Monday Moments ....

.... of thankfulness.

I had a wonderful, peaceful weekend at the lake.
It was just right.
I am so thankful that I have that quiet, peaceful place to escape to.
I am blessed and I am very aware of it.  I don't take it for granted.

I take very few of my blessings for granted.
Thankfully, I always knew that Jim was the biggest blessing in my life .... and I never, ever took that for granted.

The house is quiet tonight.
Son #3 was at a retreat all weekend with a church group that he loves to be with.
He was asleep when I got home from the lake, around 5:30.
It's now 10:00 p.m. and he's still asleep.
I'm assuming that means he did not sleep this weekend.
Which probably means he had a great time.
:)

Son #2 was here when I got home, with his girlfriend and her little sister.
He had to finish cleaning the dishes so that he could leave.
He was supposed to have them done before I got home.
Girlfriends.
Sigh.

He must've been pretty entertaining while he was unloading and then loading the dishwasher.
The two of them sat nearby and couldn't seem to take their eyes off of him.
Really.
Ah, young love.

I'm thankful for my children .... for each one of them.
Even during the difficult times.
Sometimes .... especially during the difficult times.

I remember reading an article by Ann Landers (Dear Abby's sister) in the paper many, many years ago.
Jim and I were married, but we did not have children .... yet.
It seems that Ms. Landers took a poll of her readers and asked them this question:
"If you were able to live your life over again, would you still decide to have your children?"
I was stunned to read the answer.
It was an overwhelming, "No."

The majority of the people (mostly women) who wrote in said that they wished they'd never had their children and would not do it all over again.
I think that may have been the first time I really thought about our assumption that we'd have children.
That article bothered me a lot and has stayed with me to this day.  I wondered if all of the moms I knew then would've answered the same way.
I wondered if my own mother would've answered the same way.
I wondered if I would answer the same way .... years down the road.

It was beyond my comprehension that a woman could have a child and then wish that he/she had never been born.
Of course, I was only 23 at the time so a lot of things were beyond my comprehension.
Thankfully.

I love my children.
I don't regret having them.
Any of them.

Now I'd be lying if I said I've never thought differently, because I have.
But that's just what it was .... a thought.
A thought during a tough time.
A thought ensnared by overwhelming emotion.
A thought.
One that came into my head.
And then left.

And I believe that any mother who denies ever having had one of those "thoughts", is wearing a very large, very heavy and sometimes very painful mask.

Raising a child in the way that he/she should go .... is the hardest thing I've ever done, aside from grieving Jim's death.
#1:  Jim's death
#2 - #7:  Raising our children.

But in raising them, they have also raised me.
In teaching them, they have taught me.
And as I have made mistakes, they, and God, have taught me humility.
And I am so thankful for that teaching.

We are not a perfect family.
We never were.
We never will be.
And that's a relief.

Because how incredibly boring would perfection be .... after a couple of days?

But we are family, and we're all ours.
And for that .... I am thankful.

Jim's quiver was/is full.
My heart is full.

Of way too many blessings to count.
And of 6 amazing blessings .... who count very much.

Count your blessings, Peeps.
And Happy Tuesday.
:)


"Like arrows in the hands of a warrior 
   are children born in one’s youth. 
 Blessed is the man 
   whose quiver is full of them. 
They will not be put to shame 
   when they contend with their opponents in court."
Psalms 127:4-5

A Rough Morning ....

.... is what I wrote about today on V's Caring Bridge sight. I updated her journal for her there. I will re-post it here, so that all of you wonderful Peeps will know how things stand today and how to continue praying.

As an aside, I'm surprised that she let me handle the update. She asked me to write one the night before last, so I just copied my last blog post and pasted it there, with a few additional comments.
Let's just say that Vicki, who is a much "gentler" writer than I am (she says it's inexperience. whatever.), was a little surprised. She laughed as she told me thank you and that she liked it, but to be frank, it was a very nervous laugh.

