I'm in NY, watching the snow come down at quite a pace, and am loving being here. Me, the person who hates cold weather with a passion. The person who admits to being a wimp beyond all wimps when it comes to temps below 40 degrees. And yet there I was .... more than one time today, out walking in what has been called a "blizzard". And lying in the snow in Central Park, making a snow angel.
Go figure.
I love it here.
It feels like home.
And I'm really not sure why.
I've always loved NY, but to live here, knowing only one person in the entire city, and being perfectly content and ..... happy ...... to be here?
It seems crazy.
So call me crazy.
If I were a therapist, or something akin to a therapist, I'd say that it's obvious.
This city, for me, has nothing to do with Jim. Not really.
Even though we spent time here together.
Even though we were here two days before 9/11.
Even though we came here for Jim's brother's wedding.
Interestingly enough, when I think of NY, I don't think of those times. Not at first.
I think of the other times I was here. The times I brought the girls. The time I came here as a teenager.
For some strange reason, I don't think of Jim when I think of NY.
Some strange and very wonderful reason ...... that I don't understand.
For widowed people who are early in their grief ...... that's hard to understand. And seems very, very horrible.
You can't ...... you don't ...... picture a time when you will not think of your loved one 24 hours a day. Every day. Without ceasing.
I remember that time.
And I am so thankful that I've made it beyond that time.
Though I doubted ...... no, I knew that I would not ...... survive that time.
Yet here I am.
A survivor.
A survivor who can say, without a doubt, that she's happy.
That life is good.
It's not the life I wanted. Not the life I would have chosen. Ever.
But it's the life I was given.
And so I live.
I'd rather live with him ...... but that's not an option.
And I'm used to that now.
I made the choice to live. And to be happy.
And yes, at some point ...... I'm not sure when ...... it became a choice.
So here I am ...... sitting in a small apartment in NY, watching the snow fall.
And looking forward to the day when I can stay here for longer than a few days.
What a difference 5 years makes.
Happy Friday/Saturday, Peeps. And for those of you who need this ...... Keep breathing. :)
5 comments:
It's so wonderful to hear about that happiness - you so deserve it! I totally get the feeling of beig happy in a place. I feel that way when I am in Oregon, especially on the beach or out in the woods... the clean fresh air... just love the energy there. I definitely feel the opposite of that in Houston... I think Liz Gilbert talks about places having an "energy" in Eat Pray Love and I do think that is true!!
so glad you are happy!!!! So good to see a glimpse of what can be down the road for so many of. And selfishly, glad that you may be spending more time on the east coast!
*big grin*
Glad you're weathering the storm well, Janine! I just posted pics on FB of our neighborhood here in RI.
It's wonderful to hear how happy you sound!
I know the feeling you describe. I only wish my daughters can understand that i didn't chose to be a widow but I did chose to move on with my life. I will never forget their father who they can find no fault but to live my life as their mother who in their eyes is full of faults and flaws. Go figure.
I'm so glad you are loving it! So glad you are happy..
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