I dreamed a dream

     We are back.  This picture is from Easter 1995 with Son #2.  This is where we played with the kids on the farm, flew kites, played football with the boys and uncles, etc.  This is where the original family house stood (the current house is behind me, the picture-taker).  This is where Jim's ashes are (some of them).  That was difficult and humorous and difficult some more.  I wasn't sure what to do -- I've never done this before.  No one wanted to be the "one" to do it.  Except for Son #3, who came right up and said, "I'll do it.  Do you want me to do it?"  I asked him if he were sure and he said yes.  I have amazing children.

I need to point out that Son #3 had never done this before, either --- and it was apparent.  He would put his hand in the bag and then spread them out around him.  My father-in-law muttered, "He looks like he's feeding chickens." and he was right.  That's exactly what it looked like so everyone started chiming in and making suggestions.  There was a fair amount of wind so I suggested that he throw them up in the air, which he promptly did.  Right over his head.  Then we all started yelling for him to get out from underneath the ashes that were coming straight back down, which he managed to do -- barely.  

Oh, and every once in a while he'd look at his hand and then wipe it on his jeans, much to Daughter #1's horror.  She kept yelling, "Stop wiping your hand on your jeans!!!" and everyone laughed.  It was not a serious affair.  Not.  At.  All.  I think my father-in-law was disappointed in us, but I think Jim was happy with us.  As Daughter #1 said, "We already had the service.  We have already gone through eulogies and talking and grieving at his "goodbye".  I don't want to do it again."  

But before we finished I asked if anyone wanted to say anything and my father-in-law did.  He talked to Jim in kind of a prayer.  And we cried.  

And then we were done.

     I visited with my mother-in-law all 3 days.  We went in this morning to say good-bye.  It was so difficult to see her like that.  It was most difficult for Son #3, who broke down after about a minute on the first day and could not go back in.  Sometimes, in my own grief, I forget that they have a different kind of grief and that it's huge, too.  I just held him and let him cry.  

My mother-in-law was glad to see me.  She has very expressive eyes.  I wish she could talk.  It would make such a huge difference.  I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for her.  She's too nice of a person to be going through this.  Way too nice.  But fairness does not exist.

She was very glad to see the kids, too.  Her eyes lit up with the arrival of each one.  I was glad to see that -- glad we could bring some light.  She still has a long road ahead, but she seems to be making a bit of progress each day.

    The flights were uneventful, thankfully.  I felt fine and Son #2 felt fine.  Everyone made it in on time and we all left on time.  

     I had a dream Thursday night.  When I remembered it Friday morning while I was getting ready to leave, I stopped and smiled.  

     In my dream Jim suddenly appeared to me.  Out of thin air.  I looked at him in surprise, but not shock (it was dream, after all).  He said to me, "Don't worry -- I can see you all of the time and I'm here with you.  I'm watching you and the kids.  It's OK -- I'm here."  I asked him if that was really true and he said yes.  Then he was gone.  I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I was in some kind of situation.  Afterwards, he came to me again.  He told me exactly what had just happened and what I had done.  He said that to prove to me that he actually did see me.  And I was happy.  Very, very happy.   And I was happy to remember it.  I told the kids about it, and I told Jim's mom about it.  Her eyes lit up again at that thought.

So do mine.