I realized yesterday, as those two words kept going through my head, that that's how I feel: as if I'm falling and falling and falling. I feel as though I can't wait to hit the bottom really, really hard so that the falling will be over. But last night, I had another realization. There are a lot of hurtful bumps on the way down. I saw a couple holding hands. We held hands -- a lot. So much so that it really bugged the kids (don't even get me started about a pat on the butt!). I thought I was pretty much in control yesterday until that sight. The thought of his hand never being in mine again was more than I could stand. Then I couldn't even watch "Shrek 3" without hurting. Or the Christmas ice skating show on board. I had been trying to hold it all in for the kids yesterday. And to my support team: I went through most of the day on my own (and I know you know what that means). I realized last night that my doctor really does know best.
The kids went to a magic show last night (I was too exhausted to go, so Daughter #3 stayed behind to babysit me, no matter how much she denies it). Then I met them for dinner (we have the 8:30 seating -- too bad I'm not a New Yorker). Then we went back to the "girls" room and watched "A Christmas Story". That was nice and we all love that movie.
Today I was more worried about Son #3. He says that he's having "fun" but his eyes look just like mine: dead. But then something good happened. An hour or so ago he ran into a girl that he's gone to school with since kindergarten. So another KW family is here. She was glad to see him, as she's a bit shy and doesn't like hanging around kids she doesn't know. And he was glad to see her. So they're going off to ice skate later. His smile looked real.
I wish I knew how to help all 6 of them. We are all grieving and we are all grieving in our own unique and individual ways. They don't know how I feel. I don't know how they feel. We can only imagine.
I just found some text messages that many of you have sent. That was good. And I've read all of the comments (if this dang internet wasn't so slow I'd reply to each of you). But I do have to say--- W.H. --- you made me smile with the "glow worm" song. Thank you.
Son #2 is still hanging with the teens until 1:00 a.m. (thank God for the ship's curfew).
I wish I could say that I'm lying by the pool enjoying the frozen beverages non-stop. I have managed to drink one. Funny how your heart can even not be into doing that. The girls and I did spend the morning in the sun --- it's much warmer now.
I'm trying to read but can only seem to focus on one or two sentences before my mind wanders. It's a good thing I'm not trying to read "Gone With The Wind".
Oh, and I meant to post this earlier:
The teacher came to the memorial and she came through the line to meet me. She was lovely (and young) and heart broken for us. So I felt guilty about previous posts. Her heart is in the right place and she's trying. (I still may let the machine pick up the phone when caller i.d. shows a school, though.)
Thank you again for ALL of the comments, texts and prayers.
We're taking it one second at a time.
And I do wish all of you a good Christmas with your families.
14 comments:
Baby steps! I love you!!!
I'm so glad I got a smile out of you from the glow worm story. :) I worried it may have been to obnoxious to post, but then I thought you might appreciate it! I think you have a real writing talent and wonder if one day you may want to write a book. People love humor, and you may not feel like it right now but you're a rock and an inspiration to many. That may be a long time off but maybe something to think about. I know for me journaling and writing (much of which never sees the light of day) has been healing through some very traumatic times. I'm reading Water for Elephants (listening to, rather) and saw that is one of your favorite books. It had been on my list to read and came available at the library. The beginning, of course, broke my heart when he described how he felt after his wife of 40 years died. One of my close friends lost her husband to cancer in 03 when he was 37 and she blogged through her grief and maybe you might enjoy reading through it one day. They also were both devoted Christians and very much in love. One thing she did was spend days and months just reliving the memories, looking at photos, videos, and wearing his sweatshirt, his ring, etc. People sometimes felt uncomfortable talking about Joel, didn't know if they should say his name or bring it up but it helped her - she wanted to talk about him and couldn't enough. I'm sure for everyone grief is different but I've heard that before too. She's an amazing woman too and is doing really well now. www.joelmagnussen.com. Or if you go to http://joelmagnussen.com/oct03.htm That is the journal when she took it over (10/2/03). On her 1st entry after his death she put the passage that was on the front of Jim's memorial service 2 Timothy 'I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.' This is kinda long and you don't need to post it if you don't want - or you can - whatever you want :) Just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm thinking of all of you and praying for you!
Janine,
I have been following your blog and
I have been trying to e-mail you
ever since Jim died, but I have not been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.
Everything I want to say seems so
insignificant. More than anything I
just want you to know that I cherish your friendship and I wish
there was something I could do to
ease the unimaginable pain that you
must be going through. I have always admired your strength, your
wit and sense of humor. I will continue to pray for you and hope that each second will become more
bearable. I know that God will bring you through this, of this I'm
sure and I will be here for you when you need a friend. You and the
kids have so many people who love you!!! I will continue to follow your blog and will be praying for you.
Love ya,
Gina
PS I hope that we (your friends and family) can put enough pillows and soft snuggly blankets down that you do not land HARD when you hit bottom of the free fall. And that we can maybe make silly faces or tell you enough stupid things our kids do (like the glow worm up my b*&^ song) to at least make you smile a few times on the way. We love you!!!
