I'm Here ....

.... kind of.

I got home Tuesday night and was immediately exhausted and overwhelmed. I had 3 suitcases to unpack and lots of mail to go through. I unloaded 2 suitcases and left all of my clean clothes in a suitcase. It looked like my room and my bathroom had exploded. I do not deal well with chaos, or stuff all over my house.
Not at all.
You can ask all of my friends who helped out here when Jim died. I can remember one day (& I don't remember much of that first week) when I came out of my bedroom in a stupor (that's a given)and walked into the kitchen. The counters were covered with stuff, most likely food, lists of people who had brought meals and people who were bringing meals, messages taken from phone calls, items to get done before the memorial, etc. My brain wasn't functioning enough to realize all of that (also a given). All I knew was that my counter tops were very cluttered and I think I went a little nuts (you guessed it -- also a given). I think I announced, to no one n particular, that I had to have the counters cleared off. I cannot function when things are cluttered. Yes, I'm aware that I sound OCD. Don't judge.
I think the counters were cleared immediately .... because my loved ones love me so much .... or maybe they though I'd slash my wrists right in front of them. :)

So, back to my room and bathroom, which looked liked the suitcases had vomited up their innards. I was so tired that I just gave up, moved a pile of things over to the other side of the bed, and went to sleep. I cannot express how very, very uncharacteristic this was of me. Because it meant that I would wake up to face all of that stuff .... and I very much hate to wake up like that. Or walk into my house if it looks like that. So I got up, looked around me .... and promptly left the room, shutting the door behind me. In short, I was channeling Scarlet O'Hara.

I went into the kitchen to find Daughter #2 getting ready to leave for the summer. The day before was her birthday (& thus, Daughter #3s birthday. And being the FANTASTIC mom that I am, I forgot to call D3 and tell her Happy Birthday. That one is going into the mother-guilt vault that I (& most moms, if not all) have.
I started to fix a cup of coffee and then remembered that I was having blood drawn later and had to be fasting. Crap.

Then D2 left. Double crap.

I went to my 10:30 bleeding appointment. I then remembered that I needed to have blood drawn at a different lab for another doctor for my pre-surgery work (shoulder surgery next Fri to repair and remove a bone spur from my rotator cuff. Crap squared.) And so I did.
Triple crap.

I was hugely depressed by this time. So depressed that I cried in the car ... all the way to lab #1, hoping I could stop before I got there (I am an ugly crier and you can tell that I've been crying 30 minutes after I've stopped). Quadruple crap.

I kept telling myself,"You should be happy. You should be happy."
Nah, it didn't work.

So after the 6 test tubes of letting blood, I went back home. And sat down and tried to figure out what was wrong.

#1. I had read a blog that morning by a fellow widow and friend, announcing that she's engaged. Quintuple crap.
Not that I'm not thrilled for her ... I am. But I also wondered if I'll ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

#2. I miss Jim. Ad nauseum. To infinity and beyond. I wanted him here so I could tell him about my trip. So that he'd feel bad for my 6 test tubes drainage. So that he could be here for the Daughters' birthdays. And for Son #1's birthday tomorrow (his 21st). And so that he would be here with me, beaming as we watch Son #2's graduation this Saturday evening. Which also happens to be our 28th anniversary.

Then my depression made sense. Once again, my body and my emotions keep time very well, even when my brain does not. My body knows when the "important events" are coming ... and that one person, one very important person, will be absent.

In spite of my depressed state I set to work on the bathroom. And then the bedroom. It took me all stinkin' day .... because I'd get side tracked and start purging more stuff out of the closet and the cabinets and the shelves. I finally quit around 9:00 p.m., although I still wasn't done, but I had made a huge dent.

I felt better this morning, especially after reading an email from a friend who went on the cruise, telling me that she was really depressed that day. And her husband is alive and well!
I felt a bit more "normal" after that.
In fact, I felt so normal that I didn't freak about having no phone or Internet service (since yesterday afternoon, when we were promised that it would be working by 9 a.m. today).
Ummmmm ...... it's still not working.

