For The Friends ......

...... of those who grieve.  Or for the friends of those who will someday grieve.
I hope that this post helps you to feel better prepared ...... and less at a loss for words to say ...... or things to do.

My idea wasn't so much to tell you what NOT to say or do, but to encourage you by giving you ideas for positive words and/or actions.
I'm including comments that other "grievers" sent in.
I am not, after all, the only griever out here.
Which is sadly ...... helpful.

But first, here are some of the questions that were asked:

1.  Anonymous said...

My wonderful neighbors lost a daughter over a year ago, they frequently have their grandchildren (5 & 12) visit and I struggle with what to say to the children. I knew their mom, are they old enough to want to talk about it?

Anon #1:  I would say that yes, the 12 year old is old enough to want to talk about it.  Or to at least tell you if she does.  I'm not as sure about the 5 year old, so I guess I would follow her lead.  If any of you widowed Peeps with young children can offer help with this one, I'm sure Anon #1 would be grateful.
As for the 12 year old, I wouldn't hesitate to just ask her (when the two of you are alone) if she likes to talk about her mom, or if she likes to hear stories about her (because you most likely have more than a few).  I'm sure she'll say yes, she likes to talk about her.  Then you could ask her what were some of her favorite things to do with her mom, and share with her some of your favorite things you did with your mom.  
And do tell her stories that you have about her mom.  I think the 5 year old would enjoy these as well.
Too many people feel that they can't say anything, or bring up our loved one's name ...... and we truly love hearing about them through someone else's eyes ...... and stories.
Just treat them the way you would hope your own children would've been treated under the same conditions.  And act naturally.
I hope this helps.

2.  Anonymous said...

What helped me the most is what you and Mary Beth Chapman said...you were mad at God. I was so mad, I couldn't pray anywhere even at church. No songs, prayers, etc for nearly a year. I can't say that I'm not mad at Him any more, but I know I CAN be mad at Him, and He can handle it.

Anon #2:  Thank you for saying that.  I try to encourage everyone (even people who aren't grieving a death) to be honest with God about their feelings.  He knows them anyway, even when we're mad.  At Him.
And I do believe that He's OK with that.  More than ok.  It helps so much to be able to get our feelings outside of our bodies, our souls, our hearts.
I'm glad that you've been able to share your feelings with Him ...... no matter what they are.  : )

3.  Sandra said...

I would really like to know what not to say.

I have an entire blog dedicated to what not to say in the infertility/recurrent loss world and I imagine some of the same things apply...but I'm not sure.

Sandra:

I would guess that the two lists would have a lot of the same phrases on them.

A few of the things that come to mind are:

1.  I know how you feel - grief is different for everyone, even if it's the same kind of loss.  So we never truly know how someone else feels.

2.  This was God's plan/will/doing, etc.

No.

It.

Was.

Not.

Death was never a part of God's plan.  That's not how He planned for us.  In fact, death wasn't anywhere in His plan.  But humans came along and royally screwed up that plan.  And so we live with the consequences of sin existing in this world, in thousands, if not millions, of ways.  My husband's death was NOT a part of God's plan, but God has used Jim's death to do good things.  Of that I have no doubt.

3.  God won't give you anything you can't bear.

This is the biggest untruth and the most quoted untruth.  People who tell you this think they are quoting the Bible.  They are not.  No where in that book does it say that.  What it actually says is: "God won't TEMPT you beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted He will provide a way out."

Temptation and Grief - two completely different things.

4.  Call me if you need anything.

This is also one of the most heard, and most useless, comments.  Grieving people don't know what they need.  They're in shock, and will be that way for quite a while.  Rather than just toss that remark out there, just call them, or better yet ...... just show up at their house, ready to do something.  You can bring food, you can go over and do their laundry, mow their lawn, clean their house, help take care of/pick up/drop off the kids, etc.  Or just show up with a movie and the offer to just sit with your friend.  Sit in silence, sit with a movie, sit and talk, or sit and listen.  Again, offer to just sit.  And do nothing.  Follow your friend's lead.  Sitting quietly with someone who's grieving is huge.  HUGE.

5.  Don't compare your loss.
There are no comparisons.  Everyone's different.  And comparisons rarely help anyone with anything.

That's all I have for now.  Some of the other Peeps might want to add to this list.

