel the pain.
For just a moment.
Only a moment.

Crawling through Boston

 

     Well, we did it again.  We walked and walked and walked.  We must've lost our minds after not having to walk a lot yesterday.

     Rain was predicted for yesterday (though evidently the weather forecasters here are no different than those in any other state) so Daughter #1 and I carried on a long-standing family tradition ...... we went to 2 movies.  

We also walked quite a bit but nothing in comparison to Sunday .... or today.

Last night we went to the Harbor and had dinner.  The day turned out be very nice.  

But not as nice as it was today!!  It was sunny and in the low 70's!  If it were like this all year round I'd move here.  But I know better.

     Here are some of the sites:

     Daughter #1 walking through Boston Commons, yesterday.

     Daughter #1 hat shopping.  The girl loves hats.

            As well she should.  In the T (Boston subway):

     This is a house in her neighborhood.  Note the tree growing under and in the porch.  Its branches also cover the entire length of the porch.  

     These are the donuts we smuggled into the movie theatre -- in an Apple bag.  Who says we aren't spy-material??

     This is proof of what she's doing to me .... and to herself!  She's putting a band aid onto her toe because of all of the walking!
     Here we are in the theatre.  I, too, bought a hat.  Unfortunately I do not pull it off as well as she does.

     The obligatory tennis courts shot (Boston Commons):

     This fine establishment was where we had dinner:

     Boston skyline from the Harbor:
                                     Harbor shot:
     Not sure if you can read this box, but it says East India Tea Company on it.  OK ..... really?!!

I did NOT just fall off of the turnip truck yesterday!

     This morning in the T.  We're getting a bit more tired-looking each day (and, it would appear, less favorable of my picture taking).

     These shots were for me playing around with the camera (on the grounds of Harvard):

     Eating shrimp at the Barking Crab.  They bark?  Who knew?!

     I love the churches in Boston:

     Daughter #1 buying some herb plants at an outdoor market downtown:

     This ends the pictorial tour.  

     And as for my Visa ..... we kind of know where it is.  I figured out that I had left it at a restaurant on Sunday.  The waitress did not work yesterday and the manager said it wasn't there.  I called tonight and yes, she did have it and she turned it in to another manager, who then turned it over to a 3rd member to put into the safe.  This he did not do.  And he was not at work today.  The first manager has left a message for him to see what he did with it.  He feels bad about it, but I'll give him a huge hug if I can get it tomorrow.  So far no one is using it --- unless manager #3 has run off to Rio with it and the charge hasn't gone through yet.

  So please keep praying.

     My mom seems to be hanging in there.  Nat took her to lunch yesterday.  I think K was taking them out to dinner tonight.  

She and Gabby are getting on well.  Although she told me that Gabby and Rigby have gotten into the paint.  I wonder if they did it to each other?

So all in all this has been a great trip.  I'm drinking in all of the time with Daughter #1.

But I've been dealing with some strange stuff.  Well, I think it's strange, but again .... I've never walked through this valley before.

I keep having flashbacks from the hospital.  From the time spent with Jim, the time in the waiting room with friends and the kids, waiting for the doctors .... to the worst flashback ..... going to see him when it was all over.  It's like a movie when a character flashes back to some war scene or something and everything around him in the present fades away.  

I was sitting on the subway this afternoon and suddenly everything faded and there I was .... looking at him again.  Wishing he would open his eyes.  Wishing I had stayed longer with him ... before and after.  

Wishing .........

I don't believe in wishes anymore.

Add it to the list.

P.S.  OMG, it's time for an Ambien.  She's making me watch Hilary.

HELP ME!!!

Fun and melancholy

This is daughter #1 with her daddy and her favorite stuffed animal --- Grover.
Oh for the days of Grover.
     

     

     Today we slept in.  No surprise there (though I did do my motherly duty last night and asked her what church she had joined so I'd know where we would be going.  I'll leave the response to your imagination).

     We left around noon because I had gone on line and discovered that there is a Cambridge Galleria.  Who knew?!

     We spent the day there.



      We shopped for winter clothes for her (while I laughed on the inside because I don't really have a "winter" and she's going to freak out from the first cold front.   And then she'll go to Moscow in February.  Her poor body.

     We ate an early dinner.  I got my hair cut because it was driving me crazy.  We came home and are now watching the end and the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

We've had fun.

And yet, I was also sad.

Sad because Jim will never experience this with her.  With me, with her.

And sad because I had another first today.  This wave of sadness surprised me as it broke over me.  I don't know why .... they usually do.  I'm not sure why God allows these waves .... right about the time when I think I'm doing O.K.  

