And the Tears Turned Into .....

.... full blown hysterics.

Well, not the earlier tears.  I did manage to calm down and feel less overwhelmed.  I had a quiet day .... and night.  Sometimes quiet is a good thing.
Sometimes .... not so much.
I have way too much quiet.

But the day passed.
I spent most of the evening looking into insurance plans because I have to find a new one.  I knew that I had some months of cushion, but have had this on my "to do" list for a couple of weeks.  I was out of town last week so I decided to start perusing the internet last night.

Once I found a coverage that I thought might be ok (because let's face it .... none of them are "great"), I went into the study to get the letter my insurance company sent me a couple of weeks ago, telling me that I needed to contact them about extending my coverage if I wanted that extra cushion.  Otherwise my coverage would end on November 30th.

And here's where the hysteria came in.
As I glanced over the letter, I noticed that it said I had "21 days from the date of the letter to respond", otherwise they'd terminate my insurance on Nov. 30.
I looked up at the top of the letter.  It read .... October 26th.
I didn't receive said letter in the month of October.
In fact,  I didn't receive it until the middle of November ..... the week before Thanksgiving.  I didn't have 21 days before November 30th.  Granted, I failed to carefully read the letter .... or I would've sent it in ASAP.  I just glanced at it and then set it aside, thinking that I'd get to it after Thanksgiving.
Big mistake.
Big, BIG mistake.

As the realization that I have no health insurance started to sink in (and that my CHILDREN have no health insurance!), my breathing started to become very fast and shallow.
And the tears started to flow.
And I started pacing through the house, crying and saying thing out loud like, "Oh my God .... this can't be happening.  Oh Lord, what am I going to do?  How stupid can I be?!  What kind of a mother lets this happen?!!  Are you kidding me?!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!!"
You know, things like that.
And then the panic kicked in.

I looked at the letter for a phone number, but it was after 10:00 p.m. by then and I knew there'd be no one to talk to.
So I looked for an email address .... and found one.  I didn't have much faith in it as it was directed to "Info" .... but I typed one anyway.
And I groveled.  And begged.  And said that, although it probably didn't matter much, I had not received the letter 21 days in advance.  And I told Mr/Ms "Info" that I would be calling first thing in the morning but wanted to make sure I also sent an e-mail.

And at 7:30 this morning I had an e mail that read, "send in a check" .... and that was pretty much it.  So I also placed a call at 7:30 this morning and talked to a woman who basically said, "Send in a check." .... and that was pretty much it.  I asked if I could make a payment on line or over the phone and was told, "No."  No further explanation ..... just "No."  And no guarantees that my coverage would be extended even when they receive the check.

So I was at UPS at 8:00 a.m. sending a check by 2 day service (there was no next day guaranteed service).
We shall see what we shall see.
I might also add that yesterday was the day that I paid college tuition.
And the day that I received a notice from said insurance company that they were not covering any portion of my shoulder injection from last month.  Said injection occurred at a hospital who's bill is over $16,000.00.  Yep ..... as in THOUSANDS!  And my insurance company ..... or my ex-insurance company, which was NOT an ex on that date ..... has refused to pay one penny.

So there you go.
Add all that up, and don't forget to include various Christmas lists, end of year donations, Christmas gifts to family members far and wide, Jim's death date, the fact that Son #2 is supposed to have his wisdom teeth removed in a week or so, I'm supposed to have sinus surgery next week ....... and just the fact that the whole entire month of December has sucked for the last four years ..... and here's what you get:
Me.
In a full blown hysterical panic attack at home ..... alone.
Did I mention that I don't actually relish being home alone all of the time?

Thankfully Xanax has a long shelf life.
I took 2.
And then proceeded to fill out an online application with another insurance company.  Which was So Much Fun.  And included playing guessing games as to what exact date I had any surgery, checkups, doctor's names and phone numbers, kids' check ups ...... etc.
I think it took almost 2 hours.  But at least I was quite calm at the end of it.
I have no idea if they'll accept the application .... or how long they'll take to decide.
It's not in my hands.
And really, not much of anything ever is.

It's taking me a while, and it's mostly a long process .... but I'm learning to be more and more OK with things being out of my control.
Not always, as is evidenced by the last 2 posts ..... but I'm getting better.
Most days.
I will always have "off days".
And I imagine that the month of December will always be full of those.

But I'm also learning to do better with the things I can control.  And the relationships I can control.
Which mostly means that I'm learning to do better with my words, my actions ..... and my reactions (again, not always!).

Today was a better day.
A calmer day ..... but heck, it wouldn't take much to improve on that.  :)
I had my weekly ladies' Bible study this morning, went to a movie with Mom and D ..... or rather, tried to go to a movie with them.  The sound didn't work and we ended up walking out and getting our money back.
I ran a couple of errands and am now home for a bit before I go to my weekly Bible study with the high school kids.
It will be a good night.
It might not be a calmer night .... after all, this is a group of high school kids.  :)
But it'll be a lot more fun.

Hopefully this whining blog post has at least made you feel better about your day.
I certainly hope so .... for your sake.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

P.S.  Thank you so much for all of your comments and encouragement.  I'm so sorry that so many of you are going through the same "yuck" that is December ..... for the same reason.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to check in on me and to tell me you're there.  I'm so glad that we're not alone.  :)