What You Need To Know ......

...... in case the "unthinkable" happens to you.

And what you need to do.

Please know that this is in no way an exhaustive list.  It might be an exhausting list, but I don't pretend to have all of the answers.  Just the ones I can think of right now.
Which also means that I may come back periodically to edit this post, as thoughts come to me.

I am also posting comments/suggestions that were sent in by other widows.  I'll put them at the end of this post.

I'm going to start with all of the things that you can do now to make things easier, should "it" happen.

I think this is going to take more than one post.  Or I'll be typing all night.
Especially if I include my soapbox lectures (thank you for permission, Dina!).

Buckle your seat belt.
Here we go ......

#1.  I canNOT emphasize this enough.  I would stand on a soapbox all day and all night if it would help one husband (if the husband is the main source of income in your home) do it:  GET LIFE INSURANCE.  And get more than you think you'll need because you're going to need a lot more than that.

  a.  You can get insurance that will pay off the mortgage on your home, should your spouse die.  I HIGHLY recommend this.  HUGELY.

  b.  Sit down and look at how much income you're living on now.  If your spouse were to die tomorrow, you'd need to plan on how much you'd need to get you to the age of 80, which is the average age before kicking the bucket, or so I'm told.  When you do this, factor in college, weddings, and the rise in the cost of living.
Yes, you may decide to return to work or start working for the first time in several years, but if you don't have to return the week after the funeral, you don't want to.  Or the year after.
If you do return/go to work you may need to add childcare into the equation.

  c.  There are websites you can go to to help you figure out how much you'd need (I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but it's a LOT more than you think it is).  See Marian's comment below.  Way below.  At the bottom.
Or close to it.

  d.  If your husband is the major source of income, then you won't need as much life insurance on yourself as you'll need on him.  He'll need enough to cover daycare if you have small children, and your salary if you work.

#2.  I canNOT emphasize this enough, either:  GET A WILL.  Yes, it's more important than you think it is.  A will "seals the deal", so to speak.  Especially if you've filed it with an attorney (which I highly recommend.  Yes, in most states you can do your own will, and file it with the court clerk (don't forget that step -- hugely important) but if you can use an attorney, then he'll do the major work for you when "it" happens.  Like probating the will.  Appearing in court to say that yes, he is indeed dead and yes, this was his last will and testament and all the T's are crossed.  You don't want to have to do that.  Nor should you.  But there's a lot of things you shouldn't have to do that you'll have to do.  I digress.  Kind of.)
Some states will let you hand-write a will and then just hang on to it (some states also let you marry at 13 ...... that doesn't mean it's a good idea).
Most probably require at least a notary and a witness or two.

  a.  Again, check out what the rules are in your state (just Google: Dying without a will in _______: What Happens?  You'll get a lot of info there.  Just be sure to actually place the name of your state where I typed the blank.  It helps.  Really.)
Texas is a community property state, meaning that if you're married at the time of death, the surviving spouse gets all property acquired since the marriage began.  This, however, depends upon whether or not you have children, he has other children, etc.  If you survive your husband, and the two of you had children born during that marriage, you get everything.  There are other situations where you'd get 1/3 and 2/3 is divided amongst his surviving children, or his parents, etc.  That's why you need to either read up on your state's requirements, or hire an attorney.
Hiring an attorney is MUCH easier.  You don't have to spend a lot of money to get a decent one.  And trust me, it will be money well spent.

  b.  A will also helps ensure that what you want done when you die ...... gets done.  Though most people wouldn't think of this ...... someone may disagree with your wishes, or your spouse's wishes.  Death brings out the best in some people ...... and the absolute worst in others.  And families have gone to battle at a time that seems unthinkable.  I've heard horror stories.  From real widows.
You may think it could never happen.  You may be wrong.  Protect yourself.  Protect your spouse.  Protect your children.
Get a will.

  c.  Aside from stating who you want to inherit your property, you may need to also state who will be the guardian of your minor children, should you both die.  You'll also want to state who will be the executor of the estate, should you both die.  And though you might think that you don't own an "estate", anything you own is lumped into that word. You don't have to be the Trumps ..... that's just what it's called.

  d.  You can also put your medical wishes in your will.  What measures you want done, or not done, should you become incapacitated or in a vegetative coma or something equally horrible.  Just make sure that you make it very clear WHEN someone can pull the plug, if that's your desire.  I keep repeating to my children that they canNOT pull it if I have a cold. Or an appendectomy.  Or lazar surgery of any kind.
Because you never know.