I try to not think that but sometimes I just do.  I should know better.

Anyway, back to this wave.

I bought myself some jewelry today.  And that made me sad.  Not at first, but then, as I said, it was a wave.  It crashed down on me while I was checking out.  It took a lot out of me to not cry. I did not want to terrify the poor sales girl.

I've never really bought myself jewelry, really.  I didn't have to.  Jim learned (after a bit) to have great taste in jewelry and he loved giving it to me.  Our local shop knew him well.  THEY should have sent me a sympathy card!

The wave hit as I was checking out.  I was so sad that I was having to do this myself and not requesting something for Christmas.  Don't get me wrong .... it's not that I miss getting jewelry from him (OK, maybe a bit) ..... I just miss him.  And this was just another instance that slammed into my head and heart.  

My heart hurts.  

I wish it could be fixed.  But it never will.  It will always be missing him.  Missing my other half.

     



Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

What I believe ....

 ..... is this:
http://abcnews.go.com/search?searchtext=Chapman&type=

     This is an interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family after the death of their 5 year old daughter/sister, Maria, this past May.

I could not explain better how I have my faith and yet have questions and real human feelings.

P.S.  The cats hate the dog.  Well, George and Rigby hate the dog.  Colby seems to be saying, "Whatever." and puts up with her presence.    The dog loves the cats.  The cats stalk the dog.  The dog wants to play with the cats.  Rigby has been pouting since Friday night and won't come near me.  

Gabby is great .... mess and all.  I can't explain it.  Either you get it or you don't.  And either way it's OK.

Bandages and wounds

This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day, 2006.  I think it was the last whole family picture we took.  That makes me sadder than I can say.

     Well,  we did not blow away.  I hate to be the one who says, "I told you so." but ...... wait, who the heck am I kidding?!!  I LOVE to be the one who says that!!!  Ha to all of the panicking people out there!

     We did absolutely nothing today.  It rained all day and I stayed in my jammies until 4:00.  

Yay for tropical storms that just peter out during the day.

     Tonight I went to dinner with my new group of friends.  There were 4 of us and next week there may be more.  Four women who like each other's company and are all members of the same sucky club.  We hate this club.  We like each other very much.

  R came, of course.  This was our 3rd time together.  S came with me, this was her first time. And then K came.  She's brand new.  To us and to this sucky club.  Her husband died 3 weeks ago.  She's 28.  Twenty-freaking-eight.  sigh

     We talked a lot.  We listened a lot.  I am so glad we have found each other.  We hate that we had to find each other but we're glad that we did.  Hard to explain .... unless you're a member.  I hope you never become a member.

    

      I know this is getting redundant, but I miss Jim.  It never goes away.  It never gets better.  My outside looks great, though.  I bet there are quite a few people who look at me and think, "She seems to be doing pretty well."   Well, that and about $20,000 (back in the 80's) would get you a BA in Theatre.  As they used to say on SNL in the "old days", "ACTING!!!"

     This is not to say that my life sucks.  It does not.  I have my children and they are healthy.  They all love God and they are ALL great kids.  I am so thankful that God loaned them to Jim and I.  I hope we've mostly done Him proud.

     I have a home (granted, it looks like it's been through parts of WWII, but it's a great home).  I have wonderful family members --- lots of them, and they love me.   I have lots of wonderful friends.  Lots.  More than one person should have, I think. 

     I had the most wonderful husband in the world .... for a long time.  Not long enough, but it will have to do.  He was not perfect .... not at all.  But he was a good man.  He was a great father and a wonderful husband.  His love will last me for the rest of my life.  It has to.

     I have a God who is The God.  He walks me through this valley..... sometimes He carries me.

     So I am aware of the blessings in my life.  There are more than I can list.  But I am also aware of the gaping wound in me ..... the hole in my life.  The wound that will never heal.  Never.  I may learn to bandage it better, to camouflage it with makeup, but it will never heal.  

We all have our wounds.

Some have better bandages than others.

Still here .....

...... in spite of the fact that I don't hear my body speaking to me until it's screaming.  Hmmmm, I wonder if the kids would say that, too?

Today was better --- the pain in my back eased up, though I later started having shooting pains in other places.  Still, not too bad ...... until tonight.  Now my body seems to be mad that I took it out to dinner with the boys (but hey, only for about an hour) and it's mad that I didn't listen to D (who's only a nurse) and take pain meds today.  I figured that since I could deal with it better today I didn't want to feel wiped out.  She told me to keep taking them during the day since the pain comes in waves and it would be bad to have a wave hit and not be medicated.

