This Post Was Supposed to Be Titled ....

.... When Will Enough Be Enough?!

I was going to rant and rave, the way I did as I prayer journaled to God last night (which is the only way I can pray and keep on topic for more than one nano second.  I kid you not).  When will it be enough, God?
It wasn't enough to lose Jim.  It wasn't enough to know that I will die someday never knowing if my kids will die of the same thing that Jim did (and yes, no parent dies knowing their kids will be ok, but some may have drawn the "lucky" straw to add to that unknown).  Was the tumor and surgery and the hell of that year not enough?  And now this .... a "chronic disease".  When WILL enough be enough?  Will it be the day I turn my back on everything I've known and believed?  Will that do it?  What will it take, God, for You to let me just live .... happy, content, at peace, and pain free?  For at least a stinking 6 months or maybe, just maybe .... a year?!

So that's what this post was going to be about.
That, and the fact that so many people think that I have so many friends around all of the time when, in actuality, I don't.  Only one has contacted me this week (other than those of you through this blog).  And that has felt very lonely.  I hate it when people assume that you already have a lot of friends so you must be busy, thus they don't want to intrude.
Busy, I have not been.
Lonely ... I have been ... very much.

But again, that's not what this post is about ..... now.

You see my mornings start off quite painful.  Every joint hurts and it takes an hour or two for that to stop.  Thankfully, very, very thankfully, it is stopping after an hour or so, thanks to the steroids, I guess.  Because before, it didn't stop.  Mostly ever.

And then the evenings start to get bad again and the joints start hurting.
Thankfully, very, very thankfully, they are not hurting as bad as they were a week ago.  Yes, they hurt, but I can deal with this hurt.

So I am choosing to be thankful.
And I am choosing to try, very, very hard .... to let my anger go with God.  I'm not going to lie .... it's not easy and I can't just .... Poof! ..... do it.  It takes time.
But I am thankful for more things than the steroids.

And it took a call from Son #1 to help me realize how thankful I am and how blessed I am.
Have I told you before that I have 6 great children?  Because I do.
And I love them more than life itself, as do all of you parents out there.
And I miss 5 of them right now, very, very much.

But I digress.
Son #1 and I talked for about an hour.  It was great.
We talked about his plans for the future and how excited he is about his life and his decisions right now.
I love that.

We talked about my health and how that should never, EVER come before my children, and their desire to call me, but to not want me to be too tired.  Or to add to my struggling.
Hopefully we cleared that one up.  I think we did.  :)
He asked me if I'm at the point now where I just look up at God and say, "OK, give me what you've got.  I can take whatever you want to dish out."
I chuckled a bit .... and then cried .... and then told him what I really have been saying to God this week.
(See paragraph #1).

We talked about politics and our views of things in this nation that need to change and the fact that Christians .... Christians who know that God is love and grace and holds no hate for any person He has created .... these Christians need to stand up against the "Christians" who spew forth hate to select parts of our population, those who claim God hates certain people .... not the sin, but the person committing the sin.
We both agreed that we haven't read those words in our Bible.

We talked about the cost of living and college and money needed to attend/finish college (!) and the cost of living all over the U.S.

And then he told me about a young man he graduated with.  Not a person he knows well, but a student who shared quite a few classes with him.
This young man, aged 20 or 21, I guess .... has a horrifying brain tumor.  A devastating, non-operative, worst case scenario brain tumor.  And I cried for that young man.  And for his parents.  And for what was .... and what could have been.  I cried for their struggle to keep him alive, but yet in keeping him alive, wondering how to balance the length of time against the pain, ravaging destruction and illness that it takes to keep him alive.  Alive for maybe .... maybe .... a year.
I'm still crying for him.  And for them.
And I wonder, as his parents fervently pray and hope for a miracle .... do they, too, wonder .... "When will enough be enough?"

And in crying for them .... and for what will most likely not be ..... I had to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I have to pick myself up and keep moving forward.
Not that I believe (anymore ..... not for the last 3 1/2 years) that everyone is ALWAYS able to do that.  Because sometimes, as I can very well attest, it's just not physically or emotionally possible.  When you are fighting to decide to stay here on earth, or to stop the pain because you can't take it for one more minute, it is not possible to pull yourself up.
I know.  I was there.

Was.
But now I am here.
Still feeling crappy about this auto immune thing .... whichever one it turns out to be.
Still wishing that it weren't true and that I'd wake up from a nightmare.  Again.
Still wishing ..... when wishes don't often come true.
Sometimes, yes.  Often?  No.

So rather than wishing for what will not be, rather than focusing on what was and what should have been, I'm focusing on now.
And on my children.
And on my job.
And on continuing to do all I kind to look outside of my pitiful self, remember how very blessed I am, and try to keep encouraging and helping those who are widowed.
Because that's one reason that I'm still here.

And ultimately, my "head knowledge" of God will bring my heart back to him.  Ultimately.
It did before .... in a much darker, colder, lonelier place than this.
This, my friends .... is cake.

My heart hurts and feels far from the God who loves me and wants the best for me, but my head knows that He's there.
And that He hurts when I hurt.
And that life is ..... well, it's just what it is.

And damnit, I'm going to continue to make the best of it.
Because I have been, I am .... and I will continue to be .... blessed beyond measure.

Happy Thursday, Peeps.
:)


UPDATE:
I heard this song less than an hour after I posted this.
T.
A.
N.
W.