I think I get it

I think I finally understand what my brain is doing. Well, other than the fact that it's flooded with whatever floods your brain when massive shock, grief, devastation, heartbreak, etc. hits your body. Someone at the retreat asked me yesterday if it helps me to get away to someplace beautiful (we were out in the woods at a camp -- it was indeed beautiful). I said, "Not really."
You see, it's like my brain is now in 2 parts. One part is constantly thinking about Jim. And I do mean constantly. Every second of every minute of every hour that I'm awake. Every. single. one. I cannot do anything without the thought of him. Whether it's hitting a tennis ball, watching T.V., reading, listening to someone talk or preach, watching a play, watching a movie, working, talking on the phone -- you name it, he's there. I was never aware that I could multi-task "before". Now I have no choice -- it just happens.
So I think that because my brain is working on two things at once it gets way too full and can't remember one other piece of information. It's just trying to survive and it won't let go of Jim for even a nano second. So I can't remember some things I knew "before" or some things in the "after". Thankfully everyone is very patient with me and my new learning disabilities (well, mostly everyone -- Daughter #1 gets a bit impatient and probably wants to check me into a loony bin -- sorry for the political incorrectness of that phrase--well, not really but I'll say sorry anyway).
OK, I guess I'll address the big elephant in the room. Yes, it's VD. (Mom, Dawn and Michael - "VD is nothing to smile about.").
I hope that you are all appreciating your significant others -- and telling them that. I really haven't dwelled on what today is. The truth is, Jim didn't like this holiday. He always told me, "I love you 365 days a year. Why should a card company dictate that I do something on that one day?" How typically male. My loving and unselfish response was, "Because!! It's what you're supposed to do so just do it!". He didn't quite get it for the first few years of our marriage. And he heard about it for the first few years of our marriage. Then he got it. And the funny thing is, once he got it, I didn't care so much about it. How typically female of me.
He always got me something -- whether it was flowers or jewelry. The last several years he became quite adept at jewelry-buying. Quite. He was well-known and loved (?) at our local jewelry store.
And he always received a gift, but since I don't want to horrify my children TOO much, I won't tell you what he got. Needless to say, he loved giving me gifts! :)
My friends have been wonderfully sensitive today. Thank you to whoever sent the flowers yesterday telling me how much I am loved (and then didn't sign the card!). Thank you, K, for the flowers you sent today.
Thank you, RA, for the package you sent yesterday. And thank you to the Ws and the Hs for the goodies today. And to R for the wonderful treats (you should have come in!!). And to KA, whom I love very much -- just thank you. :)
I know that I have been in all of your thoughts today. And that helps me more than you know.
I miss him.
And I am blessed.