     Well,  surf's up!   Still not as bad as yesterday and hopefully it will stay that way.  Even though I didn't keep up with the meds.

I admit it --- I'm a horrible patient.  

Go figure.  :)

Oh, and just to show how very strange the human mind can be --- or at least mine, .... my phone rang yesterday afternoon, and my mind instantly thought it might be Jim calling from work (and this was before I was medicated).  

I hate that.  I wish my mind would stop doing that.

It's not the moment that I think it's Jim that I hate. 

It's the remembering.  The remembering that it can't be him.

Remembering --- it can a tricky thing.

It's always something .....

Short post.  

I'm supposed to be on my way to the Foreigner concert with my 3 sons.  Instead, I'm laying in bed, waiting for some super-duper pain meds to kick in.  It would seem that I have a kidney stone.  I've never had anything like this before.  Not fun.  

Didn't sleep much last night because my back hurt.  I kept wondering how I'd managed to pull a back muscle when all I did was drive to dinner last night!!!

Anyway, it got worse and worse today so I finally called the doctor this afternoon ----- 3:00 on a Friday --- what are the odds?  They told me to come right in, which I did.  They did the test and then she said it was either a kidney infection or stone(s).  She sent me over for a STAT ct scan (because we just haven't had enough of those this year!).  She said they may end up admitting me.  I haven't heard anything from the CT results.  In the meantime she told me to load up on the meds, drink tons of liquids and see how it goes.  If the pain meds don't handle the pain then I have to go to an ER.  

It could be a very exciting weekend.

:(

7 months

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was almost 2.  He was a fish.

So, seven months.  Seven long and yet oh, so short, months.

Sigh.

I realized something today as I was contemplating this post.  I have discovered, after 7 months, that the pain does not "get better".  It will never "get better".  

The pain will always be there, in my heart and sometimes in every part of my body.  It will not go away.  The thing that changes, though, is that I learn to live with it.  

I think it must be something akin to losing a limb.  The pain of the loss is always there.  It never goes away ..... you just learn how to live with it.

I'm sure that's how it was for Jim after he lost his eye in a gun accident (in 2001).  He learned to live without it.  Every day.  The loss was huge and something that never "got better".  He learned to adapt and live differently in some ways.  But he always missed it and never, ever "forgot" about it.  Never.  Neither did I, but now I get how deeply he felt the loss, even after 6 years.

I think it's like having a chronic pain problem.  You either learn to live with it, and live in spite of it, or you give up and become miserable -- or you REALLY give up.  Some days it's a difficult decision.

I wish that I'd been given a choice --- the choice to lose something else.  I would've gladly given up my legs, or arms, or eyes and even ears.  As long as he would still be here and I could have him.  As long as I could physically feel him and know he's there ... no matter what.

I wish I could've chosen.  

I get lost ....

.... in this picture.  Very, very lost.

Not all of the time, but many times.  

It's my favorite picture of Jim.  I have a framed 8x10 in my bedroom; we have it in the family room, I have it on my computer.  

But sometimes ..... like today, I get lost in it.

     My plan when I sat down at my computer was to tell you all of the positive things that have happened to me since Jim's death.  Because of his death, really.  That was my plan.

The best laid plans ....

     I sat down and looked at this picture.  And the strong dam that I'd been trying to keep up for quite some time now (if you read &/or see me regularly you'd have to agree) began to crack.  Ever so slightly, but once a dam cracks there's no stopping it.  

I stared at his picture and then ran my fingers across it and told him how very much I miss him.  And the dam fell.

I had to get in the shower so that I could cry --- I have found it to be the one safe place to cry.

I should've stayed in longer but I didn't want anyone having to check on me to see if I'd drowned or something.  

So there you go.  Just when I start to fool even myself into thinking I have it all together .... I get lost.

I am lost.  And I am scared and so lonely without him.  I am scared of the future and of it not containing him.  

And please don't write about how God is here and I don't need to be scared.  I know that ... I really do.  But all I want to say to that right now is, "Blah, blah, blah.".  Is that horrible?  No, I think it's honest.  And so very, very easy for so many people to say.  So many married people.  

     OK, I have to stop crying now and blow my nose and leave my room.  We're going out to see the new Will Smith movie.  That will be good.  It will be entertaining and reality will be suspended .... for about 90 minutes.

Wish I could find something that lasts longer.

Happy Father's Day, Honey.

