Actually all of those times that you get on the way down this long fall are full-body slams. "Bump" was way too nice of a word.
I've beem taking the stairs almost every time I go anywhere. Eleven flights of stairs. And you want to know the reason? Because it hurts. Because it makes me feel something other than this indescribable pain in my heart, soul, head and body. For the first time in my life I totally umerstand why someone would "cut" themselves to ease the pain they feel inside. Now don't go freaking out and worry that I'l start doing that. Geesh --- who do you think would have to clean up the mess? Me! So, not that I'd ever do it, but I totally get it.
Yesterday during my second Bible time I realized that I'm not in agreement with Paul or James. You know Paul -- the "give thanks in everything" guy. He was never married. Never cleaved to someone or made his heart one with her. Sure, he cleaved to Jesus, but I'm being human and emotional here. Can't manage the "give thanks" part.
And James -- the "consider it joy when you have to suffer" man. I have decided that: a. he was never married, or b. if he was, he didn't like her.
So not sure if this will get me kicked out of the LCMS, but I'm feeling in sync with those 2 at the moment.
So yesterday was the Caymans. We got off for a couple of hours (except Son #2 ... still worried about the Sons. They don't talk much about any of this). We wandered around a bit and bought the obligatory Tortuga Rum Cake (Jim loved it). The last time we were here we had to wait in a long line to get back to the ship, during which time JIm launched into a long, drawn out story about a man named Captain Tortuga who moved here hundreds of years ago to start a turtle farm. He was so successful that they made him the General and he discovered the recipe for the rum cake. The story was much longer than this and so full of BS that there wasn't a shovel big enough to handle it. But we loved it (and called him a huge dork for making it up). Too bad we didn't have a camera to video that. Too bad I haven't had a video going 24/7/365 x 25 + years.
Lis, saw the pics and they're gorgeous. They look just like you.
WH- I do get e-mail though I don't respond because of the time constraints.
We have mixed feelings about coming home. Here people don't know --- although after yesterday we're not too sure. I took the kids to a hamburger place on ship for lunch (Johnny Rockets). We had to it at 2 seperate and distant tables but had the same waiter. When my table was done he came to gave me the check (they charge extra for JR) and said, "I want you to know that I think you are a very strong woman." He was so so soft-spoken and quiet that I had to ask him to repeat it. He did. He eyes were very kind and gentle. Not sure if it was because he knows what's going on with us (what's in he computer) or because I have 6 kids. But it was nice.
I've seen almost everyone of you on this ship. Now I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Maybe it's God's way of sending comfort. Thank God I haven't seen anyone who remotely looks like Jim. Not sure I could trust myself near the ship's side if that happened.
Thank you all for being there. Especially those who are writing from farther than Texas. You all mean so much to me.
6 comments:
I enjoy reading about your experiences out there, and get a smile out of your memories of Jim, and your humor about the Bible. Maybe you should read Job for a while :) Or some Psalms where David is like "why do you leave me alone and miserable, how long can I take it?!" (paraphrasing). In my experience there will never be a time when you can thank God or rejoice in the suffering or loss itself (it will always be unfair and sorrowful that it happened), but there may be a time when you will rejoice in the wisdom gained from the suffering and the many fruits and flowers that will have been planted from your own witness - your faith is very strong and the ability to question and be angry at God is evidence itself (not that I'm an expert, just in my experience and humble opinion). It's a different loss altogether but (I hesitated about putting this on here but it's all on my blog anyway and will also be in my book, so oh well) I was raped when I was 15 but I didn't have a close family at all, so as a result I told no one and just blamed myself until I was about 30 and went through counseling. Needless to say as a teen, I did externalize my inner pain and still have scars. All I can say is thank God He is the great physician, the great healer. I am truly healed. I also found from my and friends experiences kids deal with loss different ways, and at different times. During my divorce (different loss but a loss) daughter cried every day saying it was the worst thing in the world that ever happened to her (and it was) but son didn't say anything, didn't cry. It took a couple years before he talked about it and then it was like once. I think they all deal differently - some will act out and misbehave, others will bury it inside or get depressed, some will cry and talk about it. It may just be too painful for them to integrate right now, and kids seem to be able to almost go on as if nothing happened (a friend of my daughter's at her school lost her dad suddenly a couple years ago and I saw this in her behavior to some extent). I think the most wonderful thing is how close of a family you have and how aware you are of each child so that when they're ready to deal with it you will be there and know what they need. I hope I didn't say too much or the wrong things... just sharing my experiences and just ignore if they are obvious or stupid! :) Sending our love, W, S & S (I always remember son #3 as a tow-headed little 4 or 5 yr old when I taught him in Sunday school - does he/you remember that. For a while I didn't recognize him in church b/c his hair color changed!)
Thank you for your blog - your authenticity has been an encouragement to me. It's weird because I feel like I need to encourage/serve you and yet you are serving me. See you soon-
Love-
Denise
You are in my prayers daily, and I agree with the waiter at Johnny Rockets, you are a very strong woman.
Lyn
Janine,
Glad to hear you are taking the stairs, hmm no pain no gain. Questions to ponder - okay your Jim is in heaven - are we suppose to be happy for him because we know he made it? Can we be both happy and sad at the same time regarding the same situation?
Moni B.
Hi Janine,
Just want to tell you that while there is so much hurt, reading your blog and still sensing your wit and humor is wonderful. I am thinking of you and praying for you constantly. I think it's just wonderful you and the kids have had this special time together to share tears, memories, and maybe even a few laughs. Hugs to you my friend!
Love to all, Jenni Baeder
Janine:
Carey and I just got back from Georgia last night. I met up with him and my son a few days after my Aunt's funeral in New Jersey. I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you out.
I'm not very good at this "internet" stuff. After reading your "blog" I just say - it is so you. I cannot imagine how difficult all this is for you and the kids, nor do I have any words that will ease your pain. But - please know that I have been thinking of you and will keep you all in my prayers.
Will see you when you get back -
Love - Eileen Gordon
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