For Widows Only ....

... I so very much hate that word.  You know the one.

I'd love to just write "For Our Circle Only" and every woman to whom that applies, the thousands and thousands of them, would know the word Circle means them.  Not just my small local Circle, but all of us.  We're all in this together and we need each other.  I chose the word Circle because a circle can grow and grow and grow, but it still remains a circle -- tightly formed, bound by grief, enclosing love and ..... hope.

     So, now that I hopefully have the attention of women in this Circle ..... I'd like to share something with you.

     Friday afternoon I received an e-mail from a very lovely woman whom I've never met.  Nor had she ever heard about me.  Not even out in cyber space.  Her name is Michele.

It seems that Michele went to her In box that day and found my blog sitting in it.  She doesn't know how, or why.  And neither do I.  

But, she happens to be a member of this circle, too .... for 3 years now. 

And she has learned, from being a member, to not take things for granted and to stop and look at what's happening around her.

So she went to my blog.

And then she sent me an e-mail.

And so I met Michele, the founder of Soaring Spirits, which I already had linked on my blog. 

She told me about finding my blog, reading it and connecting to the things I'd written.  She told me who she was and that she'd love to talk to me some time.

So I wrote her back and thanked her for her encouraging words and said I'd love to chat with her any time.

About an hour later, my phone rang.

And we talked.  And talked.  And talked.

I have met the most amazing women in this Circle.

Michele started this foundation to help us, to connect all of us and to give us hope.  That, my friends, is a mighty big job.  

But she's doing it, though I'm sure it's never been easy.  

It's easier to find support groups and help if you happen to have a heart that's broken physically, than one that's broken emotionally, spiritually AND physically.

But Michele has been working so hard that now something amazing is happening.  This coming July there will be the first ever (and hopefully annual) National Conference on Widowhood.

They have a target attendance of 2,000 women.  Two thousand of us who "get" each other.  In one place.  No searching on the internet, no trial and error of attending different support groups that don't quite fit ...... everyone in that room will fit.  Into a rather nice Circle.

So I am writing about this today to encourage all of us to try to attend this conference.  I cannot imagine the feeling of meeting so many of you whom I know, but have yet to meet.  I cannot imagine the huge sigh that will come from me as all of my inside stress, loneliness, grief, burdens and heavy, heavy masks fall to the floor that weekend.  

Just the thought of that relief makes me cry.

So go to Michele's site and see what you think.

If you decide that you want to attend you can still get the early registration price if you go with one or more friends, just contact Michele about it.

And then please let me know what you think.  

Because really ....... can you imagine?

:)

P.S.  I have met a woman new to this Circle and am looking for someone in the Friendswood,TX area who can help her find some support.  If this is you, or if you know of someone, please contact me by e-mail (jeggerstx@gmail.com)

Thank you.

I have met the most amazing people

     Well, it's another late night so I have no idea where this will go.  I don't have the energy (?) to find a picture of Jim to put here so I'm just going to "emote".

Note:  any time you see the word "emote" on my blog you should immediately run away.  If you have a Mac you should go to the top left corner and click on the X.  If you own a PC you should exit from this page (is it the top right side?  I can't remember).  

Anyway, you have been warned.  "Emote" = run away.  Proceed at your own risk.

     OK, here are some of the thoughts I've been thinking.  

First, I can NOT believe that it's been almost a year now in my "after".  A year.  Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five (six with Leap Year) days.  A milestone.  A marker.  An anniversary.  An incredibly horrible amount of time to commemorate an incredibly horrible day. 

Incredible.  Horrible.

     I know it's only been almost 10 months, but 10 months is incredibly, horribly close to 12 months.

     It seems that it's been only a moment in time.  I blinked and now it's October.  Ten months later.  I need to stop blinking.

     The next thought is about my "new normal".  I know, in my head, that I have a new "normal".  But my heart has been waiting for the old normal to show up.  My heart has been waiting for things to get better.  My heart has been wanting life to carry on in the "before" way.

And now my mind is telling my heart, "Face the facts.  Life will never, ever again be "normal".  This will never, ever get better.  Your life will never, ever be the same and you won't feel the same.  You now have to adjust to the new "after".  And one day, the "after" will become "normal".  

No matter how much I don't want that.  

     On a side note, many of you have asked about Son #2 and why I haven't posted anything for a while.  I'd love to tell you that he's doing well and is now on the right track.  I'd love to tell you that I had SO much faith that God answered my prayer and now he's doing great.

