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...... like someone alone in a canoe ...... with no oar, no compass.
I feel as though I'm living in some kind of in-between layer of life. It feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore ...... like a tree that's been cut away from its roots.
No place feels like "home" right now, or whatever "home" used to feel like.
My house in Texas is on the market and most of the time I feel like that's the right decision. But then the shadow of doubt creeps in and starts to cloud my mind and I don't know what's right for me.
I love NY, but I wonder if I'll be too lonely in the long run. I know that sounds crazy to most people ...... how can you feel lonely in a place where almost 8 million other people live?
I also know that I don't have to explain that feeling here. You get that. You have most likely felt the same dark loneliness in a room full of people.
I used to feel that way often in the first year or two of grieving. I thought that it had passed.
I was wrong.
I seem to feel lonely no matter where I am. Not all of the time, but definitely more lately. Home is no longer "home", but then ...... neither is anywhere else.
I miss my roots.
I have no doubt that I'd be feeling something quite like this if Jim were alive. After all, our youngest child left for college 2 months ago. I know that this is partly "empty nest syndrome".
But I also know that this "rootless" feeling is another result of his death.
In a world full of couples, of shifted relationships, of empty bedrooms ...... the person I most belonged with is missing. The one relationship here on earth that I knew was as solid as stone no longer grounds me ...... no longer helps me feel that I belong.
Experience tells me that this feeling will most likely pass.
It also tells me that it may take some time.
It does not, however, tell me what I should decide.
Or where I should put down new roots.
That's where hope comes in.
I hope that this loneliness will fade soon and that I'll be able to decide what my next step should be.
And I hope that I will once again feel a sense of belonging.
Wherever my canoe lands.
3 comments:
Awww Janine, I wish I had some magical words that would lift your spirits, but I'm a realist and I know that this is a solitary struggle. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. XXO
H.
Yes, Janine, you just described my life perfectly. I am surrounded by loved ones but I feel completely alone. I also want to move to NYC but I'm afraid I will be even more alone. I have 2 homes but I feel alone and adrift in both of them. I'm working hard to be involved in life again but, as you said, I feel alone in a room full of people. We can only hope that this too shall pass. Soon I hope:)
I have told you before how much of what I feel, I read in your blog!! I am just 18 months into my journey, but I know the feelings you describe. For me, the unsettled feeling isn't quite as bad at this point. I have 5 years until I can retire so I will stay where I am until then. My daughter is graduating from college in December and wants to be in NY. I have often thought that if she is still there, I will rent out my home and move there for a bit too. I just want to encourage you to hang on to your faith of a better future, and hope that this note finds you feeling better. I have been missing the "just being" lately. I told my daughter the other day- I miss the knowledge that no matter what else was going on in the world, we had each other and that is all that mattered--that feeling of being settled-- contentment. I miss it terribly. One scripture that helps me when I'm feeling scared or unsettled about my future is Job 42:12--The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the former part. -- I know that if God did that for Job, he will do it for me as well!! I hope you have a good day today Janine. You have helped me so much over the months. I would like to think this might help you.
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