.... until I wasn't.
I went to work today, came home to have lunch and spend some time with Son #1 before he headed back to school, went back to work and just got home.
It was a good day .... until about 1/2 way through the drive home.
Suddenly I had a flashback. I was back in the ER with Jim, watching them run around as fast as they could, to stick him with needles, to try to get a blood pressure, giving him a very quick MRI and then telling me I'd better call my family. All within 10 minutes. I was watching myself trying to comprehend that this was not just a case of acid reflux and that he wasn't going home. In fact, he was going downtown on a helicopter and in all likelihood I'd never see him alive again. It was too difficult to understand .... I didn't know what to do .... it all happened so fast.
All in less than 10 minutes.
(As an aside, God granted us 7 more hours with him, thankfully.)
I was having a good day.
And now .... I am not.
I've been having so many good days that it's been a tiny bit scary. I didn't see the flashback coming ..... you never do. I wonder if this is what it's like for soldiers who've been to war? One minute you're happy as a clam, driving your car, looking forward to heading home to see your sons and then WHAM!! You're standing back in time, in a horrible, horrible place. And you can't leave it. You just have to get through it.
And so I write.
And cry.
And write some more.
I want this damn pain to go away. I want my heart to stop hurting from missing him every moment of every day.
I want ..... too much.
I want .... what I can never have.
So I write.
And I scream on the inside, "Damn it, God!!!!! Why did You allow THIS to happen to US? Why HIM? Why not ME?!"
And all I hear is the deafening roar of ..... silence.
8 comments:
Praying for you. Lifting you to His throne of mercy and grace and comfort. May He be the lifter of your head and may you feel Him holding your right hand or your entire body whatever you need from Him. Praying...
All I can say is I love you....So. Very. Much. And I still ask that question...when the kids poor excuse for a dad doen't call on thier birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas...or hell....just because. WHY did Jim have to leave us and WHY did he get to stay? WHY???? I don't know...I wish I did. I had such a great time with you in Tulsa, it was so great to see you have a good time and I was greatful for the good days you had with V and with us...so very greatful. I love you Janine. And I guess that's all have have to say about that. Just my two cents. So really I guess I can say more than I love you huh. I never was really good with words!!!
Such a deep blow out of the blue. Such unexpected pain and grief.
God, please be with Janine.
Pastor Al
It seems to me that even after 3 and a half years I realize there are always going to be moments that creep up when least expected that smack us where pain is raw and the emotions make a volcanic eruption seem calm----lets face it; we love; we hurt; we want back what we had; nothing wrong with that; we share our pain and validate the love.....hugs.peace..
Good evening my darling daughter.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly. In the absence of happiness, we wish peace for you. Eventually the pain will lessen, I know, but I don't suppose it will ever be gone. How could it, with what you have lost? So, in the meantime, we wish you peace and comfort. I pray God is listening to all the prayers going up for you tonight.
We love you very much and will see you Thursday. D will put up your swing, so decide where you want it.
Love you Janine!
Ann
In an ICU around 4pm on Sunday May 22, 1994 I, along with my two young children, watched my first wife breathe her last breaths.. sometimes our sorrow is so unbearable.. often life presents us with seemingly impossible circumstances.. and sometimes it feels like God is not there.
All I really have to offer you is a sympathetic ear and to let you know that you are not alone in this Janine.. mourning seems to be a life long thing.. maybe it should be.. in a sense I do not ever want to forget.. even the hard stuff.
Many Blessings, Bob
I am so sorry. I pray that God grants you peace and softer, more lovely memories today.
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