But alas, none of that is true.  

He's about the same.  Horrible.  Unhappy.  Accusing.  Blaming.  Emotional.  Regretful.  Fearful.  Un-accepting.  Un-compromsing;  

       

     Here's the next thought (if you haven't run away by now I'm giving you one last warning.  It only gets worse):

     I really, REALLY hate it when people say, "So-and-so was healed because your prayers worked."  Or "God answers prayer".  Or "If you have enough faith God will answer your prayer" or "So many people prayed for him/her that God healed him/her."

     To all of those trite and incredibly naive statements I want to answer, "Really?!?!?!!  Are you freakin' kidding me?!!".  Why is it that some peoples' prayers "work" and some don't?   Don't tell me it's the number of prayers because that has NOTHING to do with it.  I know this from personal experience.  And do NOT tell me that I did not have enough faith and so Jim died .... because that's EXACTLY what you say when you say that thing about having enough.  I had nothing but faith.  Nothing.  I had no doubt .... none, zero, zilch .... that Jim would come through that surgery with flying colors.  Not for one second.  

I.  Never.  Doubted.

And look what happened.

     If I learned anything through all of this it is this:  God is not Santa Claus.  Not even close.

We cannot give him a list of what we want or do not want and expect that He will grant our wants.  Even if that want is for physical healing of someone.  No matter how hard you pray.  No matter how many people pray.  No matter how much faith you have.

No matter.

Prayer is for you and you alone.  Prayer is for you to get closer to God.  Prayer is for you to learn to rely on God.  Prayer is for you to turn to God.  Prayer is for your relationship with God.  

Prayer is not to get your wish list.

God knows what's going to happen and what's not going to happen.  Who are we to think that we're so vital to His plan that we can change His mind?   Don't get me wrong .... I know that He loves me.  I know that He wants only good for me.  But I also know that if I weren't here He would use someone else.  

Cynical?  Maybe.  But then, all I have to go on is experience.

I love Him no less that I loved Him on December 17th, 2007.  In fact, I love Him more.  In spite.

He has been here.  Even when I don't feel Him, He's here.  He's carried me, he's wiped my tears, He's cried with me.  He is here.  

But he didn't allow Jim to live.  In spite of the prayers.  

In spite of .....

I'll never understand why and I'll never see the "good" in allowing him to die.

I can see Him using my "after" to help others.  I can see Him using my "after" for good.  But I can't see him letting Jim die so that I can see good.  I cannot believe in that kind of god.

And I can't/don't believe in a god who says, "OK, you prayed hard enough for this person....I will let him live."   Or "Hmmmm, it's too bad that you didn't pray hard enough, or get more people to pray.  Now I'm not going to let him live."

The God I believe is is not an egocentric, punitive God.  He is a God who loves me so much that He uses the horrible to do something good.  He loves me so much that He continues to bless me.  I may not see the blessings every day, but that doesn't mean they're not there.  They are.  Always.

So enough of what I believe and don't believe.

Here's what I know:  I have met the most amazing people in my "after".  The women who are on this path next to me are incredible.  It's difficult to explain to the people who are not on this path.  And I pray that you never have to get on it.  But if you do, I hope that I can walk beside you.  I hope that I can be just a fraction of the support that these women have been for me.

These are both women I've met and women I have yet to meet in person.  

My Circle of friends is such a healing group of women.  They get me.  They support me.  They listen to me without thinking I need serious psychological help.  I can say anything I feel ... and they get it.  I love being with them and miss them when we're don't get together.

And that goes for certain friends that I've "met", but haven't met.  The women who share their walk with me by encouraging me with their comments.  We've never met but we've connected.

They share their lives and their experiences on their blogs and with their comments.  They are a blessing to me.

Neo, thank you so much for calling me tonight to just check on me.  For being a concerned friend.  For giving me your time.  For caring.  

I appreciate you.  And can't wait to spend some time with you!!

     

And now it is after 11:30 at night and I can't keep my eyes 0pen.

Literally.

Have a good Thursday and thank you to those amazing women on this path who have commented.  

Good night.

7 months

This is Jim with Son #2 when he was almost 2.  He was a fish.

So, seven months.  Seven long and yet oh, so short, months.

Sigh.