Well, another first for all of us. Our first Father's Day without you. We didn't talk a lot about what the day was. In fact, we all voted to not go to church. Stop frowning. We couldn't deal with it. Not this year. Maybe not any year, I don't know. But we thought of you. All through the day. J & J took the kids and me out on their boat for the day. We had a good time. I missed you. The kids tubed and I thought how much you would have loved to have been driving that boat. And how hard you would've laughed when Son #3 flipped through the air 3 complete times before hitting the water on one of his blowouts.
And I thought how proud you'd be when Son #3 got up on skis the 2nd time he tried. He did such a great job. I hoped that you were right there with him, helping him stay up.
I also thought that Son #2 looks so much like you that it takes my breath away once in a while.
I had hoped that all 6 kids would be with me at the same time today, but Daughter #3 had to get back to school this afternoon. And Son #1's bus got a flat on the way back home today. So they were a bit delayed. I don't know when we'll all be together again. Maybe you could put a word in with God and make sure we at least get to spend time together over Christmas? I imagine you and He have lots of conversations. You always loved to learn new things so I imagine that you're learning quite a bit up there.
I tried to call your dad a couple of times but he wasn't home. But I left messages, telling him Happy Father's Day and that we love and miss him.
I hope you had a great Father's Day being with THE Father. That must be so awesome. Unless you're singing all of the time. I know that wasn't one of your favorite activities .... unless you were torturing the kids in the car with the "Frito Bandito" song.
:)
I still hate being here without you, but I think I'm doing better. I guess you'd be proud of me, though I'm not sure why. Maybe just because I'm still here. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing a much better job at being a mother. I miss your encouragement. I miss your unconditional love and support. I miss holding your hand and I miss laughing with you. A lot.
My heart still hurts.... horribly. I can't see an end to that. I wish there was some kind of medication I could take to make that go away. That would be a great invention. Maybe.
Maybe we need to experience the hurt so that we never forget the love.
As if that's humanly possible for me. Or the kids.
They love and miss you .... oh so much.
Happy Father's Day, Honey. You are an incredible father.
I love you.

Changes

This is my little dorky husband. Still on the honeymoon. I love him. So. Very. Much.

So I picked out a couple of tiles today. I really like them. And my old tile starts getting ripped out tomorrow!! Changes. I hope they are good for me. I think they will be --- when they're done. I'm just setting my mind on the fact that my house will be a wreck. For a very long time. Those of you who know me know that this is huge for me. I do not like my house to be a mess. I do not like any room to be a mess. Or disorganized. So, this is a very big deal. Probably not for many people. But it is for me. So if I look like a nervous wreck for the next few months, you'll all know why. But I am looking forward to having it done. I'm looking forward to the house looking different. My kids are not. They would like things to remain the same. I do not. I need them to be different. And I now have a dictatorship -- so I get what I want. I also have the check book.

In other news --- I'm going to have to get another shot in my shoulder in a couple of days. My shoulder started hurting in Cabo and it has gotten worse over the last few days. Today I thought I was going to cry. Not because of the pain but because it surprised and depressed me. I thought this was behind me. But Dr. K says that sometimes it takes several injections. Of course it does ---- for me. Sigh. I wonder how many margaritas it will take to make me not care when he does it? Any guesses? I don't want to throw up on him -- I just want to not care. Can you get Demerol in a pill?! That helped me to not care during labor -- I figure it would work for a huge injection into my muscles.

Daughter #1 leaves for Boston on Tuesday. Another day that I'm trying to push out of my mind. Denial --- not just a river in Egypt.
Another change. But not as fun as the changes to the house. But I am excited for her and for what lies ahead of her. I hope she enjoys this time in her life.

Let's see --- what else is going on? Oh, Son #2 has taken to walking around the house without a shirt on. For those of you who remember the picture of his butt not being covered by his pants ...... imagine. Ugh. The boy loves to show off his body. Or as much as he can get away with. I told him to enjoy it while he can. I doubt that any of those parts will be uncovered on and after August 16th. Meanwhile, I hope that my teeth are not ground to stubs by then. Picking my battles. With a lot of effort.

Oh ---- here's a job for you --- all of you!
I'm supposed to take two pieces of writing with me to the writer's conference next week. I will take 2 of my blog entries but I have absolutely no idea which ones. Can you make recommendations for me? SS --- what do you think? I've never done this before and I still don't consider myself a writer, but I'm going to play along and want to be prepared. I need your help.

So, please give me your thoughts. Don't make me beg --- everyone asks what they can do .... now you know. You have an assignment.

Or you could bring me dinner.

Whatever. I'm not picky.

:)

Little waves

This is my sweetheart on our honeymoon. We went on a cruise ..... and had a great time. What a cutie.

