Pre-post note: Don't forget that tomorrow is "Ask Me Wednesday". I have a few questions but would love to have more.
Now, proceed at your own risk.
Seriously.
Son #1 with his favorite guy:
Yep, the mask has slipped back on. The one that says, "I'm doing fine. And you?"
I hate this mask. But I hate how I feel more, so I wear it. Mostly in public. Well, always in public now that I think of it. And many times around people I know.
I can't believe how differently I feel from just a week ago.
I should have known.
I had an interesting meeting today. I man I respect thought he heard me say one thing, when in my head I was totally saying something else. So he proceeded to advise me, based on what he heard, and told me "what to do".
And I not only slipped a mask back on, but I locked it firmly in place. This was the mask that said, "OK. Sure." And, "You're right".
Because wearing that mask was so much easier than screaming, .... "this is not what I need to hear!"
I know the "what to do's". Heck, I was telling people about the same exact "what to do's" last night at Grief Share.
But knowing what to do and being able to cope enough to do it is totally different.
It wasn't this man's fault. I should've taken off the mask. But when you're in a room full of people it's easier to wear the mask. Much easier.
I wanted to let him know that he didn't read me right at all. Not at all. I wanted to tell him that what I really want to do is leave. I want this pain and loneliness to end. I want to stop crying myself to sleep at night because of how much I miss him. I want to stop having to make huge decisions that gain me no certainty. I want to stop being alone. I want to wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been a horrific nightmare and have Jim hold me in his arms and reassure me.
I want .... everything .......... and nothing that I can have.
I want ....... nothingness.
Too bad I can't clone myself so that the clone could take over for me and I could just slip away. I wonder if anyone would notice? I'm so different than I was "before" that I sometimes feel like a clone of my former self.
And please, please, please don't feel pity for me, or get upset for me or call to make sure I haven't done anything.
I'm not crying for help.
I'm just crying.
Honestly.
I left the mask in my car. I have to be sure to take it with me tonight.
8 comments:
First of all, your idea of waking up and finding its all a dream reminds me of "Dallas"...and the fact that it's a whole lot easier to write the story when it's all been a dream than to live with what reality has become. Hmm...and I just thought the Dallas thing was a cop out.
Second...thanks for telling me I could give you a hug...I wanted to, but felt awkward asking...Sometimes we need a reminder that you could still use a hug...it's so much easier for us to imagine that you are doing better, too.
Third, and on a TOTALLY different vein...maybe this is for ask me Wednesday...since you read so many books, Have you ever read "Shopaholic and Baby"? (Sophie Kinsella) There's no redeeming value in this book except that it's laugh out loud funny, and I thought it might give you a mindless lift, if you're interested...I'm ready to go get one of the other books in the series (this is the fifth of 5).
I think it's okay to pickup the mask again for a moment, if it helps you get through something without "losing it", just don't forget it's only meant to be temporary. we love you j, with or without the mask. susan
Wish I could BE THERE to hug you! The physical-ness of your grief (needing Jim to hold you) must be so incredibly real. I can feel it here. I think about you every day and hope that drop by drop, the expression of your grief wears away the harshness of it. Much love, as always, friend, especially now.
Dear J,
I'm sorry - I still don't know what to say. Don't ever feel bad about wearing a mask if it helps you and don't worry if it slips. You've got great friends who understand. A gift of this blog is that you are able to let people know how you are feeling and realize that the mask is optional.
"And now for something TOTALLY different..." Can you believe we watched Monty Python most Saturdays? Mom kinda groused about it when the naked ladies popped up. I digress... My Wednesday question is for H1. She LOVES to read but has hit a dry spell on new authors. She likes classics, mysteries, teen lit (not the raunchy stuff), even some manga. What books did W, K, and L enjoy?
Love you,
A
i'm so sorry it's still so hard. That's not pity! :) Just empathy. I can't even imagine, but just know you are loved and prayed for.
Again...I love you. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hate that you cry yourself to sleep at night and that you are just crying. I'm crying with you now if it's any comfort, which I know it is not. I love love love you. Miss you!
I just wanted to share with your local bloggees(?) that there is a great article in the Tribune this week about daughters#2+3 and their mission trip to Africa and the Christmas CD. The article is on page 3B.
J-I know there are no right words to say to you other than I am so, so sorry and I love you.
wait, what tribune? do you have the link Nat? I want to read the article!
"I wanted to tell him that what I really want to do is leave. I want this pain and loneliness to end. I want to stop crying myself to sleep at night because of how much I miss him. I want to stop having to make huge decisions that gain me no certainty. I want to stop being alone. I want to wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been a horrific nightmare..."
Can I still say "AMEN to that" if I am agnostic?
Post a Comment