That's all there is tonight.
I'm sad.
I'm freaking over the fact that I have to learn how to give myself injections on Tuesday afternoon (4:00 Central time for those of you who pray ..... PLEASE pray).
I miss him.
I cry for him.
This should not be my life.
I miss him so very much.
It comes in waves.
And tonight I'm experiencing a tsunami.
Go figure.
It's an emotional night.
For no reason in particular.
But that's how grief goes.
No rhyme or reason .... it just hits
I had a good day.
A very peaceful, quiet day.
I want out to dinner with Son #3.
We had a good time.
We came home and started watching the Emmy's.
And then the tsunami hit.
Out of the blue.
As it usually does.
I miss him.
I need him.
I want him.
But it's all bull s___.
I can't have him.
Ever.
And it sucks.
So I learn to forge ahead.
I learn how to give myself injections.
No matter how fearful I am, or how much I doubt myself.
No matter I he wish he were here with me.
I have been through so much over the past 2 and a half (plus) past years.
This should be a piece of cake, right?
Of course right.
But it's not.
I'm scared.
Very scared.
It's stupid ..... I know.
Millions of people give themselves daily injections.
I only have to do it once a week.
But it's just another instance ..... another time when he won't be be here. For me.
Please pray, Peeps.
I miss him.
I want him.
I can't have him.
And life goes on.
With .... or without ..... my consent.
I did not sign up for this.
5 comments:
Oh Janine: T.A.N.W. except that I UNDERSTAND all too well! This has been a tsunami week -- can you believe it? Almost 7 years and they still come. They just show up -- YUCK!!!
I will be praying about the shots and that God will take away your fears.
Janine, I know and I wish I could fly around Earth 3 times backwards like Superman did and bring him back to you.
As you said, it sucks. Because I can't.
I know what you mean about being scared of the injections. With him there you felt safe. Those hurdles seem lower somehow. And now they loom at us, raising the bar, without our husbands taking away our fears, wiping away our tears.
The other day I found myself having to drive through Central London and I was absolutely terrified because I had never driven through the city before ... my heart was racing and all I could think of was the fact that Cliff couldn't come and rescue me. But you know what? I did it. I wasn't happy about it, but I made it through.
Anticipation is sometimes worse than the actual thing that you are dreading. Luckily for me I didn't know that I was going to be driving through London so I didn't have time to worry about it.
Unfortunately you do. I know that you will do this. I know that when you have done it a few times, you will be fine. But I also know who scared you will be feeling now.
Have a little faith in yourself. I know I do.
I know what you mean -- having someone to lean on, just to BE there for you. Greg gave himself injections daily during the time he was trying another round of experimental drugs to rid himself of Hepatitis C (maybe 6 years ago?). I was surprised how matter-of-factly he did that -- I don't know how I would have handled the same thing. I will pray for you. I am glad that yours will be limited to a weekly thing.
will be praying...
I am where you are....hugs to you, and thinking of you always. Lorry
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