Sunday, March 23, 2008

I dreamed a dream

     We are back.  This picture is from Easter 1995 with Son #2.  This is where we played with the kids on the farm, flew kites, played football with the boys and uncles, etc.  This is where the original family house stood (the current house is behind me, the picture-taker).  This is where Jim's ashes are (some of them).  That was difficult and humorous and difficult some more.  I wasn't sure what to do -- I've never done this before.  No one wanted to be the "one" to do it.  Except for Son #3, who came right up and said, "I'll do it.  Do you want me to do it?"  I asked him if he were sure and he said yes.  I have amazing children.
I need to point out that Son #3 had never done this before, either --- and it was apparent.  He would put his hand in the bag and then spread them out around him.  My father-in-law muttered, "He looks like he's feeding chickens." and he was right.  That's exactly what it looked like so everyone started chiming in and making suggestions.  There was a fair amount of wind so I suggested that he throw them up in the air, which he promptly did.  Right over his head.  Then we all started yelling for him to get out from underneath the ashes that were coming straight back down, which he managed to do -- barely.  
Oh, and every once in a while he'd look at his hand and then wipe it on his jeans, much to Daughter #1's horror.  She kept yelling, "Stop wiping your hand on your jeans!!!" and everyone laughed.  It was not a serious affair.  Not.  At.  All.  I think my father-in-law was disappointed in us, but I think Jim was happy with us.  As Daughter #1 said, "We already had the service.  We have already gone through eulogies and talking and grieving at his "goodbye".  I don't want to do it again."  
But before we finished I asked if anyone wanted to say anything and my father-in-law did.  He talked to Jim in kind of a prayer.  And we cried.  
And then we were done.
     I visited with my mother-in-law all 3 days.  We went in this morning to say good-bye.  It was so difficult to see her like that.  It was most difficult for Son #3, who broke down after about a minute on the first day and could not go back in.  Sometimes, in my own grief, I forget that they have a different kind of grief and that it's huge, too.  I just held him and let him cry.  
My mother-in-law was glad to see me.  She has very expressive eyes.  I wish she could talk.  It would make such a huge difference.  I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for her.  She's too nice of a person to be going through this.  Way too nice.  But fairness does not exist.
She was very glad to see the kids, too.  Her eyes lit up with the arrival of each one.  I was glad to see that -- glad we could bring some light.  She still has a long road ahead, but she seems to be making a bit of progress each day.
    The flights were uneventful, thankfully.  I felt fine and Son #2 felt fine.  Everyone made it in on time and we all left on time.  
     I had a dream Thursday night.  When I remembered it Friday morning while I was getting ready to leave, I stopped and smiled.  
     In my dream Jim suddenly appeared to me.  Out of thin air.  I looked at him in surprise, but not shock (it was dream, after all).  He said to me, "Don't worry -- I can see you all of the time and I'm here with you.  I'm watching you and the kids.  It's OK -- I'm here."  I asked him if that was really true and he said yes.  Then he was gone.  I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I was in some kind of situation.  Afterwards, he came to me again.  He told me exactly what had just happened and what I had done.  He said that to prove to me that he actually did see me.  And I was happy.  Very, very happy.   And I was happy to remember it.  I told the kids about it, and I told Jim's mom about it.  Her eyes lit up again at that thought.
So do mine.

10 comments:

Unknown said...

This was a very good post, I experiened the full range of emotions as I read it. Life is interesting. Still praying.

Anonymous said...

Your dream is so wonderful and sad all at the same time. I hope it brought a little peace to your aching heart.
XOXO
K in AK

Anonymous said...

Oops...P.S. son #3...you did good. What a moment for you, and what a MAN to stand up and offer that to your family. Very good!
XOXO
Aunt K in AK

Anonymous said...

Good evening my darling daughter. I'm glad you're safely home. I rejoice that the trip went as well as it did, and cry with you for the ongoing pain you must endure. I love you more than you will ever know.

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a touching post J.
You DO have such very special children.
I'm glad you had the dream. I believe it was meant to be.
I love you.

Lis

Anonymous said...

Your dream gave me a deep warm physical feeling in my heart so I can only imagine the genuine love you felt when Jim came to you in the dream-that is truly a gift from God. I also love the fact that you have so many photos of Jim to share that take us to the exact spot where son#3 took charge of the situation. I am thankful your trip went so well. We missed you!

Anonymous said...

You amaze me!! I'm glad that the kids got to see thier grandmother and that son#3 was amazing himself and let Jim fly into the wind. I know he was smiling from above! It's great that you finally had your dream. I knew you would! I'm sure it has something to do with realization of what has happened and finally saying I give it to you God. (or what ever it was that you wrote in a few posts back) I had a dream when Grandma Teague passed away. She (and this is kinda funny) made me her fried chicken (which was the best homemade fried chicken I have ever had) and sat down in a rocker and told me she was sorry for the way she treated the family and that she would really like me to watch over grandpa for her. I moved in shortly there after. I also had a dream sometime after grandpa died and grandma thanked me for spending time and watching over grandpa for her.
Anyway...I'm just glad you had your dream, it made me smile and cry at the same time. I love you and every single one of your amzaing children! I miss you all!

Rhonda said...

You have incredible children and it looks as though, from your posts and the comments that you also have a a great surrounding people who really, truly love you. And love you a lot.

Anonymous said...

Everything in this post moved me. I'm so happy for ur dream & the visit went well. I'm taking a break at the ski lodge kids r lovin it.sending our love to you all.

Star said...

Yes, this spreading of the ashes is very much like my experience. I could totally understand the feeding chickens. I felt like that is what I was doing with a spoon.