And I didn't freak when I noticed that water was coming up from under my garage cement floor .... and soaking into the wood walls of our game room.
And that, my Peeps, is a God-thing. No, not the leak .... the fact that I wasn't getting hysterical. I just texted my "brother" and asked him what to do.
He gave me a name, I called the plumber and then waited to hear back from him telling me when he could come over.
He got here about an hour ago, saw the problem and fixd it in less than 5 minutes (clogged AC line). And then he wouldn't let me pay him. For all of my Peeps who live in my surrounding area .... his name is Scott Walters. He will always be my plumber now. :)

And now my room and bathroom are clutter-free, I'm on my third, of what appears to be six, load of laundry, and am watching Maria Sharapova getting her butt kicked by an unknown 17 year old at the French Open. I feel SO sorry for her (please know that my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek and those words are dripping with sarcasm). :)

I still miss him. I still want him back. I still wish this was all one hugely long nightmare, or that I'll awaken from a 3 and a half years long coma.
But it's not and so I continue to live. For both of us. For all 8 of us.
And continue to hope, and pray, that I might one day find that love again.

Happy Thursday, Peeps.
I'll be drawing a number tonight for the winner of my Greek gift. I know you're all just waiting breathlessly at your computers. Which means many of you need a life. :)
I'll also be working on my pictures so I can share some with you.

I thought this would be a very short post. A "I'm home but have nothing to say" post. Once again, my fingers proved me wrong.later, Peeps.
:)



P.S. I forgot to mention that after I got home Tuesday night, and ransacked my carry ons, that I lost my credit card on the plane. That's what I get for having 2 glasses of wine and then ordering a lot of crap items from the duty free catalog when I was half asleep. Sextuple crap.
I called that night to cancel the card.
And realized the next day at lab #2, when my credit card was rejected, that they had closed the wrong card. And I am now waiting for 2 new cards.
Septuple crap.

P.P.S. Please ignore the typos. It's not easy to write a novel post on a cell phone. Sigh .... the things I do for you .....
:)

P.P.P.S. Sharapova seems to be making a come back.
Octuple crap.

Even a Good Weekend .....

.... can end being a little blue-colored.

We did have a good weekend.  Son #3 had his "small group" from church come to the lake, including the adult leaders.  We were really praying for smooth water.

And .... we go it.  : )

The kids started showing up on Saturday.  As soon as the first group came we loaded up the boat and headed out.

Here is Son #3, captaining the boat:

Here are some of his friends, enjoying the bouncy ride:

I rode with them for a while and then excused myself for most of the weekend.  I had told Son #3 that I would stay out of the way, try very hard to not embarrass him (yes, it goes against every fiber of my being), and just be there in case copious amounts of blood was spilled .... and to get up at 2:00 a.m. to tell them to go to bed, if need be.
I'm glad to say that no one bled to death.
Although one teen did get stabbed by the barb of a catfish, which he immediately stabbed to death once he got it out of his finger.  Please don't tell PETA about the catfish manslaughter  fish-slaughter.
The young man came up to the house to clean up the cut and to be administered first aid, which I was happy to provide (in the form of Neosporin and a band aid .... nothing too surgical).

The rest of the day was spent wake boarding, tubing, fishing, rope-swinging, grilling .... and making S'mores.  Then they stayed up watching movies and chatting until 2:00 a.m.
Fortunately, for them, I went to bed around 11:00 or so and was able to sleep through their fun through the wee hours.  Unfortunately, for them, one of the other adults did not.  She got up at 2:00 to tell them that the fun had now ended.
And so it did.
Yay.  For.  Her.

I woke up early today and enjoyed the quiet time reading.  I finished my book, "Two Kisses For Maddy".  I highly, highly, highly recommend it.
Highly.

I also continued the purging gig and cleaned out 2 closets and one room, so I felt like I had accomplished something .... even while I didn't have to be in charge of a bunch of teens.

I must say that it was very nice to just hide out in my room and not have to worry if anyone was drowning, breaking a limb, or burning themselves on the S'more fire.  The kids were great and the adults took care of everything.  I didn't have to cook or clean anything.
Loved it!

Son #3 and I left around 5:00 to return home.  I'm not sure if was finishing Matt's book, or watching Son #3 do all of the things that Jim used to do (clear up the dock, get the boat cleaned out and covered, lock up everything, etc.) .... but I started to feel really blue on the way home.
There are times that hit when I just miss him so much.
So.
Very.
Much.

