Ask Me Thursday?!!

Okey dokey .... I guess there's a first time for everything.  My Ask Me Wednesday has rolled over into Ask Me Thursday for this week.

I got home too late to finish the post ....  I did manage to answer a few of them before I went to bed.  I thought I clicked on the Publish Post button (to at least give you half of the questions on Wednesday) but I guess I hit the Save Now button.  Therefore, the previous post which was indeed started on Wednesday, didn't actually get posted until this morning.  

And the last question had to wait until I finished at least two cups of coffee.

So here we go .......  buckle up boys and girls!

Leia asks:

Hi. I have an Ask Me Wed question that may have gotten lost in the shuffle last week. At what point
(age) did you start "talking turkey" to your kids (you know, the birds
and the bees stuff)? Was
it the same for the boys as the girls? Who handled the deed (you or Jim, and
with which gender?). And if you care to elaborate, how did you go about it? Just thought I'd spice things up a little!

OK, prepare yourselves.  Make sure you're sitting down.

Ready?

Each of my girls was in ......... are you sure you're ready? ......... the first grade when we had "the talk".  Yes.  FIRST.  As in 6 & 7 years old.  Yes, really.

  

Grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or a shot of tequila and settle in.

Here's how it alllllllll began:

     Once upon a time, when Daughter #1 was in first grade, her lovely, doting, caring, compassionate, patient mother (OK, I totally lost you on patient, didn't I?  Hey, it's MY story, I have artistic license!) went to the daughter's elementary school to have lunch with said daughter.  What a great thing for a mother to do, right?  I'm not sure what I did with Son #1 that day, but I must've dumped him with someone ....... ummmmm, I mean, I must have scheduled an educational play date for him with another lovely, doting mother.  Whatever.

So while the lovely daughter and her lovely mother were having lunch with the daughter's classmates the children began whispering and giggling amongst themselves.  And then they did a most exceptional thing:  they began to play "Pass it On".  For those uneducated readers who don't know what "Pass it On" is ..... go get into your car, drive to the nearest movie theatre, and buy a ticket to Madagascar 2 ..... and watch it.  You will get to see the game in action. And a very funny movie.  But I digress.

     This game started across the table from the lovely mom.  She watched with interest as one child whispered into the ear of the child on his/her right and then both giggled.  Then it was passed on to the next child.  And so on.  And so on.  And so ..........  until it got to the child on the left of the lovely mother.  As the little boy started to whisper in the mother's ear the whole table exploded into, "NO!!!!  DON'T TELL HER!!!".  The little boy, being a little boy, paid no attention to anyone and continued to whisper into my ear.  And it went something like this:

Little Boy:  whispering ....... "Suzy* and Timmy* are having sex!"   (* these names are entirely made up because the lovely mom would never want to reveal and thus embarrass those two children and because she also can't remember what she had for lunch yesterday, let alone two kids' names from 18 years ago .... sheesh!).

Me:  nothing.  not a word for a few seconds .... just a wide-eyed stare at the little boy, who by now had realized the error of his whispering, and the other children at the table, who were also staring wide-eyed and quite accusingly at said little boy.

And then:

Me:  "Are you kidding me?"  then, looking at each of the children at the table and giving the kind of stare that only I can give -- trust me ....... "You all don't even know what that means.  Do you?"

Them:  "Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter ...... kissing; in love, yeah, in love."

Me:  "So you really aren't sure about the definition, right?"

Them: "No" -- said a bit shamefaced

Me:  "Then try to remember this .... if you don't know what a word means, don't use it.  Especially when you're talking about someone else.  OK?"

Them:  "OK"

And so they all finished their lunch amid happy conversations and giggling, all of which had nothing to do with the word "sex".  They had all expelled it from their minds and had moved on to the other exciting subjects that 6 year olds discuss, like hopscotch and chasing boys and running from girls.  Except for one certain little girl.  sigh

     That afternoon when Daughter #1 came home, she put her backpack away neatly and went to give her lovely mother a hug and a kiss.  The lovely mother was probably just finishing up a batch of just-baked chocolate cookies and skimming the milk she had just milked from the cow.

Daughter #1 looked up at her lovely mother and asked, "Lovely mother, what is sex?"

The lovely mother managed to not drop the pitcher of just-milked milk and thought very, very quickly.  Then she said, "Lovely, curious daughter ..... the word "sex" means whether you are a boy or a girl.  A question involving sex is usually asking whether you are a female or a male."

The lovely, curious daughter smiled up with her big brown eyes into the face of the lovely, heavily-perspiring mother and said ......."Oh.  Okay."  And off she skipped to go practice her piano or fold her laundry or clean the bathroom.  Probably.

