Anyway, this person made this statement with a kind of smirk on their face and I, being a woman, wondered what was really behind that statement. So I asked what the statement meant (while refraining from using the correct word, "nicely"). I was told nothing, it was just a statement. Funny, it sounded more like an accusation.
And I've been thinking about it since yesterday.
It's not the first time that I've felt "accused" of not being a "poor widow".
Jim made a good living. He worked his ass off for 27 years in order to make a good living. It took a long time and many lean years for our family, but he kept working.
Not only did he work hard, but he also thought ahead. I had no idea how far ahead he thought.
And because he did, he is still taking care of me/us.
I am blessed and I am constantly aware of that fact.
I am blessed in many, many ways .... not just financially.
I don't have to work, financially-speaking, but I do have to work, emotionally-speaking.
I can travel and I can buy inexpensive boots in another country.
I can't go around buying yachts and houses and huge items like that or I will one day really have to work, financially-speaking.
But as long as I'm careful .... I'm good.
I still donate my time as well as my money to charities and to my church and to my alma mater.
Having said all of this ..... if Jim were here, I'd be far wealthier .... in every aspect of my life.
He was worth more alive than dead.
Literally.
And to me.
And my children.
And so when people seem to "accuse" me of having the money to do mostly what I want .... I want to scream.
Because no amount of money is worth the loss of Jim.
No amount of money can replace what I've lost.
No amount of money will heal the half of my heart that I now have.
I would rather be dirt poor .... and still married to Jim.
But I'm not either one of those.
And so I do things to try to catch a bit of happiness here and there.
Does it make my life better?
I don't think so.
Does it make my life easier?
In some ways.
In others .... not so much.
I feel so much empathy for those widows who have to work, and work hard, to make ends meet.
There are way too many of them.
Life is not fair .... ask any one of us.
I want to slap every single alive husband who doesn't have insurance.
There. Is. No. Excuse.
But I also refuse to apologize for having a husband who loved me so much that he thought of me even as he thought of his future death.
And I refuse to apologize for living my life the way I want to live it now.
Yes .... I can buy myself something nice when I feel like it.
But .... I wish I had Jim, who'd do it instead.
11 comments:
People never cease to amaze me with their lack of social skills, not to mention their superficial view of the world, death, us, our love ...
What a stupid thing to say.
What WAS she thinking?
You can buy yourself some Gucci, Prada and Jimmy Choos ... but you'd rather be barefoot and with him.
And you certainly don't have to justify what you buy and what your income is to anyone. AT. ALL.
Grrrrrr
People are so quick to assume and judge. Everyone thought (until recently when I made it known) that we got a boat load of money for Matt's accident at work. We haven't gotten a DIME from that company, and they even attempted to take our Workers' Comp payments from the kids and I in order to lessen their insurance premiums. Fortunately, my husband did have life insurance which has saved us so far. And up till now, felt kind of guilty for buying myself a leather jacket just yesterday. ;) Enjoy those boots, wear them in good health, and feel free to use them to kick some judgmental @ss! xoxo
I have so many things to say in response to that woman's comment that I have can't even type a real response. @$%%$$%@@*$***@! So there! LG
Good evening my darling daughter. All I can say is, whoever made that statement isn't worth your time to even consider it. I'm just sorry that you have to be aquainted with someone with so little empathy for what you have gone through, are still going through and will always go through. "I spit (or whatever) in their general direction". I love you very much.
Jim's own sense of responsibility and love for you and his family is what drove him to work so hard in life and to provide should the unthinkable happen. He was a wise man in many ways. Providing for you and the kids is just one of the many admirable qualities Jim possessed. I'm sorry anyone would make you feel bad about that! Shame on them!!
I love you! Vicki
I've never gotten that exact same comment or sentiment, but I was aware of the projection--whether real and coming from the other person or just in my imagination--many times. I bought a car, I've bought tons of nice camera gear, I bought a house (and sold it) and then another one, and I dropped a large chunk of change on landscaping at the previous house and a kitchen remodel on the current one. I haven't "had" to work for the last five years. I've chosen my acquaintances and surroundings carefully enough since being widowed that I haven't run into too many of the nasty comments like what you wrote...but I'm sure they're out there, as well as a weird, disgusting form of jealousy.
I feel exactly the same way. My life would have been far richer if Charley were here. I'm not saying I have a poor, empty, substitute of a life these days...but I've had to find filler in other ways...like shoes. Or clothes. And camera gear. But it DOES help to treat myself NICELY as a single parent and widow. (And don't get me started on bad grammar.)
I'm so thankful that Jim thought ahead to provide for you after he was gone. I wish you'd never had need to know just how thoroughly he took care of you, but I'm glad he did.
Hugs, my friend. And that woman sucks ass.
That was a really interesting post. I'm a poor widow, literally. R just wouldn't do anything about buying our council house instead of renting. I'm mad at him and mad at me. Him for not wanting to do it (for me and my future) and me for not standing up to him. He was older than me and he was sick. My situation was entirely forseeable. Other readers, learn from this please!
I am so thankful for my husband who has great insurance. It was so morbid when he was talking about it, but I know my kids and I would be taken care of if God forbid something happened. Of course I don't want that money for nothing, but at least we would have a home and my kids' needs would be taken care of.
I am sorry Janine, that you would even have to think about explaining yourself. Some people just don't know when to keep there mouths shut. :)
Tressa
http://myblessedfamily-tressamomof3.blogspot.com/
I have been following your blog for awhile. I think I became aware of it through MckMama. I lost my husband (age 49) to cancer almost 4 years ago and I can relate to so many of your posts, especially this one. Unfortunately for me, it has caused a big rift with a sibling. Sad, but true! Guess I know what they would expect if I won the lottery! I, too, would rather be dirt poor! Take care! I think you're doing great!
Mollie B
Can relate to what you wrote. My darling man recently passed away after a 10 month battle with melanoma. I seriously believe some people jump to conclusions and just don't think before they speak. I would give anythign to have my man back. It's not going to happen. Further down the track I know I have to sell our farm and buy another house and it's almost as if people try to make you feel guilty. Hold your head up - and enjoy those boots!
My husband was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer Stage IV. HE has provided a wonderful life for me and our for 4 kids and he did have life insurance but guess what? we moved, bills got lost in the mail and when i called to ask where our bill was and to double check they had our correct address (that I had already called in twice to be sure they had it) they informed us they canceled it cuz we were late. He had paid the quartely fees for 13 years and over ONE quarter bill not paid cuz they didn't accurately record our new address they canceled it. Now with PC he can't get life ins anymore! It's a shame. He's worked hard for so so many years and now the stress of this! Luckily we've got it figured out but it would have been a lot simplier have the ins company had not canceled us a few months b4 his diagnosis.
So, my point was don't be too hard on those guys without life ins.... some of them were wrongly stripped of it. And I carry the burden of that in more than one way. Knowing that I should have followed up and noticed earlier that the bill didn't arrive ...the if onlys are painful at times.
Enjoy yourself however you see fit: boots, travel, whatever it may be. Enjoy.
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