I miss him and I miss being in a relationship.
I miss holding hands.
I miss being hugged.
I miss being held.
I miss having someone to spend time with on the weekends.
I miss having someone in my corner, no questions asked.
I miss waking up with him next to me.
I miss being loved.

I miss so much.

So, it was a good weekend.
The weather was beautiful, the kids were great and everyone had fun.

And yet .... I feel blue.
In spite of.

I.
Miss.
Him.

Guess Who Came ....

... a knockin' on our door this weekend?
The PURGE!!!
He's back and this time .... it's serious.

I decided to tempt the two Sons to clean out the attic.  In our home, tempting means .... money.  Moola.  Green backs.  Cold, hard cash.

The Sons, being the teenage consumers that they are ..... accepted the offer.
Yay.
For.
Me.

It was a huge job.  I went into the attic yesterday morning with Son #2 to show him what was to stay and what was to go.  I put sticky notes on everything that stayed.  I did not use a lot of sticky notes.

The boys decided to divide the job in half.  I told them there would be a bonus if the job was finished by tonight.  Son #2 started his half yesterday.  Son #3 started his half today.
And I am proud to announce that they both finished cleaning out the entire attic .... an attic that is by no means small.  And was filled with lots and lots and lots of stuff.  And a good amount of crap.

So yay for them.  They were paid handsomely and I took them out to dinner tonight.  They earned it.

I had told them to bring everything not sticky-noted down into the garage.  I thought it would maybe fill one side of the garage (so I could still park my car inside).  Well, did it fit into one side of the garage?  Of course not.  :-p

Here are the pictures I took tonight.  About one or two rows of this stuff/junk/crap is from my purging inside the house.  The rest is from the attic.


               This picture was taken from inside the house, looking across the garage:

                               This one is taken from the other side of the garage, towards the house (this is where I     should be able to park my car.  Ha!!!)

                     A shot from outside the garage on one side:

                              A picture from the other side:

So ..... anyone want a 10 foot Christmas tree?
An aquarium?
A gerbil cage?
A hamster cage?
A guinea pig cage?
A litter box?
A hot rock for a pet turtle?
Tax files from 1989 until the present?  Yes, one could say that Jim, being the true-blue accountant that he was, was a bit .... a-hem, anal about keeping records.
Me?  Ummmmmm .... not so much.
You know that phrase about someone spinning in their grave?  I often tell the kids/friends that, if Jim were in a grave, he would indeed be spinning.  And yes, probably only the widowed-Peeps will think that is hilarious.  All the rest of you will just nervously wonder if I'm OK.
Not to worry ..... we enjoy our own senses of humor ..... death humor, immensely.  You don't have to.
Really.   :)

I picked up the Purge bug today and hit more closets and drawers.  You know, those junk drawers that have everything, and more, in them?  Well, mine are looking pretty empty.
Deep, deep contented sigh .....

I also purged some more clothing.
Mine, as well as Jim's.
And it felt ok.
In fact, it felt ..... well, it didn't really feel like much of anything.  Just that it was time to clear out space and to get rid of things that no one here was ever going to use.
The kids have gone through his clothing and picked what they wanted, so the rest was just ..... hanging around.
I did keep all of his biking shirts.  I'm not sure why.  But I did.
For now.

Yesterday I was able to hang out with my wonderful friends, J & J.  They were being visited by two friends from Oklahoma.
One day, years and years and years ago, this couple came to visit them.  J realized that this girlfriend, whom she went to high school with, had gone to Oklahoma State at the same time I was there .... and that we were in the same sorority!  Small world.
So yes, I know B and now her husband, S.  They have visited several times over the years and I love spending time with everyone.
We girls went out to get pedicures yesterday.  Believe me, my feet were in dire need of one.

Pretty nice, huh?  :)

                      This is J piloting his new boat.  He sold a ski boat and bought a very nice pontoon boat.
        You know, an old person's boat.  I absolutely love it!!  So yes, I guess I'm officially old.

                     It was a great afternoon to go riding around on the lake:

                         This is B, looking out from on top of the boat dock.  Yes, it really felt as peaceful as it
                               looks:

So that was my weekend.  My back is tired, my body is pooped.  But I feel like we accomplished a lot.  It was a very good weekend.

Life is good.
Very.

Happy Sunday, Peeps.
:)