One Look at a Medical Examiner's Report ....

.... equals a whole lotta crazy.

So, ummmm .... yeah.
Not a great day.
I seemed to experience a chain reaction of the multi-car pileup kind.
Only it was in my body, rather than on a freeway.

I'll try to explain this as best I can, but it's sort of like following "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie", which is pretty much how I've always operated, although with a lot more regularity over the past 4 years.

I started the day feeling a little unsettled, but not emotional.
And sleep-deprived .... but that's nothing new.
And then I went to Bible study, and the topic of this blog came up.
And I was able to say that it makes me grateful when I hear from someone who's connected with my writing, thus letting me know that Jim's death (and my way of dealing with it here) was not a complete waste (and then came home to read Gina's loving comment on yesterday's post!).   And for good, or for bad .... thinking about that/discussing it always makes me emotional.  It doesn't make me feel bad, or depressed .... just emotional.
Every.
Single.
Time.

Then I came home.
And hoped that I'd be able to take a nap.
But then I remembered that Son #1's car registration renewal never came in the mail.  And that it has now expired.
Which meant that I would have to go down to the court house to get it renewed.
(Son #1 is meeting Son #3 and me in Tulsa this weekend.  It's state fair time!  More on that later.  So .... I needed to pick up the renewal to be able to give it to him this weekend.)
Which meant that I was going to have to do a lot more than just get a renewal.
Jim's name is still on the title.
Actually, his name is on more than the title.
It's on 5 titles.
Yes, we have (as he always called it) .... a fleet.
Sigh.

So ..... having Jim's name on the title meant that I was going to have to fix that before I could renew it (when you renew it by mail, no one notices that the owner is dead).
And if I was going to have to take his name off , then I might as well take the other 4 titles in and have it taken off of them, too.
Which meant that I had to find:
1.  his death certificate
2.  his will (and copy the first two pages that name me as the executrix) .... and ....
3.  the letter of testamentary, which is where the court declared that I am legally in charge of the cars (and everything else)

Now, opening up my safe and pulling out the file that contains the death certificates is never, EVER a care-free, easy-to-do moment.
Yes, after 4 years one would think it would be an effortless task.
And while it is easier, much easier, now .... it's never something that I can accomplish without a small sense of dread.
Maybe some day.
Maybe not.
But that, it turns out .... was a walk in the park.

After pulling out that file, I had to go through the other files and find his will.  Also not something to be touched, or looked at, without a lump forming in my throat.
And today, I found a different copy.  One that held more than just the will.  Yes, it had the letter of testamentary, which I needed, but it also held a copy from the medical examiner's office.
And that is one item that I had never seen before.
Ever.

When I saw it, my stomach lurched.
And then dropped.
And my heart started to race.
I put it down for a moment .... trying to get past the rush of emotions and make myself put it back .... without reading it.
But I couldn't.
Couldn't get past the emotions and couldn't put it back.
So I read it.
Closely.
Making sure that I didn't miss a line, a checked box .... a signature.
And I don't know why.
Why did I do that to myself?
Why could I not just shove it .... and my emotions .... back into the darkness and security of the safe?

I don't have an answer .... except that I'm insane.
Or a glutton for punishment.
Or abnormal.
And a whole lotta crazy.

And that's exactly what I felt.
A whole lot.

Especially as the emotions built up inside of me, making it difficult to focus on gathering the items that needed to be gathered quickly, in order to leave in time to pick up Son #3 from school and then head to the court house.
By the time I got into the car, with hundreds of emotions and thoughts rolling over me like tsunami waves, I was trying to drive calmly through what felt like a panic attack.
I'm not a regular victim of panic attacks, so I'm not certain what one feels like.
I can only imagine.
And this was what I imagined.

I miss the "before" me.
She didn't ever get overcome by a whole lotta crazy.
She never had, nor wondered if she was having, a panic attack.
She didn't seem, nor feel, insane.

Yes, she was a bit less compassionate.
Less patient.
Less laid back.
But she was also less emotional.
And less likely to hyperventilate over a piece of paper.

I miss her.
Mostly.

And I wonder what man in his right mind will ever be able, or want, to stick around for a whole lotta crazy.
Even if it doesn't happen often .... or maybe ever again.
Because there's no guarantee that it won't.

And .... if I'm going to be truthful here .... and we all know that I can be too truthful .... it's not just the crazy factor that a man will have to consider.
That "dead husband thing" looms quite thickly in the air.
And on my left wrist.
Not to mention the hundreds of pictures around my home.

Add that to the "six kids thing" .... and the "fatherless teenage boys thing" .... AND the "blogging my life to the whole world thing" ..... and I'm destined to be a crazy, relationship-less widow.
Or a nun.
Although I suppose that finding a Baptist/Methodist/Lutheran nunnery might be easier said than done.
But hey ..... I could always start one.
And don't doubt for one moment that it would have a waiting list.
Hugely long list.
Totally.

In OTHER news (I know you're all thinking, "Thank God!  I was thinking I'd have to find the nearest cliff!") ..... yes, it's that time of the year.
You know ..... the "how many food items can be stuck on a stick and deep fried" time of year; the "are the number of tattoos on a person's body correlated to the number of missing teeth" time of year; the "how many genetically enhanced turkey legs can one person eat before throwing up on the Tilt-a-Whirl" time of year; the "how many thousands of booths can you walk past before someone suckers you in to buying a combination hair dryer/vacuum cleaner" time of year; the "should I stuff my face for a week so that my stomach expands to hold more or should I starve myself so that I can lose half the amount of weight I'm going to gain" time of year.
I know .... it's hard to not be jealous.
If I could, I'd pack all of you up with me so that you, too, could experience the personal growth (not to mention physical) that comes when exposing yourself to a different culture.
Instead, I shall have to suck it up .... and experience it all .... for you.
I know.
I'm totally selfless like that.
It's just how I roll.

On another note .... I get to spend time with many of my wonderful, supportive and loving "sisters" Friday night.  Some who are driving a couple of hours .... just to be there while I'm there.
If I think about it too much, I'll cry.
And trust me .... I've done far too much of that today.
So I'll just say that I love these women.
Madly.
Deeply.
And can't wait to hug each one of them.  And laugh with them.
So hard that tequila will be coming out of our noses.
Or maybe just water.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha .......

That's all for tonight, Peeps.
I'm sure I've drained you enough emotionally.
You need a break.

Happy Wednesday/Thursday.
:)