Monday, November 17, 2008

My advice ...... just in case


                                     Our wedding day:

     So this is a post I've been pondering for a while.  And now I think I can write it.  I'm going to give you my advice about things you need to do --- just in case.

#1.  GET.  A.  WILL!
     Seriously, this is THE most important piece of advise I can give you.  We've had our wills done for a long time so I was thankful for that.

#2.  Increase his/her life insurance and yours.  A lot.  A whole lot.  Make sure that the last thing you'll have to worry is about is keeping your home while you're struggling to keep your sanity.
It really is the last thing you can do for each other.  Jim is still taking care of us.

#3.  Get every bill, every title, every important piece of information in BOTH of your names.  Trust me .... you'll save yourself, or your spouse, a huge amount of stress and frustration.  I should know.  (See DISH post!)

#4.  Know EVERY password, every pin number, every code there is to know.  Be sure that you both have each other's.  I didn't have this problem but I know women who have.  HUGE problems.

#5.  Talk about plans for ..... well, for a "just in case".  What type of "arrangements" do you/your spouse want?  And do you know how much it will cost?  Please, please, please check this out.  I think it's a horrendous crime that we are required to make so many huge, and most times hugely costly, decisions within 24 hours of our world crashing.  Plan ahead.  Know that cremating is much cheaper than burial.  Know where you want burial to be, if you choose that route.  
Also, know if you want a funeral vs. a memorial.  One involves a casket, one does not (usually).  
Talk, talk, talk ..... I know this is hard and you think you don't want to do it ..... yet.  
But "yet" may come before you think it will.

#6.  Talk about what kind of medical interventions you each want or DON'T want.  Again, very, very hard to talk about .... but if you find yourself in that situation you'll wish you had.   I did not have to face this, but it would have been very difficult ..... 

#7.  If your kids are ""old enough (whatever that magic age is for each of them) discuss these things with them.  Chances are, they'll be the ones left to manage all of this so help them be prepared.

#8.  If you face a "just in case" try to remember this when you're "making arrangements" -- order at least 25 death certificates.  Everyone needs one.  Every. One.  
Horrific sounding?  Yes.
True?  Unfortunately .... mostly.

#9.  Know everything there is to know about your finances, bills, insurance benefits, life insurance, wills, stocks, 401K's, assets, debts, credit cards ......... everything.  
I did not.  But I was married to an obsessively organized man.  Well, I thought he was obsessive.  "Before".  Now I thank him all of the time.

#10.  Tell him/her that you love him/her.  Right now.
And all of the time.

That's it for now.  I hope this is of some value to somebody out there.  
I know there are other women who read this who also walk this path.  So a special shout out to all of you.  Please feel free to add to this list.  I know there are many, many more things I could add,  but can't remember more (at the moment.  I'm sure several will come to me around 3:00 a.m.!).

And now I have to go and try to figure out what my horse ..... puppy .... is eating.  But I have to catch her first.  She starts spazzing out every night around 9:00 or so when some kind of sugar rush evidently strikes.  She runs all over my house at full speed ..... through every room, until she runs out of gas .... or sugar.  Or something.
I think I'm going to have to bolt everything down .... kind of like a hotel room.  
Sigh.

11 comments:

Unknown said...

I had a bunny rabbit that used to do that... run around the house in the evening like a mad-rabbit. Until he ran out of sugar. Or herbs. Or something. ;)

Anonymous said...

Working in Hospice as I do, I see your words as SO WISE. So many families do not want to speak these words because they feel it might hasten the end. NOT TRUE and it can provide so much peace for the family. I am so thankful that Jim provided for you the way he did (the plan you had together). Your life could be significantly different than it is. Thank you Janine, for crossing the chasm of "things we should not say". When we are 80, we speak of these things. Why then, not at 40? The end is just as close potentially. Love you. Thanks for putting it out there.

Anonymous said...

Good evening my darling daughter. Once again, job well done. You are helpful in many, many ways. There's at least one thing on your list that we need to address. Thanks. I love you very much.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I am sending this link to Chuck as he refuses to speak as if there might ever be an "after" for either he or I.
Also, Frank runs through the house each night around 9:00. He does it with such force it rolls up my rugs and his tail knocks down anything in it's path.
Love you.

Mary Lou said...

Wonderful list. being married to an attorney we have wills and I know everything and am responsible for more than i care to be at the moment. The one thing you sorta touched on but didn't finish was a living will which states what you desire in the way of intervention if necessary. Oh, yeah...Power of attorney for general purposes and power of attorney for health care, these are necessary IF you are incapacitated and the other one has to make decisions for you. They are a blessing to have on older parents for the younger ones to be able to step in and do IF necessary. They really helped when I had to take care of my mother and now that we take care of his. Your hands can be strapped if you don't have these power of attorney. At least here in our state, don't know if that is true in every state. You are so right about settling things about funerals etc. I am thankful for you that your sweet husband provided so well for you and the children. He was a very wise and smart man. You have done a lot of good service by putting this list out. May it reach some who really need to think this through. Blessings on your day. Praying for you in the days to come. You are doing great.

M2K2USA said...

Wow. We have a few of the things covered on your list but not all. They WILL be done this weekend!!
We will have to talk to the girls too. Did you know that our kids have NEVER been to a funeral, wake, memorial...of any kind. EVER.
It scares me to think that their first time could be my mom's or someone in my family and it would be a Catholic one...(shudder)Nothing against catholics. It's just that their service is very...big. (for loss of a better word)
I need to prepare them for that. Seriously.
Your words on Gabby make me think of a bull in a china store!! LOL
We sometimes have that problem and we try to take them out a wear them out before bed time.
We TRY. LOL
Love ya!
Have a good day!!
XOXO
K in AK

Anonymous said...

At least mom only has one issue to address. I have them all to address and it is something I hate to think about but I know it needs to be done. Thanks you for the nudge. I needed that. I love you!

Anonymous said...

J,
Thanks for putting out the list. I knew several of the items from helping to help my Mom after Dad died, but we have been procrastinating and letting schedules get the best of us. Thanks for the reminder. B and I need to take care of several of the items. Leia

k lippe said...

i am so glad that you posted that list. my dad is an attorney and he tells stories all the time of issues he has encountered becuase of no wills and it is painful...for everyone involved. most attorneys can do wills, the power of attorneys, ALL of it based on one questionaire and it isn't that expensive...and it is NECESSARY! DO IT!

Linds said...

I echo the power of attorney absolutely. It is vital. Here in the UK it is called an enduring power of attorney, so it can be used if the person is unable to manage their affairs.
The life insurance is a MUST. Check dates on policies. My husband forgot to renew his. Not good. It would have made so much difference.
And if any of your readers live in the UK, go to Social Services immediately - there is a universal bereavement benefit, but you have to claim within 3 months or you lose it.
I never knew any of this 2 years ago. None of my friends did either, so we fumbled through the aftermath of Geoff's death. And you are right re passwords too. Sky tv and I will never forget my atempts to cancel his contract.

Anonymous said...

pretty much hit the nail on the head. as newlyweds with not a lot of time having passed to organise things, i had to deal with a lot of these. i also agree with a lot of what "Linds" said. i blogged awhile back a heads-up for people in Australia to go to our version of Social Services (Centrelink) for a similar reason--one that I missed out on.

and for something a little cheerier, i've nominated you for a blog award. so come collect it. :)
it's here...
http://southeastcountrywife.blogspot.com/2008/11/blog-award-marie-antoinette-real-person.html