And sometimes .... that's the only explanation you have.
And really, that's all you need.
I know what I know.
That's all I've got.
And I'm great with that.
In fact, I'm pretty great in general.
Life has changed for me in the last month.
Not so much on the outside.
Not so much to people looking in.
Two new doctors were added to my life last week.
More crappy tests.
More stuff going on.
On the outside.
I have always enjoyed spontaneity .... in the right moments.
But I have been mostly stable and steady.
Have I had times when I've made bad decisions based on spur-of- the-moment feelings?
In a word .... absolutely.
Oh my word the stupidity.
I've had my moments.
But mostly? Mostly I've been very steady.
But the "after Janine" has learned a lot in the last four years.
I know what I know.
And while I may not have experienced a lot of life before I met Jim, I have experienced more life than anyone should have to since he died.
I have aged beyond my years.
In some ways.
I have learned more than I ever wanted to know.
But I have also learned wonderful things.
I have learned to know myself.
I have learned to trust myself.
I have learned that life is short .... and gifts are not to be taken lightly. Or for granted.
I have leaned that nothing, and no one, is guaranteed.
I have learned that when something, or someone, good happens .... you must enjoy it, or him, while you can.
Tomorrow is not a done deal.
I know what I know.
I know that I have more life behind me than in front of me.
I know what I want.
I know what I don't want.
I know what I like.
I know what I don't like.
I know that I am not willing to settle for less than I've had.
I know that I was incredibly blessed to have an amazing love and relationship with Jim.
And I know that if I were to never have that again, I'd be ok. I'd be more than ok. But I will not settle for less. Because it's better to have no relationship, than to settle for less than you want .... or need.
I have learned.
I know what I know.
I know that my heart has room for another love, without losing my love for Jim.
I hope that I will be blessed .... again.
And I look forward to the future.
And for what it holds.
For as long as it holds it.
Happy Tuesday, Peeps.
