7 months

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was almost 2.  He was a fish.

So, seven months.  Seven long and yet oh, so short, months.

Sigh.

I realized something today as I was contemplating this post.  I have discovered, after 7 months, that the pain does not "get better".  It will never "get better".  

The pain will always be there, in my heart and sometimes in every part of my body.  It will not go away.  The thing that changes, though, is that I learn to live with it.  

I think it must be something akin to losing a limb.  The pain of the loss is always there.  It never goes away ..... you just learn how to live with it.

I'm sure that's how it was for Jim after he lost his eye in a gun accident (in 2001).  He learned to live without it.  Every day.  The loss was huge and something that never "got better".  He learned to adapt and live differently in some ways.  But he always missed it and never, ever "forgot" about it.  Never.  Neither did I, but now I get how deeply he felt the loss, even after 6 years.

I think it's like having a chronic pain problem.  You either learn to live with it, and live in spite of it, or you give up and become miserable -- or you REALLY give up.  Some days it's a difficult decision.

I wish that I'd been given a choice --- the choice to lose something else.  I would've gladly given up my legs, or arms, or eyes and even ears.  As long as he would still be here and I could have him.  As long as I could physically feel him and know he's there ... no matter what.

I wish I could've chosen.  

This day I choose ....

.... to smile. The smile may feel numb, but it's there.

The first picture is of Jim & Daughter #1. This was one of the first in a long line of traditional photos. A very long line.
The second picture is also of Daughter #1. This one was taken right before we put a nipple on a beer bottle and sat it next to her for a picture. Yes, it may be in the "book".

So Son #2 is talking (aloud) about the military school. Yesterday he sent off for some info to the Marines. He's thinking maybe they'll come and get him. If only THAT were that easy! I expect our mailbox to be full of marine stuff over the next few years. Hoo-yah.
He's also been bragging to girls about how "hot" he'll look in uniform. I told him (after I threw up in my mouth a little) that I thought it might go against marine rules to try to seduce women while in uniform. Maybe not, but it should be.
Today was a very quiet day. Tonight Daughter #1, #3 and I are going to the opening night of Daughter #1's last play at this theatre. It's supposed to be funny.
Daughter #2 went back to Waco this morning to finish her last 2 finals. Those two professors gave her time off to go to Oklahoma and said she could take them after she came back --- when she was ready. See? Most of the people at the school are very compassionate and kind.
OK, that's it for today. I have to go change my clothes because Daughter #1 told me that I might stand out wearing flip flops. Excuse me? These are not flip flops! These are Coach sandals, dad gummit!!!
It would seem that she doesn't care about the brand, only how I will look standing next to her, with my huge neon sign that read's "I'm Daughter #1's MOM!!!!!!".
Pu-lease --- I have more class than that! I'm going to take the sign that says, "I'm with Stupid ----->"
:)

Moving forward

     This is another picture from my 40th birthday party.  Jim and a few wonderful friends.  I love these people.

     Today was a very yucky, rainy day.  So Daughter #1 and I stayed home and watched movies together (and did a bit of work, too).  It was nice.  I'm sorry to say that I missed a friend's birthday lunch (I'm sorry CT).  But I wasn't in the mood for a birthday lunch.  So, rather than go and paste on a smile, I decided to stay home with my daughter.  I think it was a good choice.

     I have decided to renovate the kitchen (the entire house, eventually).  Jim and I had decided to do that but we kept putting it off.  I am now ready.  I've chosen a decorator and she and Daughter #1 and I went granite shopping on Friday.  And appliance shopping.  It was good.  I'm looking forward to changing the kitchen and family room area this summer.  As soon as Son #1 graduates we are tearing things up.  

     My children are less enthused.  I can understand that they don't want things to change.  But I need for things to change.  I cannot keep them the way they were, because actually, things will never be the same again.  So I need change.  I need a new look.  I need something different.  And besides, they're all going to leave anyway.  I want to enjoy my home.

      So this gives me something to look forward to.  Something to hopefully make sure that I do wake up on the 28th, though there are no guarantees.  

     Son #3 washed my car yesterday.  He did an awesome job ---- inside and out.  It looks wonderful.

     Have I told you that I have great children?  Because I do ..... just in case you hadn't heard.

     So Son #1 has his senior prom in 2 weeks (I forgot to add his prom to the "event" list).  He has a tux .... yay!!!  But he has yet to order a corsage.  For those of you who have read this blog since September you know that he completely failed to order one for the winter formal.  And so was forced to buy one at twice the price --- on the DAY OF the dance.  So one would think that he would take care of this quite earlier, would one not?  Well, one would be wrong.  He seems to be in no hurry to get this done, in spite of my prodding and pushing.  Or maybe because of my pushing and prodding.  

He has to show that he is in complete control --- whether he is or not.  All I know is that I'm going to throttle him if he doesn't get one ordered in the next day or so.  After all, I'm coming from the female perspective.  The one that says, "You'd better get a nice corsage and not just a stinking cheap carnation because you failed to plan ahead!!

     Daughter #1 is busy apartment-hunting in Cambridge (over the internet).  She is quickly learning that an apartment advertised at 9:00 a.m. is not guaranteed to be around by noon on the same day.  It's a totally different world.  

    And she is now in a world of debt..... also a totally different world.  She sent in all of her student loan apps.  She's on her own for grad school, something she's always known and is doing surprisingly well with.  She is my number 1 cheapskate.  That girls abhors spending her own money.  Always has.  So this should be an interesting year.  All she asks of me is that I come up once a season and take her clothes shopping.  I think I can handle that.  :)

     Well, that's it for tonight.  Thank you for each and every comment.  You don't know how much they mean to me.  

So. Very. Much.