I realized something today as I was contemplating this post.  I have discovered, after 7 months, that the pain does not "get better".  It will never "get better".  

The pain will always be there, in my heart and sometimes in every part of my body.  It will not go away.  The thing that changes, though, is that I learn to live with it.  

I think it must be something akin to losing a limb.  The pain of the loss is always there.  It never goes away ..... you just learn how to live with it.

I'm sure that's how it was for Jim after he lost his eye in a gun accident (in 2001).  He learned to live without it.  Every day.  The loss was huge and something that never "got better".  He learned to adapt and live differently in some ways.  But he always missed it and never, ever "forgot" about it.  Never.  Neither did I, but now I get how deeply he felt the loss, even after 6 years.

I think it's like having a chronic pain problem.  You either learn to live with it, and live in spite of it, or you give up and become miserable -- or you REALLY give up.  Some days it's a difficult decision.

I wish that I'd been given a choice --- the choice to lose something else.  I would've gladly given up my legs, or arms, or eyes and even ears.  As long as he would still be here and I could have him.  As long as I could physically feel him and know he's there ... no matter what.

I wish I could've chosen.  

Another first

Well, it's been almost 7 months and today I had another first.  I dreamed last night, and this morning, that Jim was back.  Actually it was like I had been dreaming the whole thing, a dream within a dream, I guess.  He was here and I was SO glad to have woken up and not be living in a nightmare.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  I felt so joyful and thankful.

And here's the first part:

When I woke up this morning I actually didn't know I was dreaming.  It took me a couple of minutes to realize that the dream wasn't real.  The nightmare -- totally is.

It was so strange.

But it was also a little nice.  For just a moment or so I was able to not be living in it.  I was happy.  And so relieved.

It's very difficult to explain.

I can't believe it's taken almost 7 months for that to happen.

I hate this nightmare and I so, so, SO want to wake up.

Someone please ----- please wake me up.

I get lost ....

.... in this picture.  Very, very lost.

Not all of the time, but many times.  

It's my favorite picture of Jim.  I have a framed 8x10 in my bedroom; we have it in the family room, I have it on my computer.  

But sometimes ..... like today, I get lost in it.

     My plan when I sat down at my computer was to tell you all of the positive things that have happened to me since Jim's death.  Because of his death, really.  That was my plan.

The best laid plans ....

     I sat down and looked at this picture.  And the strong dam that I'd been trying to keep up for quite some time now (if you read &/or see me regularly you'd have to agree) began to crack.  Ever so slightly, but once a dam cracks there's no stopping it.  

I stared at his picture and then ran my fingers across it and told him how very much I miss him.  And the dam fell.

I had to get in the shower so that I could cry --- I have found it to be the one safe place to cry.

I should've stayed in longer but I didn't want anyone having to check on me to see if I'd drowned or something.  

So there you go.  Just when I start to fool even myself into thinking I have it all together .... I get lost.

I am lost.  And I am scared and so lonely without him.  I am scared of the future and of it not containing him.  

And please don't write about how God is here and I don't need to be scared.  I know that ... I really do.  But all I want to say to that right now is, "Blah, blah, blah.".  Is that horrible?  No, I think it's honest.  And so very, very easy for so many people to say.  So many married people.  

     OK, I have to stop crying now and blow my nose and leave my room.  We're going out to see the new Will Smith movie.  That will be good.  It will be entertaining and reality will be suspended .... for about 90 minutes.

Wish I could find something that lasts longer.

I hate this word:

Jim, me and the boys in Alaska

..... widow.
I hate it ... I really do. Why? Good question. So here's my response -- another question: What does the word "widow" bring to your mind? To mine it's someone who's much, much older than I am. Someone with whom I have nothing in common, other than the fact that we don't have our husbands. I think of a widow as someone who had her husband for at least 50 years. They had raised their children, played with their grandchildren, retired and then traveled. They enjoyed each other's company for a long, long time. Not just almost 27 years.

I don't want to be a widow, let alone be thought of as one. I wish there was another word that describes me now. Well, aside from the obvious ones: grieving, lost, not whole, hurt, surviving, etc.

Maybe I should conduct another poll --- think of another word. A word that describes my new station in life.
And good luck.

P.S. I'm supposed to post an easy recipe so here's the easiest one I know --- Peanut butter cookies ---
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg

Bake at 350 for about 15-20 minutes.

And no, you don't use flour!!

That's it. Have fun!!