Feelings

   Jim with Daughter #2 and Son #2, Rome, Christmas 2005.

     The title of this post has nothing to do with the song, which I hate, except for the fact that it totally reminds me of Carol Burnett, as Eunice, in a "Family" sketch on her CBS show (man, those were the days .... CBS on Saturday night --- The Bob Newhart Show ("Hi Bob!"), The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and the Carol Burnett Show).... when Eunice went on "The Gong Show" and sang "Feelings" ---- the only time I liked that song.

But I digress .... 

     Tonight I had my first training session to be a Stephen Minister at our church.  I totally lack the energy to describe what that is at the moment so if you don't know, please feel free to google it.

      Anyway, we talked about feelings tonight and how important it is to validate them, in ourselves and in others, and to let them out.

Which made me think and really realize something about myself ...... I absolutely hate to talk about my feelings.  I mean .... really.  This may come as a surprise to those readers who don't really know me, since I seem to have no problem at all vomiting up my feelings here.  It's very easy for me to write about them here.  But I cannot do it easily face-to-face with anyone.  

I will usually turn the subject 180 degrees when someone asks me what I feel about something, how how I'm feeling or some equally emotionally-loaded question.

     I wonder why that is?

I think that sometimes it's a self-preservation move.  I mean, if I have to give one more second of thought to what's really going on in my life, I might just go over the edge.  So I'd much rather change the topic and be distracted.

     Here's a perfect example:

Back in November '01 (a year I always considered to be particularly "sucky" until I experienced the end of '07) Jim had a gun accident and lost an eye.  He was in the hospital for a few horrible days and I stayed with him the entire time .... I would not leave his room.  We were in Oklahoma at the time (it was Thanksgiving) and I had many, many phone calls.  Our pastor was out on the middle of nowhere, camping with his son for a few days,  so he could not be contacted until a day or so after the accident.  As soon as he found out he called me.  It was around 10:30 at night and the phone woke me up.  He, of course, sounded horrible since he had just found out and was upset and concerned about Jim and about me.  He asked me how I was doing and I said something like, "I'm OK.  So ..... how was your camping trip?"  I kid you not.

I think he was a little stunned and then let me know that he didn't want to talk about that, but about Jim ..... and me.   

I, of course, did not.  I wanted to talk about something completely different.

     I've always hated those "therapy" questions .... you know, like "So how did that make you feel?" or "So what you're saying is .....".   

Jim and I went to several marriage seminars or classes through our churches over the years.  He always found great humor in saying, "So how does that make you feel?" or mirroring back something I just said.  A lot of humor.

I'm not saying those questions don't work or that mirroring doesn't work .... it just doesn't work for me.   I immediately pull back and inward.

Still wondering why that is?

My mother reads this blog so I evidently can't blame it on anything in my childhood (although I'm sure she scarred and wounded me at least once!).

My dad reads it, too, so I can't list anything on that end, either.

Dang .... so much for blog therapy.

A penny for your thoughts.

UPDATE ON "FEELINGS"

This is what I get when I bring this crap up ---

it's 1 a.m. and I cannot sleep.  I was almost asleep and then, BAM!!!  my gut was hit by something really hard and I couldn't stop crying.  And missing him.  

Some moments I just think, "What the hell?  This life has made me way too tired."

Way.  I'd give anything to have him back.  Any-thing.

Sigh.

A nickel for your thoughts now.