4.  LG said...

I am not in this position currently (or at least if I am it'll be a surprise!), but a couple months ago a friend/neighbor/fellow mom at our elementary school lost her mother unexpectedly. I ran into her at the grocery store just a couple days later. She is one of those people who ALWAYS has a smile on her face & it ALWAYS seems sincere (not one of those plastic fake ones...you know the type). This day was no different. I greeted her like I always would and then offered my condolences and while she didn't drop the smile, the twinkle immediately left her eyes & I felt like I had made a MAJOR faux pas. I'm always weary of what to say. I feel like not saying anything is irreverent and disrespectful but (while diplomatic and totally polite) her reaction let me know unquestionably that I should not have said anything. She obviously wanted to be "normal" (for the lack of a better term...PLEASE don't take offense!) and just do something regular and mundane like grocery shop. I felt HORRIBLE but conflicted. So, I guess I made a short question REALLY long (sorry!)...do you say something or ignore the "elephant" so to speak??? Thanks for this post!!!

LG - Truly no offense taken.  We all get the "normal" remark and yes, you're right.  We do want to feel "normal", but the truth is, our normal is gone.  And it won't ever be back.

And while you felt that you said the wrong thing, I would disagree.  It most likely surprised her, because so many people don't mention the "elephant".  But ...... if she was upset, please don't beat yourself up about it, or feel guilty.  You truly did the right thing.  Most of us would NOT take offense at what you said.  It might bring tears to our eyes, because talking about our loved one usually does make us cry, but that's not a bad thing.
Silence is so much worse. You did a good thing.

5.  ~Shelly~ said...

We have had a little bit of this conversation via email before. My dear friend lost her husband tragically 8 months ago. Right now the big hurdle is getting her out of the house to attend small functions we have. We had a surprise party for a friend of ours recently and she drove all the way there only to clench onto the steering wheel not wanting to get out. What do us friends say to let her know she will be ok with us, that we wont leave her site.. that we will be there for her througout the night or whatever the situation may be. Of course no one wants to be in a crowd alone. But we want her to know that when we ask her to attend things, we dont expect her to 1. come if she doesnt want to or 2. think she has to bare it alone. I have what I need to say in those situations but when they arise I find myself sitting there being just as quiet as she is so that Im not stepping over any boundaries. I think for now that is our biggest hurdle is getting her out of the car. She wants to laugh, she wants to be in good company.. its just accepting that he won't be there to help her feel 100% comfortable. Thanks and hope I didnt ramble too much.

Shelly:
You're a very good friend. And your question of how to tell her that she's not alone and it's ok if she comes to things, or doesn't ...... is very easy to answer.
Tell her.
Don't wait until a stressful situation arises, tell her beforehand.  Let her know that you all want to spend time with her and will continue to invite her out.  But that if she doesn't feel up to going, that's ok and everyone will be fine with whatever she decides.  She won't always stay in the car, clenching the steering wheel.  Trust me.  But when she does it now, it's perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable.  She, and she alone, knows what she can handle, and what she really can't.  Trust her.  
If she'd rather stay home, stay there with her if you can.  Come up with a schedule with the rest of your/her friends and have someone with her, especially in the evenings, for as long as you can manage it.  You will all have to get back to your own families and lives soon enough.  She knows that.  That doesn't mean it won't be difficult for her, as you all are able to be with her less often, but it's a fact of life, and she'll accept it.  


6.  Anon:
Everyone always says "let me know if there's anything I can do." I've said it myself in the past, and guess what, never heard back. And I sincerely mean it: I'll do ANYTHING to be helpful. So I want to know what I can go ahead and just DO without being told by someone who probably can't think straight. At the same time, I don't want to meddle or step on toes. Advice beyond bringing a casserole?

Anon #3:  It's great that you want to do something and really mean it when you offer to do something but as I wrote above to Sandra (point 4 in my answer), we don't know what we need or want so we truly can't do anything with such a nebulous offer.  We need you to call or just show up, ready to do/bring/offer something concrete.  And please believe me when I say this, you won't be seen as meddling ...... or stepping on anyone's toes.  You'll be seen as a friend who cares.  You'll be seen as a life saver.  
Just think about your friend, and what she likes or specific things you can do (help with the kids, the house, the laundry, the cars, the yard, driving her to appointments, grocery shopping, etc.
And then just show up and do them.  She'll love you for it.  