And the mother stopped perspiring and was quite proud of her quick-thinking abilities.  She then went outside to shear the sheep so that she could make cloth to clothe her family.

     A couple of days later the lovely mother was in her room, probably reading the Bible or some other deep book of faith, and the handsome husband was puttering around in his closet.  Daughter #1 walked into the room, plopped herself on the bed and said, "Mommy, what is sex?"

The mother looked questioningly at her child and said, "Daughter #1, I told you a few days ago what sex is.  It's whether you're female or male."  While she answered this she noticed that the handsome husband was peeking out of his closet with an irritating grin on his face.

Daughter #1 replied, "No, untruthful, yet lovely Mommy.  It means something else.  I know because I told someone at school and they told me I was wrong.  So give it up ..... what's "sex" mean?"

At this point the handsome, yet equally chicken-hearted husband said, "I think I have to change the oil in my car." and quickly fled the room before I, ummm, the lovely mom could object ... or throw her Bible at him.

So, not really knowing what else to do, she forged ahead and told her infuriatingly-curious daughter what "sex" meant.

The daughter was a bit mature for her age, having a late November birthday and such mature and honest parents ...... I mean, mother, took it all quite well and asked questions and seemed happy to have the "knowledge".  The lovely mother told her daughter that this was a discussion for our home only, and that she must not share her knowledge with other children, because their parents needed to do that (and the last thing the lovely mother needed was an irate parent calling her to yell about what Daughter #1 had said in the sandbox that day!).  The lovely Daughter agreed and all was well with the world.  Although the lovely mother did have to take another shower that day to remove the sweat, ummm perspiration, and probably went out for margaritas that night.

     Fast forward two years.  And substitute the lovely daughter for two identically lovely daughters who trap their lovely mother in the mini-van one day and ask the same dreaded question.  The lovely mother gave the same first answer she had given Daughter #1, hoping that it would work a bit longer this time ...... even though lovely Daughter #1 was smirking at her the entire time.

Alas, it worked for only about a week.

And again, the lily-livered, chicken-hearted, yet handsome husband fled the room.  Really.

So the lovely mommy launched into the same talk and filled her lovely twin daughters with "the knowledge", all the while wondering what the hell was going on in that elementary school among the first graders!  The daughters nodded gravely throughout the talk and agreed to keep it in the family.  

     One day, while the lily-livered husband was pulling into the church parking lot with all 3 daughters on a lovely Sunday morning ...... one of the daughters piped up from the back of the mini-van:

LD:  "Daddy ....... have you had sex with Mommy?"

pause

pause

pause --- Lily-livered Daddy knew that he was caught like a rat in a sinking ship and was wondering if the lovely, yet vengeful wife had set him up (she had not, but wished she'd thought of it).

Daddy: "......... ummmmmmmm, gulp, yes."

long, long pause ..... and then.....

LD:  "I thought so." ----- said very disdainfully and with an utter drop of respect for such a disgusting, yet handsome, daddy.

     I think I laughed for two whole days after he came home with that story.

     The lovely mother informed the scarred father that she was no longer in the "talk" business.  She had done her time and he was to be in charge of the male off spring and their "knowledge".

And so she thought she was.

She should have known better.

      Son #1 never asked a single question.  Not once.  So one day, when it was just about time to send Son #1 off to middle school, the lovely, yet weary mother sighed a deep sigh and then took Son #1 into the study.  She asked him if he knew all about "sex".  He informed her that he did.  She asked for his definition.  She found out that he had it all wrong and couldn't believe she was having to do this again.

So she took a deep breath and launched into it all over again.  Son #1 remained deathly quiet during the whole thing.

When she was finished she asked Son #1:

LM:  "So, do you have any questions?"

Son #1:   "Ummmm, so this means that you and Dad had sex 5 times?"

LM:  pause ..... "Yep."

And we were done.  And I think he still believes we only had sex 5 times.  Or wants to believe it.

     The last two males sandbagged me in the car.  Children do a lot of sandbagging in the car because they know you are trapped behind the wheel and cannot dive out of a moving vehicle adeptly.  No matter how hard you think about it.

So there you go.  How the I handled it.  ALL ALONE, thank you very much.

The only piece of advice I have to give on this topic is always, always, always use the correct names for body parts with your children.  Always.  They need to know that a penis is a penis and not a pee-pee or wee-wee or other cutesy name.  

It's much easier to be open and honest about this when you start young, giving them the right names.  And then give them only as much as they ask for.  

And hopefully that whole male/female thing will work for you a lot longer than it did for me.

I didn't even try it with any of the boys.