I think she was worried that her church family might be a bit taken aback by my "voice" on her site, especially since they've only heard her voice. And I say "voice", because those of you who know me can "hear" my voice saying the words you are reading. It's the same on her Caring Bridge site, which is her first attempt ever at writing, and she's done a wonderful job.

Just so everyone knows, though ..... I did warn her readers upfront and then I added my most sincere apologies at the end. I knew they'd be a bit shell shocked by then. :)

We finally have BOTH of them sleeping as I write this over in a corner of the hospital room.
Some of you may be surprised that I am here, since I was supposed to return yesterday.
Friday night V began (or really, continued) to feel overwhelmed. Her wonderful brother and sister in law (whom I adore!) were leaving the next morning, as was N, her terrific daughter (whom I also adore!). So she asked if I could stay longer and of course I immediately said yes. I'm so thankful that I can be here .... I'm not thankful that I have a reason to be here, of course, because it totally sucks that G had to have this disease and a then have the transplant (as another aside, I managed to refrain from using any form of the word "suck" on her CB site. It took a lot of strength .... a whole lot .... but I sweated it out).
She has done so much for me since Jim's death .... been with me and been strong for me when I could not be .... that I am blessed to be strong for her now.

So the plan is for me to return tomorrow .... as long as things look better today. At this point I'm considering staying another day. V's parents will arrive on Tuesday, which hopefully will be the day that G is released from the hospital. If things are still a bit rough tonight, I'll stay until Tuesday.

Thankfully, I have wonderful and compassionate children, who care deeply for their friends. I called Son #3 Friday night to talk to him about my staying until tomorrow, which is also his first day of school (no, not EVER .... his first day of his Jr. year, sheesh!). I wanted to see what he thought, how he felt about me being gone longer. His first question was, "Why? Is Grant ok?". I assured him that he was, but that V just needed me a bit longer. He said that I should do whatever they needed, and he didn't hesitate one nano second before saying that. He told me to stay as long as she wanted me to stay. The "emotional Mom" part of me got a little teary and warm and fuzzy.
The "highly-alert-for-suspicious-activity Mom" part of me broke through for a brief moment and thought, "Why? Are you going to have a keg party?!"
What?!
It was only a brief moment.
Don't judge my mothering.
I do enough of that myself.

I know how much he cares for G and the entire family.
The warm and fuzzy is still there. :)

On to the re-posting of my CB update:

This is Janine again.
Yesterday was a very good day, but today hasn't started off so well.

Grant started feeling really miserable around 4:00 a.m. and began vomiting. His system has also been "sluggish" about kicking in and moving things along so that has added to his misery. At around 8:00 a.m. they placed an NG tube to "compress" his stomach, to remove any additional liquids in there, and to try to get his system going.
Thankfully, it worked on his system. He didn't have much left in his stomach but it was able to remove a little.

He developed a fever while all of this was going on, which also made
Vicki miserable and everyone concerned, except for the dr., which I guess is good. She thought it was a result of all of the vomiting, which was a result from from his system still being a bit "paralyzed" after surgery. Also very normal.
I put a prayer request out via Twitter and Facebook and an hour later the fever had gone down. Praise God. :)
Hopefully it will continue to go back down to normal.

Since I began this entry the dr. came in and, very much to Grant's relief, and said that the NG tube could be removed. That tube was causing him more misery than anything else. He now looks and feels much better.
He can't have anything to eat or drink for the next several hours, which hopefully will ensure that he doesn't start vomiting again, causing them to re-insert the tube.

As I end this, he is starting to fall asleep, which he hasn't done since 4 a.m. I am planning on making sure that Vicki now lies down to get some sleep.
Please continue praying for his fever to return to normal, for his system to return to normal, for relief from pain and for some good, solid sleep.
Oh, and the "good, solid sleep" prayer also applies to Vicki.

As for the the other patient, he's becoming a lot less stubborn. :)
He and Grant both did quite a bit of walking yesterday (which was amazing since it was Grant's first day to even get out of bed!).
Roger is doing well today and is saying that he feels good.