7.  Anonymous said...

Oh, also, I understand how important hope is -- hope to once again someday feel less pain. Is there a way to convey this idea, that the pain will lessen, without diminishing or belittling that current pain? Any helpful ways for non-widows to provide hope to widows?

Anon #4:  Yes, hope is vitally important, but it's something that has to slowly grow inside of a person.  I would say (and this is just MY opinion) that most grieving people don't want to hear about hope in the beginning.  We can't see it, don't believe it, and can't accept it from someone who hasn't gone through this horrific experience.  It's much easier to hear from someone who's "been there".  
Maybe you can offer her hope, without calling it that.  And you can do that by sending her websites like this one (and dozens of others) that show her we widowed people are out here ...... giving hope to each other.  When she reads or hears our words about our feelings and experiences, she'll know that she's not crazy and she's not alone.  So connecting her to other widows is a huge way to give her hope.
You're a good friend.

And now for the comments from other Peeps who have grieved.
I appreciate all of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Stephanie:
My Mom was diagnosed with stage IV cancer with no warning, we had to travel to her home and move her to mine within 5 days and she died after 7 very hard weeks. Here is what I will always remember:

1) The friend who called and said that she would be dropping a meal off every Monday night until it wasn't needed anymore.

2) The house cleaner that called to arrange a time to clean because an out of town extended family member found them and paid for this service for 3 months.

3) The people who admitted that they didn't know what to say but were always encouraging with a text, e-mail, or short visit to let us know we weren't alone.

4) The friends who had walked similar roads and showed up at the hospital, at doctor's appointments, etc. so they, too, could hear what was being said in case I had questions later.

What I didn't like ...

1) Those who insisted that we needed to pray more or who kept telling us that we were not praying correctly.

2) Those who had all kinds of advice, based on their experiences, but didn't realize that there is a time and place for sharing your own story.

and finally,

3) The person who took me to lunch two days after returning from packing up my Mom's home (4 weeks after her death) and said, "I'm so glad this is finally over for you. I didn't realize how much you listened to all of us and it was hard not having you available when we needed you." :)

Thanks for doing this post - sorry to be so long winded but you hit a nerve! 

Candy:
If you have never read Stephanie Grace Whitson's little easy to read book HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING FRIEND, it would be a great help to you in what you are wanting to do here. If you would like me to send you the list of ways to help, I would be most happy to do that. It's THE best book I have ever read on this subject. I am a widow of 3 years and can tell you that what she says is spot on. You can email me atcandyfeathers@gmail.com for the list if you like.
Here is another good resource for those who want to help someone who is grieving:
http://www.griefjourney.com/wp/what-we-offer/for-those-that-want-to-help/articles-for-those-that-want-to-help/ 


Beth:
what a great idea Janine. Sadly yes we do all have to face it sometime. What helped me the most, both when he was so sick and he was supposed to die (but didn't) and again when he did, were the people who didn't ask "what can I do" or say "call when you need anything" but those who just DID. for example. When Dave was in the hospital relapsing, a friend asked the kids what their after school activites were. Then got a group together and made a one month calendar and made sure they each had rides home from school, to each activity and dinner. They didn't miss anything and I didn't have to worry. It was the nicest thing anyhone ever did for me. There were the guys who coached with Dave, who for the whole summer after he died (He died in june) just came once every week or two and mowed the lawn. My 2 friends who stopped by the morning after he died. took one look at my laundry pile - knew i was behind from me almost living in the hospital for a week - not only did they take it home to do - but went shopping for a variety of pants, tops , skirts and dresses so i wouldn't have to look through our closet for something to wear to the vistation and funeral. they let me keep anything i wanted and took back what i didnt. and refused to take any money for it. and then in the "after" weeks, people who just dropped off random casseroles, had a meal delivered from a close by restaurant. it's been almost 5 years and I STILL don't always know what i need and I stink at asking for help - so I always tell people don't ask or sit back and wait. DO something, even if it isn't perfect or exactly what they need it lets them know you are there, and then sometimes, if you are there dropping something off or doing something they might actually think of something they REALLY need and you can do it for them. and don't disappear, just cause they don't call or ask for help doesn't mean they can do everything and don't need someone to be there .... 


