I'm Here ....

.... kind of.

I got home Tuesday night and was immediately exhausted and overwhelmed. I had 3 suitcases to unpack and lots of mail to go through. I unloaded 2 suitcases and left all of my clean clothes in a suitcase. It looked like my room and my bathroom had exploded. I do not deal well with chaos, or stuff all over my house.
Not at all.
You can ask all of my friends who helped out here when Jim died. I can remember one day (& I don't remember much of that first week) when I came out of my bedroom in a stupor (that's a given)and walked into the kitchen. The counters were covered with stuff, most likely food, lists of people who had brought meals and people who were bringing meals, messages taken from phone calls, items to get done before the memorial, etc. My brain wasn't functioning enough to realize all of that (also a given). All I knew was that my counter tops were very cluttered and I think I went a little nuts (you guessed it -- also a given). I think I announced, to no one n particular, that I had to have the counters cleared off. I cannot function when things are cluttered. Yes, I'm aware that I sound OCD. Don't judge.
I think the counters were cleared immediately .... because my loved ones love me so much .... or maybe they though I'd slash my wrists right in front of them. :)

So, back to my room and bathroom, which looked liked the suitcases had vomited up their innards. I was so tired that I just gave up, moved a pile of things over to the other side of the bed, and went to sleep. I cannot express how very, very uncharacteristic this was of me. Because it meant that I would wake up to face all of that stuff .... and I very much hate to wake up like that. Or walk into my house if it looks like that. So I got up, looked around me .... and promptly left the room, shutting the door behind me. In short, I was channeling Scarlet O'Hara.

I went into the kitchen to find Daughter #2 getting ready to leave for the summer. The day before was her birthday (& thus, Daughter #3s birthday. And being the FANTASTIC mom that I am, I forgot to call D3 and tell her Happy Birthday. That one is going into the mother-guilt vault that I (& most moms, if not all) have.
I started to fix a cup of coffee and then remembered that I was having blood drawn later and had to be fasting. Crap.

Then D2 left. Double crap.

I went to my 10:30 bleeding appointment. I then remembered that I needed to have blood drawn at a different lab for another doctor for my pre-surgery work (shoulder surgery next Fri to repair and remove a bone spur from my rotator cuff. Crap squared.) And so I did.
Triple crap.

I was hugely depressed by this time. So depressed that I cried in the car ... all the way to lab #1, hoping I could stop before I got there (I am an ugly crier and you can tell that I've been crying 30 minutes after I've stopped). Quadruple crap.

I kept telling myself,"You should be happy. You should be happy."
Nah, it didn't work.

So after the 6 test tubes of letting blood, I went back home. And sat down and tried to figure out what was wrong.

#1. I had read a blog that morning by a fellow widow and friend, announcing that she's engaged. Quintuple crap.
Not that I'm not thrilled for her ... I am. But I also wondered if I'll ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

#2. I miss Jim. Ad nauseum. To infinity and beyond. I wanted him here so I could tell him about my trip. So that he'd feel bad for my 6 test tubes drainage. So that he could be here for the Daughters' birthdays. And for Son #1's birthday tomorrow (his 21st). And so that he would be here with me, beaming as we watch Son #2's graduation this Saturday evening. Which also happens to be our 28th anniversary.

Then my depression made sense. Once again, my body and my emotions keep time very well, even when my brain does not. My body knows when the "important events" are coming ... and that one person, one very important person, will be absent.

In spite of my depressed state I set to work on the bathroom. And then the bedroom. It took me all stinkin' day .... because I'd get side tracked and start purging more stuff out of the closet and the cabinets and the shelves. I finally quit around 9:00 p.m., although I still wasn't done, but I had made a huge dent.

I felt better this morning, especially after reading an email from a friend who went on the cruise, telling me that she was really depressed that day. And her husband is alive and well!
I felt a bit more "normal" after that.
In fact, I felt so normal that I didn't freak about having no phone or Internet service (since yesterday afternoon, when we were promised that it would be working by 9 a.m. today).
Ummmmm ...... it's still not working.

And I didn't freak when I noticed that water was coming up from under my garage cement floor .... and soaking into the wood walls of our game room.
And that, my Peeps, is a God-thing. No, not the leak .... the fact that I wasn't getting hysterical. I just texted my "brother" and asked him what to do.
He gave me a name, I called the plumber and then waited to hear back from him telling me when he could come over.
He got here about an hour ago, saw the problem and fixd it in less than 5 minutes (clogged AC line). And then he wouldn't let me pay him. For all of my Peeps who live in my surrounding area .... his name is Scott Walters. He will always be my plumber now. :)

And now my room and bathroom are clutter-free, I'm on my third, of what appears to be six, load of laundry, and am watching Maria Sharapova getting her butt kicked by an unknown 17 year old at the French Open. I feel SO sorry for her (please know that my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek and those words are dripping with sarcasm). :)

I still miss him. I still want him back. I still wish this was all one hugely long nightmare, or that I'll awaken from a 3 and a half years long coma.
But it's not and so I continue to live. For both of us. For all 8 of us.
And continue to hope, and pray, that I might one day find that love again.

Happy Thursday, Peeps.
I'll be drawing a number tonight for the winner of my Greek gift. I know you're all just waiting breathlessly at your computers. Which means many of you need a life. :)
I'll also be working on my pictures so I can share some with you.

I thought this would be a very short post. A "I'm home but have nothing to say" post. Once again, my fingers proved me wrong.later, Peeps.
:)



P.S. I forgot to mention that after I got home Tuesday night, and ransacked my carry ons, that I lost my credit card on the plane. That's what I get for having 2 glasses of wine and then ordering a lot of crap items from the duty free catalog when I was half asleep. Sextuple crap.
I called that night to cancel the card.
And realized the next day at lab #2, when my credit card was rejected, that they had closed the wrong card. And I am now waiting for 2 new cards.
Septuple crap.

P.P.S. Please ignore the typos. It's not easy to write a novel post on a cell phone. Sigh .... the things I do for you .....
:)

P.P.P.S. Sharapova seems to be making a come back.
Octuple crap.