This was supposed to be a humorous post about some things I did this week .... things that I would never have attempted to do 4 years ago. But I now seem to constantly be up for a challenge .... come hell or high water.
More on that at another time.
Son #3 informed me that he planned to watch a show on National Geographic tonight at 9:00, and he intended to record it.
It's an interview with Pres. George W. Bush .... about September 11, 2001.
And I know, thirty minutes into it, that I am not going to be able to deal with all of coverage of the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day.
My stomach is churning and I feel nauseous.
My eyes are brimming with tears that I'm trying very hard to hold back.
I cannot watch those buildings fall one more time.
I cannot re-live that day.
And yet, I can't help myself.
Everything about that morning is engraved into my brain.
Jim stayed late that morning, for some unknown reason.
I had sent the kids off to school and was reading the paper and watching "Good Morning America", when ABC News broke in.
I watched the report and wondered what the heck had happened .... what kind of plane had hit the building? Was it a small plane and the pilot had had a heart attack? It seemed so surreal.
Jim was out in the garage. I think he may have been getting ready to leave, but I went out and told him that something was going wrong in NYC .... the city that we had just retuned from one week earlier, the city that has always held a special place in my heart. I told him that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. He followed me back into the kitchen and we stood there, side by side, as we watched that second plane fly into the camera shot .... and into the second building.
I'll never forget that day.
I remember going to the boys' elementary school when I knew they'd be heading to lunch. I had no idea what they knew or did not know. I had no idea what kind of emotional state my children would be in.
I walked into the lunch room and saw Son #3 sitting happily at his table, laughing and having fun with his classmates.
He did not know.
None of the kids knew anything. Thankfully.
The administrators and teachers had decided to make the day as normal as the day before.
At least until their parents picked them up.
I went to sit beside him and it was all I could do to not grab him up and hug him fiercely to my chest. I watched him for a while and then I looked up .... and caught the glance of another mom two tables over. We looked at each other with hearts full of relief and sorrow .... and eyes full of tears. And then I started looking around the cafeteria and saw that there were many moms sitting in there, watching their children and looking as shell shocked as I felt. We caught each other's eyes .... and nodded that, yes .... it was a terrible day and we could think of no other place to be.
I cannot go back to that morning.
I cannot go back to watching those planes hit .... over and over and over and over again.
I cannot watch those buildings burn, those people jump .... those buildings fall.
Buildings that Daughter #1 and I had just had dinner in months before ..... at the Top of the World. We watched the sun set. We enjoyed the service. I could only picture all of those people who worked at that restaurant .... and imagine what their families were going through that day.
I cannot go back to those dark days that followed. Days when the only thing on TV was the crashing of those planes, the falling of those buildings, .... the horror of the people on the streets of NYC, watching .... crying .... running .... in terror.
No, I did not suffer nearly as much as thousands of other wives, mothers, sisters, husbands, fathers, sons .... the list goes on and on.
No, I did not suffer one iota of the amount that a widow I know did. Her husband died that day, in those buildings.
I cannot imagine having to re-live my husband's death every time a television was turned on.
I cannot imagine having to share such a horrific moment in my life .... with the rest of the world.
I am still as full or sorrow about those attacks as I was that day.
And I wish that I could adequately say something that would honor all of those people, and all of their loved ones who will again be reminded, as if they had to be reminded, of the horror of that day .... and the days that followed.
I don't know if I feel this way because of Jim's death, but I don't really think so.
Maybe his death intensifies what I feel.
Maybe I feel his absence in the sorrow of those memories.
Maybe.
So, in knowing that I can't go through that again .... I will not be watching any of it.
I hope that I'm not dismissing anyone else's emotions, feelings, memories .... or losses of that day.
I don't mean to do that.
I just know myself a little better now .... 10 years later.
And I have grown older .... in many, many ways since then.
My heart breaks for all of the loved ones who will be remembering that day .... and feeling the waves that such an "anniversary" brings.
I send them love, strength and peace through my thoughts of them.
And that's all I can do.
I wish it were enough.
4 comments:
I remember that morning well too. I woke up to my radio going off, and the normally comedic morning show seemed awfully serious. I was still in my morning fog, not listening fully (thought maybe it was some prank they were playing), and hit snooze before heading into the shower. It was a few minutes later that Elias came in telling me that something awful had happened . . .
I don't think it shows any disrespect by not watching it. I find it so much harder to watch any type of 'event' where there is a mass of loss now (earthquake, tsunami, etc). We know the pain too well.
For Sept 11th, we all have those images burned into our minds . . . I honestly wish they would stop showing much of it - as you said, I can't imagine having to turn on the tv and watching your loved one die over and over again, knowing they were in that plane or building. My heart goes out to Abby and all the others as well, knowing the weight of loss so much more than I did at the time. I, too, wish there was more to say or do . . .
~C~
I saw the very end of the program tonight. President Bush is correct when he says those who were here when this horror happened will never forget where they were and the moments leading up to it. I admire C. for being interested enough to watch and record. For those young people who weren't here or too young to know, it is hard to understand the pulse of much of our nation's citizens.
I watched the interview. I cried again, as I do every time, when I saw the footage of the towers crashing to the ground in smoke. I was grateful for the interview though and hope that many will view it. Our president had to make decisions that no one else had ever made before. He knew that on that day, he faced a new future. One that would involve war. I was impressed when he described hearing the news while sitting in front of the classroom of small children. His first concern was remaining calm for the sake of those kids...and then for the rest of the country. I appreciate remembering the day but I too, will have to filter what I take in. It's a lot and reliving it is very painful.
Alan Jackson's "Where Were You" still makes me cry pretty much every time I hear it and completely captures that morning and the days that followed for me still. I was at work at the elementary school I teach at so the "were you teaching a class full of innocent children" line always gets me. I'm on the west coast so we all knew when we got to work that day and had to make it as normal as possible for the kids despite being shell shocked ourselves. The leadership my principal showed that morning is something I will never forget.
K
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