What Can You, as a Parent .....

.... as a mother, do to avoid adding to society's pressure on your child .... your daughter .... to look better than she/he does?

This has been floating through my mind quite a bit lately.  A few people have contacted me with that question.
So here are my thoughts.
I am not a professional therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist.

But .... I am a professional mother.
And happen to have a boatload of experience in not accepting myself ..... as I was.  As God made me.

For Moms:
1.  Never, ever, EVER utter ONE. SINGLE. WORD. about your daughter's weight.  Not about it being more than it should, less than it should or ..... just right.  There is only ONE exception to this rule:
2.  If your child, your daughter, expresses dissatisfaction with her weight, her appearance .... tell her ALWAYS that she is perfect the way she is.  We are not all born to be the same size, to look the same, to act the same.  She is beautiful.  Other people have probably told you that so let HER know that, too.
3.  Love your daughter, and show her that you love her, UNCONDITIONALLY.  You don't love her because she's well behaved.  You don't love her because she makes good grades.  You don't love her because she's a violin prodigy.  You love her because she's YOURS.  The way God loves us.  She canNOT make you love her less.  She canNOT make you love her more.  You.  Simply.  Love.  Her.
4.  You canNOT tell her too much how good she looks, whatever she's wearing (unless she's almost naked and then that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER issue!).
5.  Do NOT constantly talk about your body.  At all.  Don't belittle yourself, don't talk about wanting to lose weight, don't talk about plastic surgery, ...... just don't.  Talk about it to yourself in your closet with the door shut and a pillow muffling your voice, if you must.
6.  Do NOT continually go on diets.  Just in case you're not old enough to know this yet ..... diets don't work.  Forever.  If you are eating lots of crap in your house, then make a decision to eat healthier.  And call it that.  The word "diet", as a verb, should be like any other 4 letter word in your home.  It's not permitted.
7.  If your child is overweight try to do family activities that help .... like going on walks.  For instance, if your daughter says, "I really need to lose some weight." then why don't you say, "Actually, we all could be a little healthier around here.  Let's go for a walk!"  Or a bike ride, or off the playground .... whatever would be a physically healthy activity.  Don't make this your child's problem .... join her/him in being healthy.  You're not agreeing that she's overweight, your stating a fact.  We ALL do need to live more healthily.
8.  Make CERTAIN that the FATHER of your daughter tells her VERY, VERY OFTEN how beautiful she is.  Did you get that?  OFTEN!  As our daughters start to enter adolescence, fathers have a tendency to pull back, to hug less, talk less .... push away.  It's not a conscious thing .... it's more of a knee jerk reaction to their daughter starting to look, and act, like a woman ..... to her sexuality.
This is a critical time for her and she needs her father's touch, presence and love more than ever.  This is HUGELY important.  If a girl does not find love, acceptance and encouragement from her father (or another strong male family member/close friend .... for those without fathers) she WILL find it in another male.  Maybe not this year, or the next .... but she will.
9.  Try to phase the junk food slowly out of your home, if that's what you're eating/snacking on.  Always make eating healthier a family decision.
10.  It's never too late.  If you've already had words slip out of your mouth that you wish you could take back, go to your child and apologize.  Always, always apologize.  Be honest with her/him.  Let them know that this parenting thing is hard, no one gives us a manual before we leave the hospital, or take them from the adoption agency.  We don't have to pass any huge test to be a parent, unfortunately.  So admit your vulnerability to your child .... show it to them.  And tell them that you are doing the best you know how, but you can always learn more, especially if they help you and are honest and open with you.  Vulnerability is HUGE .... for everyone.  Our children find out soon enough that we aren't perfect, so it's best to admit it before they see us fall from the tall pedestal first.

And for Dads:
1.  See #8 for Moms.  And DO IT!
2.  Do each of the rest of the numbers, too .... and support your wife in this.  You are a team and together you are strong and a united front.  Together you can arm your daughter with confidence and love and support so that she can hopefully withstand the onslaught that girls receive in school, magazines, TV, movies and yes, books.  Help her see the real her every time she looks in a mirror.

So, that's all I have.  For now.  Maybe.
If anything comes to me I'll try to just add it to this post.
Or if you have any questions that you want to ask, I'll address those, too.

The bottom line?
Love your children.
Love them madly, crazily and unconditionally.
Set boundaries and expectations and then follow through when those boundaries are crossed and expectation are not met.
Unconditional love does not mean no discipline and no consequences.  It's a proven fact that children secretly like, and feel safer, with boundaries and rules (although don't go overboard in that direction, either).

I am not a perfect mother.
Not by a long shot.
But that's OK .... because there's no such thing.
I did my best.
Sometimes I failed.
Many times I failed.
But I didn't give up.
I will never give up.
Especially now that I am an only parent (as opposed to a single parent).
I don't have the luxury of giving up.
But then, no one does .... or should.

I hope this helps somebody out there.  Anybody.

Happy Sunday, Peeps.
:)