I have been posting pictures on Facebook and would be happy to share them with you if you're on FB and want to "friend" me. Just let me know that you're a friend of Vicki's and I'll get you on ASAP. I'll check frequently to make sure to see any requests. I'm on FB as Janine Teague Eggers.

So, to wrap up in bullet points:
*Roger is doing well and feeling good
*Grant has had a very rough morning but is now doing much better and I'm listening to him as he is finally sleeping soundly.
*Vicki is hanging in there and feeling better, emotionally, than she was earlier. Much better.
*Vicki needs a lot of sleep.
*I'm going to make sure she gets some sleep, even if I have to slip something into her water. Trust me. :)

God is still good.
All the time.


So that's it, Peeps.
You have been updated.
I gave you a topic.
Now pray amongst yourselves.

Thank you.
And Happy Sunday.
:)

It's Only Been Five Days ....

..... and yet it seems like a week.
A full week.
It's been a very full five days.

Camp Widow is 17 days away.  But then I guess you know how far off it is/is not .... if you just look to the right.
:)
As the Volunteer Coordinator it's been a busy couple of weeks, trying to get in touch with everyone and get t shirt sizes, meal choices, workshop choices, etc.
If this were a perfect world, everyone would respond to my e-mails ..... in a timely fashion.
However it is not, and the do not.  Sometimes, not at all.
Sigh.
But most of them do and it's going to be a great weekend!

Daughter #2 came home today for a short visit.  We had pedicures this afternoon.
After I went to the physical therapy and then to see my orthopedic surgeon ..... who told me that I was a free woman.
OK, that's not exactly what he said, but that's what it amounts to.
I'm done seeing him, unless I get injured again (please, God .... no).
I'm done with physical therapy, which is both good and bad.  Good, in that I won't have to go 3 days a week, bad in that I liked going, liked my PT and the workout my shoulder got, and bad that I won't be doing that kind of work out at home.  I mean, I could totally lie and say that i will, but who would I be kidding?  I'm hoping to get some PT stuff done, but it won't be at the same level as going in and doing it is.
So yay, my shoulder has been cleared to do whatever it feels like doing.  Just not all at once.
I played tennis last Monday and it felt great.  No pain whatsoever.  For the first time in over 5 years.  And no pain that night, either.
And then I played on Thursday.  And I played longer, and a bit harder, than I had played on Monday.
And it was too much.
It's still a bit sore from that day, but not too bad.