This is the last one for this post:

#3.  Right now, or at the very least, as soon as you can (because if you're like a certain friend of mine who doesn't fall asleep until at least 3:00 a.m.,  so she reads my blog in the middle of the night, I don't want you thinking you have to do this at 2:00 tomorrow morning) make sure that ALL of your accounts, bills, property, etc. are in BOTH of your names.  If everything, or even half of everything, is in his name only, get that changed. ASAP.
It's not that you can't take care of things if they're not in your name ...... eventually.  It will just be a heck of a lot easier, and maybe cheaper, if you take care of it now.  Once he dies, you'll have to provide a death certificate for almost every account, bill, automobile, home, etc. you own (thus the soon-to-be-numbered "Order at least 15-20 death certificates").

  a.  some account holders, such as a certain satellite company which I won't name (but it rhymes with "fish"), will require you to close out your account if your name's not on it, and then open another.  Big pain.  Huge.

  b.  some will even require you to close out your account, and then charge you for opening a new one (electric companies, gas companies, etc.  Not all, but some.)

  c.  It's a huge pain in the neck to sell a car if your name's not on the title.  You have to sign several pieces of paper, provide the death certificate, provide the proof of executorship (usually the first page of a will), jump through 5 hoops, run outside, turn around and spit 3 times and then promise them your first-born child, or goat, if anything proves to be false.

  d.  Now can you imagine what selling a house would require?!!


OK, I wonder how many of you were actually paying attention until the end?  If you weren't, then all I can say is ...... you'd better start pricing goats.

That's it for now.  My brain is tired.  But my fingers are more tired.
Or is it tireder?  They are the most tired.  Or perhaps the tiredest.
And no, I haven't had any alcohol, why do you ask?

Which reminds me, I think I need some wine after this post.

Feel free to ask more questions.
Especially since I probably made you more confused about insurance and wills.
And goats.

Ask anything.
I will do my best to clear up any confusion.
Of course, my best may not be up to your standards, but then I'm sure that's no surprise to anyone who's been reading for a while.

I will add the others' comments after my signature.
Where I usually add a P.S.
Which makes me wonder where I should leave a P.S. ...... if I have one?
My brain hurts.

Happy Sunday, Peeps.
To be continued ......

P.S.  I guess here's ok, right?
Umm, I just wanted to let put this disclaimer in:
There were no goats harmed or killed during the writing of this post.
:-D


Marian kindly left this comment:
Selectquote.com is an excellent place to start for insurance. Both parents must have insurance..if something happens to a stay at home parent, how much would it cost to replace her? Although 500k may seem like a lot of money, its shocking how little it is. In suburban NYC with three school age kids and a mortgage, 1 million is barley enough. Truly. private college runs 55-60k per year. state schools 20k. You must have a will and name guardians for your children, not just their money. make sure both parents establish their own lines of credit now. lists of passwords for banking etc are critical. if you are considering cremation, consider a small box or jewelery type piece to place ashes in. My kids put their dad's ashes in their pockets for school concerts, plays etc. 20 death certificates minimum...5 years later and Im still giving them out. Social security benefits...maximum is about 1400 per child/spouse for a maximum of 3 dependents. The kids ss benefits go away when they are 18. keep copies of all titles, deeds birth/marriage certificates seperate from originals. If originals are kept at a bank, do not tell the bank your spouse is dead until youve retrieved everything you need. Thats it for now...maybe I'll think of more.

Thank you, Marian!  :)

My lovely friend, Beth, left this comment:
This isn't really a question, more like things we should have done.....I wish I had been a little more educated on our investments - one of the few things he took care of money wise- when it came to having to re invest, or renew certain things I was really at a loss. So I really wish we had discussed that more.
Also, even though he had cancer, and you would have thought we had this discussion, we didn't - I really had no clue what he would have wanted funeral wise - cremation vs burial etc. He had made brief comments over the years, but none after he got sick. So I went with what he had last said in really a very off hand manner (as to the cremation vs burial issue). I think it is something that should be discussed no matter what/when in your relationship. 

Thanks, Beth.  xoxoxo

Linda J. wrote this one:
I am a widow and since becoming one (4 years ago) I have talked endlessly to my children and friends about talking with your loved ones about what you want.... cremation or burial.... open casket/closed... large funeral/graveside only. I tell them to talk to your loved ones BEFORE someone is sick, when it is easier to discuss. Mostly no one listens to me so maybe they will listen to you Janine. 

Thanks, Linda.  I bet someone listened.
:-)

And last, but certainly not least, my friend Karen T:
Karen Robinson Turner Janine, I can share one thing I wish I'd known -- work it into a question as you will  But I wish I'd known about mortgage insurance. We put our full 20% down on our home when we bought it but I learned after he died there was a supplemental insurance we could have added to each month's payment -- maybe $40 a month -- that, when he died, would have paid off my house. In full. Ugh.

Thanks so much, Linda.  :-)


I want to thank the women who took the time to share what they've learned through their experience of being widowed.  I think I can safely say that it sucked for each of them, but that it helps if we can help you.  So please let them know they helped.
We all need to know that.
:)