This is one of those pictures that doesn't need any words about love. It's there.
OK, let me just warn you upfront. This is going to be a weird post. I'm going to try to explain something that I felt yesterday but I don't really know how to explain it, and I wonder how many people are just going to think I some weirdo. I've already told you that I have difficulty stating my emotions, so this post is huge. Well, for me. Probably not for you.
Yesterday while I was sitting in that chair, having my roots canaled (or rather, having my canals un-rooted), I suddenly felt very emotional. It was all I could do to stare at the ceiling very, very hard, so that I wouldn't cry. And since I spent the rest of my energy trying to keep my palms from sweating, that effort was extremely difficult.
Here's the "hard to describe" part: the endodontist sat on my right and had to work on the left side of my mouth (strenuously, as I already told you) and so my face was turned in to him. He had his left arm around my head and it worked from the left side of my mouth. His right hand, of course, worked on the right side of my mouth. But the way we were both positioned made my head almost laying against his chest. Not quite, but only about a millimeter from it.
And suddenly, I realized how much physical contact I have been missing.
Before I go any further (and I'm trying not to cry now), get your minds out of the gutter! I am not talking about sex, I'm talking about just being that close to Jim. Just resting my head against his chest. Just having his arm around me. Just having him hug me. Or hold my hand. It was another one of those blows right to the gut. It hit me very quickly -- I never saw it coming. And there I lay --- his arms wrapped around my head, my mouth pried open and several gadgets protruding from it ..... and trying to keep control of myself so that I didn't scare the poor man and his assistant and make them think they'd done something horribly wrong.
I was very proud of myself for keeping it all together.
But sometimes, when you keep it all together for a while, there comes a time when you suddenly don't.
This is that time.
I miss his touch.
6 comments:
not weird at all. beautifully moving actually. there are so so many things you must miss, and each one seems like it must be mourned in its own way and in its own time as it reveals itself to your heart.
Awwww...I can TOTALLY understand how you would have that reaction. I don't think it's weird, I think it's almost to be expected. That's awful, bit it just IS.
Often, when I'm thinking about you, I think about how my life would change if I lost Tosh. It's almost unimaginable...and so painful even to think about. There is SO much that I would miss...and the loss of the closeness, both physical and emotional would be devastating. Janine, I'm glad that you are sharing these moments, because it reminds me to pray and tell you how much I love you. I wish I could take that pain and bear it for you, if even for a day or two, just to give you a rest.
I just know that Jim is hugging you from Heaven...and while all of the grief might keep you from feeling it, you can bet that he wouldn't miss a day to hug his best girl!
It's been quite a while since I read your blog and cried...but I am now. I just love you so much.
Lis
yep, know exactly what you mean. i so miss my huggy-husband...
Me too. It is the touch. The hand on the shoulder - the leaning back at the kitchen sink against him, a hand reaching for mine, a hug. I don't want to think how long it has been - it still hurts. You are NOT alone. I am surrounded by wonderful friends - all couples. They have not got a clue what I am feeling, and I hope they never do.
Wow. and that's not a WOW it's a wow like when your shoulders sag and you let out a big breath. and then the tears come. As in one of the previous comments. I wish I could take your pain for at least a couple days and replace it with a few days of laughs and all that's wonderful. :-(
I just found you by accident and my heart hurts for you. My prayers are with you and your family. *HUG* and God bless.
Post a Comment