What Would He Say ......

...... if he were to come back for a moment or two ...... after five years?
What would he think of how I've handled his death ...... and my "after"?

It's interesting that just typing those two sentences brings tears to my eyes.  Tears that run down my cheeks as I type.
I think part of that is because I know that he will never come back, not even for a moment or two, and it breaks my heart to even ponder that.
And I think the tears also come because I know that his heart would be broken ...... at how broken my heart became.  And how dark my world became.

But what would he say?
I think the first thing he would say is, "I'm sorry."  Not that he could've stopped death from taking him out of that surgical room.  I know that.  Jim would not have chosen death over us.  Ever.  But the choice was not his.  And he'd still say he was sorry.

He'd say that he knew how much I hurt when he left, and how alone and cold and dead I felt.  And then he'd say that he never doubted for a second that I would keep breathing, that I would survive his death ...... and the grief that would move into my soul.

He'd tell me that he always knew how strong I was ...... and that even when I doubted if I'd live to see another day, he knew better.
He'd say that he's proud of me ...... and that I should be proud of me, too, even though he knows I'm not.
He'd tell me that of course I grieved hard ...... because I loved hard.  He didn't expect less.  He'd also say that he knew that I did the best I could ...... and that my best was pretty damn good.

He'd say that he's proud of our children.  They may have made choices that we wouldn't have chosen for them, but we raised them to do just that:  make their own choices.
He tell me that he knew that our oldest got accepted to Harvard ...... and that it made him grin from ear to ear.  He say that he's been watching all of them ...... and that he knew they'd be ok.  He would wish that he could be here for marriages and grandkids ...... to enjoy them with me, but that he'd be watching them anyway ...... and enjoying them, too.

He'd tell me to stop blaming myself for mistakes I made and wish I hadn't.  "Everyone makes mistakes, Janine.  The point is to learn from them.  And you did."

He'd tell me how very, very proud he is about the work I'm doing to support and encourage other widowed people.  He might even wipe away a tear or two as he tells me he's glad that I used his death, and my grief, to be a positive force in the lives of others.  And ...... he say that I always had made a difference in the world ...... at least to his and the childrens' world.

And when it was time for him to leave, he'd hold me ...... and tell me that he's never stopped loving me ...... and that he never will.  And that means that he wants me to be happy ...... and to grab onto love if it ever comes my way again.

I can almost hear his words now ...... the last words he said to me 5 years ago ...... the last words he'd say again if he had the chance:  "I love you.  I'm proud of you.  And I'll see you soon."
And I'd have no doubt, just as before, that they were true.





Today is Blog Hop Wednesday!!  Be sure to stop by the blogs listed below, read their posts and leave them an encouraging comment.
Thanks, Peeps and Happy Hopping!!!

Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Red’s The M3 Blog
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Marriott of Miracles and Answers to the Prayers in the Life of Marriott Cole
Christine of Widow Island
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Carolyn at Modern Widow’s Club
Andrea of International Brotherhood of Single Mothers
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
From Me to We: A Young Widow’s Journey