7 months

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was almost 2.  He was a fish.

So, seven months.  Seven long and yet oh, so short, months.

Sigh.

I realized something today as I was contemplating this post.  I have discovered, after 7 months, that the pain does not "get better".  It will never "get better".  

The pain will always be there, in my heart and sometimes in every part of my body.  It will not go away.  The thing that changes, though, is that I learn to live with it.  

I think it must be something akin to losing a limb.  The pain of the loss is always there.  It never goes away ..... you just learn how to live with it.

I'm sure that's how it was for Jim after he lost his eye in a gun accident (in 2001).  He learned to live without it.  Every day.  The loss was huge and something that never "got better".  He learned to adapt and live differently in some ways.  But he always missed it and never, ever "forgot" about it.  Never.  Neither did I, but now I get how deeply he felt the loss, even after 6 years.

I think it's like having a chronic pain problem.  You either learn to live with it, and live in spite of it, or you give up and become miserable -- or you REALLY give up.  Some days it's a difficult decision.

I wish that I'd been given a choice --- the choice to lose something else.  I would've gladly given up my legs, or arms, or eyes and even ears.  As long as he would still be here and I could have him.  As long as I could physically feel him and know he's there ... no matter what.

I wish I could've chosen.  

We made it ....

.... past 6 months.
Did you notice that I refrained from mentioning it yesterday? Well, that's because it wasn't past the 18th yet. That number that I hope will someday not be the dreaded, awful number that it is. After all, it's not the 18th's fault. And it's certainly not December 18th's fault that it also happens to be my sister, brother and step-dad's birthday. Can you believe it? I still can't. That seems to be a cruel hoax .... or is it something else on which to focus that day? If so, we'll see if that's possible. Maybe in time.
I am in the beautiful state of Virginia now. I have yet to eat a ham! What gives?
But I've sat and talked for hours and hours with two wonderful friends and had some wine with them. We've laughed and we've cried, but mostly we've laughed. It's been a good couple of days. Tomorrow we head to North Carolina. It's a 400 mile car ride, but the scenery will be beautiful and the time together with them will be priceless, so I'm not complaining.
And tomorrow afternoon and the following 2 days I hope to meet some more amazing women. And I really hope to hear God's prompting. So if you could pray for that I'd be grateful. I'm not sure where all of this will lead, if anywhere. All I know is that if God wants to tell me something He's going to have to yell very, very loudly --- or hit me over the head to make me pay attention (the whole trauma-induced ADD thing, ya know).
Today I was getting something out of my suitcase and I noticed a piece of notebook paper. It was a letter from Daughter #2, telling me how much she loves me and that she hopes this is a great trip. It made me cry --- it was so ...... perfect.
I -- have -- amazing -- children. Really. I would not be here it if weren't for them (and my also amazing family and friends). Today is a day in which I can say, "I'm glad I'm here." That doesn't happen a lot so I'm grateful when it does.
Daughter #1 has moved into her summer apartment and likes it. She was a bit lonely today and a little depressed. I wish I could be there with her, to check out Cambridge and Boston and to make it a fun time before classes start. The "mom" in me hates this. I wish I could see her. She'll do fine -- I know that. It's just tough at first to not know an entire soul in the city -- state --- where you live.
OK, time to go say good night. We have to leave around 7:00 a.m.
Hello and good night to my lovely children and all of my friends and family. You are missed.
I'll try to post from NC!!!
For now I'll just say "Night, y'all." --- And those who haven't answered the discussion question need to get with it!!!

Almost forgot .....

....... to leave you with a question.

If there was any one person, living or dead -- from any time in the history of man, with whom you could have an hour long conversation, who would it be? Why?
And don't say Jesus, because that's a given.

There you go.
Discuss amongst yourselves. I'll be checking!

I ran away....

.... well, sort of. I'm at the beach for a couple of days. An unexpected trip tonight, but I figured it was needed. There's not a consistent Internet connection so I'm not sure when I'll post again. But let me leave you with a question -- stop groaning!!
Last night I had a strange dream: I was in a small boat (kyak or a row boat) out in the middle of the ocean... alone. Suddenly a huge blue whale ( the type, not the color) surfaced next to me. I was in awe of him and couldn't believe it. And then another one surfaced, and then another and another --- until suddenly there seemed to be almost 20 whales (give or take - could've been a lot more) surrounding me. I started to feel a little scared and wondered if I should be frightened of them or not -- they were enormous. I don't remember anything after that.
So here's my question: What, if anything, do you think that dream "meant"?
Discuss.

It took my breath away .....

..... how much he looks like Jim.
I did not cry. I couldn't breathe for a moment, but I did not cry. So yay for not embarrassing him on his prom night.
That's about it ..... tomorrow is the 18th. Five months. Sometimes it seems like last night, sometimes it seems like a lifetime.
An already-too-long lifetime.