Nothing is Easy ....

.... but then, I guess that's what makes most things better.
If everything came easily in life, then we probably wouldn't appreciate most of it, would we?

Funny, even after 4 years of almost nothing being easy .... not one damn thing .... I still foolishly hold out hope that that fact will change.
That something, sometime, somehow .... will be easy.
I wonder why?

I don't really think that everything was easy before Jim died.
In fact, I can recall very many times that were too difficult to go through.  But then, there's not much choice about the "going through", is there?
It is what it is.
You get what you get.
And you go through.

But the difference is ..... things seem a hell of a lot easier to go through when you don't have to go through them alone.
And the past four years have taught me a hard truth .... I am very much alone.
I have wonderful family.
I have wonderful friends.
But at the end of the day ..... when the lights are out and it's just me in that big, empty bed .... I am alone.
And that fact is very hard to take in .... unless that's where you are.

So now I'm having to re-learn some things I've been taught these past few years.
And I suppose the saying is true:  You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Or .... maybe you can .... if you're patient enough.
I'm not sure I expect anyone to be that patient.
In fact, I don't expect it.
So maybe I don't recognize it.
Or give it its due.

I am a slow learner.
I've learned a lot of things in my "after" ..... but I was kicking and screaming the whole time.
I didn't want to learn them.
But there again .... it was what it was.
I got what I got.

And now, I have to give someone the chance to re-teach me some things.
And I need to be willing to learn .... in spite of what I've experienced.
In spite of what I know.
In spite of what I've learned can happen.

One would think it would be easy .... to learn how to have someone in your life again .... and everything that includes (and it includes way more than most people think).
And maybe it is easy for some people.
Maybe it's just me that isn't quick at this.
Maybe it's just me who, when things get hard, closes up quickly and firmly, like an oyster .... protecting what's inside.
Or .... what's left inside.
Maybe it's just me who instinctively withdraws ..... because I may talk a good talk .... but I am not a fighter.
If it comes down to fight or flight ..... I fly.

But ..... I'm trying.
It may not appear that I am, or that I'm trying very hard, but I am trying.
Because, in spite of what the last four years have taught me .... I do know, deep down, that nothing is easy.
And that the things worth having .... the people worth having .... are worth the effort.
I'm not giving up.
And I'm not flying.
Yet.

I'm trying.

Happy Tuesday, Peeps.
And no, this post had nothing to do with past weekend.
It was a great weekend .... in every aspect.
But that's all I'm giving you.
If you want more .... you'll have to wait till Wednesday .... and then put forth some effort to ask some questions.
It only seems fair .... right?
:)