But Thursday got a bit worse after that.
After playing tennis I went out and did a lot of errands.  At this point in time (just after midnight on Tuesday) I can't remember what all I did, but I was heading home around 3:00 p.m.
Our smallish-community has been having a lot of road work done on one of its 2 major streets.  Yep, one out of two is a lot.  I was on that street Thursday afternoon.  As I pulled on to it I passed a sigh that read, "road work ahead" .... duhhhh.  Then the next sign read, "Right light closed ahead".  Well, "ahead" in this case meant in about one mile.  But I dutifully moved into the left lane as soon as I could because that's just how I run.  And I ABHOR the little people who continue to zip down the right lane and cut in at the very last moment.
ABHOR.
Many such little people were doing this on Thursday.  And if you have done this, shame on you.
After being in the left lane for about 20 minutes (20 minutes of stop and go traffic) I looked into my rearview mirror and noticed that the black truck behind me was driving down the center of the two lanes, so that no more little people could zip by.  I smiled and thought, "Good for you, Mr. Black Truck Driver!"  We continued to drive this way a bit longer and then I noticed that there was a white truck behind the black truck and Mr. White Truck Driver was being aggressive.  Way too aggressive for stop and go traffic.  I have no doubt that he was totally ticked at Mr. Black Truck Driver for not letting him zip past.  He kept speeding up and riding on the rear end of the black truck, swerving left and right and mainly driving like a huge jerk.
Then he must've decided that driving like a jerk was not nearly as fun as driving like an ass, because he suddenly swerved to his left and drove up and over the curb, past the trees and sidewalk and past the black truck.
He then drove off of the curb and back into the right lane.
Next to me.
I was a bit stunned but would soon be even more stunned.
Because Mr. No-Longer-a-Jerk-But-Now-An-Ass started heading into my lane.
Where I was.
I thought that perhaps he didn't notice me there, even though I drive a large-ish red-ish SUV.  See, even then I gave him the benefit of doubt.  But that disappeared in the next nano-second.
Because I honked to let him know that there was indeed a car in the lane into which he was swerving.  I looked at him, his window was next to my window, and he was shaking both of his fists at me and waving them towards himself, as if to say, "C'mom!  C'mon and get some of this!".
And I was about as stunned as I thought I could get.
Until he kept heading into my lane.
I could not have avoided him, unless I swerved to my left and up and over the median on my side, or sped up and slammed into the car behind me, or hit my brakes and then watched the rear part of his truck hit the front part of my car.
He pulled closer to me and then swerved in my direction, causing our side mirrors to smash into each other.  I saw paint and glass flying everywhere.
And at that point I was about as stunned as I was going to be.
And then I became P***ED.
Very, very, P***ED.
I stopped my car and saw that he had stopped his and leapt out of it.
In my p***ed off state, I forgot that I was alone in my car, that I am only 5'4" and weigh somewhere around 120 lbs.
Meaning, not big enough to beat the crap out of this guy.
Even though I felt big enough at the time.
I jumped out of my car and just looked at him .... probably with a most unkind look.  He started screaming, "Pull it over!!  PULL IT OVER!!!"
I knew at that moment that I was dealing with a madman, but still didn't conclude that I had no one there to back me up.
So I mustered up all 5'4" of me and yelled the only thing I could think of (and of which I am not proud) .... "Screw you!!!"
And then I got back in my car and thought about just driving off for about 2 seconds.  But I was still too mad.  So I picked up my cell and dialed 911 and pulled my car over into the right lane.
A very, very kind mind who had been driving in front of my got out of his car and told me that I had done nothing wrong, I was in the right and that man was crazy.  And then he stayed with me until the police came, which took quite a while, seeing as how there was only one lane of traffic and people were gawking at us.  Mr. White Truck Driver, who henceforth shall be known as The Supreme Ass (of TSA), stayed on his end of the street and I stayed on my end.  The police came, took my story, took TSA's story and then took the witness' story.  And then he talked to TSA again and came back to me with an ultimatum;  he could give both of us a citation (wait for it ...), and we could take our chance in court,  or just let us both go and take care of our own cars.
And I then learned that I could, indeed, be stunned a little bit more.
I said something like, "WHAT?!!!  Why would I get a citation???!!!  I didn't do anything wrong and you have a witness to that fact!"
To which he replied something like, "I'm not going to go into any of that.  Do you want the citation or not?"
Now I have never had a citation before.  Nor a ticket.  Ever.  Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.  I personally think one should receive some sort of plaque or something if one reaches the age of, oh .... 50, and has never had a ticket.  Evidently not everyone agrees with that.
So all I could think, and say, was, "No!  I don't want a citation.  But HE should get one!"  Mr. Policeman, henceforth known as Ass #2, just looked at me.  Finally I said, "No, I don't want a citation."  He said, "Fine.  Now I'll go talk to TSA."  The witness could not believe it when I told him what Ass #2 had said.
Then Ass #2 came back and said, "TSA wants to file a police report.  So I'm going to write one, but not give either of you a citation."  I asked what in the world that meant and he said it meant that I should take his police report to my insurance office and then follow their directions.  He then told me that I could go. I got into my car, got back into the left lane, drove about 2 feet ..... and then it hit me.  Ass #2 did NOT want to give any citations because that meant that, not only would he be out there longer, but he would also have to show up in court.  And then I was furious.  Beyond furious.  I drove straight to my insurance office and told them what had happened.  The woman asked, "You told him, Yes, I want the citation!!! Right?"  I told her that, alas, I had not.  I was new at all of this and couldn't think in time and that I later realized what had just happened.  I had been scammed.
She told me that the police department from this particular large metropolis (which shall remain nameless, but you all know where I live anyway) contains some of THE laziest people on the face of the earth.  They, as an insurance company, encounter this all of the time.  This is so wrong .... on so many levels.  But if it ever happens again I'll know better.  And I'll go to court.
On the bright side?  His mirror was hanging by a wire.  Mine is just really scratched up.
And .... when I went to the insurance office I saw our weekly farmers' market in our town center.  I'd never been to it because I never remember that it's there.  But that day I went.  And enjoyed myself immensely.
So there, TSA.