Today I spent over 2 hours signing Son #2 up for summer school. It was a bit draining. I had to wait in a long line, only to be given a ticket and told to head to the gym, where there were already over 200 people ahead of me. And it was freezing. Not just cold, but freezing. Everyone complained about it. Someone on the school board needs to look into how much money we're paying for energy bills. I think we could save a lot of money just in the gym at AHS!
Anyway, I finally had my number called, went into another gym and waited in another line. When I finally made it to the table the woman looked at my paperwork and then said she had no idea what the counselor had intended when she filled it out and she was going to turn me away to go back to his counselor and come back tomorrow. I asked her if she was telling me that I had been waiting for 2 hours for her to just send me home? She said sorry. Then she had someone look up Son #2's information on their system. After they brought it up she laughed and pointed at the screen and asked the other woman, "Did you see that?" I was wondering what she found so funny. Then she said, "That's impossible. We can't process this. They need to correct this. You can't exempt a final when you're failing a class!". And then I understood. I asked, "Are you talking about the finals for the first semester?" She said yes. I said, "He didn't exempt them. His father died and he didn't have to take them." And then she understood. The light dawned and she knew who I was. And then I started to cry. I tried so hard not to. I mean, there were hundreds of people in that room. But it was another wave. I didn't want to be there. I was upset that it seemed I had wasted my whole morning, freezing, all to no avail. And then I had to explain what happened when Jim died. I couldn't help it. And then she felt horrible. She took my hand and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." I told her it was OK. I just wanted to get out of there. But after that everything moved pretty quickly. It only took another 30 minutes or so. It helps when they recognize the name.
Little waves.
And V cannot come for a visit. It seems that huge storms hit Oklahoma last night and she couldn't get a flight out today. Or tomorrow. So we will wait until July when she can come and stay longer. I'm looking forward to that. I'm sorry that she can't come this week, but I'm OK with putting it off if that means more time with her later.
I went to a movie this afternoon and made two new friends. I can always use more friends.
I joined another tennis team yesterday. My old team kind of fell apart so I decided to join this team. The women on it seem to be a lot of fun and they also seem to really enjoy each other. I need that, too. More friendships. If I didn't join this team then I would've sat out for a season and I was really afraid that I would stop playing tennis as much if I did that. It's too easy to stop doing things and I have to watch out for that.
So tomorrow I play in a match and then I'm going with the decorator and Daughter #1 to pick out a floor tile for the kitchen, which should be torn apart in a few days.
I'm also trying to really ignore the fact that this Sunday is Father's Day. I'd like to take the kids somewhere and avoid the whole day. It may be a lake weekend.
More waves.
Next week is the writer's conference in NC. I haven't really put much thought into it, but I'm looking forward to it. More time with friends and hopefully meeting more new friends.
Friends help me stand up after the waves hit.
I think we need as many as we can get.
Thank God for friends.

I'm too tired ....

.... to post tonight. It's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer.
I miss Jim. He should be here, running this. Not me.
He should be. Here.

With hope

This is Jim and Son #2, snoozing ..... again. In 1993.

I heard another song today. Unfortunately, the reason I heard it is because of the tragedy in Steven Curtis Chapman's family. His 5 year old daughter was killed yesterday. So when I got in the car this morning the radio station was talking about it and played this song, that he wrote some time ago, ironically. I thought it really fit for me and my children, too.

"With Hope"

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
-Steven Curtis Chapman

With hope. And certainty.

The girls and I watched a goofy chick flick today -- "A Lot Like Love". It wasn't that great of a movie, but towards the end one of the characters said something that made me pause. The main character was depressed with the way his life was going and his brother told him, "This is your life. Right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."
It doesn't. It moves on. I have to decide whether or not to move on with it. I need to keep moving. Trust me, there are days when all I want to do is find an exit. I hope those days grow fewer and fewer. I am told they will, but I've never done this before so I have no experience. All I'm told is to expect to grieve at least two years. Like I can put a time frame on my pain from having my heart ripped apart. I'm not counting the months ... just hoping to go from breath to breath.

I thought I'd share my pictures from the beach. The moon was incredibly beautiful while I was there. I took quite a few pictures of it rising.









I get to go to the beach again .... Cabo! Someone with a wonderful heart is giving me her condo to use for a few days. Thank you, L. I am looking forward to seeing white sand and blue water. And listening to the waves again. In peace and quiet. Which of course means that no children are involved. Another notch for Mother of the Year!!! Oh well.
As long as I leave enough money for pizza they should be happy. Or most of them, anyway. You can't please everybody all of the time.
If you don't believe that then you need to borrow six children for about a week.
And let me know how it goes. :)