A Birthday

     Hi Honey,

  So you'd be 49 today.  Man, how I wish I could tease you about that.  I'd tell you how much older you looked and that I hoped you enjoyed your last "young" year.  

Of course I could only do this for 6 months because then we'd be the same age and you'd be able to say the same things to me --- although you wouldn't.

  Instead, you are forever young.

 I am not.  I wonder how many years I've aged in this past year? I think I've aged a lot.  It seems like 20 years.  Sometimes I wonder if I look as old as I feel.

Of course, you'd deny that and say how hot I look, or something dumb like that.  But I would be smiling.

  If you were still here I'd be making a spice cake today .... and probably a roast and mashed potatoes.  That was your favorite meal.  Or maybe Son #3 would grill some steaks for you.  He's learned how to do that this year and I must say, he does a fabulous job.  I told him that I even think he does it better than you did.  You'd be fine with that.  And proud of him.

  If you were still here then M would be making sure that you had cake at work today.  She always made you feel special on your birthday.  She was more than an assistant for you.  She did a great job and I know that you thought the world of her, as she did of you.  I know she misses you and I can't imagine how difficult it was for her to go back to work .... without you.

OK, maybe I can imagine that.  A little.  A lot.

  If you were here you'd be so proud of each of the kids and how they've done this year.  And how much they've loved and taken care of me .... each in their own way.

  You would totally be busting at having Daughter #1 at Harvard.  And that Daughters #2 & #3 are back in Kenya --- even if it is on your birthday.

  You'd love how much Son #1 loves college and how ready he was to go and how well he's doing. You might not see how much he's like you, but he is.  

  And the first time you saw Son #2 walk into a room wearing that uniform --- you-would-cry.  I know you and I know this for certain.  And .... you wouldn't try to hide it.  You'd be so proud of him, in spite of how difficult it's been.

   You would have loved seeing Son #3 play football again this season ..... and going undefeated.  

I'm sure you'd be sharing all of this love and pride with everyone at work.  I know how much you spoke of your family.  I've learned a lot about the man you were at work from all of the letters I've been receiving.  I always knew that you were respected and well thought of.  But I really had no idea HOW respected, admired, and loved you were and what a huge impact you've had on so many people.  Neither did you.

I hope you do now.

  

  I wonder what you'll be doing today?  I hope it's not singing.  You never were any good at that, though you certainly took a lot of joy in singing the "Frito Bandito" song in the car to terrorize the kids.  

I also know how much you really didn't enjoy singing, so if that's what you're doing in Heaven, maybe God will give you the day off ..... for your birthday?

     I  wonder if you play with Addi and if you take turns holding Nolan?  

I'm sure you have long walks with your mom.  

I think you and Wade have spent some time together, talking about your kids and wives and catching up with each other.

There are so many things I like to imagine you doing.

  But the best thing I like to imagine is that you see us and you're somehow with us.  I have to admit that I have conflicting feelings about that --- because I know that there are no tears in Heaven, yet if you could see me and know how broken my heart is,  you'd cry.  I know this without a doubt because whenever I was hurt, you'd hurt more.  

  But I also guess you'd be proud of me.  I'm not sure why ..... maybe it would just be the fact that I'm still breathing.  

  You'd also be proud and thankful for all of our friends and family ... and how much care and love -- and prayers, they've given to us and for us.  

  

  You meant so much to so many, Jim.  You are being carried on in many, many ways.

I love you more than any human language can describe.  And I miss you just as much.  I am so grateful for the years God gave us.  I am thankful for the gift of you and our children .... and that I rarely took that for granted.  I was more loved by you than most people get in a long lifetime.  I knew it then and I still know it.

  And so I wish you Happy Birthday.  I'd give anything if you were here to celebrate, but I know that you're celebrating up there .... all of the time.  

  Tell your mom hello for me ...... and if you can cook up there,  I bet she'll make you a spice cake.

I love you tons (elephant tons, as we used to write in college) and can't wait to see you again.

Janine