Yes, this is a hugely long post and for that I am truly sorry.  I told you it's been a week of only 5 days.
And now, as of tonight, my joints are hurting.  Not just aching, but "had to take a pain pill" hurting.
Damn.
If they're like this tomorrow then I expect I'll be seeing the rheumatologist sooner, rather than later.

So there you go.
A week of 5 days.
I'm sure there's more to share with you about those 5 days, but it's almost 1 am and I have to take Son #3 to the dr. at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.
Guess who made the appointment at that time?
It wasn't me.
sigh .....

On that sigh ..... Happy Tuesday, Peeps.

And please, move into the correct lane in a timely fashion.
:)


P.S.  I forgot to add that my insurance agent called the next morning and had a message from TSA.  He's filing a claim against them/me for "failure to yield".  She thought that was hysterical.  Especially since there was no where, nor any way for me to yield and not get hit by him moving into my lane.  He never stopped, never slowed down, never seemed to care that our cars would collide at some point.  I was glad to have helped given her some entertainment for her day.  She laughed .... a lot.
So did the agent who called yesterday to get my "tape recorded version" .... and she works for his insurance company!  I later got a call from my company, for the same thing .... my recorded version.  The person who took that one was very confused as to why he was even wasting their time.  I just said that I thought he was a wee bit crazy.  That's all.
Aren't we all?  But hopefully we hold it in while driving .... hopefully.

Nineteen Years ....

.... is almost too many to be fathomable.

Son #2 turned 19 on Wednesday.

So this post is dedicated to him, how much he's changed, how much he's grown and how much he's matured over the last few years.
I will try to post a "normal-ish" post soon to update you on other things, like my joints, my tennis (!), Camp Widow, the SUPREME ass (it's ok, it's in the Bible) who ran into my car yesterday, etc.
But today belongs to Son #2.
:)

                                              Happy Daddy, happy baby:

                              A very common pose amongst the males on Jim's side of the family:

             He's kind of hard to see here, but this was on a visit to Tulsa, the day before we drove back home.  We didn't know it then (he looks VERY happy in this picture) but the day after we were to get home Son #2 would end up in the hospital with pneumonia.  Even sick, he was happy.  For a brief moment in time anyway.  :)

                           On the Oregon coast the week he turned 1:

                                  In NYC, getting ready to go ride the ferris wheel inside Toys R Us:

                        In Italy, showing off his first euro:

                 Looking very dapper at dinner on a cruise:

                                    A birthday pic:

                         In Italy, sucking down what-would-not-be-his-last glass of wine.  Sigh .....

                 In Venice ..... wearing really ugly rats with wings, otherwise known as pigeons:

          In San Diego, after a hat-buying-trip to Disneyland, feeding his cousin:

                Trying to show me how "hot" he really is.  He. Will. Croak. When. He. Sees. This. Picture.
                             Seriously:

          Spring break, 3 months after Jim died (and the "Dead Husband Diet" had hit with a vengeance:  

                               Showing some brotherly love with Son #3:

            On Jim's parents' farm, back when he was around 3. Jim was teaching him out to target shoot with a bb gun, one of their favorite pastimes on the farm:

         Passed out cold at Thanksgiving dinner.  Must've OD'd on the tryptophan.