Chris:
When my mom died almost 7 years ago I was the first of almost everyone I knew to lose a parent. And, my mom and I were incredibly close. Yet, my college friends completely ignored it. Not a single word- So, my advice would be a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is so much better than ignoring the elephant in the room. I was so hurt that not one of them could be bothered to send an email, a call, a text, something that ultimately it ended our friendship, I just couldn't do it. No idea if that's helpful. And I think I rambled, see this is why I lurk. :) 
(Chris - This was more than helpful.  Thank you so much for coming out of lurkdom and commenting.  You did a great job.  But if you prefer to just lurk, that's ok.  I love my lurking Peeps.  : )


Wendie T:
I'm not a widow, but I was actually going to post about the, "If you need ANYTHING, just call" bit. Nothing infuriated me more.

My mother died on Christmas Day 2010. Many people put that onus of "call me" on my shoulders, too. Beyond it feeling insincere--I really wondered how they would react if I ACTUALLY took them up on their offers and asked them to shovel me out of the NUMEROUS blizzards we had that winter. They did say "ANYTHING!"--but I realized that they really didn't get it. I wasn't going to call them. I wasn't going to reach out. I wasn't going to "even if it's just to talk" with them. I was inhaling, exhaling, showering, and getting my kids on a school bus. That was IT. I was in no position to chase down my support system so I could, you know, get some support. 


Lisa B:
I'm compiling this list with my dear friend, Julia. She's originally from Mobile, AL. If two southern belles can't find something to contribute.... well  I'm not sure - I don't think that's ever happened in history....
By the way, the combination of our two accents makes Scarlett O'Hara sound like a Yankee - perhaps even Canadian ;p
When trying to help:

"I'm bringing dinner - would your family prefer beef or chicken?" (Or just take something)
"I'll be over to pick up your laundry tomorrow ....."
This avoids the 'call me if I can do anything' awkwardness - they hear it all the time.
Just do it.

Make a note of the date - recognize anniversaries, 1st Mother's Day, 1st Father's Day, etc.

Someone gave my sister thank you notes and stamps instead of flowers. That was good.

If small/young children are involved in the hospital phase or before the funeral, give them things to keep them busy - coloring books, puzzle books, handheld games, etc. They feel helpless and this keeps their little minds and hands busy.

Quarters are obsolete with cell phones, but my friend packed a 'distraction bag' for all of us to share at the hospital (yes, Julia, the ultimate belle). Rolls of quarters, puzzle books for all ages and concentration ability, snacks, coloring books and crayons for kids, tissues, mints, toiletries in case you have to stay, wrapped toys from the dollar store for little ones.
Yes, we came home to full freezers...

I guess a good substitution for quarters would be various chargers for cell phones.

In addition to or instead of food, take disposable plates, cups,  napkins, utensils and trash bags with something.

If you're a close friend and plan to be there the whole time, answer the phone, answer the door and keep a journal of who called and who brought what.

Offer to watch children, take the children out or find a babysitter for them. Again, this is a just do it thing.

It's not just the 1st few weeks - people start to thin out. Keep dropping by, keep calling.

After losing her mom, my friend had days when she would go back to bed. After a month or so she had a friend that would call and say 'get up, get dressed, we're going to lunch' or wherever.

Some people feel awkward if they still have their spouse or parent and certainly don't want to make their friend feel uncomfortable. Consider inviting them to do things with your family. They may enjoy and appreciate it - if not, you have to trust them to tell you how they feel.

Finally, in addition to giving us hearts that hurt and break for our friends, God gave us arms and hands. Use them. Pick up anything and everything - toys, laundry, papers, children and whatever pieces you can. Use your arms for hugging and holding - your friend, their children, their extended family - pretty much everyone needs all the hugs they can get during these horrific times. Just love them, no matter how much or little you know about them. One day we'll all be on the receiving end of these hugs and this love. Nothing is expected in return. Everyone wants to feel helpful, but more often than not we/they feel helpless. Let them love you (within your comfort zone - some of us are more touchy-feely than others).

I pray when this horrendous time comes, you will be surrounded by big hearts, lots of hands and more arms to hug you than you can even count........



OK, Peeps, now that this post has become something more like a novel, I shall close.  I'm sure that this will generate more comments and/or questions ...... and that's ok.  Heck, it's great.
We can only learn from each other if we ask.  Or share our experiences.

It's now past midnight so I'm not going to go back over this to spell check/edit.  Just try to overlook that stuff, please.  At least for this time.

Thanks, Peeps ...... and happy Tuesday.
: )