I'm Moving ......

(Please accept my apologies for posting something most of you already know, but I'm posting the post that I've written for today's Widow's Voice since it's time for the Widow's Blog Hop.  This post is for all of the newly widowed people out there.  And some of the not-so-new.)

                                                              Source

...... forward.
Onward and upward.
Literally.

I really thought long and hard about writing this post.
I know that for those of you who are newer on this path, it will be difficult to read, let alone comprehend.  And I totally get that.
Just because some of us are further "down the road", that doesn't mean that we will ever forget how we felt earlier on.
As if we could.

But I'm going ahead with this post, because I have yet to hold back on my feelings and experiences, no matter how difficult they've been to share.  The only way we can help each other is to be honest and vulnerable.
I hope that those of you who can't imagine feeling this way, will file this post away, and go back to it in a few years.
And that it gives you hope.

Now ...... onward.

Yes, I'm moving.
Mostly.

Jim and I had talked about what we wanted to do when we sent our last child off to college.  We had a few ideas.  He didn't live to solidify them.

In a little over one month, our sixth, and last, child will graduate from high school.  It's been a long, long road.
At least, the last 5 years have been long.
Sometimes painfully long.

But we've almost made it.  The finish line is in sight and we are both beyond ready for it, #6 and I.

I've been in Texas for 22 years.  Seventeen of those years were with Jim.
And now...... it's time to stretch, to spread my wings ...... and fly forward.
I have leased an apartment in New York.
City.
Smack in the midst of everything.
And I still can't believe it.

I've always loved NY and we talked about moving there after #6 left for college.  Just to experience life in Manhattan.  Maybe for just a year.
Or longer if we liked it.

And so I am.
At the moment I'm splitting my time between TX and NY, with much more time being spent in Texas.
For now.

The "before Janine" would never have believed that she could do this.  And maybe she couldn't have.
But I can.  And I am.

I've been up there (See?  NY is north of here so it really is Up!) a few times since the first of the year, the last time with 5 of the kids for spring break.
I absolutely love it.
It's hard to describe how I feel when I'm there.  The only words that come close are these:
I feel free when I'm there.

I'll try to explain.
And this is where it might get difficult for some of you.

When I'm in NY, I'm just ...... Janine.
I'm not ...... Jim's widow.
And Grief isn't hiding in every closet, waiting to knock the breath out of me.
In fact, I can go for a couple of days without even thinking about being a widow.
And that feels wonderful.
And free.

Five years ago I would've been horrified at the thought of going for an hour without thinking about Jim,  without feeling the pain of his absence, let alone for a couple of days.
Five years ago I couldn't imagine a future without him.
Or a future at all.

And now, here I am, loving being me ...... and discovering who that is ...... this time around.
And what she wants to do.
It's like I'm starting on the new version of me.
In a way I never dreamed was possible.

I'm happy.
I'm excited.
And I'm so very hopeful.

Yes, I'd rather stay in Texas for the rest of my life ...... with Jim.
But we all know that's not an option.
I finally accepted that and decided to continue to live.
And live for me, as soon as it was possible.

So many things are possible.
Whether you believe that ...... or not.
Whether you want them ...... or not.
Whether you can see them ...... or not.

And if you don't ...... or can't ...... that's ok.
It won't stop them from being.
It won't stop you from believing ...... one day.

You know what I always say.
Take each day, each moment, as it comes.
One day at a time.
One breath at a time.

And above all ...... keep breathing.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
And please stop by the blogs listed below ...... and give them your support.
:)






Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Red’s The M3 Blog
Christine of Widow Island
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
The Widow’s Mite: Encouragement for Widows