7 months

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was almost 2.  He was a fish.

So, seven months.  Seven long and yet oh, so short, months.

Sigh.

I realized something today as I was contemplating this post.  I have discovered, after 7 months, that the pain does not "get better".  It will never "get better".  

The pain will always be there, in my heart and sometimes in every part of my body.  It will not go away.  The thing that changes, though, is that I learn to live with it.  

I think it must be something akin to losing a limb.  The pain of the loss is always there.  It never goes away ..... you just learn how to live with it.

I'm sure that's how it was for Jim after he lost his eye in a gun accident (in 2001).  He learned to live without it.  Every day.  The loss was huge and something that never "got better".  He learned to adapt and live differently in some ways.  But he always missed it and never, ever "forgot" about it.  Never.  Neither did I, but now I get how deeply he felt the loss, even after 6 years.

I think it's like having a chronic pain problem.  You either learn to live with it, and live in spite of it, or you give up and become miserable -- or you REALLY give up.  Some days it's a difficult decision.

I wish that I'd been given a choice --- the choice to lose something else.  I would've gladly given up my legs, or arms, or eyes and even ears.  As long as he would still be here and I could have him.  As long as I could physically feel him and know he's there ... no matter what.

I wish I could've chosen.  

Still breathing ....

This is Jim & Son #3 around July 4th last year.

Yesterday we stayed around the house (well, after running a couple of errands, which included the boys getting another game.  Nominate me now --- MOY (Mother of the Year).

I read by the pool and mostly had a quiet day.  Holidays ...... just aren't my thing any more.  I hope that changes some day.

In the evening we grilled burgers and had a great "typical" July 4th dinner.  Then we watched the fireworks from the Del Mar racetrack/fairgrounds.

They were pretty darn good.  Here are a couple of shots that Daughter #2 took:

J also took some that I hope to add later.

Today we didn't have anything planned, just hung around the house most of the morning.  We took S's crib down (they put her in a "big girl bed" earlier this week.  Then we all moved the furniture around in her room.  It looks great.  I love moving furniture and creating a new look out of my ordinary stuff.  Jim never knew what the living rooms was going to look like when he came home from work.  I'd always try to do it when he'd be coming home in the daylight .... so he didn't fall over the newly-positioned couch or ottoman, much like poor Dick VanDyke does on Nick at Nite.

Anyway, then we started talking about the different beaches in the area and the sights to see.  Next thing we knew we were loaded up in two cars and heading towards Laguna Beach.  Not to actually go to the beach (with the millions of holiday beach-goers) but to see the sights and look around .... and then have a wonderful dinner at a swanky Mexican restaurant.  Our table overlooked the water --- it was beautiful.

Here are a couple of pics:

Now we are home, hanging around and relaxing after the drive back.  

Thanks for the call today D.  It was nice to talk to a friend.  No worries about me moving here.  As I said, my mom would TOTALLY kill me!!!  Although the weather does indeed make it tempting.  :)

Tomorrow should be a relaxing day --- getting stoked up for Monday when I think the kids and I will head to the outlet mall.  That will require copious amounts of energy.

We.  Shall.  See.