Same Ol' Tears ....

.... are falling down my cheeks, which also means that my nose is a lovely shade of red (not really lovely at all) and is running like a faucet.
I am NOT a pretty cryer.  Never have been.  I hate those movies where the cute little female heroine cries and cries and cries .... and then 2 minutes later, takes a deep breath, gets ahold of herself and is ready to move on ..... with nary a sign that she just blubbered non-stop for an hour.
Hate them.

And yes, I have digressed again.

I am so sick of seeming to have to constantly deal with physical crap and doctors.
Exhausted-tired.
Disgusted-tired.
Frustrated-tired.
Angry-tired.
Very, very angry-tired.

Last night I missed our annual Christmas Tea at church .... haven't missed one of those in a very long time, if ever.  I was supposed to do a couple of readings.  And was looking forward to it.
But my throat has been bugging me for a few days and last night it started to hurt more, and my ears started to hurt.  And I started feeling really, really crummy.  And so I cancelled.
And then felt sad.
Really, really sad.
But I got better.  And enjoyed the evening at home.
This morning my throat feels much better.  My ears are still bugging me, but that should be taken care of next week.

Because next week, a week from tomorrow, I am going in for sinus surgery.  Septoplasty with Turbinoplasty to be exact.  I think it sounds worse than it is.
No big deal, in the grand scheme of things.  But a big deal to the inside of my nose.  Especially to my septum, which currently is in the shape of an "S".  Mine's special .... of course it is.
But it's supposed to be straight .... like an "l".
And so both of the ends will be broken and re-formed into a straight line.  And my turbinates, which are hugely swollen and evidently have been for decades, will be reduced in size.  Hopefully the outcome will be that I can breathe a whole lot better than I have in years and thus, generally feel better.  This should also solve the constant problem of sinus pressure and pain that I'm used to feeling (and should also help with the pain in the ears and throat that sometimes pops up).

But my tears are not for that .... not really.
I just got off of the phone with my doctor's office.  My regular doctor.
I had to have a pelvic ultrasound a week or so ago.
So.  Much.  Fun.
Ugh.
It was just to check things out and then to hopefully move along, thinking my body is just a little "flukey" once in a while.  No big news there.
But that's not what I found out this morning.
The nurse was reading the ultrasound report and muttered through the findings .... didn't understand the first word that could have been found, but heard the next sentence: "Or it could be a blood clot."
This didn't throw me .... it doesn't sound, nor is it, that big of a deal.  But the next two-word sentence she read did throw me: "Repeat ultrasound."
Again, not that big of a deal.
Unless you're tired.
Disgusted-tired, frustrated-tired and angry-tired.
Sick-of-everything-tired.

I don't know when I'll have it scheduled again.  She needs to talk to the doctor and see if she wants to give it some time, or send me right back in.

At this point, I'm not sure which is worse.

I do NOT want to go have that done again.
I am .... to put it bluntly .... pissed.
And overwhelmed.
And really ready to just pitch this body somewhere.
It hasn't been all that nice to me over the last few years.

So .... for now, and most likely just for now .... I'm crying tears of frustration and anger and feeling very, very overwhelmed.

So, during this already SO joyful time of year for me (hopefully you're noting the very thick coating of sarcasm I'm using .... because this time of year has pretty much sucked for me for the last almost-4 years) I now get to add these things to my schedule.
Can you feel the joy?  I think it's emanating from my pores.

I haven't done much at all to get ready for Christmas.  I have 6 children to shop for and I haven't shopped at all.  I used to have all of this knocked out before December 1st.  "Before".
Now I think about it for about 2 seconds, start to feel sick to my stomach, and so think about something else.
I hate this part of Christmas now (the gift-buying) .... more than anything else.  Well, not as much as the fact that Jim's not here .... that's the thing I hate most, but right after that comes the whole gift thing.
It's too much.
Too much pressure.
Too much expectation.
Too much money.
And it's not what the focus should be.
But I don't change anything .... other than how late I tend to get things done.

So there you have it.
A little pity party .... attended by one.
Hopefully I'll pull myself together shortly, and will start getting things accomplished around here.
And won't shed any more tears over a stupid ultra sound.
Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
Not at all.

Thanks for listening/reading, Peeps.
Happy Tuesday.  :)
(Hey .... I'm working on the smile!)