      Still learning to shoot at an Indian Guides campout (before the YMCA got all "politically correct").  This appears to have been a family campout because I'm on the other side of them, holding Son #3.

Another Indian Guides campout (without moms, their favorite kind).  Yes, he does have a marshmallow on the end of that log.  Overkill much?

     Him, reading a bedtime story to Jim after he had tucked Him into the rocking chair all snuggly.

                            Ummmm, yeah.  There used to be much wrestling in our house:

                                   Pre-K graduation:

                      Thanksgiving in Oklahoma, holding the same cousin he was feeding in an earlier pic:

     I have no earthly idea.  But if I had to make a guess I'd say that "somebody" was getting a good "talking-to" for doing something "somebody" should not have done (on a cruise):

                                  Brotherly bonding in the pool:

                      Hanging out with the family in Anchorage.  Hanging with .... not listening to:

                        Half-way up a mountain on our last day in Alaska (which would turn out to be our last vacation together.  Jim died 6 months later so the Alaska pics are bittersweet).

        Christmas Day, when both guys evidently received awesome hats (?!).  Jim is showing him out to put a toy together.   I'm not sure if the goggles helped with that, or hindered.  But the tool belt and gloves made EVERYTHING work.  :)

         One of many fishing trips at a pond (the locals who don't know better call it a lake. LMBO!) across the street from our house:

     Salmon fishing outside of Anchorage:

    With D#2 and Jim at the Forum in Rome:

                    Our first trip to Disneyland (in California):

           One of our trips to Disney World (in Florida).  Note the happy-go-lucky face on Son #2.  This kind of picture was a staple on every single one of our vacation.  SER.I.OUS.LY.

                          The proud cousin with the aforementioned cousin.  Son #2 has always loved children and is amazing with them.  He will be a wonderful father someday.

                       Ummmmm, I think this is one of those "I'm less than thrilled that you want to take my picture, even if it is my 14th birthday!" pictures:

      See?  Much easier in the years before teenage-hood:

             Christmas morning .... with a spy camera:

    Parent's Weekend at the Marine military academy:

          Time with Mom, away from the school:

                  Showing the parents how much work it is:

                   Relaxing at the hotel:

                He looks amazing in a uniform:

          ESPECIALLY this one:

                One of his favorite pastimes at the lake .... with one of his biggest catches:

                                    Basketball days:

                     Parents' Weekend:

                            His "post-cruise" look.  I love it!

                               Another favorite pastime at the lake:  jet skiing:

                                Learning the bongos at Disney World:

                     Going off of our rope swing at the lake:

                                       "Working attire" at the lake:

          
                    And these are from this birthday.  It took a bit of pleading, but the smile was worth it.

I cannot believe that he is 19 now.  Part of me is stunned at the thought of 19 years.
Part of me cannot believe that we've lived here for over 20 years.

It seems that it was only yesterday when he he informed me, at the ripe old age of 7, that he, as a citizen of the United States, had the right to be free, and in being "free" he should not "have" to attend school and all of the cumbersome classes, homework and projects that would entail.  Of course one part of me agreed with him, and felt badly that he had to endure so much that he didn't give two cents about.  But the rest of me knew that no 7 year old is as "free" as he thinks he is, and that as a mother .... as this boy's mother .... I was in for a very long, very wild roller coaster ride!
And boy has it ever been long and wild.

There were many times when I didn't know if he'd make it to his 19th birthday.
There were many times when I didn't know if I'd make it to his 19th birthday.

But here we are.
Both of us.
He and I.
Here.
In spite of him.
In spite of me.
In spite of Jim not being here.
In spite of .... so much.

And here is a pretty great place.
He is a pretty great 19 year old.
He is a wonderful son.
And a wonderful young man.

And he will be a wonderful Marine.
I am so proud of him and so full of love for him.

And so is Jim.
:)