Glad you are blogging every day as I am experiencing extreme "friend withdrawal" after spending the last week with our dear, dear friends. Christmas Eve at CTK was difficult without you--as I can't even remember a Chrismas eve when I haven't searched for you and your family for our traditional hugs.
We always knew that son #2 is "hawt"--how many times has he told us this!!
Glad to hear about son #3 finding a friend. He is a sweet, sweet boy.
The dogs just enjoyed their "christmas ham". I may have to hurt a couple of wienie dogs (note the plural tense) if they keep up their endless barking at nothing. Love and miss you--di
Janine,
Thank you so much for sharing your blog with us. You are such a blessing. After all you have been through and I noticed you still have your cleaver wit. Moni B.
I have avoided the blog until today. I want to honor you and Jim and don't feel I have the words. I have the heart but it is broken for you. I am just a friend who loves you and would give anything for you to have your boyfriend back. Glad the boy #2 is doing well hope #3 is doing better and the girls I know are your rocks. You are theirs. How is boy #1? I like him lots and lots.Didn't know him well before now.I will leave you a letter that I am composing and changing daily at your house before I leave. We have all been so cheated. But you most of all. I wanted to know him more and you with him. Love you- Ann
I pray aften, for all of you! I know being on the cruise is hard, but relish the time spent with each other. Tell son #2 that even in MY book, he's an official stud! By the way, the bid to try to move to your town is going quite well!!!
Love ya and can't wait to talk to ya soon!
Bro
I'm so glad that Son #3 found a buddy. He re-broke my already broken heart when I looked into his eyes on Saturday.
Son #3 is a stud and I'm proud of him.
I love all of your kids dearly and I love you. Keep typing. This is better therapy than you could ever know. We are all reading and praying for you.
Your blog is comforting ME ... somehow this seems backwards. You and your precious family are still constantly in my thoughts and prayers. My heart hurts when I awake in the morning and suddenly remember. I probably can't even imagine what you are all going through.
I think this cruise was a great idea, even if for a temporary distraction. I'm sure God seems very far away right now, but hang in there, like Al said. (By the way, Al also comforted ME.)
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Janine ... we just received a box of fresh cut flowers from Nicki and Gary Jockers (white roses)(fedexed 12/20). What would you like us to do with them? They are tucked in a sealed water container.
Jo/CTK
I don't want to dominate the comments here... but was thinking you might appreciate my bizarre dream. I dreamt that I was in a huge aquarium in a canoe "hunting" marine mammals - there were whales and sea lions and seals and I could talk to them. The baleen whales were scheming with me on how to kill the seals (odd since baleen whales eat krill which is tiny shrimp). And double bizarre because I'm a vegetarian and an avid environmentalist - so why the heck am I scheming with the whales on how to kill seals? Then all of a sudden I was in Christ the King and someone was rearranging grapefruit. Go figure. Oh well, maybe I am a nutcase after all ;) I'm heading to Dallas now... xoxo
(PS daughter just said, reading over my shoulder, "MOM you definitely ARE a nutcase")
J's Sis--you out there? Email or call me (Diane). We need to talk.
J's Bro--hoping things work out for you to move to our lovely hometown.
Last but not least--J--have to go to the Dr this afternoon. You're never going to guess why! I guess I touched Son #2 too much! Was tempted to just call in his refill and use it myself but thought that might be a little presumptious (sp?) on my part. Ha! Love you--Di
J,
My heart hurts so much for you, and I find myself wanting to be close to you, to hug you through this terrible pain. We grew up so far away from each other, but this has shown me that there is still a heart connection that I feel very deeply. I can't stop thinking about you and the kids and I'm praying for you every night. My dear sister...I read through much of your blog today and laughed at how much alike we sometimes are!
I don't get to see you enough and I regret all of the time that I have missed with you.
Janine, I wish I had the magic to make this all go away. I wish I had the words to make you feel better and to make your landing easier, but all I can do is tell you that I'm here...and I really DO love you. I'm definitely coming to see you in a couple of months
I really need to hug you!
Don't be afraid to cry...just send the kids off for an hour or two and give yourself a break from being tough. Letting some of it out now should ease the build-up and allow you to unwind a little.
I'm here if you need me...every day, every hour, every minute.
I love you so much,
Lis
You are on my mind, in my heart, and the focus of my prayers- nonstop.
How is son #1 doing?
I am so glad #3 found a friend!
I am so glad you are blogging! I, like Di, have been going through very severe friend withdrawals. So much so, that I told J.D. that all I wanted for Christmas was the ability to text message you so that I could keep in contact with you and not have to call Di and Ann every few hours to see if you had texted and how you were doing. I went to church today to drop some things off to M.C. and Jo asked me if I have been checking your blog- I thought, silly me! I hadn't even thought about you blogging on the ship! I am so glad you are!!!
You don't have to read Gone with the Wind- we can watch it together when you get home.
SUV is on the mend- J.D. just called C.B. to give the goahead. Please tell my future D.I.L. I said hello and I love her. Please tell my favorite vegatarian and the incredible young woman who was amazing beyond words with her "words" on Saturday, that I love them too.
There is a letter waiting for son #1 from a certian university he fancies quite a lot!
I love you!!! Di just walked in- we needed to see each other because we miss you!!! Love you! Kim
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